A tiny bit of relief

You never know what will work and what won't when dealing with depression. Things have been pretty rough for a few weeks now. Some people call it a dip. I guess you could call it that as it is not as bad as before I started treatment. But it feels like a pretty low dip to be sure.

I've been struggling to figure out what I can change to give myself a shot at feeling better. Things don't usually get better until they get different.

Here is a picture of one of the things that has brought a small bit of relief. Doing puzzles is something I have always liked, thanks to my mum. But I haven't done a lot of them of late. I borrowed a puzzle from my mum and didn't do it. It was a picture that she like, but isn't very inspiring to me. So, try something new. I bought a few puzzles, ones that inspire me.

And so, it helps a bit. Doing puzzles gets me away from the computer, makes me use a different part of my brain and relaxes me, helping me sleep.

Things are still rough, but at least I have found one thing that shines a crack of light through the darkness.

How things really are

I have been struggling a lot in the last while. I feel down, overwhelmed, and unable to cope. I also was having a really hard time admitting that I need help, again.

I am exhausted by it all. I feel worn down. I just want a rest from it. If I read those three sentences from someine else, I would probably think they are struggling with depression and might benefit from some help. Why then is it so hard for me to see it when it is me?

I did take some constructive steps. I went to my doctor. I took a week off work to get some rest (although I have been so sick with a cold that I would have been off anyhow). I went to a new counsellor. Hopefully these things will help. Hopefully I can find that spark again. Hopefully the darkness will lift.

I will admit that at the moment I am not feeling optimistic, but that could also be because I feel so lousy.

How can you help? Check in with me, that is the biggest thing. Ask me how I am, but only if you want the true answer. When I feel like this, that is what I need. Places to be honest. I have a tendency to isolate when I feel lousy. Help me to not do this.

Feeling awful

Feeling awful
Struggling so hard
Nothing is making it better
So hard to admit I need help again
Where to start
So overwhelming

Don't want to reach out for help again
Want someone to notice
To ask me how I am and want to hear the answer
To be strong and brave for me
Want to take off the brave face for awhile and be weak

So exhausted
Worn down by it all
Beaten down by it all
Tired
Need to rest

How to start again, again
What to do
Where to turn
Darkness and fog all around
No directions apparent
Someone throw me a line

Head spinning in circles
Going nowhere
Only around and around
And down