The Hard Stuff

I've been thinking a lot tonight about the hard stuff in life.  We all have things in our lives that are hard.  So often it seems to me that other people take all this stuff in stride and I can't.  I so often find myself overwhelmed at things that, at least from the outside, seem like no big deal to the people around me.  For so long I pretended that I was fine, that I wasn't affected, like things were no big deal.

I know now that for me there are a lot of things that are a big deal.  A lot of things that are just hard for me.  Maybe they are hard for other people too, but they manage to put on a brave face.  Or maybe they really aren't affected.  Either way, I need to experience my life the way I experience it.

I am sensitive to things that go on in the world.  The cruelty that is in the news all the time is pretty hard for me to handle, so I ignore a lot of it.  Not because I don't care, but because I care so much it almost takes me in. I do have bouts of loneliness, depression, sadness.  I do take on other peoples emotions more than other people seem to. It's all a part of being me.  The truth is that coming to terms with this makes things easier.  I am finding ways to experience my life, instead of judging myself for reactions that seem to be out of line with other peoples.

What I can see is that the judgement on my reactions was me being mean to myself. I would chastise myself for feeling a certain way because I thought I shouldn't feel that way.  But I did anyhow, I do anyhow. By letting go of the judgement I am able to be more me, more connected to my emotions.  I am starting to see some of the things I mentioned above as strengths instead of weaknesses.

I am compassion, I have empathy.  I am sensitive to peoples energy and I'm learning to be sensitive to my own.

The end and the beginning

Group therapy ended this week.  The facilitator retired from running therapy groups.  The last night was actually more of a relief than anything.  There has been so much talk about this end and so much made of the end that in a lot of ways it was nice to actually say good-bye.

On one hand, something in me feels like I should be sad or something.  But, I'm not.  I'm a bit anxious, but I'll get to that in a minute.  It's over and I'm ok with that.  When the facilitator announced in August she was ending the group I was wondering how on earth we were going to say good-bye for a few months.  She said though that she thought it was important to really deconstruct the good-bye and how we handle endings.  We've talked a lot about this ending in the last few months.  She also said that in order to move on, it's important to have a clean good-bye, with nothing really lingering and was hoping this could happen with the group.  I think that maybe that's why I'm not feeling sad about it.  I've had a lot of time to process what it means and how I felt about it.  I had lots of time to tell the other people what it was I needed to say to them.  It doesn't feel like there is anything important that is lingering.  I doubted her strategy at the beginning, but now I can see the value in it. I hope I can keep that learning in mind the next time there is some kind of ending in my life.

I am a bit anxious though, but for other reasons.  I have been in some kind of psychological treatment for the better part of the last 7 years, and now I am not.  At all.  This feels like an important step in my recovery from depression.  I'm sure the medications are doing a lot to keep me level, but finding ways to live without the safety net of therapy feels important too. I at least have to try for a while and see.  I know where to find help if I need it and I will do so.  But for now, I want to be me, therapy free.

This feels like a new beginning for me.  I have spent the last 3 years working pretty intensively on learning to manage my mental illness.  Learning to make choices to help me to be healthy.  Learning a lot of ways to be connected to my emotions and to be real and authentic with myself and with others.  I see the fruits of all the hard work in so many aspects of my life.  And so, here begins a new step in my life.  I'm anxious and excited all at the same time.

Black Dog

There are many ways to describe depression out there. Some I find useful, some not so much.  Here is one way that really struck home with me, brought me to tears actually as it was so familiar.  Definitely worth the few minutes to watch the video.

http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it?g=2&c=upw1

Good-bye

Group tonight was interesting and challenging.  It started as per normal and then about 2/3 of the way through it one lady announces she can't make it next week, the last week before the group ends.  So then all of a sudden things take a complete 90 degree turn.  Understandably for sure, but I felt a bit hi-jacked by the fact that she waited that long to tell us.

So now my mind is going in all sorts of directions.  I know my tendency with good-byes is to pick a fight first so that I can walk away angry, instead of dealing with whatever emotions I actually have about it.  So, am I feeling annoyed by the timing of her announcement just so I can be angry and not sad that I am likely never going to see her again?  Maybe, but I feel sad also.

I'm also anxious about next week as I am not sure I have it in me to say good-bye for 1.5 hours.  To manage the emotion of that.  I expect it will waffle between sadness and frustration.

So, how exactly do I feel about group ending?  In some ways I am relieved.  Over 4 months of saying good-bye has been a lot.  In some ways good to get a better feel for how I normally end things, but also a lot.  Also, in the last while I  am really starting to feel like the value I am getting out of going is not enough to compensate for the money I am paying to be there.  Again, maybe a way of making things easier.

But, I also know that I was thinking of leaving in the coming spring sometime.  I have gained a lot from being there and I'm sure if it were continuing I would gain more, but it does seem to be that the amount I am gaining is slowing a lot.  Do I feel ready to brave the world without the safety net of therapy?  Maybe.  I am not overly anxious as I write this, and that is usually a sign for me that I am ok with things.  So it does seem like it is time to try on my own.  Well, not really on my own, but without the professional safety net.

I know in the last while I have been trying to harder to rely on the people in my life when I need to sort through things.  That will have to continue as I go forward.  I hope I will be ok.  I hope that I am able to ask for help when I need it.  I hope that the people around me will keep an eye on me.