Fitting In

Ironically, this week is Mental Health Week and my mental health has decided to take a bit of a break.  I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of writing trying to figure out what is going on.  Lots it turns out, but this is a blog, not a novel so I'll keep it to one topic.

There are a lot of people around me right now that are highly stressed and this is really showing up in their interactions with me.  I am struggling with it.  I have always been very attuned to the energy around me and it really has an effect on me.  Or, at least that is what I have always thought.  Turns out it works in the reverse.

I remember never really feeling like I fit in anywhere and so desperately wanting that, for a long long time.  I realize now that I got to be very good at picking up on the energy around me so that I could mimic it and fit in.  It didn't matter how I actually felt or what my own energy was.  I wanted to be part of the group.  If the group energy was negative, I adopted that, it if was cynical, I adopted that, etc...  Eventually I had no clue about me anymore.  I was a chameleon and would adapt to whatever was going on, even if that meant twisting myself like a pretzel.  I was willing to do whatever I needed to to make a situation work.

It never occurred to me that maybe the problem wasn't me, but it was the situation.  I've learned this now.  If I am really being myself and a situation isn't working then I need to look at the situation and decide what to do.  The thing I find challenging is dealing with the energy around me when it is now how I feel.  All the stressed people are exuding negative energy.  The thing is, I don't feel that way and this time I don't want to take on that persona.  But, this is really hard for me.  I'm not used to being aware of my own feelings and energy and I'm not used to trying to maintain it now matter the people around me.  Some of them I can avoid, but others are co-workers and I need to work with them.

I guess we are always learning new skills and for me there are a lot of things I haven't learned.  It's ok to be in tune with the energy around me.  In a lot of ways this allows me to have compassion for people.  What I need to learn is where to draw the line and not participate in it.