Stigma and strength

Recently someone was being very critical of my journey the last few years.  Essentially they were saying that I ended up with depression because I am weak, that there is something wrong with me, that I am useless.  Nice hey?  On the upside it really made me think about some things and that has been useful.

I started to wonder if I do believe some of the stigma out there about depression?  Do I believe it is a weakness or do I believe it is an illness?  Before I really started thinking about it, I would have said an illness, but I found something inside me that still believed some of the myths about depression.  This part of me associates depression and shame.  I didn't even know it was there truth be told.

Now it's out in the open and I can deal with it.  That seems better.   Shame is one of those things that grows better in the dark.

I've been thinking a lot about what I have faced and the work I have done in the last nearly 3 years.  And I can see how far I've come.  I can see how much strength and courage it took to face some things head on.  I've dealt with some really hard things and come out the other side.  I am not depressed anymore.  This is helped by the anti-depressants for sure.  I've also come to terms with so many hurts in my life.  It's all been really tough.  The thing is, I am stronger now.  I have tools now. I am not perfect and certainly I am finding old habits die hard.  But, I notice myself in those habits now and can recognize them for what they are.

The person who was criticizing me is wrong.  Depression for me is about weakness, it's about strength.  It's about having to make some difficult decisions when I was least equipped to do so.  It's about facing a lot of the hurt and hard things in my life.  It is about finding the strength I have to persevere.  I am proud of where I am now.  Sure, I'm still working on some things, but I doubt that will ever change.

Saying Good-bye

Tonight at group the facilitator announced that she will be closing the group at Christmas time.  Ever since then I have been trying to figure out how I feel about it.  Sad, kind of.  Relieved also.  Scared, anxious and nervous - yep.

Sad because it will be weird to be out of the lives of the people I see every week right now.  Scared, anxious and nervous... this is one of the ways I currently use to work through things. It is one of the tools in my tool kit.  It would be one thing if I had decided that I was ready to leave.  But, the decision is being made for me.

Relieved.  The thought has crossed my mind a couple of times to think about how I would know when it is time to leave the group.  A few times of late when I have been there I have left feeling that there is so much emphasis on the bad things in life there.  It's not that they don't happen, it's just that sometimes it feels like I am looking for something bad so that I have something to talk about.  We talk a lot about emotions like anxiety, anger, sadness... but never really about joy, happiness.  It's not bad, but I have been finding myself frustrated by it in some ways.  I want to experience all that life has to offer, not just the tough stuff.  But, the truth is I am not sure I will feel ready by December.

And so, I guess for me it is a mixed reaction.

A cool experience

A couple of days ago I was wandering around a funky area of my city with my mum, near where she grew up.  We went into a furniture store.  As we went into the basement, my mum started talking about having her wedding reception there.  We were in the old Oddfellows and Rebekahs hall.  Then she kept going, which was so cool.  They couldn't have alcohol in the downstairs so the dance was in the basement and the drinking was upstairs.  Turns out my granddad helped build the hall.  The old wood floor is still there in the upstairs part.  She talked about going there as a child to see Santa.  I also remember going there as a child to see Santa.

My grandma was a Rebekah and my mum was one too.  I've heard a number of stories about them, but the ones this week were new to me.

It was super awesome to hear my mum tell her stories and see her remembering some of the good times of her life.  Those are the kinds of moments I cherish.  They are spontaneous for sure.  It's neat to hear about my mum's life and learn some history of my city.  Thanks mum.

Anxiety

Lately I can feel myself obsessing over things.  Thinking too much.  Not being in the moment.  I know this pattern well.  It's a clear sign that things are off for me.  But, this time I am starting to wonder if it is much habit as depression?  I know that my meds are starting to work again, but I am not back to where I was.  So, some of it certainly could be depression and anxiety as part of the illness.  But, I also know that I am prone to obsessing and thinking too much.

It leads me to feel out of control and insecure, or maybe those things lead me to a lot of anxiety.  Kind of a chicken and egg thing.  Unfortunately it is also a vicious circle thing.  The worse I feel, the more I try to control things, the more I obsess about things.  The more I do this, the worse I feel about myself.

And so, where to go from here?  I'm not sure.  I hope that recognizing this pattern will help me find a way through. Not knowing is hard for me... out of control.  I know that this is something I am going to have to come to terms with, so I guess I shall start now.