5 years ago today I took my first anti-depressant. That day I went to my doctor and asked him to help me. He gave me the medication and put me off work on sick leave for a month. That days was brutal. I was in no shape to be making big decisions like taking meds, frankly I was in no shape to be asking for help either. Somewhere inside I knew that I needed to though.
The weeks, more like months, leading up to that day were awful. I was descending further into the black hole daily. I was trying a lot of things to make it better but nothing worked. And I was certainly at a point where I was no longer able to hide that there was something wrong. Depression is awful. When the idea of taking my own life started to be appealing (not the first time in my life) I knew something had to change. I went to the psychologist I was seeing at the time in a desparate state.
She did something that was awful at the time and so helpful. She looked at me straight and said, " you have depression and you should see your doctor about medication because it is obvious that just therapy isn't working". Hard to hear and harder to act on. I did it though.
That black hole is a place that I never want to return to, and that I live in fear of. The memory of it is what drives me to continue to see a therapist, to see my doctor 4 times a year to make sure the meds are still working, to continue to find ways to live better with seems to be a chronic condition, and to talk about my experiences. All of these things help me, and I hope that by talking it will help others.
The last 5 years have been a pretty wild ride. Much of it has been really hard. Dealing with some of the causes is an ongoing and tough process. Living near the top of or out of the black hole, depending on the day, makes it all worth it. In this place there is joy, there is happiness, there is sadness, there is grief and all sorts of other emotions. The biggest thing there are here are love and light. Two things that are essential for me to feel alive and the 2 things that I was deprived of in the dark hole.
And so the journey continues....
Wednesday 23 December 2015
Friday 18 December 2015
Stress, or the lack therefore
I was talking to someone at work the other day. She is at a fairly high level in the organization, and currently she is working on a special project. She said that sometimes she feels guilty because her job is so much less stressful than a number of other people who are at the same level. Then she said that she guessed the same could be said for me and my job (as I am one level lower than she is, and and working on a special project).
It got me thinking about where the assumption comes that we feel we are overpaid if our jobs are not stressful? I think this is a difficult notion, especially in relation to mental health. Then, I got to thinking about my job and if my colleague is correct? I've concluded that in my case she is not. There are really three types of circumstances that cause me a lot of stress, unreasonable time pressure, unclear expectations, and interpersonal interactions that trigger PTSD for me. Currently, none of those circumstances are present. Should they be for me to be paid at the level I am? I don't think so. For the work I am doing currently, being well thought through and accurate is more important than getting it done in a hurry, and the expectations of what I am supposed to be doing are clear. As for the PTSD, well I never quite know when that will flare, but that is less about the work environment and more about me anyhow.
I have been in my current job for just over a year now. When my doctor took my blood pressure 2 weeks ago, it was lower than it has been in a long time. And the lack of feeling a lot of stress at work has made me more productive, not less. I make a lot fewer errors, and the quality of the work I produce is certainly better than it is when I feel a lot of stress. All the things the experts say are playing out in my world.
And, as an added bonus, I feel like I have energy to deal with more of the things in my life that cause the PTSD. This is not a fun process, and it requires a lot of emotional energy. In the end, it does make me better able to deal with the situations that can trigger it.
I wonder if there is anything I can do about the automatic assumption that so many people make that work has to be stressful all the time?
It got me thinking about where the assumption comes that we feel we are overpaid if our jobs are not stressful? I think this is a difficult notion, especially in relation to mental health. Then, I got to thinking about my job and if my colleague is correct? I've concluded that in my case she is not. There are really three types of circumstances that cause me a lot of stress, unreasonable time pressure, unclear expectations, and interpersonal interactions that trigger PTSD for me. Currently, none of those circumstances are present. Should they be for me to be paid at the level I am? I don't think so. For the work I am doing currently, being well thought through and accurate is more important than getting it done in a hurry, and the expectations of what I am supposed to be doing are clear. As for the PTSD, well I never quite know when that will flare, but that is less about the work environment and more about me anyhow.
I have been in my current job for just over a year now. When my doctor took my blood pressure 2 weeks ago, it was lower than it has been in a long time. And the lack of feeling a lot of stress at work has made me more productive, not less. I make a lot fewer errors, and the quality of the work I produce is certainly better than it is when I feel a lot of stress. All the things the experts say are playing out in my world.
And, as an added bonus, I feel like I have energy to deal with more of the things in my life that cause the PTSD. This is not a fun process, and it requires a lot of emotional energy. In the end, it does make me better able to deal with the situations that can trigger it.
I wonder if there is anything I can do about the automatic assumption that so many people make that work has to be stressful all the time?
Saturday 21 November 2015
Self-harm and speaking about it
A colleague said something to me a couple of months ago. I brushed it off then as nothing, but it really made me think. There were a few of us in the kitchen, and one lady was giving me a hard time about being a klutz. Another one was kinder saying she was familiar with a number of injuries since I started at my current workplace.
Another woman was there and said for awhile she thought it was self-harm, only she knew it wasn't because there were witnesses to the accidents that caused the injuries. I laughed it off with everyone at the time.
However, it wasn't as innocent as accidents, at least not for probably the first 3 years I worked at this place. I wasn't actively harming myself, but I wasn't doing anything to stay out of the way of harm when it came my way. I also was so deep in the hole of depression that I didn't care if I got hurt, and I was having such a hard time believing that I had any value that I was careless with my safety.
In my experience these thoughts left unchecked lead to fantasies of injury, then lead to the thought of taking me own life being appealing. The accidents and associated thoughts were a precursor that time as well. (The thought of taking me life has been there a number of times for me). Thankfully this time the end result was me saying to the psychologist I was seeing that something needed to change and that I couldn't live like that anymore. Then the journey I have been on for the last 5 years began.
And so dear colleague, friends and readers, I ask you to trust your intuition about things. My colleague was right, although my way of harming myself was much more subtle. Talk to people about mental health, mental illness, self-harm, suicide prevention etc...
These days injuries are accidents. I play dodgeball which comes with its risks. And well accidents do happen. I care enough about myself now to be more careful, and to pay more attention.
Another woman was there and said for awhile she thought it was self-harm, only she knew it wasn't because there were witnesses to the accidents that caused the injuries. I laughed it off with everyone at the time.
However, it wasn't as innocent as accidents, at least not for probably the first 3 years I worked at this place. I wasn't actively harming myself, but I wasn't doing anything to stay out of the way of harm when it came my way. I also was so deep in the hole of depression that I didn't care if I got hurt, and I was having such a hard time believing that I had any value that I was careless with my safety.
In my experience these thoughts left unchecked lead to fantasies of injury, then lead to the thought of taking me own life being appealing. The accidents and associated thoughts were a precursor that time as well. (The thought of taking me life has been there a number of times for me). Thankfully this time the end result was me saying to the psychologist I was seeing that something needed to change and that I couldn't live like that anymore. Then the journey I have been on for the last 5 years began.
And so dear colleague, friends and readers, I ask you to trust your intuition about things. My colleague was right, although my way of harming myself was much more subtle. Talk to people about mental health, mental illness, self-harm, suicide prevention etc...
These days injuries are accidents. I play dodgeball which comes with its risks. And well accidents do happen. I care enough about myself now to be more careful, and to pay more attention.
Monday 9 November 2015
Saying It
I am having a hard time, and have been for about 3 months now. There, I said it, out loud for other people to know. That's a big step based on how things have been going lately.
I can feel the darkness around me, hanging over my head, surrounding me. And I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to find a way through it. Scared of going to that dark dark place I have been before. Scared of the darkness.
Someone once said to me that when things are bad, they don't get better until they get different. So, here I am trying something different. Hoping that by letting others in they will bring some light with them.
I can feel the darkness around me, hanging over my head, surrounding me. And I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to find a way through it. Scared of going to that dark dark place I have been before. Scared of the darkness.
Someone once said to me that when things are bad, they don't get better until they get different. So, here I am trying something different. Hoping that by letting others in they will bring some light with them.
Tuesday 3 November 2015
Lucky
Recently a friend who also lives with depression thanked me for being braver than she is because I talk about it. This came in the context of her having to take a few days off to adjust to some new meds, and not feeling like she can tell her boss why she is taking the time off.
There are times when I feel brave in talking about living with mental illness, there are times when I feel lucky because I have been in circumstances where I was pretty sure sure it would be ok, and there are times when I am pretty sure how I present things helps in making it ok.
I have told 2 bosses about my challenges. Both have been really good about it. The first one I knew pretty well and I was pretty sure it would be ok. I then also got her to help me work part time and she was really good about it. In fact her only reaction when I asked was that she wasn't sure how to make it happen so she would have to get back to me on that.
The second boss I didn't know at all, so telling her was perhaps risky. The thing is I hate feeling like I have to make up illnesses when I need a day off for mental health reasons. I hate having to make up fake doctors when I am off to a counselling session. So, I told her.
The thing is, I don't really care what people think about this part of me. And maybe that is what makes it alright. I have accepted depression as part of my life. I, most of the time, don't buy into the stigma. I know, most of the time, that this is a chronic illness like any other and once in awhile I need to do something to keep it well managed. Coming from this angle made telling my boss not so scary because telling her was in the name of advocating for my needs, not apologizing for my absences.
So, am I brave? Am I lucky? Am I advocating for myself and in doing so caring for myself? All of the above I would say.
Friday 11 September 2015
Pathways
It's funny how my brain works sometimes. There is someone at work who I talk to once in awhile. I find that when I do have interactions with her I am always drawn in by her way of being, by the way she talks about things, by the interaction in general. Then afterward, and pretty much every time, I find myself having a hard time.
The way this person sees the world is so different from the way I do, and that is probably where the attraction and the hard time come from. I like to get to know people who see the world differently, to understand their viewpoints and perspectives. This is the attraction piece.
The hard time piece comes from the way she does see the world. She so often sees the world as the glass half empty. So often what she says is a worry about something that might happen. And this is where the hard time comes for me. After a conversation with her yesterday I came home and found myself fretting about all of the scenarios she had brought up (all of which I see as unlikely to ever happen), and wondering what on earth I would do if they happened.
I recognize this behaviour in me, it was so ingrained when I was in the thick of depression. It is also not how I interact with the world anymore. But, with this person I find myself going back there, every time. Funny how one person can open up all those pathways for me again and I can go back to being the way I was. Thankfully, I usually notice that I feel off fairly quickly and can talk myself out of it. I can remember that her way of being is hers and I can choose not to be that way anymore.
The challenge for me, I think is to figure how to manage this in the future. I will undoubtedly be in a position to talk to this person again. How do I avoid the attraction so that I can keep the conversations shorter and to the point I need to discuss with her? How do I remember to let her have her stuff and not worry about it? Things to think about.
The way this person sees the world is so different from the way I do, and that is probably where the attraction and the hard time come from. I like to get to know people who see the world differently, to understand their viewpoints and perspectives. This is the attraction piece.
The hard time piece comes from the way she does see the world. She so often sees the world as the glass half empty. So often what she says is a worry about something that might happen. And this is where the hard time comes for me. After a conversation with her yesterday I came home and found myself fretting about all of the scenarios she had brought up (all of which I see as unlikely to ever happen), and wondering what on earth I would do if they happened.
I recognize this behaviour in me, it was so ingrained when I was in the thick of depression. It is also not how I interact with the world anymore. But, with this person I find myself going back there, every time. Funny how one person can open up all those pathways for me again and I can go back to being the way I was. Thankfully, I usually notice that I feel off fairly quickly and can talk myself out of it. I can remember that her way of being is hers and I can choose not to be that way anymore.
The challenge for me, I think is to figure how to manage this in the future. I will undoubtedly be in a position to talk to this person again. How do I avoid the attraction so that I can keep the conversations shorter and to the point I need to discuss with her? How do I remember to let her have her stuff and not worry about it? Things to think about.
Wednesday 19 August 2015
The un-stigma
Psychotherapy is for the strong, the brave and the healthy. Talk about a powerful message. I was in to see my therapist this week and this is the message she was giving me. More than that though, the conversation came as a way of helping me articulate something that had been rattling around in my head.
For a long time now, probably ever since the day of my diagnosis of depression, I have had it in my head that I will only be ok once I stop taking medication and no longer go to therapy. Recently something shifted in me and I realized how not true this is.
I am pretty sure that depression is chronic for me. (I will be happy if this is ever proved wrong). And so, I need to continue to live with it, rather than suffer from it. Personally, I don't like or use the phrase "battling depression". For me, it feels like I am fighting myself, and the only way to be ok is to eradicate all signs of depression. I much prefer living with it. The same way people live with diabetes.
With this mindset, I really have started to piece together the things I need to live in a healthy way. So far, medication is a part of the picture. I will try again to stop taking it, at some point. Exercise, eating fruit and vegetables, and less processed sugar. Not over packing my life with activity, leaving room for down time. I am sure there are other things as this is a pretty new exercise for me. The final one though is psychotherapy.
I see a therapist about once a month. It does me a tonne of good. For the most part, things are going pretty well these days and so my sessions with her are different than they used to be. It is nice to have a place where I talk about things that are hard to talk about, and often I find a different way of thinking about things.
So why for the brave, strong and healthy? Let's say that therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It has been a place where I have faced a lot of difficult truths, about me and about others. It is a place where I have had awful panic attacks because of the areas of discussion. It is the place where I have relived some pretty awful trauma in order to make some sense of it. And it is the place where healing began and continues to this day. So that explains the strong and brave part.
The therapist I saw this week said that really, for the most part, the people she sees are the healthy people. The people who are interested in finding new ways of being. The people that are truly suffering are usually the ones that do not seek help and spin in circles. I was once one of those people. My life felt so out of control. Thoughts that now seem irrational, seemed totally reasonable, including feeling so stuck in a traumatic situation that the only way I could see to end the pain was to take me own life.
Then I got some help, some real help. From someone who saw past the facade and made me face some hard stuff. But also started me on a journey from mental illness to mental health.
For a long time now, probably ever since the day of my diagnosis of depression, I have had it in my head that I will only be ok once I stop taking medication and no longer go to therapy. Recently something shifted in me and I realized how not true this is.
I am pretty sure that depression is chronic for me. (I will be happy if this is ever proved wrong). And so, I need to continue to live with it, rather than suffer from it. Personally, I don't like or use the phrase "battling depression". For me, it feels like I am fighting myself, and the only way to be ok is to eradicate all signs of depression. I much prefer living with it. The same way people live with diabetes.
With this mindset, I really have started to piece together the things I need to live in a healthy way. So far, medication is a part of the picture. I will try again to stop taking it, at some point. Exercise, eating fruit and vegetables, and less processed sugar. Not over packing my life with activity, leaving room for down time. I am sure there are other things as this is a pretty new exercise for me. The final one though is psychotherapy.
I see a therapist about once a month. It does me a tonne of good. For the most part, things are going pretty well these days and so my sessions with her are different than they used to be. It is nice to have a place where I talk about things that are hard to talk about, and often I find a different way of thinking about things.
So why for the brave, strong and healthy? Let's say that therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It has been a place where I have faced a lot of difficult truths, about me and about others. It is a place where I have had awful panic attacks because of the areas of discussion. It is the place where I have relived some pretty awful trauma in order to make some sense of it. And it is the place where healing began and continues to this day. So that explains the strong and brave part.
The therapist I saw this week said that really, for the most part, the people she sees are the healthy people. The people who are interested in finding new ways of being. The people that are truly suffering are usually the ones that do not seek help and spin in circles. I was once one of those people. My life felt so out of control. Thoughts that now seem irrational, seemed totally reasonable, including feeling so stuck in a traumatic situation that the only way I could see to end the pain was to take me own life.
Then I got some help, some real help. From someone who saw past the facade and made me face some hard stuff. But also started me on a journey from mental illness to mental health.
Monday 6 July 2015
Trauma begets trauma
A colleague, not one I knew well, but one I have talked to on numerous occassions, was charged this past weekend with murdering his wife and hiding her body since last November. Pretty freaky really.
So, they say that one trauma is likely to open up other past trauma. Living with PTSD, I know well how this works. Today this happened to me. It is funny where the mind goes. For me, it was to my 1st year at university, living in residence. One of the guys in rez, from my floor, took his own life over Christmas vacation. The university did precious little after the fact. Well 10 months later they sent in grief counselors. And in the first week back from vacation they told us not to talk to the media.
Today the opposite happened. There was a counselor on sight all day and he held a number of group and individual sessions. I guess this is the part that triggered the old trauma.
I remember the feelings of confusion, disbelief and sadness when it happened. I also remember the feeling that nobody cared. Not about him, or about the effect of his actions on us. Hard things to process. Today I knew that people cared about the effect this was having on people.
I am ok this time. The one thing about going through the process I have been through with depression, trauma and PTSD, is that I am so much more aware of what I feel and need. Yesterday when I read the news, I contacted my sister and my parents. Today I rearranged a meeting to be able to go to one of the group sessions. Little things maybe, but the things I needed to do to take care of me.
Not that many years ago I would have felt like I didn't deserve to have any feelings about this as I didn't really know the guy. I would have thought that I didn't deserve to take the time I needed to do some things that are good for me. What an amazing difference for me.
So, they say that one trauma is likely to open up other past trauma. Living with PTSD, I know well how this works. Today this happened to me. It is funny where the mind goes. For me, it was to my 1st year at university, living in residence. One of the guys in rez, from my floor, took his own life over Christmas vacation. The university did precious little after the fact. Well 10 months later they sent in grief counselors. And in the first week back from vacation they told us not to talk to the media.
Today the opposite happened. There was a counselor on sight all day and he held a number of group and individual sessions. I guess this is the part that triggered the old trauma.
I remember the feelings of confusion, disbelief and sadness when it happened. I also remember the feeling that nobody cared. Not about him, or about the effect of his actions on us. Hard things to process. Today I knew that people cared about the effect this was having on people.
I am ok this time. The one thing about going through the process I have been through with depression, trauma and PTSD, is that I am so much more aware of what I feel and need. Yesterday when I read the news, I contacted my sister and my parents. Today I rearranged a meeting to be able to go to one of the group sessions. Little things maybe, but the things I needed to do to take care of me.
Not that many years ago I would have felt like I didn't deserve to have any feelings about this as I didn't really know the guy. I would have thought that I didn't deserve to take the time I needed to do some things that are good for me. What an amazing difference for me.
Saturday 4 July 2015
Not helping ourselves
I hate the term "coming out of the closet" or the shortened versions "coming out" or "out". It is used as short-hand for "when did you tell the world you are gay/lesbian?" I am sure it it used for other people on the sexual spectrum as well, but that is out of my realm of experience and therefore I will stick to what I know.
Why do I hate the terminology? Mainly because, even though things are changing, it continues to speak to shame. It still says that people whose sexual preference is not heterosexual need to tell the world about this side of themselves, and that this side is something that was hidden in the proverbial closet. Something to be kept a secret. Something to be ashamed of.
This terminology is pretty ingrained in our society, both with those who are gay and straight. When I first started going to events and getting to know other lesbians, the first question was almost always about when I came out. (As an aside this is a real turn-off for me and a big part of the reason I don't participate in many of those events). Sometimes the question was asked in a way that was meant to be kind and supportive. In those instances the response to my answer of recently was usually kind. In some instances, the question was asked so that the person could feel good about themselves as they had been "out" longer. The term "baby lesbian" was condescendingly used a number times.
So, why can't we just be who we are? Do I want some people in my life to know I prefer women? Absolutely, mainly so I can talk about who I am freely, and maybe they can set me up? The thing is though that is only a part of me, in the same way I like to cycle and knit are parts of me.
I am sure the terminology will continue to prevade for a long time to come. Used in a way that is not meant to illicit shame is fine with me. I hope this is becoming more and more the norm, in all circles. Everyone, gay, lesbian, straight or something else, has their own journey. Sexual preference is one of those steps.
Why do I hate the terminology? Mainly because, even though things are changing, it continues to speak to shame. It still says that people whose sexual preference is not heterosexual need to tell the world about this side of themselves, and that this side is something that was hidden in the proverbial closet. Something to be kept a secret. Something to be ashamed of.
This terminology is pretty ingrained in our society, both with those who are gay and straight. When I first started going to events and getting to know other lesbians, the first question was almost always about when I came out. (As an aside this is a real turn-off for me and a big part of the reason I don't participate in many of those events). Sometimes the question was asked in a way that was meant to be kind and supportive. In those instances the response to my answer of recently was usually kind. In some instances, the question was asked so that the person could feel good about themselves as they had been "out" longer. The term "baby lesbian" was condescendingly used a number times.
So, why can't we just be who we are? Do I want some people in my life to know I prefer women? Absolutely, mainly so I can talk about who I am freely, and maybe they can set me up? The thing is though that is only a part of me, in the same way I like to cycle and knit are parts of me.
I am sure the terminology will continue to prevade for a long time to come. Used in a way that is not meant to illicit shame is fine with me. I hope this is becoming more and more the norm, in all circles. Everyone, gay, lesbian, straight or something else, has their own journey. Sexual preference is one of those steps.
Sunday 21 June 2015
Ride Don't Hide
Today I rode my bike in the Canadian Mental Health Associations Ride Don't Hide. There are 3 distances, 105 km, 50 km and 10 km. I rode 10, hopefully 50 next year. They had their own focus for the ride. I had my own reasons.
I wanted to do something to give back. I am one of the lucky ones living with mental illness. I have had great support from the people around me. And I have health benefits at work that mean I can afford timely treatment. I don't have to wait for the public system access to psychologists. I can take the medication I want, even though it is expensive because it doesn't have a generic version. And I, for the most part, don't worry too much about the stigma. I wanted to find a way to pay some of that forward.
I truly believe that there is a shift in attitudes towards mental health and mental illness. I want to help push that forward. I know that so many people suffer for a long time because they are afraid to seek help. I get it. It took me a long time before I would admit to depression also. Hopefully the more the conversation is out in the open, the earlier people will be able to seek help. I hope this is true.
My last reason is that it does me good once in awhile to see the support that is out there for people with mental illness. There is a certan positive energy at these kinds of events. Energy that I take in. Energy that encourages me and makes me braver. Today when they were announcing how many people were participating across the country and the effort people had put into creating teams and fundraising, and seeing all the families out, it made me really emotional. Ok it made me cry. It reminded me again that there are a lot of people out there that think that mental health is important and that are willing to say it out loud and to show it through their actions. This is cool to me.
And so, I encourage you to talk about mental health. To continue to move the conversation out of the shadows into the open. And, if you like to cycle, join me next year. We can even form a team.
I wanted to do something to give back. I am one of the lucky ones living with mental illness. I have had great support from the people around me. And I have health benefits at work that mean I can afford timely treatment. I don't have to wait for the public system access to psychologists. I can take the medication I want, even though it is expensive because it doesn't have a generic version. And I, for the most part, don't worry too much about the stigma. I wanted to find a way to pay some of that forward.
I truly believe that there is a shift in attitudes towards mental health and mental illness. I want to help push that forward. I know that so many people suffer for a long time because they are afraid to seek help. I get it. It took me a long time before I would admit to depression also. Hopefully the more the conversation is out in the open, the earlier people will be able to seek help. I hope this is true.
My last reason is that it does me good once in awhile to see the support that is out there for people with mental illness. There is a certan positive energy at these kinds of events. Energy that I take in. Energy that encourages me and makes me braver. Today when they were announcing how many people were participating across the country and the effort people had put into creating teams and fundraising, and seeing all the families out, it made me really emotional. Ok it made me cry. It reminded me again that there are a lot of people out there that think that mental health is important and that are willing to say it out loud and to show it through their actions. This is cool to me.
And so, I encourage you to talk about mental health. To continue to move the conversation out of the shadows into the open. And, if you like to cycle, join me next year. We can even form a team.
Wednesday 10 June 2015
Growing Old
Somedays the aging process seems like a lot.
You notice that your eyes don't see as well
You notice that your ears don't hear as well.
You notice that you forget words mid-sentence.
You notice that your body isn't the same, and you know those changes will continue.
And you wonder if it is worth it.
And then you hear of your sister's friend dying of cancer.
You hear of a police officer shot dead.
You remember the people you have known that died younger than you are now.
You remember the people you knew who died at only slightly older than you are now.
You think of the ex-coworker, who you met when he was 15, battling cancer, fighting for his life.
You remember the day you thought life itself wasn't worth living and nearly took your own life.
And you know that aging is worth it as there are so many people that don't get to.
You know that they would give anything to say I love you to their spouse one more time.
To see their children grow up.
To have another beer with their buddies.
To keep living this crazy thing we call life.
And so, you take a deep breath and launch yourself back into life.
The joy, the sorrow, the love, the pain.
And you remember that you are privleged to live another day.
You notice that your eyes don't see as well
You notice that your ears don't hear as well.
You notice that you forget words mid-sentence.
You notice that your body isn't the same, and you know those changes will continue.
And you wonder if it is worth it.
And then you hear of your sister's friend dying of cancer.
You hear of a police officer shot dead.
You remember the people you have known that died younger than you are now.
You remember the people you knew who died at only slightly older than you are now.
You think of the ex-coworker, who you met when he was 15, battling cancer, fighting for his life.
You remember the day you thought life itself wasn't worth living and nearly took your own life.
And you know that aging is worth it as there are so many people that don't get to.
You know that they would give anything to say I love you to their spouse one more time.
To see their children grow up.
To have another beer with their buddies.
To keep living this crazy thing we call life.
And so, you take a deep breath and launch yourself back into life.
The joy, the sorrow, the love, the pain.
And you remember that you are privleged to live another day.
Sunday 7 June 2015
The Scene of the Crime
Yesterday I went to Edmonton to watch the FIFA Women's World Cup soccer. I used to live in Edmonton. It is where all of my hardest days were. It is where the workplace bullying happened and where I was one thought away from taking my own life. It is where I felt betrayed by life.
When I moved from there I was determind to leave it all behind and forget about all the crap. I have been back a handfull of times, all but yesterday before I really understood the PTSD symptoms I experience and before I had any kind of coping skills with them. The lack of trips there has been hard on the few friendships I really do value... but I digress.
So, yesterday. I was so excited to go see the soccer. And the truth is I wasn't even thinking about the crap that happened in the last few years of living there. I was enjoying the drive. Then we got to Leduc, about 20 km outside of Edmonton, and it started. The awful sick feeling in my stomach, the nausea, the very real realization that I was having a panic attack. And the equally real thought that I was trapped in a car full of women that I don't know all that well. Certainly not well enough to want to talk about what was happening.
The spot on the road was familiar. Every time I would return from visiting my family in Calgary, that is about the spot the anxiety would kick in. And so, it happened again
It was tough, especially as I was trying to hide it, and be the navigator as I was the only one familiar with the city. What I learned is that I do have a few more coping skills. By the time we got to the park and ride I was doing better, and by the time we got to the stadium I was ok.
Interesting really. The bus went right by one of my old apartments, from the days before things got really bad. I was reminded of some of the good days of living in Edmonton. I know that was good for me as I haven't really been able to see beyond the bad days for a long time.
I also learned that I can be in the city and be ok. How that would play out going past the condo I lived in at the worst of it, or the building where I worked might be different. I didn't get near either of those places. But I did remember some of the good times in the areas I was in, so that is a start. Even without the physical reminder of being there, maybe it will help me see my life there in a more real way.
#blog4mh
Sunday 31 May 2015
Aggression and dodgeball
One of my activities over the last few years has been dodgeball. I got into it randomly and ended up on a team of fabulous people equally randomly. The guy who introduced me to the team ended up not being a good fit, but I am still around.
Earlier this year I somehow ended up with a stress fracture in my foot. No idea how actually. Anyhow, as you can likely imagine, part of the treatment is not playing dodgeball, so I haven't played since the first week of March.
A friend asked me today how I was not going crazy, well the truth is, I am going crazy. I knew I would miss it, and I was worried about finding ways to keep up some kind of exercise. Thankfully I can swim still, and bike a little. These are helpful, but I am learning they are missing 2 things: team spirit and aggression. The first doesn't surprise me. As I said, my teammates are lovely.
The aggression I wouldn't have expected. I don't think of myself as an aggressive or particularly competitive person. I can see though, in hindsight, that many of the times when things were going at least better for me, I had some kind of aggressive outlet. Throughout my days at university I played basketball, volleyball and hockey. And my aggressive side came out.
The nice thing about dodgeball is that it is aggressive, but in a controlled and acceptable way. The whole point of the game is to throw balls at other people. Catching also has its own feeling of aggression, or maybe that is just pain. It sure makes you know you are in the game though.
I guess the other thing about the game is that it really makes you live in the moment. You either pay attention or get nailed with a ball.
And so, I am struggling without an aggressive outlet in my life right now. I know it is temporary and that my foot will eventually get better. And I am learning something about myself and what makes it easier for me to manage the depression. I really do need a place as an outlet for aggression. Hopefully I will be able to play dodgeball again soon.
Earlier this year I somehow ended up with a stress fracture in my foot. No idea how actually. Anyhow, as you can likely imagine, part of the treatment is not playing dodgeball, so I haven't played since the first week of March.
A friend asked me today how I was not going crazy, well the truth is, I am going crazy. I knew I would miss it, and I was worried about finding ways to keep up some kind of exercise. Thankfully I can swim still, and bike a little. These are helpful, but I am learning they are missing 2 things: team spirit and aggression. The first doesn't surprise me. As I said, my teammates are lovely.
The aggression I wouldn't have expected. I don't think of myself as an aggressive or particularly competitive person. I can see though, in hindsight, that many of the times when things were going at least better for me, I had some kind of aggressive outlet. Throughout my days at university I played basketball, volleyball and hockey. And my aggressive side came out.
The nice thing about dodgeball is that it is aggressive, but in a controlled and acceptable way. The whole point of the game is to throw balls at other people. Catching also has its own feeling of aggression, or maybe that is just pain. It sure makes you know you are in the game though.
I guess the other thing about the game is that it really makes you live in the moment. You either pay attention or get nailed with a ball.
And so, I am struggling without an aggressive outlet in my life right now. I know it is temporary and that my foot will eventually get better. And I am learning something about myself and what makes it easier for me to manage the depression. I really do need a place as an outlet for aggression. Hopefully I will be able to play dodgeball again soon.
Monday 25 May 2015
Unrecognizable
I had my performance review at work today. It went really well. I have been at my current position for 5 months now. My boss really had not much negative, or really even constructive to say. Her main messages were that it has been nice to watch me develop more or less how she expected I would and that I should carry on as it is going well. No one is worried about my project because they trust I have it under control. A good review to be sure.
We got talking about lots of things and it came up that she wouldn't have recognized the person I was 7 years ago now, and the people from that job wouldn't recognize me either. I am relaxed, confident and usually calm. For the most part I take challenges in stride and find ways to manage them. I have not even been close to an inappropriate emotional outburst.
The work environment had a lot to do with so much of that. Especially when having to deal with a bully everyday. Really when a work environment causes PTSD, there is something amiss there. Undiagnosed depression and anxiety didn't help either. So many factors working against me at the time. I was told I was a difficult employee to manage and I needed to make so many changes in order to be effective...
Today I was told I am an easy employee to manage, that in my bosses' view we have a good working relationship (which I agree with).
So how do I make sense of it all? Firstly, the depression and anxiety were there before the bully started, but she certainly exacerbated the problem, as did the people who would not acknowledge that she, not I, was the problem. Next, for me work environment is actually really important. Where I am now is even better for me than my regular position, mainly due to the nature of the job that I am there to do.
And mental health is SO imoirtant. Making mine a priority, no matter what this means, is the only way I can live my life.
#blog4mh
We got talking about lots of things and it came up that she wouldn't have recognized the person I was 7 years ago now, and the people from that job wouldn't recognize me either. I am relaxed, confident and usually calm. For the most part I take challenges in stride and find ways to manage them. I have not even been close to an inappropriate emotional outburst.
The work environment had a lot to do with so much of that. Especially when having to deal with a bully everyday. Really when a work environment causes PTSD, there is something amiss there. Undiagnosed depression and anxiety didn't help either. So many factors working against me at the time. I was told I was a difficult employee to manage and I needed to make so many changes in order to be effective...
Today I was told I am an easy employee to manage, that in my bosses' view we have a good working relationship (which I agree with).
So how do I make sense of it all? Firstly, the depression and anxiety were there before the bully started, but she certainly exacerbated the problem, as did the people who would not acknowledge that she, not I, was the problem. Next, for me work environment is actually really important. Where I am now is even better for me than my regular position, mainly due to the nature of the job that I am there to do.
And mental health is SO imoirtant. Making mine a priority, no matter what this means, is the only way I can live my life.
#blog4mh
Thursday 21 May 2015
Appreciating the unexpected joy
At one point in my life, when the depression was raging, there was no joy, ever. The moment I remember feeling the darkness lift a teeny tiny bit was now nearly 4.5 years ago when my nephew was born. At the time it felt like such a foreign emotion I didn't know what to do with it, or really how to let myself experience it.
Fast forward to today. I have been re-habbing a broken foot for the last 3 months or so. One of the things I need to do is stay off it. Usually my main way of getting to and from work is walking. Now I take the bus most days. Today though, I rode my bike. At the end of the day I felt such a sense of joy that getting home was not confined by the bus schedule, I could leave when I was ready and come straight home.
On the way home I rode by a stretch of mayday trees in bloom and the smell was delightful. I also rode by a whole bunch of goslings, so cute. I noticed and enjoyed these things.
It is really still amazing to me to feel the positive emotion that comes in these moments. Not just know that something good is going on and yet have no experience of anything positive. And then, especially before I had the diagnosis of depression, I would wonder what in earth was wrong with me that I never felt joy. Oof, hard way to live.
Today I am grateftul for treatment that is working, that I can be a part of the world for good and bad.
#blog4mh
Fast forward to today. I have been re-habbing a broken foot for the last 3 months or so. One of the things I need to do is stay off it. Usually my main way of getting to and from work is walking. Now I take the bus most days. Today though, I rode my bike. At the end of the day I felt such a sense of joy that getting home was not confined by the bus schedule, I could leave when I was ready and come straight home.
On the way home I rode by a stretch of mayday trees in bloom and the smell was delightful. I also rode by a whole bunch of goslings, so cute. I noticed and enjoyed these things.
It is really still amazing to me to feel the positive emotion that comes in these moments. Not just know that something good is going on and yet have no experience of anything positive. And then, especially before I had the diagnosis of depression, I would wonder what in earth was wrong with me that I never felt joy. Oof, hard way to live.
Today I am grateftul for treatment that is working, that I can be a part of the world for good and bad.
#blog4mh
Monday 11 May 2015
The Silver Lining
For the past 2+ months I have been working on rehabilitating a stress fracture in my foot. And the rehab will continue for some time yet. This means staying off it as much as possible. Challenging for me. My main sources of exercise are walking to and from work and playing dodgeball. Neither of which are really about staying off your foot.
When I first got the news I was pretty worried about what this would do to my mental health. Like a lot of people, exercise is one of the big parts of living with depression for me. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage. For the first couple of weeks I didn't manage very well. I still wanted to do the regular things.
After that I started getting a bit creative and doing other things. Not necessarily my choice of things, but at least a good substitute to keeping the darkness at bay.
Funny things is, now that I have to be more intentional about exercising I think I am doing more of it than I was. It has really made thing about my regular habits. I don't usually pay attention to the amount of time or the balance of exercise. I have been doing that more of late. I am hoping that some of the new habits will stick. At that very least it has made me pay more attention.
I also see more clearly just how important getting exercise is to my mental health regime. A better understanding of the link and the effects is never a bad thing.
#blog4mh
#getloud
#blog4mh
#getloud
Thursday 7 May 2015
First World Problems
I hate the phrase that has arisen recently, First World Problems. It makes me angry. Ok so before anyone thinks I don't get it, let me explain.
I understand the purpose is to remind people that we have it really good in this part of the world. It is to remind people to have some perspective on the things that are bothering them. And I agree with the sentiment.
Where it bothers me is that so often it is used to insinuate that people shouldn't feel or think a certain way about a situation. To me this is unhealthy. And for those of us living with mental illness it can be downright awful.
We live in the society we are in. It comes with a lot of privilege. For most of us, this means not worrying about our physical needs being cared for. We have places to live, clothes to wear and food to eat. Our society also comes with its own downsides and pressures. The way any of us feel about these is legitimate and valid. No matter how silly it might seem.
Now, let's take this a step further. For me, and a lot of others, one of the symptoms of mental illness is feeling lousy, overwhelmed, upset, anxious etc... all the time. The thing is, I have a good life. Rationally, there really is no "good" reason to feel awful. There are certainly people around me and around the world who have it way worse than me, and they don't feel like I do sometimes.
To me, anything that is aimed at making people with mental ilness feel shame for the feelings they have adds to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It makes people with the illness feel like they shouldn't feel like they do, even when there is nothing they can do about it. I think it also could lead people to hide what is going on with them.
In the end people with mental illness need support, not shame. Stigma is not helpful. Hiding is not helpful. And so I am workinf on watching the words I use and hope that others are also.
PS this is my 2nd blog post in the blog challenge I have joined
Check out #blog4mh on twitter to see all of the thoughts about mental health that are part of this challenge.
Also, it is the Canadian Mental Health Association mental health awareness week this week. Their theme is #Get Loud. Let's all get loud and talk about mental health.
I understand the purpose is to remind people that we have it really good in this part of the world. It is to remind people to have some perspective on the things that are bothering them. And I agree with the sentiment.
Where it bothers me is that so often it is used to insinuate that people shouldn't feel or think a certain way about a situation. To me this is unhealthy. And for those of us living with mental illness it can be downright awful.
We live in the society we are in. It comes with a lot of privilege. For most of us, this means not worrying about our physical needs being cared for. We have places to live, clothes to wear and food to eat. Our society also comes with its own downsides and pressures. The way any of us feel about these is legitimate and valid. No matter how silly it might seem.
Now, let's take this a step further. For me, and a lot of others, one of the symptoms of mental illness is feeling lousy, overwhelmed, upset, anxious etc... all the time. The thing is, I have a good life. Rationally, there really is no "good" reason to feel awful. There are certainly people around me and around the world who have it way worse than me, and they don't feel like I do sometimes.
To me, anything that is aimed at making people with mental ilness feel shame for the feelings they have adds to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It makes people with the illness feel like they shouldn't feel like they do, even when there is nothing they can do about it. I think it also could lead people to hide what is going on with them.
In the end people with mental illness need support, not shame. Stigma is not helpful. Hiding is not helpful. And so I am workinf on watching the words I use and hope that others are also.
PS this is my 2nd blog post in the blog challenge I have joined
Check out #blog4mh on twitter to see all of the thoughts about mental health that are part of this challenge.
Also, it is the Canadian Mental Health Association mental health awareness week this week. Their theme is #Get Loud. Let's all get loud and talk about mental health.
Sunday 3 May 2015
Get Loud
Tomorrow is the beginning of mental health awareness week. This year I have joined a blog challenge. #blog4mh on twitter to see the posts.
One of the themes I have heard is get loud. So what does this mean to me? Talk about your experience. Don't hide. Don't be afraid. Stigma only has to affect us if we let it. If someone can't handle the truth then they are not worth the effort. All these things seem easy when I am at home writing a post.
How will they be tomorrow when I go to work? How will they be when I go to a knitting group later in the week? How will they be when I have another appointment with a new doctor, one whom I haven't been able to figure out just yet?
These situations are where the rubber hits the road. Places where I have an opportunity to spread awareness or fear. Places where I can use my experience for good, or I can hide.
And so with this blog I am going to try to be brave one more time this week than I might otherwise. I am going to talk about mental health awareness week. I am going to see if I can do one small thing differently than I have before. I encourage you to do the same.
http://championsforcommunitywellness.com/2015/05/01/blog4mh-round-up-week-one-gets-started/
One of the themes I have heard is get loud. So what does this mean to me? Talk about your experience. Don't hide. Don't be afraid. Stigma only has to affect us if we let it. If someone can't handle the truth then they are not worth the effort. All these things seem easy when I am at home writing a post.
How will they be tomorrow when I go to work? How will they be when I go to a knitting group later in the week? How will they be when I have another appointment with a new doctor, one whom I haven't been able to figure out just yet?
These situations are where the rubber hits the road. Places where I have an opportunity to spread awareness or fear. Places where I can use my experience for good, or I can hide.
And so with this blog I am going to try to be brave one more time this week than I might otherwise. I am going to talk about mental health awareness week. I am going to see if I can do one small thing differently than I have before. I encourage you to do the same.
http://championsforcommunitywellness.com/2015/05/01/blog4mh-round-up-week-one-gets-started/
Friday 24 April 2015
Better
Today I had a counselling appointment and something that I said seems like a good topic for a post. I said at one point that I am better. It's true. I spent a lot of my energy over the last 4+ years working on grieving, healing and finding different ways to be. I also have a chronic illness that ultimately is managed, not cured.
Lately I have been feeling good. And I believe it shows. People are smiling at me on the street. Bigger than that though, I got out to meet new people twice in the last 2 weeks. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, and haven't because I didn't have the energy. It's nice to feel ok.
I have worked really hard to get to this place. I opened my version of Pandora's box. And really for quite awhile it seemed bottomless. I would deal with one thing and find another layer and another and another. I have faced so many of my demons head on and come out the other side. I am strong. I have learned to trust myself, trust my intuition, to know that I can handle things even when they seem daunting, scary or impossible.
And I am proud of my accomplishment. I was thinking today how we still keep depression quiet because of the stigma. Seriously though, facing the healing for me has taken way more strength than anything else I have ever done. Depression for me is not about weakness at all. Healing is about courage. It has to be as it is not easy.
I also know that I have a chronic illness...or at least that is the way it seems. The ups and downs of life are bound to happen. For me they will be complicated by the extra layer of depression/anxiety/PTSD. That is my life.
So right now, while I feel good, I am working in putting in place a few more supports so that when things are down again they will be there and won't feel so hard.
In the end it's about recognizing how far I have come and what an amazing thing that really is.
Lately I have been feeling good. And I believe it shows. People are smiling at me on the street. Bigger than that though, I got out to meet new people twice in the last 2 weeks. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, and haven't because I didn't have the energy. It's nice to feel ok.
I have worked really hard to get to this place. I opened my version of Pandora's box. And really for quite awhile it seemed bottomless. I would deal with one thing and find another layer and another and another. I have faced so many of my demons head on and come out the other side. I am strong. I have learned to trust myself, trust my intuition, to know that I can handle things even when they seem daunting, scary or impossible.
And I am proud of my accomplishment. I was thinking today how we still keep depression quiet because of the stigma. Seriously though, facing the healing for me has taken way more strength than anything else I have ever done. Depression for me is not about weakness at all. Healing is about courage. It has to be as it is not easy.
I also know that I have a chronic illness...or at least that is the way it seems. The ups and downs of life are bound to happen. For me they will be complicated by the extra layer of depression/anxiety/PTSD. That is my life.
So right now, while I feel good, I am working in putting in place a few more supports so that when things are down again they will be there and won't feel so hard.
In the end it's about recognizing how far I have come and what an amazing thing that really is.
Friday 27 March 2015
Letting it go
Today at a couselling appointment I realized how powerful words can be, especially when one is in a vulnerable state.
We were talking about self-blame. I have still been struggling with this from the bullying situation I was in. As I was talking today it came out that the first therapist I saw after that situation told me that I needed to look at my role in all of it as it takes two to tango. The counselor today was horrified to hear that someone told me this.
The truth is that that line never sat well with me. It did however make me feel like what happened was somehow my fault, but in a way that I could never quite get my head around. I was in such a difficult place at the time that I took her word for it, because I didn't know better. It means though that I have been carrying around some nebulous blame for that situation for a long time.
What I really needed to hear loud and clear is that it wasn't my fault. That what happened had everything to do with the bully and nothing to do with me. My only crimes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and being a sensitive person which made the whole situation harder on me.
I can finally feel a shift in me over this. Maybe, just maybe I will actually be able to believe that it wasn't my fault and I can let the blame go.
We were talking about self-blame. I have still been struggling with this from the bullying situation I was in. As I was talking today it came out that the first therapist I saw after that situation told me that I needed to look at my role in all of it as it takes two to tango. The counselor today was horrified to hear that someone told me this.
The truth is that that line never sat well with me. It did however make me feel like what happened was somehow my fault, but in a way that I could never quite get my head around. I was in such a difficult place at the time that I took her word for it, because I didn't know better. It means though that I have been carrying around some nebulous blame for that situation for a long time.
What I really needed to hear loud and clear is that it wasn't my fault. That what happened had everything to do with the bully and nothing to do with me. My only crimes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and being a sensitive person which made the whole situation harder on me.
I can finally feel a shift in me over this. Maybe, just maybe I will actually be able to believe that it wasn't my fault and I can let the blame go.
Monday 16 February 2015
On Steve Montador
News broke yesterday that Steve Montador passed away the night before at his hime in Ontario. Steve Montador is an ex-NHL defenceman. He played for a number of teams including my favourite, the Calgary Flames.
A few years ago when recovering from a concussion Montador was open about the depression and anxiety that this process was causing him. He played a few more games, in the AHL and KHL, but in the end the concussion was career-ending for him.
At this point the police are saying they do not suspect foul play in Montadors death and they will know more after the autopsy. What you read in so many articles is an undertone that perhaps he took his own life. I believe that police are also saying this wasn't a suicide, but that is less obvious in the news releases from them.
So, then I come back to the topic of stigma. An assumption that because Montador had struggled with deprssion and anxiety that people automatically assume or suspect suicide. To me, this speaks directly to stigma. Yes, many people that take their own life struggle with mental illness. But the reverse is not necessarily true. Many people with mental illness do not take their own lives.
So, why the automatic assumption? Why the questions? Why the thoughts? Stigma, ignorance, lack of understanding and I guess also the desire for an immediate explanation, even though there isn't one. The question in my mind is would the assumptions be there is he hadn't been open about his struggles with depression and anxiety?
A few years ago when recovering from a concussion Montador was open about the depression and anxiety that this process was causing him. He played a few more games, in the AHL and KHL, but in the end the concussion was career-ending for him.
At this point the police are saying they do not suspect foul play in Montadors death and they will know more after the autopsy. What you read in so many articles is an undertone that perhaps he took his own life. I believe that police are also saying this wasn't a suicide, but that is less obvious in the news releases from them.
So, then I come back to the topic of stigma. An assumption that because Montador had struggled with deprssion and anxiety that people automatically assume or suspect suicide. To me, this speaks directly to stigma. Yes, many people that take their own life struggle with mental illness. But the reverse is not necessarily true. Many people with mental illness do not take their own lives.
So, why the automatic assumption? Why the questions? Why the thoughts? Stigma, ignorance, lack of understanding and I guess also the desire for an immediate explanation, even though there isn't one. The question in my mind is would the assumptions be there is he hadn't been open about his struggles with depression and anxiety?
Thursday 29 January 2015
Bullies
A Facebook friend was telling a story today about an adult bus driver bullying her 5-year old daughter, including berating her for crying after the adult had been yelling at her for awhile. Today someone at work sent me an email that had a not at all veiled threat in it. Not to my physical safety, but basically a "help me or I will go above you" threat. And I've been experiencing a lot of triggers and flashbacks to times in my life where I am been on the wrong end of bullies, especially one of my bosses at a previous workplace.
The thing is that so often what I see about bullying is aimed at helping the person on the wrong end of it cope
There is little to help people stop the bully. My experience has shown that this is a particular problem in the work place. Instead of dealing with the inappropriate behaviour, it seems that managers are more inclined to try to find ways to make ot easier to deal with the bullying, but all this does is reinforce the idea that the target has done something wrong, when nothing could be further from the truth.
I know that is a lot of places paperwork needed to deal with inappropriate behaviour is ridiculous and I can see how that might deter people from addressing the issue. Managers can deal with the targets as there is no disciplinary or corrective action needed as they haven't done anything wrong. In almost every case of workplace bullying I have heard of it ends up being the target who moves on because no one will do enough about the buly to make the situation tolerable. This is just wrong.
Ok, so I am a bit all over the map tonight. Where do adults get off bullying children and then telling them that it is unacceptable behaviour? Where do adults get off bullying other adults and then shifting the blame to the one they are bullying? What makes a person think that being SO mean is an appropriate way to be in the world?
The thing is that so often what I see about bullying is aimed at helping the person on the wrong end of it cope
There is little to help people stop the bully. My experience has shown that this is a particular problem in the work place. Instead of dealing with the inappropriate behaviour, it seems that managers are more inclined to try to find ways to make ot easier to deal with the bullying, but all this does is reinforce the idea that the target has done something wrong, when nothing could be further from the truth.
I know that is a lot of places paperwork needed to deal with inappropriate behaviour is ridiculous and I can see how that might deter people from addressing the issue. Managers can deal with the targets as there is no disciplinary or corrective action needed as they haven't done anything wrong. In almost every case of workplace bullying I have heard of it ends up being the target who moves on because no one will do enough about the buly to make the situation tolerable. This is just wrong.
Ok, so I am a bit all over the map tonight. Where do adults get off bullying children and then telling them that it is unacceptable behaviour? Where do adults get off bullying other adults and then shifting the blame to the one they are bullying? What makes a person think that being SO mean is an appropriate way to be in the world?
Saturday 17 January 2015
Found it
After I wrote my previous post last night I was still bothered by what it was that was really bothering me, what it really was that had set off the trigger reaction. For me, finding the source of things is essential to figuring out how to move forward. I knew it had to be something at work, but I couldn't put my finger on it. The new job is hard, but there is really nothing about it that seemed to be the issue.
Today I found the source. It was something at work. There was something that happened last week where some people were very disrespectful to me, all in the name of helping me. And that's the piece that felt familiar in a dangerous way. That's the piece that made my brain feel like I needed to go into protect mode. That's the piece I need to deal with. I know this is the piece because I feel calmer already, which is also the way my brain works. I do much better with the known than the unknown. That's how the workplace bully tried to spin her ridiculous behaviour, that she was helping me. Ha, not.
This situation is different, and I somehow need to convince my brain of that.
Today I found the source. It was something at work. There was something that happened last week where some people were very disrespectful to me, all in the name of helping me. And that's the piece that felt familiar in a dangerous way. That's the piece that made my brain feel like I needed to go into protect mode. That's the piece I need to deal with. I know this is the piece because I feel calmer already, which is also the way my brain works. I do much better with the known than the unknown. That's how the workplace bully tried to spin her ridiculous behaviour, that she was helping me. Ha, not.
This situation is different, and I somehow need to convince my brain of that.
Friday 16 January 2015
Here we go again
It's been a tough week. I felt low and depressed all week. There are lots of things that come along with this: low energy, lots of sleep, lack of desire to eat even though I feel hungry and a reduced ability to problem solve. All things that feed the next and make me feel like I am in a never-ending circle. Add to that the stress of a new job and whoa.
It's been a scary week in some ways because my brain has gone to some dark places that it hasn't been to in a long time. I was driving around today and the thought occurred to me that it would be super easy to use my car to harm or kill myself. I didn't think it was a good idea, but it still scares me when I head down that road.
So, as I always do when I feel down, I started analyzing what is going on with me. Is there anything particular making me feel like this? It seems this time it is a mixture of things with the biggest one is trauma triggers. Again. Trauma really does mess with your head.
The new job is good and going well, and it is also causing all sorts of triggers for me. The same old feelings of needing to be perfect, of needing to be on top of everything all the time, of needing to never make a mistake, of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop any time. All of this because the traumatized part of my brain says that if I make a mistake or don't measure up to some crazy standard that I create that it is dangerous, that something awful and unsafe will happen to me. Because in the past it has. In more than one situation, but the work one is the one that has the most influence right now.
I can't convince some parts of my brain that the danger is over, that I am no longer in that situation and that those old ways of keeping myself safe are no longer useful. That part of my brain takes the parts of this job that feel familiar to the traumatic situation and goes there, over and over again. The thing is the parts that are familiar are not bad at all and my current work situation is not dangerous. And I have other, healthier ways to keep myself safe. I know so much more now than I did then.
Triggers really are tough. It's like reliving the same horror again and again. For me I think this is why I sleep so much when I feel depressed as it is relief from the horror and darkness. The usual things that make me feel better don't have the same effect either. For example I went swimming today, and while it helped a little it wasn't the same. My brain certainly hasn't got to a point of believing the danger s over. At times like this week it feels like it is lurking everywhere, even when rationally I know it is not. This kind of thing is crazy-making for me.
I generally don't like the expression "battling depression" as it makes me feel like I am battling myself and that feels horrible. This week though it has felt like a battled between logic and trauma, between rational and depression. And I can observe it, but I am also living it. No wonder I try to find relief.
I have no real idea of what to do with all this. I do know this though, realizing that this latest darkness has at least something to do with past trauma at least gives me a place to start. I also know that there is a way through. I will confess though that today I wish it didn't feel so hard.
It's been a scary week in some ways because my brain has gone to some dark places that it hasn't been to in a long time. I was driving around today and the thought occurred to me that it would be super easy to use my car to harm or kill myself. I didn't think it was a good idea, but it still scares me when I head down that road.
So, as I always do when I feel down, I started analyzing what is going on with me. Is there anything particular making me feel like this? It seems this time it is a mixture of things with the biggest one is trauma triggers. Again. Trauma really does mess with your head.
The new job is good and going well, and it is also causing all sorts of triggers for me. The same old feelings of needing to be perfect, of needing to be on top of everything all the time, of needing to never make a mistake, of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop any time. All of this because the traumatized part of my brain says that if I make a mistake or don't measure up to some crazy standard that I create that it is dangerous, that something awful and unsafe will happen to me. Because in the past it has. In more than one situation, but the work one is the one that has the most influence right now.
I can't convince some parts of my brain that the danger is over, that I am no longer in that situation and that those old ways of keeping myself safe are no longer useful. That part of my brain takes the parts of this job that feel familiar to the traumatic situation and goes there, over and over again. The thing is the parts that are familiar are not bad at all and my current work situation is not dangerous. And I have other, healthier ways to keep myself safe. I know so much more now than I did then.
Triggers really are tough. It's like reliving the same horror again and again. For me I think this is why I sleep so much when I feel depressed as it is relief from the horror and darkness. The usual things that make me feel better don't have the same effect either. For example I went swimming today, and while it helped a little it wasn't the same. My brain certainly hasn't got to a point of believing the danger s over. At times like this week it feels like it is lurking everywhere, even when rationally I know it is not. This kind of thing is crazy-making for me.
I generally don't like the expression "battling depression" as it makes me feel like I am battling myself and that feels horrible. This week though it has felt like a battled between logic and trauma, between rational and depression. And I can observe it, but I am also living it. No wonder I try to find relief.
I have no real idea of what to do with all this. I do know this though, realizing that this latest darkness has at least something to do with past trauma at least gives me a place to start. I also know that there is a way through. I will confess though that today I wish it didn't feel so hard.
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