18 months

It's been 18 months since I started taking anti-depressants.  18 months since I finally had an official diagnosis of depression. 18 months since I finally accepted that this was part of my life.  18 months of focusing on my health and finding ways to live in a way that acknowledges that fact.  18 months of looking inside and finding so many hurts, so much pain and finding ways to let it go.

It's been a pretty tough 18 months in a lot of ways.  There have been a lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of emotional pain.  I've had to learn to pay attention to how I feel.  I've been learning to stand up for myself and know that it's ok to do that.  I've learned that I am important and I need to look out for me.  I've come to understand that I am valuable just because I am me, not because of my achievements.  I know that its good to accept the love from friends and family.  I've learned to lean on other people when I feel weak and need someone to be strong for me.  I am so grateful to the people who have done this and continue to do this for me.

I've learned what depression is and the effect it has on my life.  I know depression, I know it intimately.  I know how it feels.  I know the desperation that can come when it seems like depression is all there is.  I know what it does to me.  And, I feel for other people who have this illness.

Looking back is good sometimes. I remember how horrible my life was for so long.  How I felt like I was existing and not really alive.  How I really didn't care about anything.  I was surviving and just waiting for things to get better.  Waiting for a day when I could get out of the hell I felt like I was in.

I no longer feel that way.  Now, I find myself laughing and smiling, and not because I am faking it.  I see joy and sorrow.  I feel my feelings, I feel alive. Feeling better is not about feeling good all the time, at least not for me.  For me, it's about feeling period.  Feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling frustrated etc... It's about caring about my life and being involved.  I feel like I am there in so many ways.

I know that depression has affected how I see the world, how I act and react.  I'm working on sorting through what of that is useful to keep and what needs to go.  I'm also working on finding a way to live that includes the things that keep me healthy.  Family, friends, exercise, eating right, down time.  It still doesn't feel natural to try to find this balance, so I will continue to work.  The feeling of being ok is so strange for me. I am still getting used to it.