Good enough

This post is inspired by an email conversation I have been having with a friend.

I've been thinking about why it is that some people are so susceptible to believing what other people say about them?  I know for so long, I took in every insult, every barb, every poke, and I believed them.  Where does that start?  I have no idea.  I must have been in elementary school, I think.  I don't really remember a time when those kinds of comments didn't have a profound impact on how I felt about myself.  We say that kids are cruel, but really I would say that people can be cruel.

The other thing I know is that thinking I am not good enough and depression are decidedly a vicious circle and they feed each other, making the whole situation worse.  Comments that might not bother someone without depression, were the end of the world for me and continued the downward spiral.  I also had no way to cope with this, which just made me feel worse about myself.  When I couldn't get along with people, I blamed myself wholly.  When someone said something negative about me, I blamed myself wholly.  Why, you might ask?  Lots of reasons, but depression was probably the biggest contributing factor.

And now?  Where am I with this?  I have learned a lot about me, and about other people lately.  I know that sometimes I make mistakes, or do things that hurt other people.  Usually not intentionally, but that doesn't matter in the end.  I've learned that often we try to make other people hurt because we are hurting.  I've learned that stating my own needs and wants, and taking up my space in the world are two things I can do to keep the comments down.  I've learned that I don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour towards me.  I can address it, or leave the situation, as long as I choose my reaction.  Just internalizing it, is not going to help me out.

Lots of ramblings.  It feels like there is no real conclusion here, so you'll just have to take it for what it is, thinking through things.