2 years ago

Two years ago today I started taking anti-depressants.  That was the day I finally accepted that I needed to do this in order to heal.  It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

Anniversaries seem to be the time we look back on what has been.  The last two years have been one wild ride.  I have reposted an article I wrote for the Globe and Mail about my life 2 years ago.  When I remember that time, I cry.  I was struggling so hard, and didn't know what to do, or really how to ask for help. I was so determined to do things on my own.  That with a bit more work I would be fine. 

The truth is I was scared to death.  Scared to admit that I couldn't handle things.  Scared to show any kind of vulnerability because I was convinced someone would use it against me and hurt me with it.  Scared to keep going in the same way, and scared to make any kind of change.  With all this I had such bad anxiety and I was having panic attacks regularly.  I was at the bottom.  

Now, what is my life like?  Hmmmm, a whole lot better to say the least.  I am learning my limitations.  I am learning what I need to have a good life.  To live with depression, instead of fighting it or running from it. Most days I can even forget about it, most days.  Well, other than the pill I take.

I am not longer scared, at least not like I was.  I know that things have to be different before they are better, so no matter how scary different feels, I am learning to trust it is the way to better.

I'm still an independent person, and always will be.  But, I am also much more able to ask for help.  This is good because at some point, going it alone is horrible.

I am grateful to all of you who read this blog.  I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have been there for me.  It's been a very difficult time for me.  Coming to terms with what having depression means for my life has been difficult.  Dealing with so much of the emotional baggage that I wasn't able to handle before has been hard, and rewarding at the same time.

For me, this journey isn't over.  I have my doubts it will ever be.  I am coming to understand that I can live my life in a way that means that depression will be a small part of it.  But, I have to pay attention.  I have to ensure that I make good choices.  Without this, this risk of sliding to the bottom again is very real.

And so, I'll ask the people in my life to keep an eye on me.

This is the link to the article I wrote.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-nephews-birth-gave-me-hope/article2040196/

Coming up for air

Since the end of September my job has been crazy nuts.  I worked a tonne of overtime.  For a few weeks in there it felt like all I did was work.  The last few days it feels like I am coming up for air.  I have sent emails to a few friends I haven't talked to forever.  I have spent some time with my family.  I have cleaned parts of my house. These seems like little things, but I didn't have the energy for so many of them for so long.

One thing I learned through all this is that working that much doesn't do me any favours.  It is really hard on me in fact.  There were a number of days in there that I really felt the depression on its way back.  I am definitely exhausted.  I am back to exhausted from burned out.  I hit that wall with 6 work days left before the holiday.

I realize that I need balance in my life.  It's not just a nice to have that I strive for.  Yes, I can manage for a short while, but 3 months is too long. I need to get back to a place where I am mainly working 4 days a week.  I know that without this balance I am very much at risk of needing to be off work again.  This is certainly not my goal.

It is nice to come up for air.  It gives me time to think about how to avoid being in this place again.

Christmas - my own way

This year I am enjoying Christmas time more than I have in as long as I can remember.  Certainly as an adult.  I've been trying to figure out what it is that is making things better.  The answer is varied likely but there is one thing that stands out.  I am enjoying Christmas my own way.  I've finally stopped putting pressure on myself to enjoy it the way other people do, and feeling guilty because I wasn't.

My mum and my sister love Christmas.  They love the decorations, the tree, the lights etc...  I love this about them.  The thing is I kept trying to be like them and I am not.  I have never enjoyed decorating, so I don't.  I don't put up lights either.  I've stopped feeling like there is something wrong with me about this.  Maybe some day I'll want to, but for now, I don't.  And I don't feel like I am missing out.

I am doing some things this year that I do enjoy (a bit of a follow-up to last year).  I am wearing antlers to work.  I am working on creative ways to give gifts.  As you can imagine, I also hate shopping.  I am wrapping my gifts today, instead of waiting until next week.  I am not worrying so much if the gifts are perfect.  I believe the people they are for will like them.

I'm giving myself a break about not sending Christmas cards.  Not that I ever have sent them, but I believe this is the first time I don't feel like I am not doing something I should.

The thing is, I am exploring ways that I can celebrate Christmas that I like.  Over time this is bound to change.  At least for now, I am finding ways to honour who I am and do the things that feed me.

Social experiment

Today I accidentally was part of an interesting social experiment.  This week has been very emotionally challenging and exhausting at work.  Last night I decided that I needed to do something different today to try to have a better day.  So, I wore Christmas antlers all day.  You know the kind that are attached to a headband.

I know most of the people at work, so they generally just laughed at me.  Ahhhh, mission accomplished.  Then, I had to run an errand at the mall at lunch time.  So, the downtown mall is usually pretty busy at lunch, and because it is less than 2 weeks until Christmas it was pretty crazy.  It was interesting to observe peoples reaction.

Some looked and laughed.  Some smiled.  Others looked and looked away.  Seemingly very uncomfortable and not wanting to engage.  It was this reaction that got me thinking.  I was wearing the antlers so obviously I was in on the joke.  So why did people turn away?  Maybe why isn't really what I want to discuss.

It really made me think about why people get to a stage of lonely or depressed in our world.  There I was doing something funny and people didn't want to have any part of it.  Is our society too serious?  Is living in a city that is, on average, all about money making people this way?  Are we too busy to take time to be in the present moment?  Focused on getting to the next and the next and the next?  I don't know.  It is making me think about how I am in the world though.

I hope that I can learn to be in the moment.  To see the here and now.  This is hard for me today, but especially important.  Right at this moment life is good.  I'm sitting in a comfortable arm chair.  My fire place is on.  And I am writing, something I love to do.  But, there is a part of my mind that is still at work, still angry about some of what happened this week.  Still anxious about what tomorrow will bring.  I think this is normal, but it does rob me of the now.

My recent lesson to learn

Today is a hard day.  I am working on a project at work where the mix of personalities has been toxic from the beginning.  We are now at crunch time so... well you can imagine how well things are going.  Today was another round where a couple of people criticized some work, without providing solutions.  Basically, it feels like all along they have been punting their responsibility on this project.

This seems to be happening in more than one arena in my life of late.  My recent relationship felt a lot like that also, where she wanted me to be responsible for her life.

I guess this is the time for me to learn to deal with this kind of behaviour towards me.  Time for me to find a way to say that this is not acceptable and I will not put up with it.  This is not easy for me.  I'm more inclined to let it go, and find ways to blame myself.  But, if I put up with it, it will just continue and I will be more and more unhappy.  Sadly, I know this from experience.  It's happened to me many times.  Which, I guess isn't really a surprise as it is my instinctual way of dealing with things I don't like.

So, today I am working hard at remembering that I have choices.  I can choose to let people treat me this way, or I can say something.  I can accept their poor behaviour towards me, or I can reject it.  And, I don't have to feel bad about it.  It's ok to stand up for myself.  It's ok to hold other people accountable for things that aren't mine to be responsible for.

I can also choose to be angry all evening or to let it go.  I did stand up for myself earlier today.  I guess I need to trust that that is enough.  It feels like enough for now. I have my doubts that it will change the behaviour, but at least I am not blaming myself.  At least I am recognizing things for what they are.  That in itself is progress.

What to do

My doctor gave me a different anti-depressant to try.  It's a new type.  His, (albeit limited) experience with patients taking it is that it makes them feel better than they have in a long time.  The one I was taking was definitely better than nothing, but it certainly had its draw-backs.  I have been taking the new one for just over 2 weeks now.  Now that my body is getting used to it, and most of the side effects are abating, I can see the benefits of it.

This weekend I have found myself not knowing what to do with myself.  I have been tired for so long now that it felt normal.  Napping all the time actually takes up a huge amount of time.  I also felt so draggy all the time and didn't really have energy to do anything.  It has been long enough that this has been the pattern of my life.  The last couple of days I haven't felt the need to have a nap.  Weird for me.  I also feel wide awake for a large portion of the day.  Also weird.

I am sure I will get used to this feeling.  In the mean time, I'm not sure what to do with myself.

Clogged sink

Tonight my kitchen sink plugged up.  It wasn't fun.  However, I am so glad to see how I reacted.  I didn't flip out.  I didn't have major anxiety.  It wasn't a crazy dramatic event.  I took apart the pipes under the sink.  This made a huge mess.  I managed to find a piece of wire to try to clean out whatever the clog was.  I got my sink back together.  I called the plumber.

None of this was dramatic.  I was able to problem solve. I was able to try a couple of things.  I'm not worked up over having to have a plumber in.  I'm not happy about it, but who likes plumbing problems.  I am grateful though to be able to manage.

Funny.  I wrote and published the first two paragraphs of this post and then started to feel extremely anxious.    Huh?  What's that about?  I don't trust the feeling better.  I feel like I always have to be alert and like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I didn't actually realize I was doing this until tonight.  Just naming it has helped with the anxiety.  Hopefully I can find a way to believe that the better will last.  Or, at the very least be ok in the moment and not worry about what happens later.

New medication

Ugh... I hate the process of changing doses or medications.  It makes the dreams crazier than usual.  My doctor suggested a different type of medication.  He thinks it will help with the tired all the time.  I'm totally willing to give it a go.  The process is annoying though.  I have some wacky, wacky dreams.  Today a couple of them are sticking with me.  Sigh.

Saving grace

I have been thinking about this blog today.  It was so very scary to start it.  So very scary to hit post the very first time.  And yet, I am so glad I did it.  Writing the blog, in a lot of way, has been my saving grace.  It gives me an outlet to write about my life.  To write about what is going on.  And to get some feedback.  I am pretty sure the only people who read it are people that know me.  But, that's ok.  I'm not really writing it to have a large following.  Ultimately, I write for me.

The story on this blog is very personal.  It is my story. It is the good and the bad and the ugly.  Sometimes it reaches into the depths of who I am. It helps me with seeing who I am, and often to gain perspective.

It's funny is some ways.  I always remember wanting to be a writer. At my job now I do a lot of writing, but it is a particular kind of writing for a particular purpose.  I enjoy it.  Writing a personal blog is very different.  As you may have seen, I allow myself to experiment with types of writing.  Sometimes I am more coherent than others.  Sometimes it is emotional, sometimes it is objective.  It's nice to write for no other reason than to write.

I've been amazed though since sharing my story.  So many people have told me their stories.  Stories of joy, of pain, of sorrow, of resilience, of hope, of despair.  I see so much strength in people around me, that I didn't know was there.  I hope that some of the strength I have found shows also.  It's not always easy, but today I feel like there has been a lot of progress.  Would I say I am depressed now?  No.  Am I working on the after-effects of it?  Yes.  But, often I find myself enjoying a moment, for no other reason than I am there. This is still an incredible feeling for me and one I am not sure I will ever take for granted.  I hope not.  The darkness was so overpowering for so long.  It's good to be out of it, despite the hard days, despite the hard times.  Working on the after-effects is a way for me to find my life outside of depression and to find ways to feel alive.

Anger bordering on rage

Yesterday was a bad day.  Let's start there.  I was angry at someone.  I have mixed thoughts about my reaction to the situation.

I really believe that anger is a natural reaction to how I was being treated.  Someone was treating me poorly, being a bully, and trying to get what she wanted without any thought of how it might affect me.  She was also accusing me of doing things to make her life difficult.  Most of her accusations were unfounded or a very selective view of the truth.  Selective to, in my view, serve her own needs.  Again, no thoughts about how it might affect me.  This really has been the pattern with this person all along.

On one hand I am really glad for the anger.  It is a good defense mechanism to not give in and try to make peace.  It is a way for me to find my voice and say no.  I will not accept your treatment of me.  It is a useful tool that way.

On the other hand, I am scared of what happened.  Anger is one thing.  Uncontrollable rage is another and I was bordering between the two.  I haven't felt that out of control with anger in a long long time.  So, what's that about?  A few things I think.  Life has been stressful so I haven't been at my best lately.  Secondly, this is a pattern and I have let things go for too long, I guess.  I didn't really see it for awhile.  Now that I do, I will not tolerate it.  But still, the rage is not needed or helpful.

I guess I had hoped that side of me was gone.  It is hard to realize that I am still capable of getting that out of control.  It scares me as well. I have done some pretty horrible things to people in fits of rage.  I never want to do that again.  I think, and hope, I can recognize when things are getting that bad and find a way to get out of the situation.

The other part that is hard for me is that I have a hard time letting myself be human.  When things don't go perfectly (in my view) it is really tough for me to give myself a break.  I'm working at it.  Today, this is what I am doing.  Trying to remember that being perfect has nothing to do with it.

My goal through all of this is to feel my feelings, to get in touch with them.  This really felt like I was in touch with the hurt and anger.  I didn't shut down, I wasn't numb.  It's not nice to feel emotions that intensely.  I understand why I was avoiding it.  I think that I am also learning how to feel things.  Maybe that is also part of the intensity of emotion.  It feels a bit like all or nothing right now.  I hope that the more I learn about myself, and the more I am able to feel things, the better I will be able to manage.  I guess time will tell.

In the meantime...  I will keep telling myself that being angry is ok.  Even raging to a point is ok.  It's a normal way to feel based on what happened.  I don't like it though.

Cause and Effect

Lately, and tonight in particular, I've been feeling like my life is a shit show.  On some level I am sure that I am contributing or causing this, but I'm not really sure how.  And, I'm not really sure what to do with it.  I feel like I'm up against a wall right now.  A lot of aspects of my life seem off and causing me grief.  I'm tired.  It's exhausting.  And this makes it worse because things are harder to manage.  Words of encouragement are welcome, or tips and tricks if you have been here.  Or even just stories of having been in this place.

Frustration

I was at group tonight and got to talking about relationships.  I have one recently ended and it was the same pattern as always, or so it seems.  I end up with someone who wants to take as much out of the relationship as they can, but not really put anything into it.  Or so it feels anyhow.  This breakup was hard as it felt like all of the blame for what went wrong came my way.  And that is unfair.  I am not perfect, but it takes 2 to tango.  And I feel like I was used.

I was trying at group though to look at the pattern and to see if I could come to any kind of clarity about that.      Someone suggested that perhaps I was looking to be recognized for the things that I did.  Looking to be noticed for that kind of stuff.  That resonates with me.  I guess I feel like I did a lot of accommodating and a lot of nurturing and when I asked for it back, I feel like I got shafted.  This time, but other times also.

So, how do I keep ending up in this pattern?  Interesting because I think the relationship started off ok.  I was being me and advocating for my needs.  Then, I got sucked in, again.  I guess it comes to balance of wanting so much to care for other people, but also remembering that I deserve care too.  Care from me and care from others as well.  Not that I'm a tit for tat person, but I need to be fed in a relationship as well as giving energy.  If it is one-way, I will end up here again.  Hard to remember in the middle of it. I need to do some more thinking about this, but for now, here it is.

Some days I wonder if I will ever figure it out...  Maybe.

Remembrance Day

As I sit in my nice warm place tonight, on this Remembrance Day, I am thinking of all the stories of war and service.

I think of my grandma.  She learned how to knit in school in First World War time England.  She learned how to knit with her eyes closed so she could continue to support the war efforts during blackouts.  She also lost her father when she was 11.  A civilian victim of the war.

I think of my other grandma, growing up in rural Alberta.  When the Second World War hit, she was 12 and her family was German.  I have heard a story where she and her younger brother refused to speak German after that.

I think of my great-uncle who went to enlist during WWII because he figured he wouldn't be sent overseas as he could get a farmer exemption.  Only, there was a mistake with his paper work and he spent years in Europe.  The military didn't always know where he was due to the mistake.

I think of my uncle who as few years ago was diagnosed with PTSD from Korea.  No wonder he was such an cranky ornery man for so long.

I remember in high school really grasping the reality of war.  The first Gulf war was on at the time and someone I knew in school was 18 and in the reserves at the time.  It dawned on me then that she could go to war.

I spent 2 summers working as a civilian summer student at the military base.  I learned a lot more what the life of a soldier is like.  I remember meeting a lovely woman the first summer.  By the next summer she was in Yugoslavia in a conflict zone.  I also met an interesting woman my second summer there.  Tough as nails and not well liked... but also gay.  I know this to be true as she told me.  But, I also know she suffered a lot for it once she was caught with another woman.

When I was in university my boyfriend at the time joined the reserves.  Amazingly, all these years later, he is still at it.  Good for him.

Recently, I have gotten to know someone at work.  She is a veteran of the forces.  She and her husband (who is still in uniform) both live with PTSD from their tours of duty.

Not wallowing

Today has been a tough day.  I am mentally and emotionally worn out from working so much in the last while.  Also, because I only have so much energy to deal with things, I have put a lot of things on the back burner.  Now that the pressure is off, they are coming to the front burner, so to speak.  I'm trying to keep things in perspective and not get too overwhelmed.  It's tough.

I have however, decided that I need to get out of my place tonight.  And so, I am going dancing.  I usually can let go when I dance and just let the music flow through me.  I am looking forward to it.

Revelation

A couple of weeks ago I had a very rough interaction with someone.  It's not the first time that our interactions have not gone well.  Today I finally have enough brain power to think about it a little.  I realize that I have little tolerance for BS when I see. I also realize that I am pretty intuitive when someone is saying things that are completely hypocritical.  This is definitely the case with this person.  They were saying one thing, but it was obvious to me what their real agenda was.

Unfortunately I tend to react in a way that calls people out when I see this.  Generally, that doesn't go well.  I like the part of me that is able to see through things, however it does get me in trouble.  I think it would be helpful to try to find a different way to express myself in these types of situations.

hanging in

For the last 5 weeks I have been working, A LOT.  Really, I haven't been doing a whole lot else.  Tonight I am worn out and tired. But, I am holding on... for dear life it feels like. Tomorrow the pressure will let up some and the next day even more.  I am bit afraid of what is going to happen when I let go.  This is really the first time of sustained pressure and stress I have had since my diagnosis.  Truthfully I wasn't even sure I could handle it at all.  I've managed so far... 2 more days.

It has made me realize a few things though.  About 14 months ago I stopped working full time and started working 4 days a week.  I was pretty sure this was a good decision and really helping me.  Now I know for sure.  I am really looking forward to having 3 day weekends again.  I realize what good balance that is for my life. I also know that I am good for about 2 weeks of a lot of work and then it starts to wear on me.  But, I know that even now, I am alive and I am not at the end of my rope.  Just worn out.

I can tell writing this that I am tired. I am not sure sure how coherent it is, but I hope the message gets through.

Hanging on

My job right now is pretty intense, it has been for about 2 weeks and looks to be for 3 more.  This is a big test of my ability to cope with things.  I am working way more than usual having to work very closely with one person in particular who I find very, very challenging.

I'm working hard to ensure that I take care of myself through this, but certainly the time I have to do some of the things that are good for me is very limited.  So far I feel ok, but  I'm scared too.  I have an inkling that right underneath the coping is not coping and it could surface anytime.  I'm hoping I can hang on until things slow down.  It feels a lot like things used to be when I always just kept coping.  Maybe that is why I am scared.  It feels the same.  It might now be though, things have changed.

We'll see how it goes I guess.  I knew I would have to face this kind of test of my coping skills eventually as this is the way my job works.

Bullies and suicide

This week there is a video that has gone viral about a teenager who committed suicide because of bullies.  At least that I what I presume the video is about. The truth is that I haven't watched it.  I can't.  I can't because it hits too close to home.  I too considered suicide a viable option to getting away from a bully.  Only I was an adult, not a teenager.  I know how bad a place you have to be in to think that is a good option.  The place of feeling so helpless, of not being able to see alternatives, of not really understanding that there are options, that things will be better.  The feeling of being stuck in the current misery forever and just wanting it to end.

Just writing this makes me cry.  The fact that suicide has been in the media and a topic of discussion so much is good.  People need to understand that this happens.  It's hard on me though as it brings make so much pain.  The pain from my experience but also from suicides and attempted suicides by people around me.  I was 13 the first time I knew someone who killed themselves, it was a boy in homeroom at school.  When I was 18 a guy in my residence killed himself and 2 others tried.  These were the closest ones to me, but there were others that I knew about also.  I don't remember ever really talking about it, or knowing how to talk about it.  I didn't talk about it when I was on the edge either.  I went to work, and had to deal with the bully, just like everything was fine.  And so, I talk about it now.  It's after the fact, but I realize as I write this, the pain is still there and very much real.  Things to process, things to think about and things to talk about.

It hurts so much being in that place where there seems to be no solutions.  It hurts to know people who are in that place and it hurts to know of people that are there also.  The pain is raw all over again.  The desperation is raw all over again.  I am sad for me, and for all others that have been there, as it is such dark dark place.  I wish there was some way to let people know that it does get better, that the current situation is not all there is.  I'm crying now... releasing pain, feeling pain, hopefully healing some pain.  Don't judge people too harshly, they are desperate and don't know what to do.  Try to show them a better way...

Good stuff

I was reading a post on someone else's blog tonight and it got me thinking.   The commentor stated that they often wished depression was terminal just so the could see an end to the anguish.  This comment struck a chord with me.  I used to wish the same thing.  At least then there would be some end in sight.

I realized that I no longer wish that.  Depression is likely something I am going to live with for the rest of my life.  I'm learning to ride the ups and downs.  The thing is, there are so many things in my life that I would hate to miss out on.  And these are the same things that give me hope when things are not so good.  The list is long, but here is a sample: being a part of my nephews lives, my family, beauty, unexpected connection with people (which often happens because of sharing my story of depression), accomplishment, learning, growing....

If I can focus on these things on bad days, it doesn't make the bad days go away, but it does make me remember why the effort is worth it.

The ongoing journey - religion this time

I was thinking tonight about my journey with Christianity and thinking more about what it was about it that hurt me so much and turned me right off.  One thought that came to mind tonight is that I always felt like I was being set up to fail.  It seemed to me that the expectations and the way of being that to me was part of being Christian were impossible to meet.  And so, I always felt like a failure.

The thing for me is that I have enough trouble feeling like I am good enough, that I am valuable etc...  I realize now that going to church and having Christianity as a big part of my life felt like just one more way that I was failing, that I wasn't good enough.  That hurt me a lot.  And made it impossible for me to keep being a part of it.  I could barely cope with the things I had to do that made me feel like a failure everyday.  Church was one thing I had some control over and could let go, so I did.

My understanding of Christianity has not changed in the intervening years.  And so, while I feel better and stronger now, most of the time, I can't make myself believe or think that being a part of a church again will be anything but pain, hurt, disappointment and failure.

Something about

I was away for work to a fairly small community the last couple of days.  There's something about getting away, even when it is only for an day and a half, and when you don't sleep well.  There's something energizing about meeting other people.  They see the world in a different way and always add perspective or food for thought to my world. This trip was for a work meeting with a number of farmers from around this community.  They certainly see the world in a unique way, but one that for them, totally makes sense.

I'm exhausted and invigorated all at the same time.

Spinning

So much emotion
My mind is spinning
Out of control
Sadness
It seems never ending
Thoughts of having
To put on a happy face
Where to find the energy
Why so sad
How to comprehend
Where did that come from
Why now
Couldn't you wait
One step forward
Two steps back
Or is that the other
Way around
Disjointed
Jumping thoughts
Can't settle down
Spinning
Vortex
Sucked in to it
Why the same again
Is it me
What is it about me
Again really
Wasn't I done
Hadn't I dealt with that
Saw it coming
Couldn't hang on
Why didn't I try
Take care of me
It's the only way
I didn't mean it
How could you take it that way
Can't you see
Relax
Distract
Ignore
Too many thoughts
Around and around and around
Did some things right

Anger and Sadness

Tonight I am angry, really angry.  I won't reveal why as it affects another person way too much.  I have been feeling so sad and down for awhile now that in some ways anger feels good.  Sadness takes so much energy just to deal with.  Anger provides energy, at least in the short term.  I am sure once the anger fades I will feel sadness over the situation that caused it, but for now it's nice to feel differently anyhow.

Awkward Moments

Today at work it came up with someone I don't know very well that I had been off sick for a week.  As we all do when we don't want to catch something she started moving away.  All I said was I wasn't contagious.

What I really wanted to say was that no, you can't catch this.  But, it affects you.  It affects everyone in some way.  She may not know other people dealing with depression, or she might.  But, she knows me.  She may well be ignorant of the fact that she knows someone with depression.  I wanted to say, see my invisible struggles, see me, see what I go through.  No, I don't have a cold or the flu or a broken bone or anything you can see.  I am struggling though.  And my struggles are no less valid or challenging than anyone else's, even if you can't see them.  Even if I choose in that moment to keep them hidden.

My sister

My sister is amazing.  I have been having a really tough week this last week.  Today I phoned her out of the blue and asked to come over.  She said yes.  Now, this may not seem amazing to some of you, but my sister had a baby 5 days ago.  Despite her learning how to manage with a toddler and a new baby, she was so supportive today.  She wanted to ensure I was ok.  We had a really good talk, for which I am grateful.

We talked about sadness.  We talked about not having to feel happy all the time, no matter if you have depression or not.  We talked about some things that she has observed in my life of late.  Frankly we talked. After 3 days of not leaving my place, it was nice to get out and to talk about stuff.  Real stuff, not surface stuff.  It was a talk I needed.   A place to articulate a lot of what has been going on in my head.

And, well my nephews are fabulous creatures so hanging out with them never hurts.

Sadness

My dad phoned this morning to tell me he is there for me if I need him.  While we were talking he asked me if I was running away from things right now.  When talking to him, I said maybe a little.  When I started to really think about it, I realized I am not running away.  That is why this is so hard.

What I am doing is learning to make room for sadness in my life.  There is nothing wrong with feeling sad.  It is a normal emotion, but it is one that I have never made room for.  I have always just ignored it, even when the situation called for it.  I never wanted the attention on me, so I always said I was fine.  When people are dealing with their own things, this answer passes by.

The truth is though, I am sad.  I am sad for things I have lost.  I am sad for things long since gone and sad for things that have happened recently.  I feel like I have lost so much in so many ways because of the depression.  This makes me feel sad.  I have never really grieved the loss of people or dreams or innocence in my life.  I feel that sadness now also.  It is overwhelming.  But it is important.  I won't ever be able to really feel sad about current stuff until I deal with the old stuff because it will otherwise always feel overwhelming.  And so, I feel very sad these days.

The thing is to let myself feel the sadness, know it's ok and then find a way to deal with it.  Some things I will always feel sad about, but they are not things that I am going to think about all the time.  Right now the sadness is big, but very little of it is about the here and now.  Dealing with the big sadness should let me focus again on the here and now.  Learning how to feel sadness, learning to make space for it in my life is so important though.  There will be other things in my life that make me sad.  I need to make space for that and not ignore it.

Disappointment

Sometimes doing the right thing for me is terribly hard.  Today it means not going to a friends' event, even though I really want to be there.  There has been a lot of stuff going on of late and I have been pushing through.  Today my brain said no, stop, you are done pushing.

I have spent a lot of the day sleeping.  I hope it is restorative sleep.  One of the things that has been going on lately is learning to be sad.  So often I mask sadness with anxiety or anger.  Those emotions feel like they provide energy, and they feel a lot less vulnerable to me.  Sadness takes energy and it makes me feel vulnerable, like if someone knows I am sad then they could hurt me.  Sadness feel weak to me, whereas anger feels strong.  One some level though, I know that feeling emotions, whatever they are takes courage for me.

Feeling the sadness is hard because feeling sadness about current things feels leads to old sadness that I have never felt and it feels overwhelming.  It sometimes feels that if I start to feel sad, I might never stop.  The trick is to find ways to deal with bite size chunks of sadness.  I'm working on it.

There are other things going on also.  My sister had her second child the other day.  I love having nephews, it's an awesome experience, and I'm totally in love with both of them.  One some level I think I've always had it in the back of my mind that I might have kids of my own someday, in the traditional marriage with the 2.2 kids, the dog and the white picket fence.  This is not me, and I know it.  Letting go of the last of the hope, as unrealistic as it was, is something I am also trying to do.  Realizing that who I am excludes this life is ok, but comes with a sense of loss.  Finding myself and being myself is super important, but not all of it is easy.  Decidedly some hard stuff too.

Work has also been rather challenging of late.  I have quickly learned that if there is a lot of work to do, I am fine, but the interpersonal interactions are hard, it struggle a lot more.  I have been fairly effectively ignoring it for awhile, but I have been ignoring it and pretending it was affecting me.  But it has been.

And, I am wondering if my medication isn't working how it should be.  I've been feeling very agitated, frustrated and angry of late.  I really thought it was emotional, but then someone said to me that when she was on anti-depressants this happened when her dose was too strong.  I am going to call the doctor on Monday and see about this.

I am thankful to be in a position in life where I can take a day off of life once in awhile.  I only wish, this time it hadn't come when I had plans I really wanted to be at.

Running Away

Today I felt the urge to run away.  From my job, from depression, from anything hard in my life.  Just run away from it all.  The urge is familiar to me.  I have spent a lot of time in my life hopping around, job to job particularly.  Some of this was because jobs got boring, but often it was because I didn't know how to cope with the situation at hand so I left.  Just having the urge to run made me realize that I need to sort through some stuff.  It also scared me.  Anything that feels like depression scares me as I don't want to go back to that place where life is awful, all the time.

The thing I have come to learn is that some situations you need to leave.  Absolutely, positively without a doubt.  Leaving my last job was exactly the right thing to do.  The environment there was toxic for me and no matter how much I tried I don't think it would have been a lot better.  But often running away doesn't really change things.  When I haven't changed then changing the situation hasn't helped in the long run.  In the short run it is great, but old patterns die hard.

Work was hard emotionally today.  So I want to run. The thing is that it is a good place to work for the most part.  There are some dynamics right now that are challenging, but the project will be over in a few months.  Is it worth the whole upheaval of running and finding something new for that?  No.  But dealing with things is hard and tiring also.  Finding new ways to manage and cope is tough and requires so much energy (which might explain why I have been feeling so tired lately).  I don't like difficult emotions, but then again who does?

The shrinking bubble

I was talking tonight at group about how for the last over year and a half I have really been insulating myself in a bubble in order to heal.  I've been focusing on that and letting other things fall off to the side.  This has been good for the most part, and definitely something I needed to do.  But, I said something about the bubble starting to feel small.  As I said it, I realized how true it was.

I've known this for awhile I guess.  But much of it came to light for me this week when I exchanged some difficult emails with a friend.  And so, I now am more aware that I need to get back into the world.  One of the biggest challenges I see is finding a way to integrate some of my life before with my life now.  I was hiding from myself and doing everything I could to be someone else.  But, not everything was bad.  There are good people in my life from then.  Good people that I don't want out of my life.  And yet, I can't have them in my life in the same way.

It dawns on me as I write this that I am scared.  Scared that being around the same people will put me in a place to continue the same old habits that are bad for me.  Scared that I won't be able to find different ways to relate to people that I have known for awhile.  Scared of not being able to cope or manage or be ok.  This is likely not fair to those people, but it is how I feel.  It makes me sad also to think that I am scared of relating to some people that have always been such good friends.

As hard as it may be, I am not willing to let some people go without trying to find a way through this.  I need to have patience with myself and ask my friends to do the same.  I am learning new ways of being and relating, new ways that are so much healthier for me.

Tough night

The counselor who suggested that I go to group therapy warned me that it was not for the faint of heart. She was right.  Tonight was tough.  Figuring out your emotions, or changing your relationship with your emotions, is hard. It means really trying to be aware of what is going on inside you, of what you feel and what you think.  I hit a tough spot with some emotions today.

Joy, Peace, Happiness

At the end of this week I had a moment where life was good, pure good. I felt joy, peace and happiness all at once.  These are emotions that were foreign to me for so long.  People would talk about them and I thought I understood.  But really I had no idea.  My idea at the time of a happy time was one where I was ok enough to smile.  Basically not horrible days were good days for me.

Now, when something happens and I feel so good, it's amazing and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  These moments were missing in my life for years.  I can hardly believe that they are part of my life now.  For me, it takes courage to let myself stay in those moments, to enjoy, to feel good.  In order to feel the good, you have to feel the bad.  When you feel the bad, you can show cracks in your armour, and people might take advantage of that.  At least this was my thought process.  The trick is to realize that there are cracks in my armour, I am not perfect, and I don't need to be.  If people take advantage of my vulnerabilities, then it's up to me to decide how to react to that.  I don't have to let them "win".

I'm going to continue letting myself feel whatever I feel.  It's the only way to really feel alive.

Risk

Tonight at group therapy we were talking about risk taking.  Changing habits, changing coping mechanisms, changing patterns is scary.  Even when we know that the way we do things isn't healthy.

It dawned on me tonight how much this blog has helped me learn to take some of those risks.  When I started writing it I really wanted to find a way to articulate what was going on with me.  The only way to do that is to be honest and take some risks.  It was so hard to tell people about the blog, to let people see how much I was struggling.  I am so grateful to have done it though.  There are so many things that I have either found a way through, or risked telling people at all.  This has been huge in my process of healing.

I can see when I go to group that talking about a number of things doesn't feel risky to me, anymore.  I have worked hard to be ok with so many things about myself and so telling them isn't so bad.  Exploring some of my actions and reactions in a group setting is hard, but not as hard as it once would have been.

My place

I was doing some writing tonight (that I can't put on the internet) and came up with a line that really struck me.

Being me and finding my place in the world, instead of finding a place and being whoever I need to to make it work.

This is exactly what I have been striving for in my journey to learn to live with depression.  In some ways I am there, in others I have a long way to go.  Today I feel like the journey is important and worthwhile.

Covering old ground

It's been a tough weekend in may ways.  I was thinking the other day about what I want in life and the old thought of "who am I to deserve to want anything?" came to mind again.  It would be ok if it was only a thought, but it is not.  I thought I was finished with this idea.  Guess not.  I find myself feeling completely insecure again and so unsure of myself.  I'm not entirely sure why or where this is coming from.  Work to do.

The World in Shades of Grey

Not long ago I would have told you about many absolutes in my life, many things that were black and white. But, recently, more and more I have been finding myself in situations where those absolutes don't work.  I try to make decisions on the absolutes and I am unable to.

I remember often feeling like there must be more to the world than some of the black and white around.  Yet, I was running so hard from who I was, hiding my true self so much, and so scared that it might get revealed, even to me, that I bought into the absolutes.  Or at least I convinced myself I did.

It's scary to start to see that a lot of things I believed were true, no longer seem true to me.  The absolutes are things to base my life on, a foundation.  It feels like my foundation is gone, or pretty much.  I don't really know where I stand, or what is true anymore.  The one thing I do know I guess is that living with absolutes that don't fit who I really am is worse than this completely unsettled feeling I have now.  I have an opportunity to figure out what I want to base my life on.  What really is important to me and what I believe to  be true.  Scary, unsettling.  But in the end, the only way I can see to go forward without going back into my hiding place, and I don't want to do that.

Themes

Day 2 of group therapy was better.  I was way less anxious, and I even dared say a few things.  Nothing too personal, but still, I did talk.  And, I'm able to write about some learnings so that is also a good sign.l

I was struck tonight that no matter who we are, or how we got to be in the group, or what contexts we face so many of the themes are the same. Self-worth, self-care, feeling trapped, being stuck, the consequences of being in survival mode, not knowing how to constructively say what we feel, not feeling like we can stand up for ourselves, sacrificing our own needs and wants for other people.

Funny, because I know all of these.  I have, and am still, working on how all of these things are a part of my life.  Where to find the balance between the parts of me that care for other people, and yet not sacrificing myself to care about them.  It's a challenge for me.

Playing by the Rules... or Not

I have spent so much of my life playing by the rules.  Never taking risks, being afraid of the potential for things to go wrong.  Feeling like I never fit in anywhere.  Feeling my soul shriveling day by day.

Sometimes the rules are stupid.  Sometimes the rules make sense for some people and not for others.  Sometimes not risking doing things differently has far greater consequences that taking a risk and having things go wrong.  Playing by other peoples rules led me to a place where I wanted to end my own life.  It led me to a place where I could never see things getting better.  And I always, always felt like it wasn't really me.  And so now, I need to find my own rules.  I need to take the risks I need to take.  I need to judge myself on trying, rather than on results.  Risk comes with potential upside and downside.  I understand that.  Making my own rules is important.  Taking risks is important for me to feel whole.  Being myself, my whole self really matters.

I'm overwhelmed by the freedom of this revelation, and scared by the possibilities.  It won't always be easy.   But, feeling on the outside of things and not really understanding why is not easy either.  At least if I can better understand what I need and want, I can choose to be on the outside, instead of being unhappy about it.

Rough evening and growth

Tonight I feel pretty low.  I'm pretty sure it's an after effect of too much anxiety this week.  Between starting group therapy, having a mouse in my place, and some stress at work, my brain just can't cope anymore.  Well, and the fact that I am still new at coping with these things in a healthy way, instead of my old coping mechanisms.  It's moments like this that leave me feeling weak, fragile and fallible.  I'm struggling to think of good ways to cope, and ways to be gentle with myself.

Rationally I know it's now as bad as it used to be, but sadly I don't feel that way.  Instead of wallowing, I did some yoga, I'm writing a blog and I will do some personal writing after I write this.  These are things I wouldn't have done before.  So, I will hold onto the hope that I have learned some things and can handle this, and handle it in a good way.  For now, some writing.

Afterwards

Well, I survived my first group therapy session.  It was interesting.  There are a total of 6 women in the group, plus the psychologist as the facilitator.  I didn't say much this week.  Takes a bit to learn the unwritten rules of a group.  But, I'll get there.  Everyone is there for their own reasons.  Some have been there a relatively short time, others for a few years.

My experience of it?  Anxiety is the only good word to use.  I was anxious the whole time I was there and have been anxious ever since.  I know this will be good for me in the end, but it is rather scary in the mean time.  Who knows what I will discover about myself?

Nerves and more nerves

Tomorrow I am going to start going to group therapy. I'm nervous.  Truthfully, I'm pretty scared.  I'm not entirely sure what to expect.  This has been a long time coming.  I first talked to the psychologist about it in March. Due to a lot of factors, tomorrow is the day.

Since March I have talked myself in and out of it about 100 times.  But, I do believe that it will be good for me.  As far as I can tell, it takes being in a better place in order for it to be helpful, so here I am feeling better to a point.  And now, I will try something new.  Even as I write this I have a knot in my stomach.

I need to remember to take my whole self into the room tomorrow.  Not just the crazy nervous me.  I need to remember that the other people in the group have been where I am.  They were new once also.

This and that

When I logged on today to write this blog, I realized that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last wrote one.  A good sign to be sure.  The desperate need to sort out what is going on with me is waning some.

It's been a month of good things.  Time with family and friends.  Vacation.  A few dates as well.  Some dodgeball, and the great people I continue to meet that way.  Many times I have found myself just being... just being in the moment and living life.  It's an incredible feeling.  It's so nice to be able to live and feel alive.

It's been a month of challenges.  Some things to think about and process.  How to manage stressful situations without losing it.  How to deal with people that challenge me.  How to take care of myself when there is so much pressure around me to do things differently.  The thing with all of this is that I am learning.  It's not always easy and I don't always react the way I would want to... but I am learning.

Learning that if I don't take care of myself, eventually none of the pressure will matter because I won't be able to handle it.  Learning that there are just some things in my life that have to be non-negotiable.  Like sleep and exercise and eating right.  It's doesn't take very long for a lack of these things to make me feel like I can't cope.

Random thoughts for today.

Old hurts

It's funny what can bring up emotions that I thought were dealt with and long gone.  I have been having such a lovely weekend, full of family and friends and fun.  Then, this evening, a post on someone's facebook page has me in tears, and not because the post was sad.  For some reason though it has me feeling lonely and rejected, feeling that same feeling of not fitting in anywhere that I have felt so many times in my life.

So often I feel on the fringe of things. Like, people like me, but don't want to be friends with me.  This started in about Jr. High School and reoccurred so many times in my life.  And, at times it hurts.  Tonight I am feeling some of those old hurts again.  And yet, I'm not sure it is all old hurts.

I've been back in my hometown for 4 years now and often it still feels like I am starting new.  So much has changed for me since coming to terms with having depression and I am different.  So, logically I know that in a lot of ways I am starting anew, again.  But, still, it is hard to always feel like I have to be the person putting myself out there to meet people.  And, well, I feel like I am learning to interact with people all over again.

There are good people in my life.  I have friends here.  Maybe it's just old hurts I thought I had dealt with.  Feelings of rejection.  Hopefully a few tears will work some of that out.

Not perfect

I've recently been rekindling a love of drawing.  I stopped doing it a long time ago when someone told me I didn't have any talent at it.  I so much wanted approval for so much of my life then when I couldn't do something well then I just didn't do it at all.  Now, I am discovering the value in the process.  I love to draw. Am I likely to become a professional artist?  I can't picture it.  But, it doesn't matter.

I am learning that perfection is not necessarily the end goal in life.  Trying, taking risks, growing, learning.  These are all perfectly valid goals.  Going after them makes me feel better about myself than going after perfection ever has.  It's interesting seeing myself slowly pursue different things in life. To judge myself on different criteria than I ever have.

18 months

It's been 18 months since I started taking anti-depressants.  18 months since I finally had an official diagnosis of depression. 18 months since I finally accepted that this was part of my life.  18 months of focusing on my health and finding ways to live in a way that acknowledges that fact.  18 months of looking inside and finding so many hurts, so much pain and finding ways to let it go.

It's been a pretty tough 18 months in a lot of ways.  There have been a lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of emotional pain.  I've had to learn to pay attention to how I feel.  I've been learning to stand up for myself and know that it's ok to do that.  I've learned that I am important and I need to look out for me.  I've come to understand that I am valuable just because I am me, not because of my achievements.  I know that its good to accept the love from friends and family.  I've learned to lean on other people when I feel weak and need someone to be strong for me.  I am so grateful to the people who have done this and continue to do this for me.

I've learned what depression is and the effect it has on my life.  I know depression, I know it intimately.  I know how it feels.  I know the desperation that can come when it seems like depression is all there is.  I know what it does to me.  And, I feel for other people who have this illness.

Looking back is good sometimes. I remember how horrible my life was for so long.  How I felt like I was existing and not really alive.  How I really didn't care about anything.  I was surviving and just waiting for things to get better.  Waiting for a day when I could get out of the hell I felt like I was in.

I no longer feel that way.  Now, I find myself laughing and smiling, and not because I am faking it.  I see joy and sorrow.  I feel my feelings, I feel alive. Feeling better is not about feeling good all the time, at least not for me.  For me, it's about feeling period.  Feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling frustrated etc... It's about caring about my life and being involved.  I feel like I am there in so many ways.

I know that depression has affected how I see the world, how I act and react.  I'm working on sorting through what of that is useful to keep and what needs to go.  I'm also working on finding a way to live that includes the things that keep me healthy.  Family, friends, exercise, eating right, down time.  It still doesn't feel natural to try to find this balance, so I will continue to work.  The feeling of being ok is so strange for me. I am still getting used to it.

Changes

I went to a house concert tonight.  It was at a lesbian woman's house and the performer was a lesbian who sings about life as a lesbian. I was sitting on the living room floor there, thinking about how different my life is from what it used to be.  At one point, I was very involved in church and spent a lot of time with fairly conservative Christians.  And, before I move on, let me add how wonderful and lovely these people are.

Tonight I was in a room full of gay women, watching a concert.  I loved every minute of it.  I felt like I belonged there in a way that I haven't often felt in my life.

It amazes me sometimes how my life has changed and how I am feeling more and more comfortable in my skin.  It's still novel for me.  Maybe some day I'll get used to it.  I just hope I never take it for granted.

Ok, fairly random thoughts tonight. It's late, I'm tired.  But these things are on my mind.

Doing the work

Awhile ago, my counsellor told me I was doing good things by making changes to my life while taking the anti-depressants.  The medication is making me feel better, but as I have learned, doing the hard work to get at the core of some things is what will carry me forward.  It was super hard, but I can really see the benefits.  I see my life so much differently than I used to.  I see myself taking risks, doing things differently.  Some situations that I used to dread because I felt invisible are actually fun now because I have found a way to take up my allotted space.  I feel like in a lot of ways I am able to enjoy the benefits of the hard work.  There are things I am still working on, but the fact that other areas are coming together gives me hope that these things will as well.

Defining me

Lately it feels like the connection I have with people I meet is always either depression, being gay, or both.  For about a year and a half now, these are the two things that have been biggest in my life.  But, lately it feels like they are not really good reasons to connect with people, at least they are not enough.  I'm so much bigger than depression.  It's a part of me, but it's certainly not all of me.  But, I think it is the part of me that has been showing through the most.  I'm not entirely sure how to give it its proper place in my life, but it certainly needs to be smaller.

I want to connect with people for all sorts of reasons, not just because of having depression.  I find in cases where this is the biggest connection, the relationship is hard for me.  I have been there, but I am so much better now.  I don't want to be in the dark place anymore and spending time with people that are there is a big challenge.  I have to work hard to keep myself level.

This is something for me to think on.  I need to think about how I connect for other reasons.  How I show the rest of me, and not just this.

Heavy and light

Lately my life has felt very focussed on the heavy things.  Too much so.  In some ways this is a habit for me now.  I spent a lot of time in the last year and a half trying to figure myself out and dealing with a lot of heavy things.  This was important.  Now though, I find that I focus on the heavy and forget to really live.  I feel like maybe for a bit I just need to live my life.  Have some fun, deal with what comes and not think so much about the heavy stuff.

Better and not

I have realized a couple of things in the last couple of days.  Firstly I am so much better, secondly I am still fragile in some ways.

I provided "auntie day care" for my nephew again today.  He was having a bit of a rough day.  But, I was fine.  This was a big step for me.  When I first had him for the day in January, the thought of changing his diaper or making sure he ate, sent me into a panic.  I was sweating most of the day and worried about the fact that he had some food in his hair.  Basically, very anxious.

Today, nothing of the sort.  Some of that comes with experience, but some of it also comes with being better.  I realize that I don't have to be the perfect care taker.  I need to see that he eats and naps and has his diaper changed and I need to love and pay attention to him.  The rest is totally secondary.  If changing his diaper is a bit of an ordeal, well so be it.  If he makes a big mess of himself when he eats, at least he is eating.  Basically, I let myself off the hook.  I do the best that I can, and that is good enough.  It was such a treat to know that I can handle a bit of a tough day without a panic attack or major anxiety.  And in the end, we had some tough moments, but we also had some awesome moments.  So, it was a good day.

Someone I know is really really struggling with her mental health at this moment.  I really want to be there for her and thought I could.  I thought I could be that person who goes to see her often and listens and talks.  But, I can't.  I've spent the last nearly year and a half focussing on my own mental health.  I am feeling somewhat ready to be really back in the world.  But, I've realized that there are some things I am not ready for, and may never be.  I can support her a bit.  I can talk to her sometimes, I can tell her my story and listen to hers.  But, I also really need to be sure that I take time to ensure that I don't overwhelm myself in my desire to be helpful.  I need to remember that my own mental health needs to take priority or I won't be any use to anyone, especially me.  Just recognizing this shows me that in a lot of ways I am better.  I just need to be careful how much I tackle at once.

Looking at it

Something happened today that made me think a lot about the last four or so years.  I won't go into details of what happened as it is really personal for someone else.  Anyhow...  back to me as I really only have a right to post my own stories, thoughts, feelings etc... here.

I ended up trying to explain to someone what it feels like to be on the edge of suicide.  It's such a desperate and scary place.  You can't see anything except the present misery and pain and know that you can't do it anymore.  I, thankfully, found one small shred of hope when I got to the end of my rope.

I was also thinking a lot about the hard times I've had and how things have changed.  Today I really needed to talk some stuff out.  Instead of isolating myself and pretending that everything was ok, I called my mum and went for a visit.  I told some people how I was feeling.  this is a huge thing for me and yet it was actually my first thought.  For so long I wouldn't have wanted to burden anyone, or I would have felt like I was a failure because I needed to talk.  Now I know that this is a good thing to do.  I am grateful that there are people in my life who are there for me, no matter what.

I also realize that I have faced some similar situations as the ones I was in that were so bad.  And, I handled them differently.  When I was in a relationship that wasn't really honouring who I am, I ended it.  When something messy went down at work, I dealt with it.  I didn't just accept these things.  I actually believed I deserve better.  Wow, I need to say that again.  I believed that I deserve better.

This is a big thing for me.  Really being able to see some of this in my actions.  And so, I am finding ways to move forward, to feel like the world is an ok place.

Curiousity

For so long the thought of the future has been horrible at worst or unsettling at best.  This week I feel curious about it.  Curious about what it will bring, what I will do etc...  It's such a treat to feel positive and not scared or anxious about what will come. My counsellor said at one point that not worrying about the future means trusting myself enough to know that I will handle whatever comes my way.  That sounds like a big thing, but the fact that I am feeling curious about what will happen must mean that one some level I am there, or getting there anyhow.  I like to take time to savour moments like these.  They happen more often now than they used to, but they still seem like such a treat to me.

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day and I thought a post about my mum would be appropriate.  For a long time I didn't really appreciate my mum.  In some ways I'm ashamed of it now, but in other ways I really can see that the depression had a lot to do with it. I wanted my mum to be someone she is not. Well, really I generally wanted other people to relate to me in ways that didn't really match who they were.

I wanted someone to rescue me from all of the stuff going on inside my head.  And who better to expect to do that than my mum?

Since I've been on this latest journey, I've really come to appreciate my mum.  I no longer want her to rescue me.  What I do want is to really know her for who she is.  And, as I so much more able to share who I am, I find that we really are getting to know each other better.

My mum is an amazing person.  She finds happiness in all sorts of small things.  She has amazing abilities to celebrate the silly, and to be serious when needed.  She has been such a support for me, in a way that still amazes me.  I know that I will never feel like I can thank her enough.  I also know that she is my mum and doesn't feel the need to be thanked.

In conclusion, I love you mum.

Fitting In

Ironically, this week is Mental Health Week and my mental health has decided to take a bit of a break.  I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of writing trying to figure out what is going on.  Lots it turns out, but this is a blog, not a novel so I'll keep it to one topic.

There are a lot of people around me right now that are highly stressed and this is really showing up in their interactions with me.  I am struggling with it.  I have always been very attuned to the energy around me and it really has an effect on me.  Or, at least that is what I have always thought.  Turns out it works in the reverse.

I remember never really feeling like I fit in anywhere and so desperately wanting that, for a long long time.  I realize now that I got to be very good at picking up on the energy around me so that I could mimic it and fit in.  It didn't matter how I actually felt or what my own energy was.  I wanted to be part of the group.  If the group energy was negative, I adopted that, it if was cynical, I adopted that, etc...  Eventually I had no clue about me anymore.  I was a chameleon and would adapt to whatever was going on, even if that meant twisting myself like a pretzel.  I was willing to do whatever I needed to to make a situation work.

It never occurred to me that maybe the problem wasn't me, but it was the situation.  I've learned this now.  If I am really being myself and a situation isn't working then I need to look at the situation and decide what to do.  The thing I find challenging is dealing with the energy around me when it is now how I feel.  All the stressed people are exuding negative energy.  The thing is, I don't feel that way and this time I don't want to take on that persona.  But, this is really hard for me.  I'm not used to being aware of my own feelings and energy and I'm not used to trying to maintain it now matter the people around me.  Some of them I can avoid, but others are co-workers and I need to work with them.

I guess we are always learning new skills and for me there are a lot of things I haven't learned.  It's ok to be in tune with the energy around me.  In a lot of ways this allows me to have compassion for people.  What I need to learn is where to draw the line and not participate in it.

Feeling Sad

Today I am having a hard day.  I'm tired and I feel like I haven't really been paying enough attention to my emotions and how I feel.  They eventually take over when I let things go for too long.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am and what I value.  It led me back to a little over 4 years ago.  My job was awful, my anxiety levels were through the roof, I was hardly sleeping, I was so isolated from everyone, I really was in survival mode all the time.  How to get through the day without yelling or crying inappropriately?  How to survive until I could at least go home and be alone?

One day, I was on the way to work and was pretty much at the end of my rope.  I was standing at a street corner and saw a semi coming down the road.  I thought, "I could just step in front of that truck and then I wouldn't have to go to work today.  I wouldn't have to deal anymore."  My next thought was "Oh shit" and the next was " that would kill my mother."  So, I didn't do it.  I sucked it up and went to work anyhow.

When I look back on that moment now, it makes me so sad.  I was so messed up.  I valued myself so little that even at that moment I just kept going.  I had no concept that instead of going to work, I should have gone to the hospital (which wasn't too far away).  I didn't know how to ask for help.  In fact, the thought never even crossed my mind.  It makes sad to think that whoever I  really am was so far gone that all I knew was survival.

Back to today.  I've learned that it's ok to ask for help.  It's ok to say that I have bad days.  It's ok to show that I can't always cope.  It's ok to let other people be strong for me when I can't.  I'm grateful for these learnings.

But, who am I?  That's a different story altogether.  I often find myself thinking about how I am act and comparing it to "then".  It's different, which is good.  But, is it really me?  What is me anyhow?  The person that was so buried by so much stuff is pretty much unburied now, but still pretty flattened out.  I'm not really sure what shape I am.  Or how that looks.  Often I find it hard to live with this ambiguity about myself.  I try hard to remember that I probably had the depression for over 20 years.  A year and a half of healing is a good start, but it makes sense that it would take longer to sort some things out.  But, on days like today, I am impatient.

Fun and silliness

Recently I sent a package of silly things to a friend who is having a hard time.  Making it was really fun and tapped into a part of my brain that has been quiet for a long time.  It reminded me of my university days.  There were four of us that had been friends when we were in high school.  Once we were all in different places we would send each other newsletters.  These were full of inside jokes that most people would think were not funny.  (A lot of them came to be early in the morning when we had been up all night).  We thought they were funny though.  I really used to look forward to getting the newsletters in the mail and also to making them up to send off.

This got to me thinking about my adult life.  When did that sense of fun and silliness disappear?  When did I decide (is that even the right word) that I needed to be grown up and serious?  Or did the depression just get so bad that I was no longer able to find that side of my self?  When did fun get replaced with something else?  Someone else?  Someone I am not?  When did the mask become all that there was?

I remember being at grad school when we were supposed to be serious business students who would be able to function in the "real" world.  We were certainly encouraged to be a certain way.  It didn't really feel right then, but depression was really starting to take over at the time.  Then I went to work in my first business-type job.  Again, no room for people who didn't fit a certain mold.  I remember feeling like the person I was at work was not me at all.  But, by the point it no longer mattered.  The depression was so bad, there was no way I had any way to handle the situation other than to just try to survive everyday (which I barely did).

The thing is that that kind of fun is life giving for me.  I makes me feel good about things.  It's creative as well and uses a side of me that doesn't come out very often, and yet it's a vital side of who I am.  I am not an artist or a musician or a sculptor etc...  But I do like to create fun.  I often find that I have a twisted sense of humour and find a lot of things funny that others don't.  This is a side of me that has been buried for so long it's taking a lot of work to discover it and find ways to express it.

This journey of learning to live with depression is tough a lot of days.  Finding those sides of me that feed my soul is worth the effort though.

Cross Road

I was talking to a friend tonight and she was saying that she feels like she doesn't have perspective or is out of focus.  I got to thinking about this for my life.  Her reasons are different than mine, but the sentiment I can understand.  Lately, I've been feeling like I am at a cross-road and don't really know which way to go.  I was, for so long, depressed and in survival mode.  I wasn't able to think about anything past the end of my nose.  I didn't dream or even think about what I wanted in life.

For the past year and a bit, I've spent a lot of time healing and dealing with so many things.  My goal really was to find a way to live, not depressed, and not repeating the habits of what got me there.  I've certainly come a long way on that.

So, what's next?  What do I want out of life?  I don't remember ever really dreaming about what I wanted.  It's hard to figure out how to start.  Often it feels to me like something is missing, but I am really not sure what that is, or how to go about figuring out what it is.  I feel a bit stuck in this place and not sure what to do about it.

Energy and Anxiety

I was thinking today while I was walking home how easy it used to seem to go and do things.  I always seemed to have lots of energy. The thing is that anxiety and the need to hide who you are no matter what, provide a lot of energy.  But it's a little bit manic in the way it pushes you forward all the time.  Eventually I crashed and burned because this is not a sustainable way to live.

So now what?  Where do I find my energy now?  What drives me?  What makes me go and do?  I'm still working on these things as I'm not really sure.  All the process of getting to know myself and what makes me tick.  I often feel tired these days, but sometimes it feels a lot like I just don't know where to look to get the energy or to find things that energize me.  Exercise, eating right and sleeping are all good starts, but they don't provide the drive to do things.  Still looking for what provides that for me.

Complacency

Shortly after I started my medications, I read an interview with someone who said that for her to live a productive life there was no room for complacency in it.  I didn't really understand at the time, but I am slowly starting to.

I know that exercise and nutrition are two ways to keep myself feeling ok, and yet I have let both slide of late.  It's so easy to convince myself I'm too tired to do anything, when in reality I am tired because I am not doing anything.  It's a vicious circle really and a hard one to stop.  I'm working on it again.  I'm working hard at a minimum of 20 minutes of exercise everyday.  Hopefully I can achieve that.  I'm pretty sure it will make me feel less tired and more able to handle things.

Wish me luck and perseverance.

Getting more comfortable in my skin

I was talking to a co-worker today and the fact that I have been dealing with depression came out.  It was not big deal for me.  I was shocked.  I just said it, without even really thinking about it.  It was relevant to whatever it was that we were talking about and so I said it.

I like that telling her was no big deal.  I wasn't worried about what she would say or what the fall out would be.  It's a fact of life for me right now and I am becoming more ok with that.

It's not the only thing.  As I have been spending time over the last nearly 1.5 year getting to know myself, I have also come to accept a lot of things about me.  A lot of things that I thought were terrible and things you just didn't show before.  Never show weakness, never give anyone a chance to find something to criticize. Be perfect all the time... ahhhhh....  As I write this, I feel the tension and anxiety that I used to feel.  But I feel it in a "holy I had some troubles" kind of way.  Not in a judging way, but in a compassionate and grateful that things have changed kind of way.

Amazing really how dealing with the depression and working on some things can change perceptions.  I am still me, but in becoming more comfortable with so many parts of me, things are easier to manage, to handle.  Life is so much easier when I don't constantly feel like I have to watch what I am saying in case I show some side of me that could be considered weak.

Stories and emotions

Every time I read a story, or hear, about someone who is struggling it makes me cry.  I know the feelings all too well.  I know the fear, anger, frustration, pain, hurt, anxiety etc...  It takes me back there every time, every time. It is such a horrible place and I wish no one had to be in it. I want so much to reach out and make things better.  I want to know that people have hope.

Good enough

This post is inspired by an email conversation I have been having with a friend.

I've been thinking about why it is that some people are so susceptible to believing what other people say about them?  I know for so long, I took in every insult, every barb, every poke, and I believed them.  Where does that start?  I have no idea.  I must have been in elementary school, I think.  I don't really remember a time when those kinds of comments didn't have a profound impact on how I felt about myself.  We say that kids are cruel, but really I would say that people can be cruel.

The other thing I know is that thinking I am not good enough and depression are decidedly a vicious circle and they feed each other, making the whole situation worse.  Comments that might not bother someone without depression, were the end of the world for me and continued the downward spiral.  I also had no way to cope with this, which just made me feel worse about myself.  When I couldn't get along with people, I blamed myself wholly.  When someone said something negative about me, I blamed myself wholly.  Why, you might ask?  Lots of reasons, but depression was probably the biggest contributing factor.

And now?  Where am I with this?  I have learned a lot about me, and about other people lately.  I know that sometimes I make mistakes, or do things that hurt other people.  Usually not intentionally, but that doesn't matter in the end.  I've learned that often we try to make other people hurt because we are hurting.  I've learned that stating my own needs and wants, and taking up my space in the world are two things I can do to keep the comments down.  I've learned that I don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour towards me.  I can address it, or leave the situation, as long as I choose my reaction.  Just internalizing it, is not going to help me out.

Lots of ramblings.  It feels like there is no real conclusion here, so you'll just have to take it for what it is, thinking through things.

Lovely kids

I was at brunch at a friends place today and one of the lesbian couples there brought their kids (I think they are 3 and 5).  These kids spend about 1/2 their time with the lesbian couple and then the other 1/2 the time with their dad.  They are lovely kids.  It got me thinking about why people are so worried about children being raised by gay people.  Truthfully, I don't understand.  I can see that both of the ladies love these kids.  One is their biological mom, the other entered their lives a bit later.  The kids are pleasant and smart and curious and well kids.

I see so many kids out there that have such challenging home lives and the kids themselves are so challenging.  Yes, having lesbian moms is a challenge for kids in some ways.  To me, this challenge is so much smaller than so many other things kids face.  These kids are growing up in an environment that will certainly encourage them and provide them with love and support.  What more should we ask for?

Looking back, looking forward

I spent the last three hours reading my blog, from the very beginning to the most recent post.  I again experienced all of the highs and lows.  Right now I am crying.  It's been quite the journey, quite the year.  I have worked hard at being better.  I have worked hard at knowing myself.  I have worked hard at figuring out what I need.  I am amazed really at how much I have accomplished on this front.  I feel stronger.

Lately I have really been able to think about the future, what I want and need.  I haven't really come to any great conclusions.  I will keep trying.

Thank you all for reading my blog and supporting me.  This is not the end of the writing, on a post to reflect a bit.

My view of medications

Of late I have heard a lot of controversy about medications for anxiety and depression.  Lots of people seem to think they are over-prescribed, not useful, or people shouldn't take them.  There seems to be a lot of opinions of what constitutes depression/anxiety as a disorder and what is just a natural part of life.  I am not a doctor, nor an expert so I will stick to my own experience.

I take anti-depressant medication.  It also has a calming effect generally and helps with anxiety.  Deciding to take medication was one of the most grueling decisions of my life.  I was completely against the idea for a long long time.  In hindsight, it is the best thing I have ever done.

Before I started on the medication I knew things weren't right with me.  I was getting counseling and nothing was getting better.  I felt like there was always some blockage that I just couldn't seem to get past.  On some level I understood the things I needed to change, but I absolutely was not able to do it.  I finally decided that medications were worth a try when I started to wonder about suicide again.  I knew at that point I needed some other kind of help than I was getting.  I didn't want to go down the path of being so desperate that I wanted to kill myself, again.

So I started on the medication.  It took some time, but eventually I could see solutions to problems.  I felt able to cope with life in general and a lot of the hard emotional work I have done.  I felt alive, instead of numb.  For me the medications have been a life saver, possibly quite literally.  At some point I will try to stop taking them and see what happens.  If it doesn't work and I start to feel depressed again, I will continue to take them.

I am sure there are challenges, and quite possibly the medications are over-prescribed.  But, and for me this is a big but, for some of us they help, a lot.

Taking back my power

I went to see a different counsellor this week to explore the possibility of group therapy (at the suggestion of my regular counsellor).  Something she said really struck a chord with me.  She said there are things that can never be accomplished in individual counselling because of the power differential in the relationship.  Her insinuation was that the counsellor had all the power and the client didn't have any.  This actually made me angry with her.

It also made me think a lot.  Before I was ready to get something out of counselling, I was all the power because I would stonewall the counsellor.  Not a great way to get  better, but a good way to retain control.  When I was ready to really be honest and work at change it felt like the counsellor had a lot of power.  I was so confused and scared and down that I wasn't able to really take charge of my life and my healing.  I needed someone to help, to give me ideas and things to do.  In the end though, it was me that chose to do them.

Now, I feel like I have finally taken back the power over my life.  I finally understand that I get to choose what I do and don't do.  Just because a counsellor suggests group therapy doesn't mean I have to do it (which is likely going to be the outcome).  Just because someone else gives me ideas of things to do, doesn't mean they are right.  This new counsellor has no power at all as it turns out.  I have the power.  I get to choose.

There are days when I forget this, but it was so very nice to really see it in a situation where I have a big decision to make.

Ode to Depression

I still think about you more than I would like
But you are losing your grip on my life
You were seductive for many years
Without me even knowing who you were
Or what you were doing to me
And yet I gave in to your charms

I am stronger now
I know who you are
I know what you do
The scars will always remain and I will never be quite the same
But those will also fade until they are barely noticeable
Some days your seducing will get the better of me
I will not let you win though

I am stronger now
I am aware of you
I will find a way to be me
I will find a way to live with you there
I will use my strength to live a different kind of life

Owning my story

I was out with some friends for dinner last night, that I haven't seen in awhile.  The conversation came around to a point where I ended up telling one of them (as he didn't know) that I am gay.  I was amazed at how nervous that made me.  It's funny in a way.  I feel like I am totally ok with it, and really I wasn't worried about him knowing, but I heard my voice get higher and faster and I started blushing.  Practice I guess, or lack thereof anyhow.

It did however get me thinking about my story and where I am in it right now.  There are times when I need to tell my story, or parts of it.  For me, it comes down to owning my story.  I can't change any of the past and there is no point worrying about it.  It's my story and I have every right to tell it and to not be embarrassed or worried or nervous about it.  I suspect I'll get there, but it is, for now, another part of the journey.

Knowing yourself

Courage, inspiration, knowing yourself, coming out.  All topics that have been on my mind the last few days.  I attended the Coming Out Monologues for two nights last week.  They were amazing.  So many people willing to stand up in front of 250 people and tell their stories.  Some were rather painful stories, and yet all managed to infuse humour and hope into their performances.

It got me thinking about my story and the words that came to mind were silent and invisible.  I was working so hard at hiding myself, not letting anyone see what was going on with me (including me) that my voice really was silenced and I really was invisible.  So often I felt like I could have just walked away from my life with no forwarding address and no one would have noticed, or cared.  The real me, the me underneath it all had been silent for so long, it was like she didn't exist at all.  I was sure that life sucked and there was nothing different out there.

So, how do these words apply now?  When I crashed with depression, I started telling people, at least parts of the story.  Starting to write this blog (nearly a year ago, wow) was another step in finding an outlet to be heard.  I needed to break the silence.  I found a way to express what I was feeling and experiencing.  In a lot of ways I still felt invisible though.

Slowly I am finding ways to be visible.  Asking for my needs to be considered and met.  Heck, knowing what my needs are.  Not settling for any old situation, but thinking about where I am and what I am doing.  Taking up my space in world.

The ravages of depression

Depression takes its toll.  I learned so many ways of dealing with the world that were totally affected by the fact that I have this illness, and it was completely unmanaged.  My self-esteem was non-existent and so I behaved in certain ways that reflected this.  I also was totally unable to solve problems, so again I found ways to behave that would avoid problems as much as possible.  There are others...

Now, I am finding that these coping mechanisms or behaviours are no longer working for me.  It's so often hard to remember that feeling better is not the only thing I need to do.  I also need to find ways to see the habits that I have that were so much because of the depression and to realize that I can do things differently.  And then, the harder part, figuring out what differently looks like.  Sometimes I feel like a teenager who is just figuring out the world.  I feel unsure and unsettled.  And yet, I know more than I did as I teenager, so it is trying to incorporate that experience in as well.

It's a journey.  It's being gentle with myself and know that I have come a long way down the road and this too is part of the journey.

My journey now

So I just wrote a post about what depression feels like.  What is my life like now?

Now I choose everyday to live.  Often this means choosing pain because that is better than being numb.  It means finding hope somewhere, especially on those days when it feels like you are sliding back into it.  It's finding hope somewhere to know that one bad day or one bad moment doesn't mean that the depression is bad. It means everyday remembering that there are people out there that love me and who I love.  Some days it means moving forward when there is nothing else.   Trusting that there is something different around the next bend.

Some days I lose perspective.  I forget about all the good work I have done to get to this point and let myself be overwhelmed by some of the things I am still facing.  It means then finding a way back, back to a place where I can see the truth, where I can trust my instincts and not let my emotions carry me away.

There are sometimes days when I wonder if all the effort is worth it, and I wonder how much more it is going to take to feel like I am in a good place all the time.  And then, something beautiful will happen and bring me back.  These moments are the hope I need to carry on, especially on the hard days.

This is a journey for me.  Will it ever be over?  Who knows?  I'd like it to be.  On the flip side I have to remember that I've really been on the healing journey for 14 months or so.  That probably isn't enough to heal  who knows how many years of depression.  While I do feel better, most of the time, living with the depression certainly influenced the ways I saw and dealt with the world.  It takes time to untangle all of these things and see how they affect what I do today.