Better and not

I have realized a couple of things in the last couple of days.  Firstly I am so much better, secondly I am still fragile in some ways.

I provided "auntie day care" for my nephew again today.  He was having a bit of a rough day.  But, I was fine.  This was a big step for me.  When I first had him for the day in January, the thought of changing his diaper or making sure he ate, sent me into a panic.  I was sweating most of the day and worried about the fact that he had some food in his hair.  Basically, very anxious.

Today, nothing of the sort.  Some of that comes with experience, but some of it also comes with being better.  I realize that I don't have to be the perfect care taker.  I need to see that he eats and naps and has his diaper changed and I need to love and pay attention to him.  The rest is totally secondary.  If changing his diaper is a bit of an ordeal, well so be it.  If he makes a big mess of himself when he eats, at least he is eating.  Basically, I let myself off the hook.  I do the best that I can, and that is good enough.  It was such a treat to know that I can handle a bit of a tough day without a panic attack or major anxiety.  And in the end, we had some tough moments, but we also had some awesome moments.  So, it was a good day.

Someone I know is really really struggling with her mental health at this moment.  I really want to be there for her and thought I could.  I thought I could be that person who goes to see her often and listens and talks.  But, I can't.  I've spent the last nearly year and a half focussing on my own mental health.  I am feeling somewhat ready to be really back in the world.  But, I've realized that there are some things I am not ready for, and may never be.  I can support her a bit.  I can talk to her sometimes, I can tell her my story and listen to hers.  But, I also really need to be sure that I take time to ensure that I don't overwhelm myself in my desire to be helpful.  I need to remember that my own mental health needs to take priority or I won't be any use to anyone, especially me.  Just recognizing this shows me that in a lot of ways I am better.  I just need to be careful how much I tackle at once.