Beat up

Sometimes it feels like life beats me up a little.  This week has been one of those weeks.  I'll leave out the details except to say that I have been the brunt of a bully's actions this week.  Blech.

It's been hard for a number of reasons.  Firstly, the bully accused me of all sorts of things that are untrue, but still hard to have someone say to and about you.  Secondly, I have been in this position before and being here again brings up all sorts of feelings for me.  The anxiety, the fear, the despair, the depression.  I am taken back to a time in my life where everything was horrible and I can feel those feelings again.  And it sucks.

I have to keep making myself actually look at how I am handling it this time.  I called someone today who was able to help me figure out a response.  I have done all the right things in handling this.  Other people can see what is going on and are supporting me on it.  And, and this is the big one, I am able to see what is actually happening.  The bully is not getting his way and so is acting out.  He is threatening me and trying to draw me into his bullshit.

The thing is, I haven't been drawn in. I have managed to let him threaten, and frankly carry out on his threats (nothing physical) and still be ok.  I have been able to remember that people who are bullies are usually acting out some insecurity of their own and really it has nothing to do with me.  He is not getting his way and needs to make someone else feel small in order to feel in control, or something to that effect.  But, as someone said to me today, the thought is "too bad you are having a crappy day... I'm not, no matter what you do".

This situation is a big challenge for me.  It's a challenge to deal with the bully in a different way.  To be firm in what I am doing and not try to make things better.  I don't care if I ever have any kind of relationship with this person, and so why try?  Some things are not worth it.  I may have to deal with him again.  I will be polite, but distant.  I will do what I have to, but that will be all.  I have no respect for people who treat me this way, and that is not going to change.

But, I do now have some respect for me.  Just writing this post is making me feel anxious.  But, that's about change I think. It is hard to do things differently, it takes energy and determination.  I have those things, even though I am anxious as well.  I am handling it differently this time.  I truly believe that I don't deserve this treatment and that I have a right to stand up for myself.  This I will do, no matter how anxious it makes me.

And so at this end of this post I have a request.  I need some strength.  I need reminders sometimes that I am a great person and deserve to be treated respectfully.  Sometimes, I need to hear it.  Right now, I really do.  This request is also different.  I am asking for the support that I need.  New for me.

Sometimes

Sometimes I realize how bad things were for me.  I really had no idea what it felt like to feel ok about life.  Or at least if I ever had that feeling I totally forgot what it was like.  It's amazing to me that I can feel so calm.  It's amazing to me that things that used to send me for a tail spin, are minor now.  It's amazing to me how I managed to keep going.

I have had some really tough times.  This illness I have can make life completely intolerable, can make everything in life seem completely impossible.  Small decisions are hard, big decisions are earth shattering.  Every day it is a struggle just to be alive.  Every day it's a struggle to figure out what to wear, what to eat, how to navigate the relationships at work without losing it, how to navigate other relationships.  It's impossible to fathom that things could be better because just being is so hard.  Thinking about the work required to be better is so overwhelming it seems easier to keep on surviving.  Asking for help seems impossible.  And then, there is rock bottom.

This is the place when everything becomes intolerable.  It is also the place where I realized that something had to change.  It sucked, a lot.  And yet, it was the beginning of new things for me.  The beginning of really learning how to live my life differently.  The beginning of healing, the beginning of living instead of surviving.  It has been hard, sometimes terrible.  But, I can see now that it has also been worth it.

I'm finding my way forward, bit by bit.  I notice myself doing things differently, reacting differently.  It's been scary to feel so unsettled.  Slowly but surely though I can see that things aren't so hard anymore.  Some of the new things are becoming habit rather than work.  It's pretty amazing I must say.

Those moments

Do you ever have those moments where things seem off? Nothing is really wrong, but you have a sense that something is not quite right?  I am having one of those afternoons.  And, I'm not sure what to do with it.  For so long this feeling was associated with anxiety or panic, or well, depression.  There was no sense that things would be ok.  Everything was off, or bad, or wrong.  And so now, I am not sure how to handle this feeling.

Resolution

The other night at group we got talking about resolution.  I got thinking about my experiences.  I've had a few where I kept thinking, "if only the other person would..."

One of the experiences of this was a someone who let me down in a huge way.  She was responsible for putting me in a really bad, no-win situation and then when this became clear, she walked away.  (I realize this is pretty cryptic, but there are some things that are better left vague in a public forum)

I was angry and hurt.  I thought I had a good relationship with this person and I thought she valued me as a person.  And because of this, I felt like I owed her something as well.  The thing is, when push came to shove, I still felt like I owed it to her to try to make things work. To keep trying, even though it was like running full speed into a brick wall,over and over again.  And, when push came to shove, she didn't do anything at all.  She wouldn't even talk to me.

And so, I was angry, I was hurt and I felt betrayed.  I'd tried so hard to do what I thought was the right thing, and to me, it felt like she bailed, walked away.

Eventually, when the situation was completely intolerable I left.  For a long time, I wanted her to apologize.  I wanted to run into her so I could tell her how poorly she treated me. I wanted her to admit to it, to own up to her failings.  I wanted her to tell me that she was wrong and I was right.  But, that never happened.  And never was going to happen.  At some point, I realized that I was depending on someone else to do something so that I could let go of my anger and hurt.  I was still giving power to this woman who had shown me that she didn't really value me at all.  So, in the end, what I thought I needed in order to move on was dependent on someone else.

This felt horrible.  Once I started on my own process of healing, I also realized that waiting for someone else to do something so I could be better was not a good way to approach things.  This was setting myself up to fail.  I had to find a way to make my resolution dependent on me because that was the only way I had any control over the situation.

This was really a difficult process.  I trusted this woman and she betrayed that.  But, I did eventually find a way to see that I am responsible for me.  I have the power to do whatever it is I set my mind to.  Letting her have the power was just perpetuating the hurt for me.  It was not punishing her, which is what I wanted to be doing.

I'm not angry anymore.  I'm not hurt anymore.  Not to excuse the behaviour or to pretend it away. I was put in a horrible, no-win situation.  The person that had a responsibility to do something about it didn't.  It happened.  I can't and won't pretend it didn't or that it wasn't awful.  To me, that would invalidate my experience.  But, I have taken back my power.  My own healing is no longer dependent on getting something that I am never going to get.  I've found a way to be powerful in my own right.  To move on from that situation, better, stronger.  Ultimately we all have to live with our own choices.  It is my choice to find my way through this.

My birthday

Yesterday was my birthday.  I've been thinking about how I feel about having a birthday and being the age that I am now.  I've had a lot of "nothing" birthdays where they passed with little fanfare, although not totally unrecognized.  I've thrown myself the odd party.  I've been away travelling also.  Many different kinds of birthdays.

So this year.  How do I feel?  The truth is I've been having fun celebrating, but in my own way.  I've discovered that lots of small celebrations is more my thing than one big one.  I've been out for dinner with a friend, had a surprise cake from my family, been for drinks with friends, going for ice cream later this week and maybe a coffee date with another one.  It's been super fun.  One of the funny moments was the surprise cake from my family.  I can truly say I didn't expect it, although maybe I should have.  And, I got the same candle that we have using for cakes for quite awhile now.  It is a number 5.  I really love those kinds of harmless jokes. They make you laugh and no one gets hurt or offended or anything.

For the first time in awhile it feels good to celebrate.  Good to feel good.  Good to think it is fun to do things.  And, I also feel ok about having the attention on me for a day.  I used to feel embarrassed about this.  I so desperately wanted the attention, and yet when I got it I didn't feel like I deserved it, or people were just being polite or whatever.  I couldn't really appreciate it.  This year, I don't feel like that.  It's ok to command attention on my birthday (or the couple of weeks around it as the case may be).  It's ok to recognize that the people around me want to celebrate with me.  Truth is, I've been soaking it up.

I don't need anything grand.  Even just someone saying happy birthday in the hall at work or on facebook is lovely.  I know that grand gestures certainly aren't my strength, and I don't expect them at all.  Small ones feel really good to me.

When I reflect on all of this, I realize how different things are.  I don't feel ashamed when I get attention.  I also feel good about celebrating my way.  Yes, I'm another year older.  But my life has seemed really hard a lot of the last few years.  Right now, it doesn't seem so hard.  Age is a number.  Being in a good place is so much more important to me.  To me that is a reason to celebrate.  My birthday is just a good excuse.