My journey now

So I just wrote a post about what depression feels like.  What is my life like now?

Now I choose everyday to live.  Often this means choosing pain because that is better than being numb.  It means finding hope somewhere, especially on those days when it feels like you are sliding back into it.  It's finding hope somewhere to know that one bad day or one bad moment doesn't mean that the depression is bad. It means everyday remembering that there are people out there that love me and who I love.  Some days it means moving forward when there is nothing else.   Trusting that there is something different around the next bend.

Some days I lose perspective.  I forget about all the good work I have done to get to this point and let myself be overwhelmed by some of the things I am still facing.  It means then finding a way back, back to a place where I can see the truth, where I can trust my instincts and not let my emotions carry me away.

There are sometimes days when I wonder if all the effort is worth it, and I wonder how much more it is going to take to feel like I am in a good place all the time.  And then, something beautiful will happen and bring me back.  These moments are the hope I need to carry on, especially on the hard days.

This is a journey for me.  Will it ever be over?  Who knows?  I'd like it to be.  On the flip side I have to remember that I've really been on the healing journey for 14 months or so.  That probably isn't enough to heal  who knows how many years of depression.  While I do feel better, most of the time, living with the depression certainly influenced the ways I saw and dealt with the world.  It takes time to untangle all of these things and see how they affect what I do today.