My job right now is pretty intense, it has been for about 2 weeks and looks to be for 3 more. This is a big test of my ability to cope with things. I am working way more than usual having to work very closely with one person in particular who I find very, very challenging.
I'm working hard to ensure that I take care of myself through this, but certainly the time I have to do some of the things that are good for me is very limited. So far I feel ok, but I'm scared too. I have an inkling that right underneath the coping is not coping and it could surface anytime. I'm hoping I can hang on until things slow down. It feels a lot like things used to be when I always just kept coping. Maybe that is why I am scared. It feels the same. It might now be though, things have changed.
We'll see how it goes I guess. I knew I would have to face this kind of test of my coping skills eventually as this is the way my job works.
Saturday 20 October 2012
Saturday 13 October 2012
Bullies and suicide
This week there is a video that has gone viral about a teenager who committed suicide because of bullies. At least that I what I presume the video is about. The truth is that I haven't watched it. I can't. I can't because it hits too close to home. I too considered suicide a viable option to getting away from a bully. Only I was an adult, not a teenager. I know how bad a place you have to be in to think that is a good option. The place of feeling so helpless, of not being able to see alternatives, of not really understanding that there are options, that things will be better. The feeling of being stuck in the current misery forever and just wanting it to end.
Just writing this makes me cry. The fact that suicide has been in the media and a topic of discussion so much is good. People need to understand that this happens. It's hard on me though as it brings make so much pain. The pain from my experience but also from suicides and attempted suicides by people around me. I was 13 the first time I knew someone who killed themselves, it was a boy in homeroom at school. When I was 18 a guy in my residence killed himself and 2 others tried. These were the closest ones to me, but there were others that I knew about also. I don't remember ever really talking about it, or knowing how to talk about it. I didn't talk about it when I was on the edge either. I went to work, and had to deal with the bully, just like everything was fine. And so, I talk about it now. It's after the fact, but I realize as I write this, the pain is still there and very much real. Things to process, things to think about and things to talk about.
It hurts so much being in that place where there seems to be no solutions. It hurts to know people who are in that place and it hurts to know of people that are there also. The pain is raw all over again. The desperation is raw all over again. I am sad for me, and for all others that have been there, as it is such dark dark place. I wish there was some way to let people know that it does get better, that the current situation is not all there is. I'm crying now... releasing pain, feeling pain, hopefully healing some pain. Don't judge people too harshly, they are desperate and don't know what to do. Try to show them a better way...
Just writing this makes me cry. The fact that suicide has been in the media and a topic of discussion so much is good. People need to understand that this happens. It's hard on me though as it brings make so much pain. The pain from my experience but also from suicides and attempted suicides by people around me. I was 13 the first time I knew someone who killed themselves, it was a boy in homeroom at school. When I was 18 a guy in my residence killed himself and 2 others tried. These were the closest ones to me, but there were others that I knew about also. I don't remember ever really talking about it, or knowing how to talk about it. I didn't talk about it when I was on the edge either. I went to work, and had to deal with the bully, just like everything was fine. And so, I talk about it now. It's after the fact, but I realize as I write this, the pain is still there and very much real. Things to process, things to think about and things to talk about.
It hurts so much being in that place where there seems to be no solutions. It hurts to know people who are in that place and it hurts to know of people that are there also. The pain is raw all over again. The desperation is raw all over again. I am sad for me, and for all others that have been there, as it is such dark dark place. I wish there was some way to let people know that it does get better, that the current situation is not all there is. I'm crying now... releasing pain, feeling pain, hopefully healing some pain. Don't judge people too harshly, they are desperate and don't know what to do. Try to show them a better way...
Thursday 4 October 2012
Good stuff
I was reading a post on someone else's blog tonight and it got me thinking. The commentor stated that they often wished depression was terminal just so the could see an end to the anguish. This comment struck a chord with me. I used to wish the same thing. At least then there would be some end in sight.
I realized that I no longer wish that. Depression is likely something I am going to live with for the rest of my life. I'm learning to ride the ups and downs. The thing is, there are so many things in my life that I would hate to miss out on. And these are the same things that give me hope when things are not so good. The list is long, but here is a sample: being a part of my nephews lives, my family, beauty, unexpected connection with people (which often happens because of sharing my story of depression), accomplishment, learning, growing....
If I can focus on these things on bad days, it doesn't make the bad days go away, but it does make me remember why the effort is worth it.
I realized that I no longer wish that. Depression is likely something I am going to live with for the rest of my life. I'm learning to ride the ups and downs. The thing is, there are so many things in my life that I would hate to miss out on. And these are the same things that give me hope when things are not so good. The list is long, but here is a sample: being a part of my nephews lives, my family, beauty, unexpected connection with people (which often happens because of sharing my story of depression), accomplishment, learning, growing....
If I can focus on these things on bad days, it doesn't make the bad days go away, but it does make me remember why the effort is worth it.
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