Cracked open

I've been thinking a lot about my trauma from workplace bullying a lot the last few days. I guess this is what happens when you crack open the parts that have been hidden and sealed off for a long time. I thought I had dealt with what happened in that workplace. Turns out I was wrong, or at least partially wrong.

I have let myself be extremely angry with the bully's boss and with a few other people who refused to do anything. And I had myself convinced that this was enough. The truth is I haven't processed my feelings about the actual bully. I haven't felt safe enough to go there. Wow, crazy effect that kind of mentally dangerous situation can have. I'm still having trouble making myself face it because I am scared of what I am going to find. I am scared to open up that box again.

I know it was a horrible time for me and so much of me just wants to forget it. But, if I have learned anything about myself in working on recovery from depression, it's that I can't forget things like that. I can pretend I have, but eventually it catches up with me. The other thing is that I know the stuff I haven't dealt with is affecting how I react to things today, and it is making me react in ways I don't like all that well.

I know that I will tackle this, but it is going to take time. I think I need to go slow so I can convince myself I am safe and exploring these emotions is ok.

Crawling out of my skin

After I wrote the last post I was struggling. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Like my skin wasn't big enough, like my apartment wasn't big enough, like I needed more space to deal with the emotion in me. So I went for a walk.

When I started I was walking fast, clenching my fists and feeling reckless. I walked by the liquor store and thought how satisfying it would be to go in and smash a few things and steal a few things. Reckless.

It took 45 minutes and about 20 blocks before I started to feel better. Amazing what kind of energy that amount of tough emotion can generate.

Trauma

Trauma is an interesting thing.  It really can, and does, play havoc with your brain.  They say that trauma experienced from bullying (or any other kind of trauma where it is prolonged) plays a different kind of havoc than one-time short-lived trauma.  Either way our brains don't cope well.

Today, I had a counseling appointment.  It was tough.  I realized again how much trauma from previous workplace bullying that I still carry around.  Add to that my counselor thinks I am a highly-sensitive person. (This is just a fancy way of saying what I have known for a long time. I take in other peoples emotional energy much more than the average person).  Add these two things together and you get a tough situation.

I have been struggling with the depression since the beginning of the year.  It's better now, but I am still having my struggles.  Much of this is related to work right now.  So, here's the trouble with trauma.  When something happens at my current workplace that  resembles the things that happened before, I have major emotional flashbacks.  I get so overwhelmed with the emotion I can barely function.  And this scares me, a lot.  And so, I try really hard to leave a lot of myself at the door of work.  The part of me that reacts to things this way.  The sensitive part of me.  The empathetic and caring part of me.  Any part of me that feels at all vulnerable.

Oof, what and exhausting way to live.  And on top of that, I can't really leave part of me at the door.  So, practically what this looks like is pretending a lot.  Putting on a mask and being someone different than who I really am.  It's a vicious circle though.  The more I try to do this, the worse I feel and the worse I feel, the worse I feel and the more I try to do this.  And ultimately it makes me hate my workplace for things that aren't even happening there.  I start to feel like it is the old situation all over again, when that is not true.

So, how to break the cycle?  How to convince myself that the trauma is old and that the current situation is not the same?  How to remember that I survived that trauma and did the best I could?  How to remember that I am different now?  I know things I didn't know then?  I have treatment for depression?  These are the questions my counselor asked me and questions to which I don't seem to have any answers right now.  And yet, I need to find some answers.  If I can't figure this out, no matter what job I am at, this will happen.  Sigh.  Trauma is nasty stuff.

This and That

I have a couple of  things in my head I want to write about, and I can't find a theme between them, so here is the disjointed post.

A couple of weeks ago I had an interesting experience.  I ran into someone from my group therapy while I was out with my mom and my nephews.  It is the first time I have run into someone from there since the group ended last December.  I didn't really know what would happen.  I happened to see the woman from a ways off and was curious to see when we got closer to each other.  When she came closer I looked in her direction and smiled.  She didn't look at me at all.  It was obvious that she knew I was there and that she was making a point of making it seem like she didn't see me and didn't know me.  It was interesting to be that intentionally ignored.

Today is the one year anniversary of the big flood that affected so many people last year.  And, it has been raining here all week. It really is a city on edge right now.  High rivers, run-off and some flooding is a pretty common occurrence in June.  Major devastating flooding is not common.  We've all been keeping an eye on the rivers this month.  A few towns have been affected this year, but so far, nothing really out of the ordinary. But, the tension is certainly there.  I notice myself having a lot of conversations about last year.  I think as a city we are all processing it all over again.  I feel for the people who were affected last year as I can imagine that their anxiety of the rivers this year must be high.

Mental health is so important to me.  I hope that the conversations are helpful to all of us.  I hope that the people who need more assistance are getting what they need. This is a tough situation.  It was an event that affected everyone in this city, whether they were directly affected or not.  It was an event that we will not forget any time soon.  

I like what our city government is doing.  They have declared tomorrow neighbour day in an effort to celebrate the amazing response to the flood.  They are encouraging people to have BBQ's, block parties etc... to celebrate their neighbours and communities.  It's pretty cool.

Trauma and Strength

I was cleaning out my spare room today and I came across a box that was still taped up from my move 6 years ago.  It said memories on the top, so I thought it would be pretty tame.  I was wrong.  Inside I find a bunch of stuff that was obviously hastily packed.  A bunch of stuff from my last workplace, before I moved to a different city.

I did not have a good experience at that workplace, and I still carry around a lot of trauma from it.  When I first opened the box and saw what it all was, I has a major dose of anxiety.  At first I  figured I would just throw everything out and not have to deal with it, ever again.  As the day progressed though, I realized that I couldn't just throw the physical reminders away and never have to deal again.  The strong reaction I had, told me that there is still a lot of emotional turmoil.

I also am stronger and better equipped to deal with the trauma than I was 6 years ago.  So, I dug in.  I made myself look at the stuff I had found.  It was hard to start, but as I got going it wasn't as hard as I expected.  It was still tough and anxiety provoking to be sure, and some of that is still rattling around in me. It did make me realize how much more I can handle now than I could then.

A couple of things out of this.  The first is to remember that I can handle a lot of things that I might at first think that I can't.  The other thing is I am more able to give myself a break for staying in a toxic situation for way too long.

Fragility

Recently a friend told me that he feels vulnerable telling people he has depressiom because of the stigma. I get that. Feeling vulnerable makes me feel fragile. When I think about it there is something bigger than stigma that makes me feel vulnerable though. That is the fragility of feeling ok.

For now I am feeling ok. But I know how quickly that can change. All it takes is a week or so of complacency about the things I know I need to do for my mental health.

The month of May I let those things go. I didn't take time to sort through my emtions and they piled up and then came crashing down on me. I didn't take time to write or think or just be. By the end of the month I was feeling pretty low. Actually not that low, but crazy anxious. The other sign that things were off the rails was the instant rage at silly things. Mainly road rage and sidewalk rage (on a regular week I walk more than I drive). For me this is generally difficult emotions coming out sideways.

For me, mental health is a fragile thing. Something to take a lot of care with.

Clara's Big Ride

I saw Clara Hughes in person this weekend as part of Clara's Big Ride.  For those who don't know, Clara Hughes is one of Canada's most decorated Olympians, winning multiple medals in both the summer (cycling) and winter (long-track speed skating) Olympics.  She is also a HUGE advocate for mental health.  She is currently riding her bike around Canada to raise awareness for mental health and to help end the stigma associated with it.

I would have liked to have met her at the event, but there just wasn't enough time.  I started though to think about what I would like to say to her if (and hopefully when) I get to talk to her in person.  What would I say to this person who in some ways in bigger than life, but in other ways is out there sharing her struggle with depression, talking about the 2 years she could hardly get out of bed.

At the beginning of the event there was a video talking about how mental illness doesn't discriminate.  At the end a bunch of different people came on and said "I could be one of them" and then Clara Hughes was very last saying "I am one of them".  At that point I wanted to stand up and cheer and say "Me too".  You see, the thing about depression is that it can be totally isolating, make you feel like garbage and like no one out there understands.  Connection is so important.

So here is this woman in front of a gym full of people, and by all counts up to about 50,000 people by that point in the ride, saying that yes, she struggles.  Here is this larger than life person, who was at the top of the athletic world, saying shortly thereafter she couldn't get out of bed.  Here was this person saying that she too struggles with some of the things I struggle with.  Rarely has anything made me feel so brave about my struggles.  Rarely has anything made my want to help that much.  Rarely has anything made me feel so much like it's ok to have this illness.  It's ok to talk about it.  And, I already talk about it, even though it is hard.

I  wonder how many people she has reached who are too scared to talk about it.  I wonder how many people have been able to use this ride to start a conversation with someone that they otherwise would not have known how to?  I believe she is doing a good thing.  She is opening up doors for conversation and help that were not there before.  She is inspiring people to know that help exists and that there is another way, other than the suffering.

And so, what would I say to her?  All this and more.  I would love to talk about her experience, what it's like to be the face of mental health for Bell Let's Talk.  I would love to just have a conversation about life, about my experience too.  In the mean time, I will have this conversation with the people in my life.  I will use the energy I found at her event, the connection I felt to move forward in my life.

Thank you Clara Hughes and team for making this ride happen.  Thank you for raising awareness and giving people a sense of connection and hope.