Tough night

The counselor who suggested that I go to group therapy warned me that it was not for the faint of heart. She was right.  Tonight was tough.  Figuring out your emotions, or changing your relationship with your emotions, is hard. It means really trying to be aware of what is going on inside you, of what you feel and what you think.  I hit a tough spot with some emotions today.

Joy, Peace, Happiness

At the end of this week I had a moment where life was good, pure good. I felt joy, peace and happiness all at once.  These are emotions that were foreign to me for so long.  People would talk about them and I thought I understood.  But really I had no idea.  My idea at the time of a happy time was one where I was ok enough to smile.  Basically not horrible days were good days for me.

Now, when something happens and I feel so good, it's amazing and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  These moments were missing in my life for years.  I can hardly believe that they are part of my life now.  For me, it takes courage to let myself stay in those moments, to enjoy, to feel good.  In order to feel the good, you have to feel the bad.  When you feel the bad, you can show cracks in your armour, and people might take advantage of that.  At least this was my thought process.  The trick is to realize that there are cracks in my armour, I am not perfect, and I don't need to be.  If people take advantage of my vulnerabilities, then it's up to me to decide how to react to that.  I don't have to let them "win".

I'm going to continue letting myself feel whatever I feel.  It's the only way to really feel alive.

Risk

Tonight at group therapy we were talking about risk taking.  Changing habits, changing coping mechanisms, changing patterns is scary.  Even when we know that the way we do things isn't healthy.

It dawned on me tonight how much this blog has helped me learn to take some of those risks.  When I started writing it I really wanted to find a way to articulate what was going on with me.  The only way to do that is to be honest and take some risks.  It was so hard to tell people about the blog, to let people see how much I was struggling.  I am so grateful to have done it though.  There are so many things that I have either found a way through, or risked telling people at all.  This has been huge in my process of healing.

I can see when I go to group that talking about a number of things doesn't feel risky to me, anymore.  I have worked hard to be ok with so many things about myself and so telling them isn't so bad.  Exploring some of my actions and reactions in a group setting is hard, but not as hard as it once would have been.

My place

I was doing some writing tonight (that I can't put on the internet) and came up with a line that really struck me.

Being me and finding my place in the world, instead of finding a place and being whoever I need to to make it work.

This is exactly what I have been striving for in my journey to learn to live with depression.  In some ways I am there, in others I have a long way to go.  Today I feel like the journey is important and worthwhile.

Covering old ground

It's been a tough weekend in may ways.  I was thinking the other day about what I want in life and the old thought of "who am I to deserve to want anything?" came to mind again.  It would be ok if it was only a thought, but it is not.  I thought I was finished with this idea.  Guess not.  I find myself feeling completely insecure again and so unsure of myself.  I'm not entirely sure why or where this is coming from.  Work to do.

The World in Shades of Grey

Not long ago I would have told you about many absolutes in my life, many things that were black and white. But, recently, more and more I have been finding myself in situations where those absolutes don't work.  I try to make decisions on the absolutes and I am unable to.

I remember often feeling like there must be more to the world than some of the black and white around.  Yet, I was running so hard from who I was, hiding my true self so much, and so scared that it might get revealed, even to me, that I bought into the absolutes.  Or at least I convinced myself I did.

It's scary to start to see that a lot of things I believed were true, no longer seem true to me.  The absolutes are things to base my life on, a foundation.  It feels like my foundation is gone, or pretty much.  I don't really know where I stand, or what is true anymore.  The one thing I do know I guess is that living with absolutes that don't fit who I really am is worse than this completely unsettled feeling I have now.  I have an opportunity to figure out what I want to base my life on.  What really is important to me and what I believe to  be true.  Scary, unsettling.  But in the end, the only way I can see to go forward without going back into my hiding place, and I don't want to do that.

Themes

Day 2 of group therapy was better.  I was way less anxious, and I even dared say a few things.  Nothing too personal, but still, I did talk.  And, I'm able to write about some learnings so that is also a good sign.l

I was struck tonight that no matter who we are, or how we got to be in the group, or what contexts we face so many of the themes are the same. Self-worth, self-care, feeling trapped, being stuck, the consequences of being in survival mode, not knowing how to constructively say what we feel, not feeling like we can stand up for ourselves, sacrificing our own needs and wants for other people.

Funny, because I know all of these.  I have, and am still, working on how all of these things are a part of my life.  Where to find the balance between the parts of me that care for other people, and yet not sacrificing myself to care about them.  It's a challenge for me.

Playing by the Rules... or Not

I have spent so much of my life playing by the rules.  Never taking risks, being afraid of the potential for things to go wrong.  Feeling like I never fit in anywhere.  Feeling my soul shriveling day by day.

Sometimes the rules are stupid.  Sometimes the rules make sense for some people and not for others.  Sometimes not risking doing things differently has far greater consequences that taking a risk and having things go wrong.  Playing by other peoples rules led me to a place where I wanted to end my own life.  It led me to a place where I could never see things getting better.  And I always, always felt like it wasn't really me.  And so now, I need to find my own rules.  I need to take the risks I need to take.  I need to judge myself on trying, rather than on results.  Risk comes with potential upside and downside.  I understand that.  Making my own rules is important.  Taking risks is important for me to feel whole.  Being myself, my whole self really matters.

I'm overwhelmed by the freedom of this revelation, and scared by the possibilities.  It won't always be easy.   But, feeling on the outside of things and not really understanding why is not easy either.  At least if I can better understand what I need and want, I can choose to be on the outside, instead of being unhappy about it.

Rough evening and growth

Tonight I feel pretty low.  I'm pretty sure it's an after effect of too much anxiety this week.  Between starting group therapy, having a mouse in my place, and some stress at work, my brain just can't cope anymore.  Well, and the fact that I am still new at coping with these things in a healthy way, instead of my old coping mechanisms.  It's moments like this that leave me feeling weak, fragile and fallible.  I'm struggling to think of good ways to cope, and ways to be gentle with myself.

Rationally I know it's now as bad as it used to be, but sadly I don't feel that way.  Instead of wallowing, I did some yoga, I'm writing a blog and I will do some personal writing after I write this.  These are things I wouldn't have done before.  So, I will hold onto the hope that I have learned some things and can handle this, and handle it in a good way.  For now, some writing.

Afterwards

Well, I survived my first group therapy session.  It was interesting.  There are a total of 6 women in the group, plus the psychologist as the facilitator.  I didn't say much this week.  Takes a bit to learn the unwritten rules of a group.  But, I'll get there.  Everyone is there for their own reasons.  Some have been there a relatively short time, others for a few years.

My experience of it?  Anxiety is the only good word to use.  I was anxious the whole time I was there and have been anxious ever since.  I know this will be good for me in the end, but it is rather scary in the mean time.  Who knows what I will discover about myself?