I was at group tonight and got to talking about relationships. I have one recently ended and it was the same pattern as always, or so it seems. I end up with someone who wants to take as much out of the relationship as they can, but not really put anything into it. Or so it feels anyhow. This breakup was hard as it felt like all of the blame for what went wrong came my way. And that is unfair. I am not perfect, but it takes 2 to tango. And I feel like I was used.
I was trying at group though to look at the pattern and to see if I could come to any kind of clarity about that. Someone suggested that perhaps I was looking to be recognized for the things that I did. Looking to be noticed for that kind of stuff. That resonates with me. I guess I feel like I did a lot of accommodating and a lot of nurturing and when I asked for it back, I feel like I got shafted. This time, but other times also.
So, how do I keep ending up in this pattern? Interesting because I think the relationship started off ok. I was being me and advocating for my needs. Then, I got sucked in, again. I guess it comes to balance of wanting so much to care for other people, but also remembering that I deserve care too. Care from me and care from others as well. Not that I'm a tit for tat person, but I need to be fed in a relationship as well as giving energy. If it is one-way, I will end up here again. Hard to remember in the middle of it. I need to do some more thinking about this, but for now, here it is.
Some days I wonder if I will ever figure it out... Maybe.
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