I've been thinking a lot tonight about the hard stuff in life. We all have things in our lives that are hard. So often it seems to me that other people take all this stuff in stride and I can't. I so often find myself overwhelmed at things that, at least from the outside, seem like no big deal to the people around me. For so long I pretended that I was fine, that I wasn't affected, like things were no big deal.
I know now that for me there are a lot of things that are a big deal. A lot of things that are just hard for me. Maybe they are hard for other people too, but they manage to put on a brave face. Or maybe they really aren't affected. Either way, I need to experience my life the way I experience it.
I am sensitive to things that go on in the world. The cruelty that is in the news all the time is pretty hard for me to handle, so I ignore a lot of it. Not because I don't care, but because I care so much it almost takes me in. I do have bouts of loneliness, depression, sadness. I do take on other peoples emotions more than other people seem to. It's all a part of being me. The truth is that coming to terms with this makes things easier. I am finding ways to experience my life, instead of judging myself for reactions that seem to be out of line with other peoples.
What I can see is that the judgement on my reactions was me being mean to myself. I would chastise myself for feeling a certain way because I thought I shouldn't feel that way. But I did anyhow, I do anyhow. By letting go of the judgement I am able to be more me, more connected to my emotions. I am starting to see some of the things I mentioned above as strengths instead of weaknesses.
I am compassion, I have empathy. I am sensitive to peoples energy and I'm learning to be sensitive to my own.
Monday 16 December 2013
Saturday 14 December 2013
The end and the beginning
Group therapy ended this week. The facilitator retired from running therapy groups. The last night was actually more of a relief than anything. There has been so much talk about this end and so much made of the end that in a lot of ways it was nice to actually say good-bye.
On one hand, something in me feels like I should be sad or something. But, I'm not. I'm a bit anxious, but I'll get to that in a minute. It's over and I'm ok with that. When the facilitator announced in August she was ending the group I was wondering how on earth we were going to say good-bye for a few months. She said though that she thought it was important to really deconstruct the good-bye and how we handle endings. We've talked a lot about this ending in the last few months. She also said that in order to move on, it's important to have a clean good-bye, with nothing really lingering and was hoping this could happen with the group. I think that maybe that's why I'm not feeling sad about it. I've had a lot of time to process what it means and how I felt about it. I had lots of time to tell the other people what it was I needed to say to them. It doesn't feel like there is anything important that is lingering. I doubted her strategy at the beginning, but now I can see the value in it. I hope I can keep that learning in mind the next time there is some kind of ending in my life.
I am a bit anxious though, but for other reasons. I have been in some kind of psychological treatment for the better part of the last 7 years, and now I am not. At all. This feels like an important step in my recovery from depression. I'm sure the medications are doing a lot to keep me level, but finding ways to live without the safety net of therapy feels important too. I at least have to try for a while and see. I know where to find help if I need it and I will do so. But for now, I want to be me, therapy free.
This feels like a new beginning for me. I have spent the last 3 years working pretty intensively on learning to manage my mental illness. Learning to make choices to help me to be healthy. Learning a lot of ways to be connected to my emotions and to be real and authentic with myself and with others. I see the fruits of all the hard work in so many aspects of my life. And so, here begins a new step in my life. I'm anxious and excited all at the same time.
On one hand, something in me feels like I should be sad or something. But, I'm not. I'm a bit anxious, but I'll get to that in a minute. It's over and I'm ok with that. When the facilitator announced in August she was ending the group I was wondering how on earth we were going to say good-bye for a few months. She said though that she thought it was important to really deconstruct the good-bye and how we handle endings. We've talked a lot about this ending in the last few months. She also said that in order to move on, it's important to have a clean good-bye, with nothing really lingering and was hoping this could happen with the group. I think that maybe that's why I'm not feeling sad about it. I've had a lot of time to process what it means and how I felt about it. I had lots of time to tell the other people what it was I needed to say to them. It doesn't feel like there is anything important that is lingering. I doubted her strategy at the beginning, but now I can see the value in it. I hope I can keep that learning in mind the next time there is some kind of ending in my life.
I am a bit anxious though, but for other reasons. I have been in some kind of psychological treatment for the better part of the last 7 years, and now I am not. At all. This feels like an important step in my recovery from depression. I'm sure the medications are doing a lot to keep me level, but finding ways to live without the safety net of therapy feels important too. I at least have to try for a while and see. I know where to find help if I need it and I will do so. But for now, I want to be me, therapy free.
This feels like a new beginning for me. I have spent the last 3 years working pretty intensively on learning to manage my mental illness. Learning to make choices to help me to be healthy. Learning a lot of ways to be connected to my emotions and to be real and authentic with myself and with others. I see the fruits of all the hard work in so many aspects of my life. And so, here begins a new step in my life. I'm anxious and excited all at the same time.
Monday 9 December 2013
Black Dog
There are many ways to describe depression out there. Some I find useful, some not so much. Here is one way that really struck home with me, brought me to tears actually as it was so familiar. Definitely worth the few minutes to watch the video.
http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it?g=2&c=upw1
http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it?g=2&c=upw1
Tuesday 3 December 2013
Good-bye
Group tonight was interesting and challenging. It started as per normal and then about 2/3 of the way through it one lady announces she can't make it next week, the last week before the group ends. So then all of a sudden things take a complete 90 degree turn. Understandably for sure, but I felt a bit hi-jacked by the fact that she waited that long to tell us.
So now my mind is going in all sorts of directions. I know my tendency with good-byes is to pick a fight first so that I can walk away angry, instead of dealing with whatever emotions I actually have about it. So, am I feeling annoyed by the timing of her announcement just so I can be angry and not sad that I am likely never going to see her again? Maybe, but I feel sad also.
I'm also anxious about next week as I am not sure I have it in me to say good-bye for 1.5 hours. To manage the emotion of that. I expect it will waffle between sadness and frustration.
So, how exactly do I feel about group ending? In some ways I am relieved. Over 4 months of saying good-bye has been a lot. In some ways good to get a better feel for how I normally end things, but also a lot. Also, in the last while I am really starting to feel like the value I am getting out of going is not enough to compensate for the money I am paying to be there. Again, maybe a way of making things easier.
But, I also know that I was thinking of leaving in the coming spring sometime. I have gained a lot from being there and I'm sure if it were continuing I would gain more, but it does seem to be that the amount I am gaining is slowing a lot. Do I feel ready to brave the world without the safety net of therapy? Maybe. I am not overly anxious as I write this, and that is usually a sign for me that I am ok with things. So it does seem like it is time to try on my own. Well, not really on my own, but without the professional safety net.
I know in the last while I have been trying to harder to rely on the people in my life when I need to sort through things. That will have to continue as I go forward. I hope I will be ok. I hope that I am able to ask for help when I need it. I hope that the people around me will keep an eye on me.
So now my mind is going in all sorts of directions. I know my tendency with good-byes is to pick a fight first so that I can walk away angry, instead of dealing with whatever emotions I actually have about it. So, am I feeling annoyed by the timing of her announcement just so I can be angry and not sad that I am likely never going to see her again? Maybe, but I feel sad also.
I'm also anxious about next week as I am not sure I have it in me to say good-bye for 1.5 hours. To manage the emotion of that. I expect it will waffle between sadness and frustration.
So, how exactly do I feel about group ending? In some ways I am relieved. Over 4 months of saying good-bye has been a lot. In some ways good to get a better feel for how I normally end things, but also a lot. Also, in the last while I am really starting to feel like the value I am getting out of going is not enough to compensate for the money I am paying to be there. Again, maybe a way of making things easier.
But, I also know that I was thinking of leaving in the coming spring sometime. I have gained a lot from being there and I'm sure if it were continuing I would gain more, but it does seem to be that the amount I am gaining is slowing a lot. Do I feel ready to brave the world without the safety net of therapy? Maybe. I am not overly anxious as I write this, and that is usually a sign for me that I am ok with things. So it does seem like it is time to try on my own. Well, not really on my own, but without the professional safety net.
I know in the last while I have been trying to harder to rely on the people in my life when I need to sort through things. That will have to continue as I go forward. I hope I will be ok. I hope that I am able to ask for help when I need it. I hope that the people around me will keep an eye on me.
Saturday 30 November 2013
Stigma
I realized something about me and stigma the other day. I was talking to a co-worker. I know her well enough, but we don't often talk about really personal things. In the course of the conversation I said something about the anti-depressants I am taking. It just came out before I had a chance to think about it, filter it or worry about what her reaction would be.
Not so long ago there is no way I would have said this to her. While rationally I knew that the stigma around mental illness and depression is only that stigma, emotionally I didn't really believe it. Actually, as I write this I realize that I am still not 100% there. On some level I still feel weak, I still feel like there is something I could do to make this better. I still have trouble accepting depression as an illness. I still have trouble accepting me, all of me, the way I am. I'm not sure I have ever admitted this out loud before. Amazing what writing will make me realize.
This is not where I was expecting this post to go. Instead of the good news story I was prepared to write about, I now have something I need to sort through. This realization has left me very anxious - which is my usual emotion when I don't know how to handle something, when I don't know the outcome. I have learned in the last 3 years however, that these moments are not the end of things, but the beginning. Admitting to the things that are hard for me usually is the start of coming to terms with them.
There is a good news story out of this though. Firstly, I am more comfortable with me than I used to be. This is evidenced by the conversation I had the other day. Secondly, my own beliefs about depression are out in the open now. I can start to face them instead of having them buried and coming out sideways.
Not so long ago there is no way I would have said this to her. While rationally I knew that the stigma around mental illness and depression is only that stigma, emotionally I didn't really believe it. Actually, as I write this I realize that I am still not 100% there. On some level I still feel weak, I still feel like there is something I could do to make this better. I still have trouble accepting depression as an illness. I still have trouble accepting me, all of me, the way I am. I'm not sure I have ever admitted this out loud before. Amazing what writing will make me realize.
This is not where I was expecting this post to go. Instead of the good news story I was prepared to write about, I now have something I need to sort through. This realization has left me very anxious - which is my usual emotion when I don't know how to handle something, when I don't know the outcome. I have learned in the last 3 years however, that these moments are not the end of things, but the beginning. Admitting to the things that are hard for me usually is the start of coming to terms with them.
There is a good news story out of this though. Firstly, I am more comfortable with me than I used to be. This is evidenced by the conversation I had the other day. Secondly, my own beliefs about depression are out in the open now. I can start to face them instead of having them buried and coming out sideways.
Saturday 23 November 2013
Wishing
Some friends of mine got married today. I am so happy for them. But, it makes me sad for me. For the most part I am ok with being single, but there are times when it is hard to take.
I think about how long it's been since I had a date. How long it's been since I've even felt interest in anyone. It's a side of my life that I often wish was different. Coming out was hard, but it seems that meeting single lesbian women is also hard, for me anyhow. It's pretty tiring to be out meeting new people all the time. It's tiring to go to big social events. And, these are the only ways I seem to be able to meet lesbian women. Maybe there are other ways? Not that I am aware of.
I've always said that I am ok being single and I would rather be single than in a bad relationship. The second part is certainly still true. A lot of the time being single is also fine, but there are certainly moments. Some days I wonder what is wrong with me and why I can't meet people. Other days I can see it more objectively and know that it is just circumstantial.
I know that I have changed a lot in the last few years. I know that what I am looking for in a partner is very different from what it used to be (the coming out aside). I feel like I am better equipped for a relationship now than I have ever been. I am certainly more in tune with who I am, what matters to me and what I am interested in. Maybe it'll happen some day. You never know.
I think about how long it's been since I had a date. How long it's been since I've even felt interest in anyone. It's a side of my life that I often wish was different. Coming out was hard, but it seems that meeting single lesbian women is also hard, for me anyhow. It's pretty tiring to be out meeting new people all the time. It's tiring to go to big social events. And, these are the only ways I seem to be able to meet lesbian women. Maybe there are other ways? Not that I am aware of.
I've always said that I am ok being single and I would rather be single than in a bad relationship. The second part is certainly still true. A lot of the time being single is also fine, but there are certainly moments. Some days I wonder what is wrong with me and why I can't meet people. Other days I can see it more objectively and know that it is just circumstantial.
I know that I have changed a lot in the last few years. I know that what I am looking for in a partner is very different from what it used to be (the coming out aside). I feel like I am better equipped for a relationship now than I have ever been. I am certainly more in tune with who I am, what matters to me and what I am interested in. Maybe it'll happen some day. You never know.
Friday 15 November 2013
Worn down
Work this week has worn me down. Too much of a lot of things. None of them on their own would have been any big deal, but there were just too many of them for me to manage. It scares me when I feel so overwhelmed. A bad week and the slide to depression feel the same. Rationally I know that bad weeks are normal and that they will just happen. Emotionally this is hard to internalize.
Monday 11 November 2013
Remembrance Day
Today is Remembrance Day in Canada and a similar kind of day in so many other countries. It is a day we remember those who have fought in wars to keep our part of the world free and safe. This freedom hasn't come without a cost. I've always known this but this year it is striking home a little bit more.
I have recently been getting to know 2 Army veterans (both in their 40's), both medically released because of mental health injuries from deployments. I am really starting to see how the experiences they had affect them, and will forever. There is no full recovery, only ways to be better, manage and hopefully move on. The treatments they have will help them manage the symptoms of their illnesses. Funny how when things become more personal they affect us more.
Thinking of the sacrifices makes me sad. It makes me sad to live in a world where war seems to be the only answer. Where violence is so prevalent that more violence is the only way to combat it. Where crazy people somehow get to be in charge and affect the lives of so many people. Where dictators kill their own citizens. Where people lay down their lives to procure freedom for others. Where we seem to forget that those that come back alive still have seen some terrible things. Where we honour sports players and movie stars with tonnes of money and veterans are homeless, often due to their injuries. Where we notice the physical injuries and do what we can to accommodate them, but the invisible injuries not so much.
Today I remember all those who fought for the freedom and safety I have today. I honour all those who believe that this matters and are willing to give everything they have, including their own lives to protect it.
I have recently been getting to know 2 Army veterans (both in their 40's), both medically released because of mental health injuries from deployments. I am really starting to see how the experiences they had affect them, and will forever. There is no full recovery, only ways to be better, manage and hopefully move on. The treatments they have will help them manage the symptoms of their illnesses. Funny how when things become more personal they affect us more.
Thinking of the sacrifices makes me sad. It makes me sad to live in a world where war seems to be the only answer. Where violence is so prevalent that more violence is the only way to combat it. Where crazy people somehow get to be in charge and affect the lives of so many people. Where dictators kill their own citizens. Where people lay down their lives to procure freedom for others. Where we seem to forget that those that come back alive still have seen some terrible things. Where we honour sports players and movie stars with tonnes of money and veterans are homeless, often due to their injuries. Where we notice the physical injuries and do what we can to accommodate them, but the invisible injuries not so much.
Today I remember all those who fought for the freedom and safety I have today. I honour all those who believe that this matters and are willing to give everything they have, including their own lives to protect it.
Sunday 10 November 2013
Negativity
Where to start? I have been struggling again of late with all the negativity around me. Part of being me is to feel others emotions along with them. In many circles this type of person is called an empath and I am starting to see that I am one of them.
Part of my healing process has been to recognize what is my emotion and what emotion belongs to other people. I am getting better at this.
Lately though I notice that all the negativity around me is creeping in more than I would like it to. Truth is that I find it very overwhelming when this happens. There is a lot of negativity in the world in general, lots at work of late and other things that are not appropriate to describe in a public forum. I am really taking it all in. I am having a hard time coping with it and letting it go.
It scares me when things start to get this overwhelming. It feels way too much like when things were bad. It feels like the precarious balance I think I have found in my life is not there after all.
Part of my healing process has been to recognize what is my emotion and what emotion belongs to other people. I am getting better at this.
Lately though I notice that all the negativity around me is creeping in more than I would like it to. Truth is that I find it very overwhelming when this happens. There is a lot of negativity in the world in general, lots at work of late and other things that are not appropriate to describe in a public forum. I am really taking it all in. I am having a hard time coping with it and letting it go.
It scares me when things start to get this overwhelming. It feels way too much like when things were bad. It feels like the precarious balance I think I have found in my life is not there after all.
Tuesday 22 October 2013
Safety Net
Tonight at group we were talking about group ending... that is coming faster than I thought it would. 7 sessions left. I was talking about how I am scared about what happens afterward and will I be ok. It feels like a bit step for me. For a long time now I have had a safety net. Psychologists, counselling, group etc... have been the place where I talk about things that are hard to talk about. A place where I didn't worry about whether or not the person listening wanted to hear what I was talking about. A place where nothing was taboo, things didn't need to be politically correct and I could explore.
The leader of the group asked me if my friends felt like a safety net. My answer was, sort of. For some topics yes, for others not so much. I also said that often it feels like my friends want to fix the problem, rather than listen to what I am saying. But, it also occurred to me to think that maybe I haven't ever really asked. I haven't asked people if they are willing to be that place for me. The space where I can talk about the hard stuff. The space where I can talk about things that I think people don't want to talk about. I have refrained from talking about so many things with friends because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. I am afraid of what some of the hard stuff will do to them.
The truth is that there have been people offer and I haven't taken them up on it. I"m scared. Scared to let people that care about me and that I care about see all my hurts. Scared of rejection, scared of letting people see my lose it. I am so used to feeling the pain in private, that I forget that pain and hurt shared can often make it lighter. When I think about the number of friends that have seen me cry about my life (movies are different) it makes me sad. I don't let people see that side of me very often.
And so, no my friends don't feel like a safety net. But, in so many cases I have never given them the chance. And so, here I am asking. I am asking my friends, family and blog family to be my safety net. To provide me with the place where I can talk about hard stuff. To tell me if I am in territory that is too much for you. To tell me that it is ok to keep going, to keep talking. I expect that no one can be the whole safety net, but each person can provide part of it. Parts will overlap and there may be some holes. But hopefully it will exist, and even more importantly hopefully I will have the courage to use it.
The leader of the group asked me if my friends felt like a safety net. My answer was, sort of. For some topics yes, for others not so much. I also said that often it feels like my friends want to fix the problem, rather than listen to what I am saying. But, it also occurred to me to think that maybe I haven't ever really asked. I haven't asked people if they are willing to be that place for me. The space where I can talk about the hard stuff. The space where I can talk about things that I think people don't want to talk about. I have refrained from talking about so many things with friends because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. I am afraid of what some of the hard stuff will do to them.
The truth is that there have been people offer and I haven't taken them up on it. I"m scared. Scared to let people that care about me and that I care about see all my hurts. Scared of rejection, scared of letting people see my lose it. I am so used to feeling the pain in private, that I forget that pain and hurt shared can often make it lighter. When I think about the number of friends that have seen me cry about my life (movies are different) it makes me sad. I don't let people see that side of me very often.
And so, no my friends don't feel like a safety net. But, in so many cases I have never given them the chance. And so, here I am asking. I am asking my friends, family and blog family to be my safety net. To provide me with the place where I can talk about hard stuff. To tell me if I am in territory that is too much for you. To tell me that it is ok to keep going, to keep talking. I expect that no one can be the whole safety net, but each person can provide part of it. Parts will overlap and there may be some holes. But hopefully it will exist, and even more importantly hopefully I will have the courage to use it.
Monday 14 October 2013
Thanksgiving
Today is Thanksgiving Day. It is a day when folks generally take extra care to remember the things they are thankful for. So, I got to thinking about that as well. The biggest thing I am thankful for is feeling alive. The numbness is gone. The not caring, not knowing how to survive every day is gone. Feeling like my life was not worth living is gone. I am thankful to know that there is a different way to live. I can see now how much my illness was controlling my life. Now, it is a part of my life, but in a way that is manageable.
I am also thankful for all of the people who have, and continue to support me. Many of you will read this. Some won't. I don't know where I would be without you.
I am also thankful for all of the people who have, and continue to support me. Many of you will read this. Some won't. I don't know where I would be without you.
Wednesday 9 October 2013
A picture speaks 1000 words
This infographic is great. It really gives a good synopsis of what depression is and some ways to treat it. The sources is at the bottom. I wanted to share this as it certainly describes some parts of the journey I am on. I hope maybe it will help others as well.
Thursday 3 October 2013
Heavy
Do you ever have those days when it just seems like everything in life is heavy? I'm having one of those days today. Lots of talk about death, sickness, crime, murder etc... I am know I am sensitive to these things and they affect me a lot. When there is too much of it, it is hard for me to handle. These are all parts of life I know, but today feels like a lot.
I am noticing a difference in me though, compared to a different time in my life. At one point this kind of heaviness would have caused me to completely shut down and not let myself feel anything. Today I am having trouble with the intensity of the emotion and how to manage that.
What it does show me though is that I am connected to my emotions, I am in my life instead of watching it from a place of numbness. This is what I have been aiming for throughout the last few years. My goal has never been to feel good all the time. That's totally unrealistic. My goal though has been to experience life instead of shutting it out. I am doing that today. It's hard, partly because it is hard, and partly because it is not something I am used to doing. But, the point is, I am doing it.
Today feels heavy, but at least it feels something at all.
I am noticing a difference in me though, compared to a different time in my life. At one point this kind of heaviness would have caused me to completely shut down and not let myself feel anything. Today I am having trouble with the intensity of the emotion and how to manage that.
What it does show me though is that I am connected to my emotions, I am in my life instead of watching it from a place of numbness. This is what I have been aiming for throughout the last few years. My goal has never been to feel good all the time. That's totally unrealistic. My goal though has been to experience life instead of shutting it out. I am doing that today. It's hard, partly because it is hard, and partly because it is not something I am used to doing. But, the point is, I am doing it.
Today feels heavy, but at least it feels something at all.
Sunday 22 September 2013
Sad
This evening I feel sad. The last three years have been tough for me in a lot of ways. There has been a lot of good stuff come out of it. But, there also have been some bad stuff come out of it. I haven't been a good friend for sure and I know this has certainly affected some friendships. This makes me very sad. Today I long for the days when some of these friendships seemed so easy. I long for the days when I felt connected to certain people that I no longer feel connected to. I am sad.
Saturday 14 September 2013
Bigger things going on
Do you ever get the impression from people that there is something bigger going on than what they are telling you? It always makes me wonder why people won't just be honest up front and be done with it. Sometimes it hurts more in the short-run, but in the long-run it is better.
But, then I think about my own actions. I hate to hurt people, even when it is a consequence of doing the right thing. Even when there is nothing I can do to help it. So, sometimes I wimp out and try to soften the truth in order to not hurt someone else. I am trying to at least evaluate this before I do it to decide which way will do the least harm. Is dragging something out going to be easier? Depends on the situation.
The other reason I can see that people shy away from the truth, and me included, is that by telling the other person the truth, they would have to admit something to themselves that they don't want to. Pretending that things are ok, or minimizing things, is certainly one way to avoid things that are uncomfortable. I am pretty good at this. The thing I have learned is that for me, this doesn't do me any good in the long run.
Those things that I tend to avoid, have almost always come back to bite me. Again, sometimes not dealing with something right away is the right thing to do. But, I know that this needs to be a decision, not an automatic reaction. When it is an automatic reaction is feels more like denying that anything is going on, pretending things away. When it is a decision to put something aside, it is a choice. It is still an acknowledgement that it is there. It feels kinder to myself to say that yes something is going on, but now is not a good time to deal with it. For me, it stops the cycle of self-judgement about feeling the way I do, but keeps things manageable.
The other thing I know is that when I am able to admit that thing to myself, I am way less likely to take things out on other people. I can see better what is my role and what is theirs. I can address behaviour towards me and coming from me that I don't like, without overreacting. It is the hard way to do things, but in the end it is the kinder way. I am not perfect at it (and don't actually expect ever to be), but I am way better about being honest with myself than I used to be. This has improved my life and freed me in so many ways.
But, then I think about my own actions. I hate to hurt people, even when it is a consequence of doing the right thing. Even when there is nothing I can do to help it. So, sometimes I wimp out and try to soften the truth in order to not hurt someone else. I am trying to at least evaluate this before I do it to decide which way will do the least harm. Is dragging something out going to be easier? Depends on the situation.
The other reason I can see that people shy away from the truth, and me included, is that by telling the other person the truth, they would have to admit something to themselves that they don't want to. Pretending that things are ok, or minimizing things, is certainly one way to avoid things that are uncomfortable. I am pretty good at this. The thing I have learned is that for me, this doesn't do me any good in the long run.
Those things that I tend to avoid, have almost always come back to bite me. Again, sometimes not dealing with something right away is the right thing to do. But, I know that this needs to be a decision, not an automatic reaction. When it is an automatic reaction is feels more like denying that anything is going on, pretending things away. When it is a decision to put something aside, it is a choice. It is still an acknowledgement that it is there. It feels kinder to myself to say that yes something is going on, but now is not a good time to deal with it. For me, it stops the cycle of self-judgement about feeling the way I do, but keeps things manageable.
The other thing I know is that when I am able to admit that thing to myself, I am way less likely to take things out on other people. I can see better what is my role and what is theirs. I can address behaviour towards me and coming from me that I don't like, without overreacting. It is the hard way to do things, but in the end it is the kinder way. I am not perfect at it (and don't actually expect ever to be), but I am way better about being honest with myself than I used to be. This has improved my life and freed me in so many ways.
Monday 9 September 2013
Emotion
I was reading someone else's blog this evening and she was talking about Suicide Prevention Week this week. I wrote a comment on her blog to tell my story when I was so very close to it myself. Thinking about that day and the hopelessness, despair and isolation I felt still has the power to make me cry. It also makes me so sad to know what I did next. I went to work and carried on with my day like nothing had happened. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't know how to talk about it, I didn't know how to reach out for help. I only knew how to survive and barely at that.
I started this blog to help myself. It has turned into one of my greatest tools in my journey. Something happened recently that made it hard for me to write because I don't want to write about what happened in a public forum. I really missed being able to write a post when something was churning around in my brain. I am thankful to be able to write again, about other things.
I know this blog helps me. I hope that it helps others as I truly believe talking about difficult things can only help. The truth is though, even if this blog doesn't help anyone else, it keeps me going.
And so, I talk. I talk about depression, suicide, medications, hard days and good days. It's important. Of this I am sure.
I started this blog to help myself. It has turned into one of my greatest tools in my journey. Something happened recently that made it hard for me to write because I don't want to write about what happened in a public forum. I really missed being able to write a post when something was churning around in my brain. I am thankful to be able to write again, about other things.
I know this blog helps me. I hope that it helps others as I truly believe talking about difficult things can only help. The truth is though, even if this blog doesn't help anyone else, it keeps me going.
And so, I talk. I talk about depression, suicide, medications, hard days and good days. It's important. Of this I am sure.
Tuesday 3 September 2013
Who I am
I went on a date a little while ago. I got to thinking afterwards about why I wasn't interested. Part of it was that she was so interested in my coming out story. It's not that I mind telling it. It's just that it's not who I am. My story is a part of me, but I am so much more than that. For me, the same goes for depression. It is a part of who I am, but again I am so much more.
I spent some time this past weekend with some friends I met through the lesbian community. Some of what I like about them is that while we are all lesbian, it is not what we focus on. We talk about it sometimes and we talknabout other things. It is so lovely. (They might even recognize themselves in this post. If so, thanks so much). It is also why I like to have friends that are not gay. I think it is too easy to lose perspective otherwise. It's a big world out there.
I am not my illness either. For a while in the past few years it has taken up a lot of my energy as I work on recovering. I am bigger than that also. Now that things are getting better most of the time I am rediscovering myself. Yesterday I decided last minute to go to a football game and I rode my bike there That felt like the me of long ago. The me of some of my happier days. It was nice to feel that person coming back.
I am a whole person. My coming out story and my illness are part of what shapes me but they do not define me.
I spent some time this past weekend with some friends I met through the lesbian community. Some of what I like about them is that while we are all lesbian, it is not what we focus on. We talk about it sometimes and we talknabout other things. It is so lovely. (They might even recognize themselves in this post. If so, thanks so much). It is also why I like to have friends that are not gay. I think it is too easy to lose perspective otherwise. It's a big world out there.
I am not my illness either. For a while in the past few years it has taken up a lot of my energy as I work on recovering. I am bigger than that also. Now that things are getting better most of the time I am rediscovering myself. Yesterday I decided last minute to go to a football game and I rode my bike there That felt like the me of long ago. The me of some of my happier days. It was nice to feel that person coming back.
I am a whole person. My coming out story and my illness are part of what shapes me but they do not define me.
Monday 2 September 2013
When?
When did adulthood start to mean being so serious?
When did play have to be structured?
When did running a car along the carpet or chasing a friend around the yard stop being fun?
Or when did these things stop being acceptable?
When did living mean meeting other people's expectations?
Are they really others expectations?
Or are we all just pretending?
When did life become about being perfect?
When did living, being alive, learning and growing stop being the goal?
When did the small offenses become so big that they can end relationships?
When did saying I'm sorry stop working?
When did trust go away?
When did loving with abandon stop?
Why can't we just meet someone and call them our friend?
When did the fear start?
When did jumping into life with both feet, headlong without caution stop?
When did things get so hard?
When did the complexities of life become the focus?
When did I start giving up?
When did I start giving in?
When did I decide that who I am is not acceptable?
When did I decide that the world's expectations were more important?
When did I buy into the idea that being adult meant giving up the play?
When did I buy into the idea that I needed to behave a certain way, even though it is not who I am?
When will I give up?
When will I lay on my carpet with a toy car? or chase a friend around the yard?
When will I decide that I am enough just the way I am?
Will I ever decide that being adult doesn't have to mean being serious all the time?
Will I ever decide that play is important?
When will I learn that the only person I need to please is me?
When did play have to be structured?
When did running a car along the carpet or chasing a friend around the yard stop being fun?
Or when did these things stop being acceptable?
When did living mean meeting other people's expectations?
Are they really others expectations?
Or are we all just pretending?
When did life become about being perfect?
When did living, being alive, learning and growing stop being the goal?
When did the small offenses become so big that they can end relationships?
When did saying I'm sorry stop working?
When did trust go away?
When did loving with abandon stop?
Why can't we just meet someone and call them our friend?
When did the fear start?
When did jumping into life with both feet, headlong without caution stop?
When did things get so hard?
When did the complexities of life become the focus?
When did I start giving up?
When did I start giving in?
When did I decide that who I am is not acceptable?
When did I decide that the world's expectations were more important?
When did I buy into the idea that being adult meant giving up the play?
When did I buy into the idea that I needed to behave a certain way, even though it is not who I am?
When will I give up?
When will I lay on my carpet with a toy car? or chase a friend around the yard?
When will I decide that I am enough just the way I am?
Will I ever decide that being adult doesn't have to mean being serious all the time?
Will I ever decide that play is important?
When will I learn that the only person I need to please is me?
Wednesday 28 August 2013
Stigma and strength
Recently someone was being very critical of my journey the last few years. Essentially they were saying that I ended up with depression because I am weak, that there is something wrong with me, that I am useless. Nice hey? On the upside it really made me think about some things and that has been useful.
I started to wonder if I do believe some of the stigma out there about depression? Do I believe it is a weakness or do I believe it is an illness? Before I really started thinking about it, I would have said an illness, but I found something inside me that still believed some of the myths about depression. This part of me associates depression and shame. I didn't even know it was there truth be told.
Now it's out in the open and I can deal with it. That seems better. Shame is one of those things that grows better in the dark.
I've been thinking a lot about what I have faced and the work I have done in the last nearly 3 years. And I can see how far I've come. I can see how much strength and courage it took to face some things head on. I've dealt with some really hard things and come out the other side. I am not depressed anymore. This is helped by the anti-depressants for sure. I've also come to terms with so many hurts in my life. It's all been really tough. The thing is, I am stronger now. I have tools now. I am not perfect and certainly I am finding old habits die hard. But, I notice myself in those habits now and can recognize them for what they are.
The person who was criticizing me is wrong. Depression for me is about weakness, it's about strength. It's about having to make some difficult decisions when I was least equipped to do so. It's about facing a lot of the hurt and hard things in my life. It is about finding the strength I have to persevere. I am proud of where I am now. Sure, I'm still working on some things, but I doubt that will ever change.
I started to wonder if I do believe some of the stigma out there about depression? Do I believe it is a weakness or do I believe it is an illness? Before I really started thinking about it, I would have said an illness, but I found something inside me that still believed some of the myths about depression. This part of me associates depression and shame. I didn't even know it was there truth be told.
Now it's out in the open and I can deal with it. That seems better. Shame is one of those things that grows better in the dark.
I've been thinking a lot about what I have faced and the work I have done in the last nearly 3 years. And I can see how far I've come. I can see how much strength and courage it took to face some things head on. I've dealt with some really hard things and come out the other side. I am not depressed anymore. This is helped by the anti-depressants for sure. I've also come to terms with so many hurts in my life. It's all been really tough. The thing is, I am stronger now. I have tools now. I am not perfect and certainly I am finding old habits die hard. But, I notice myself in those habits now and can recognize them for what they are.
The person who was criticizing me is wrong. Depression for me is about weakness, it's about strength. It's about having to make some difficult decisions when I was least equipped to do so. It's about facing a lot of the hurt and hard things in my life. It is about finding the strength I have to persevere. I am proud of where I am now. Sure, I'm still working on some things, but I doubt that will ever change.
Tuesday 13 August 2013
Saying Good-bye
Tonight at group the facilitator announced that she will be closing the group at Christmas time. Ever since then I have been trying to figure out how I feel about it. Sad, kind of. Relieved also. Scared, anxious and nervous - yep.
Sad because it will be weird to be out of the lives of the people I see every week right now. Scared, anxious and nervous... this is one of the ways I currently use to work through things. It is one of the tools in my tool kit. It would be one thing if I had decided that I was ready to leave. But, the decision is being made for me.
Relieved. The thought has crossed my mind a couple of times to think about how I would know when it is time to leave the group. A few times of late when I have been there I have left feeling that there is so much emphasis on the bad things in life there. It's not that they don't happen, it's just that sometimes it feels like I am looking for something bad so that I have something to talk about. We talk a lot about emotions like anxiety, anger, sadness... but never really about joy, happiness. It's not bad, but I have been finding myself frustrated by it in some ways. I want to experience all that life has to offer, not just the tough stuff. But, the truth is I am not sure I will feel ready by December.
And so, I guess for me it is a mixed reaction.
Sad because it will be weird to be out of the lives of the people I see every week right now. Scared, anxious and nervous... this is one of the ways I currently use to work through things. It is one of the tools in my tool kit. It would be one thing if I had decided that I was ready to leave. But, the decision is being made for me.
Relieved. The thought has crossed my mind a couple of times to think about how I would know when it is time to leave the group. A few times of late when I have been there I have left feeling that there is so much emphasis on the bad things in life there. It's not that they don't happen, it's just that sometimes it feels like I am looking for something bad so that I have something to talk about. We talk a lot about emotions like anxiety, anger, sadness... but never really about joy, happiness. It's not bad, but I have been finding myself frustrated by it in some ways. I want to experience all that life has to offer, not just the tough stuff. But, the truth is I am not sure I will feel ready by December.
And so, I guess for me it is a mixed reaction.
Sunday 11 August 2013
A cool experience
A couple of days ago I was wandering around a funky area of my city with my mum, near where she grew up. We went into a furniture store. As we went into the basement, my mum started talking about having her wedding reception there. We were in the old Oddfellows and Rebekahs hall. Then she kept going, which was so cool. They couldn't have alcohol in the downstairs so the dance was in the basement and the drinking was upstairs. Turns out my granddad helped build the hall. The old wood floor is still there in the upstairs part. She talked about going there as a child to see Santa. I also remember going there as a child to see Santa.
My grandma was a Rebekah and my mum was one too. I've heard a number of stories about them, but the ones this week were new to me.
It was super awesome to hear my mum tell her stories and see her remembering some of the good times of her life. Those are the kinds of moments I cherish. They are spontaneous for sure. It's neat to hear about my mum's life and learn some history of my city. Thanks mum.
My grandma was a Rebekah and my mum was one too. I've heard a number of stories about them, but the ones this week were new to me.
It was super awesome to hear my mum tell her stories and see her remembering some of the good times of her life. Those are the kinds of moments I cherish. They are spontaneous for sure. It's neat to hear about my mum's life and learn some history of my city. Thanks mum.
Wednesday 7 August 2013
Anxiety
Lately I can feel myself obsessing over things. Thinking too much. Not being in the moment. I know this pattern well. It's a clear sign that things are off for me. But, this time I am starting to wonder if it is much habit as depression? I know that my meds are starting to work again, but I am not back to where I was. So, some of it certainly could be depression and anxiety as part of the illness. But, I also know that I am prone to obsessing and thinking too much.
It leads me to feel out of control and insecure, or maybe those things lead me to a lot of anxiety. Kind of a chicken and egg thing. Unfortunately it is also a vicious circle thing. The worse I feel, the more I try to control things, the more I obsess about things. The more I do this, the worse I feel about myself.
And so, where to go from here? I'm not sure. I hope that recognizing this pattern will help me find a way through. Not knowing is hard for me... out of control. I know that this is something I am going to have to come to terms with, so I guess I shall start now.
It leads me to feel out of control and insecure, or maybe those things lead me to a lot of anxiety. Kind of a chicken and egg thing. Unfortunately it is also a vicious circle thing. The worse I feel, the more I try to control things, the more I obsess about things. The more I do this, the worse I feel about myself.
And so, where to go from here? I'm not sure. I hope that recognizing this pattern will help me find a way through. Not knowing is hard for me... out of control. I know that this is something I am going to have to come to terms with, so I guess I shall start now.
Tuesday 23 July 2013
spiralling
Today I feel like I need to write, but I am not sure how or where to start. So, I'll just jump in.
Today is a hard day. I feel down, I feel lousy and I feel like nothing I do is right. I'm feeling insecure and this leads me to feel like I need to control everything. It seems that everything I say upsets someone. It seems that all I am doing is making people angry. I am having a hard time getting past the negative things in my life to see the positive. I am feeling like there is nothing valuable about me. I am doubting peoples' sincerity when they say they like me. Rationally I know all of this can't be true, but I am having a hard time getting past it. And, anxiety has again become constant. I can feel myself wanting to be alone all the time as well. Even little things are starting to feel overwhelming again.
I don't want to feel like this. Today, however, I can't seem to shake it. Not just today actually.
I decided to stop my trial of going off the anti-depressants. Things have been steadily getting worse over the last bit. I feel the darkness closing in, I feel the big heavy cloud getting closer. And, that feels awful and scary. The way I feel, the thoughts I have been having and some of my actions scare me. I know where they lead. Today I started back on the full dose of the medication. I know it is not an instant cure, but hopefully in a couple of weeks I will be feeling better.
I'm disappointed. I was hoping I would be ok without the medication. But, I know that I am not. Today, the decision to go back on them feels horrible and overwhelming, signs for me that things aren't right.
Today is a hard day. I feel down, I feel lousy and I feel like nothing I do is right. I'm feeling insecure and this leads me to feel like I need to control everything. It seems that everything I say upsets someone. It seems that all I am doing is making people angry. I am having a hard time getting past the negative things in my life to see the positive. I am feeling like there is nothing valuable about me. I am doubting peoples' sincerity when they say they like me. Rationally I know all of this can't be true, but I am having a hard time getting past it. And, anxiety has again become constant. I can feel myself wanting to be alone all the time as well. Even little things are starting to feel overwhelming again.
I don't want to feel like this. Today, however, I can't seem to shake it. Not just today actually.
I decided to stop my trial of going off the anti-depressants. Things have been steadily getting worse over the last bit. I feel the darkness closing in, I feel the big heavy cloud getting closer. And, that feels awful and scary. The way I feel, the thoughts I have been having and some of my actions scare me. I know where they lead. Today I started back on the full dose of the medication. I know it is not an instant cure, but hopefully in a couple of weeks I will be feeling better.
I'm disappointed. I was hoping I would be ok without the medication. But, I know that I am not. Today, the decision to go back on them feels horrible and overwhelming, signs for me that things aren't right.
Friday 12 July 2013
Attitude
I had a great conversation this afternoon with a couple of ladies at work about attitude. As is normal right now it was about the recent flooding around here. One of the ladies was flooded. The other, like me, has been helping the best she can.
We were talking about how the attitude, for the most part, in Calgary has been pretty good. People are helping, those affected are doing ok. It is hard and stressful for sure, but generally things are getting done. The co-worker helping has been out at some friends place in High River. She said the feeling there is depressed. People are struggling.
We got to talking about the difference in leadership. The mayor of Calgary has been doing a great job. He hasn't sugar coated anything, but he also is not complaining or being rude. You can see that he really cares about what is going on, about the people. He said at one point his role was 1. safety 2. courage and morale and 3. to get out of the way of people doing the work.
In High River the mayor hasn't been as effective in his communications. And there is a fairly high profile MLA (provincial representative) who lives there that has been doing a lot of complaining.
We were talking about how these things have to have an effect on people. The leadership in both places seem to be managing the best they can. But, one is working on showing what the community is made of. The other has been complaining. Now, I know this is over-simplifying things and I am not saying it is the whole explanation. There are lots of other factors to be sure.
However, I truly believe this is a contributing factor. Attitude. How you look at adversity. How much you look at the impersonal "government" to help, or how much you believe in the community to help. How much you celebrate the small successes, whatever they are, or focus only on what is not working. How much you can keep a sense of humour in really tough circumstances.
All of this applies to the floods, but it also applies to life. For me it does anyhow. I notice that more and more of late I am choosing to stay away from people I know that focus on the negative. It's not about putting my head in the sand and sugar-coating life, but it is about choosing to put myself in situations where the attitude is good for the soul and doesn't drag me down.
We were talking about how the attitude, for the most part, in Calgary has been pretty good. People are helping, those affected are doing ok. It is hard and stressful for sure, but generally things are getting done. The co-worker helping has been out at some friends place in High River. She said the feeling there is depressed. People are struggling.
We got to talking about the difference in leadership. The mayor of Calgary has been doing a great job. He hasn't sugar coated anything, but he also is not complaining or being rude. You can see that he really cares about what is going on, about the people. He said at one point his role was 1. safety 2. courage and morale and 3. to get out of the way of people doing the work.
In High River the mayor hasn't been as effective in his communications. And there is a fairly high profile MLA (provincial representative) who lives there that has been doing a lot of complaining.
We were talking about how these things have to have an effect on people. The leadership in both places seem to be managing the best they can. But, one is working on showing what the community is made of. The other has been complaining. Now, I know this is over-simplifying things and I am not saying it is the whole explanation. There are lots of other factors to be sure.
However, I truly believe this is a contributing factor. Attitude. How you look at adversity. How much you look at the impersonal "government" to help, or how much you believe in the community to help. How much you celebrate the small successes, whatever they are, or focus only on what is not working. How much you can keep a sense of humour in really tough circumstances.
All of this applies to the floods, but it also applies to life. For me it does anyhow. I notice that more and more of late I am choosing to stay away from people I know that focus on the negative. It's not about putting my head in the sand and sugar-coating life, but it is about choosing to put myself in situations where the attitude is good for the soul and doesn't drag me down.
Friday 5 July 2013
Another step
Well, after 2.5 years I am starting a new adventure. I talked to my doctor this week and have decided to try stopping the anti-depressants. The process is to take 1/2 the dose for 6 weeks. If I don't notice any difference then to stop taking them at that point.
I have mixed feelings about this decision. I want to try because if I don't need to be taking medications then why take them? But, I'm scared. I was in bad shape for so long before I started taking them that I am scared that I will crash that badly again. Rationally I don't think this will happen, but I am still scared of it. It's hard to remember that I am not in the same place I was then.
Why now you might ask? I have done a lot of work in the last 2.5 years to figure things out and to learn new tools to manage. At this point I don't think that more time is going to make me feel any better. I am still learning and growing, but that process isn't making me feel better. If I think this is it, this is "normal" for me, then it is the time to see if I need the medications to control the symptoms. Also, it is summer, which is a better time than winter.
I am going into this with eyes wide open though. I know there is a possibility that in order to manage the depression I will need to keep taking them. There is also a possibility that I won't need to keep taking them. I'll never know until I try.
I have mixed feelings about this decision. I want to try because if I don't need to be taking medications then why take them? But, I'm scared. I was in bad shape for so long before I started taking them that I am scared that I will crash that badly again. Rationally I don't think this will happen, but I am still scared of it. It's hard to remember that I am not in the same place I was then.
Why now you might ask? I have done a lot of work in the last 2.5 years to figure things out and to learn new tools to manage. At this point I don't think that more time is going to make me feel any better. I am still learning and growing, but that process isn't making me feel better. If I think this is it, this is "normal" for me, then it is the time to see if I need the medications to control the symptoms. Also, it is summer, which is a better time than winter.
I am going into this with eyes wide open though. I know there is a possibility that in order to manage the depression I will need to keep taking them. There is also a possibility that I won't need to keep taking them. I'll never know until I try.
Sunday 30 June 2013
Starting to find my way
After 3 days of stopping the flood recovery volunteering I am starting to find my way. Slowly. I am still dreaming of floods and mud and insulation and garbage. But, I can read the news again and remember there are other things going on in the world. I can enjoy the lovely weather we are having here. I no longer feel guilty about not helping.
At group this past week someone said something that, eventually, has sunk in. She said that it would be unrealistic to expect that everyone in Calgary is helping the flood recovery as we would be tripping over each other. (This has actually started to happen as a lot of the work is accomplished). I have done a fair bit of helping. It's not up to me to do it all. It's ok to let other people do it also.
My brain feels like it is healing. I needed to take care of my mental state. Still some distance to go, but it is not so overwhelming anymore. It is not so intense anymore.
I learned (or re-learned I think) a lesson out of all of this. Taking care of myself has to be my number one priority, always. This doesn't mean that I don't help people, or that I don't get involved in others lives. It means that I do it as I am able. It means being honest with myself about what I am able to do and remain healthy. It means remembering where my limits are and respecting that. I got pretty close to the crash line this time. I probably should have done more taking care of me sooner. However, I will say that at least I recognized what was happening and managed to do something about it.
Just doing something is a success for me. At one point in my life, I would have kept going, and going, and going and going. I would never have stopped to figure out what this was doing to me. But, I know where that leads eventually. So, I will celebrate the success and take the lessons forward.
At group this past week someone said something that, eventually, has sunk in. She said that it would be unrealistic to expect that everyone in Calgary is helping the flood recovery as we would be tripping over each other. (This has actually started to happen as a lot of the work is accomplished). I have done a fair bit of helping. It's not up to me to do it all. It's ok to let other people do it also.
My brain feels like it is healing. I needed to take care of my mental state. Still some distance to go, but it is not so overwhelming anymore. It is not so intense anymore.
I learned (or re-learned I think) a lesson out of all of this. Taking care of myself has to be my number one priority, always. This doesn't mean that I don't help people, or that I don't get involved in others lives. It means that I do it as I am able. It means being honest with myself about what I am able to do and remain healthy. It means remembering where my limits are and respecting that. I got pretty close to the crash line this time. I probably should have done more taking care of me sooner. However, I will say that at least I recognized what was happening and managed to do something about it.
Just doing something is a success for me. At one point in my life, I would have kept going, and going, and going and going. I would never have stopped to figure out what this was doing to me. But, I know where that leads eventually. So, I will celebrate the success and take the lessons forward.
Saturday 29 June 2013
cracking - just a little
I wrote this a couple of nights ago, but haven't had a chance to post it.
I am starting to crack. Ever since this flood started I have been going hard. I haven't taken the time to take care of me. Now I need to before I crack totally.
This pattern is familiar. When the depression was getting bad I kept busy. Just keep going so it can't find you. The problem with that theory is that is catches up to you eventually anyhow. It just happens.
So this time I am trying to stop earlier, stop before I actually crack.
I know that part of being me means feeling the energy and emotions of what is around me. There are a lot of good things about this. It totally enhances my experience of movies and books as I am emotionally in the story. It also means I can provide empathy to people in bad situations and celebrate with people in good situations.
The way I feel now is, however, the down side. It is easy to get overwhelmed with what is going on. I struggle to learn to be empathetic and also protect myself. I struggle to know how to build the wall that says your stuff is yours. I struggle to know which emotions are mine and which I am taking on. This is certainly one cause of depression for me. When things got so overwhelming before I shut down and didn't feel anything at all.
I haven't been taking care of me. And now I have to. Burning myself out doesn't help at all. I am taking some time off from volunteering. This comes with a sense of guilt, but inside I know I have done a lot. I also know that there is a lot more to be done and if I want I will be able to help again. I will continue to do my part as I am able. But I need to remember that as I am able is different than every other person out there. And that is ok.
I need to find my own emotions and leave those of a city in crisis outside me for a bit. Now there is a tonne of energy and emotion in this city. Destruction, loss, sadness, hope, help, gratitude and everything in between. I have been taking it all in.
I am starting to crack. Ever since this flood started I have been going hard. I haven't taken the time to take care of me. Now I need to before I crack totally.
This pattern is familiar. When the depression was getting bad I kept busy. Just keep going so it can't find you. The problem with that theory is that is catches up to you eventually anyhow. It just happens.
So this time I am trying to stop earlier, stop before I actually crack.
I know that part of being me means feeling the energy and emotions of what is around me. There are a lot of good things about this. It totally enhances my experience of movies and books as I am emotionally in the story. It also means I can provide empathy to people in bad situations and celebrate with people in good situations.
The way I feel now is, however, the down side. It is easy to get overwhelmed with what is going on. I struggle to learn to be empathetic and also protect myself. I struggle to know how to build the wall that says your stuff is yours. I struggle to know which emotions are mine and which I am taking on. This is certainly one cause of depression for me. When things got so overwhelming before I shut down and didn't feel anything at all.
I haven't been taking care of me. And now I have to. Burning myself out doesn't help at all. I am taking some time off from volunteering. This comes with a sense of guilt, but inside I know I have done a lot. I also know that there is a lot more to be done and if I want I will be able to help again. I will continue to do my part as I am able. But I need to remember that as I am able is different than every other person out there. And that is ok.
I need to find my own emotions and leave those of a city in crisis outside me for a bit. Now there is a tonne of energy and emotion in this city. Destruction, loss, sadness, hope, help, gratitude and everything in between. I have been taking it all in.
Saturday 22 June 2013
Floods!!!!
Where to start? My city has been under a state of emergency for 3 days now due to MAJOR flooding. As I am discovering everyone needs to talk, debrief and tell their story, including me. So here goes.
Some flooding and high rivers at this time of year are normal, but this is the worst in anyone's memory. 8 years ago the floods were bad. This is 3 times worse. 75,000 people in 25 neighbourhoods were evacuated. Most of downtown is currently still without power as it is flooded. My parents ended up leaving their house for a day and a half because they didn't have power. They are home now, and while the river is very high behind their house, they don't seem to be at any flooding risk. Thankfully, my sister was easily able to accommodate them. The low-lying parts of my neighbourhood have also been evacuated. Some people are being allowed back tonight, but there is a part that is pretty much a part of the river now. It will be awhile before that gets better. Thankfully, I live at the top of the hill.
Thursday night was an anxious time for me. There were reports my whole neighbourhood was to evacuate, but I couldn't find anything official. Same goes for my parents. None of us knew whether to stay or go. And, as it all crises accurate information is hard to find. The City's website crashed, but it is fixed now.
Yesterday I went for a walk around my area and also got a look at the river from the top of a hill. It is unbelievable. One of our downtown parks is now part of the river. Neighbourhoods look like Venice, not the semi-arid climate we live in.
People, however, have been amazing. About 1,500 people had to take advantage of the emergency accommodation. Most others were/are housed with family and friends. Our mayor and emergency workers have been going non-stop. My brother-in-law works for the local power company and he has been pulling a lot of overtime also. Strangers have been offering their places to those evacuated. Any requests for help have been met and overwhelmed.
So, after all this, how am I doing? Good, bad and everything in between. I am grateful to be safe and that my place is fine. I am grateful that the same can be said for my family. I had a lot of anxiety Thursday for sure. Even yesterday I found the whole thing overwhelming. And my neighbourhood is so eerie. Most of the roads around us are closed, no buses are running, no trains are running. The energy is totally different. Yesterday I couldn't get enough of facebook and twitter, and yet I knew that the more I saw, the harder it was getting on me.
Today, I am getting used to the "new" situation. I am able to be calmer. I went to a movie with a friend (on my bike as we have been asked to keep roads clear for emergencies). I am finding my sense of humour again and not so overwhelmed, especially since the real tragedy going on is not mine. I know I take on a lot of emotion from other people and have been doing that for sure. But, I am also getting so much better at knowing when I am doing that and finding ways to only keep my own emotions. Still not perfect at it and I am sure I am carrying around the sorrow and anxiety of a city in crisis still. (The police helicopter just flew over my place, reminding me again that this is far from over).
It probably also helps that things are looking up, at least in some areas. I can remember that this situation is temporary. There is loss, there will be clean up to do. There will be assistance needing and none of us will forget this. But, we will move on. The thing is, it feels good to tell my story. Yes, there are people far worse off than I am, but as I has learned, comparisons don't help. I still feel anxiety, I still feel sorrow, I still feel sad, I still feel proud of the reaction of so many people, I still feel grateful for so many things - including that the evacuations have achieved their intended purpose of keeping people safe.
I feel really, a bit all over the map. But, this is a crisis situation and I have no doubt that it is normal to feel how I feel.
If you haven't had a chance to share your story, I am happy to listen, or post in the comments section, or whatever you need.
Some flooding and high rivers at this time of year are normal, but this is the worst in anyone's memory. 8 years ago the floods were bad. This is 3 times worse. 75,000 people in 25 neighbourhoods were evacuated. Most of downtown is currently still without power as it is flooded. My parents ended up leaving their house for a day and a half because they didn't have power. They are home now, and while the river is very high behind their house, they don't seem to be at any flooding risk. Thankfully, my sister was easily able to accommodate them. The low-lying parts of my neighbourhood have also been evacuated. Some people are being allowed back tonight, but there is a part that is pretty much a part of the river now. It will be awhile before that gets better. Thankfully, I live at the top of the hill.
Thursday night was an anxious time for me. There were reports my whole neighbourhood was to evacuate, but I couldn't find anything official. Same goes for my parents. None of us knew whether to stay or go. And, as it all crises accurate information is hard to find. The City's website crashed, but it is fixed now.
Yesterday I went for a walk around my area and also got a look at the river from the top of a hill. It is unbelievable. One of our downtown parks is now part of the river. Neighbourhoods look like Venice, not the semi-arid climate we live in.
People, however, have been amazing. About 1,500 people had to take advantage of the emergency accommodation. Most others were/are housed with family and friends. Our mayor and emergency workers have been going non-stop. My brother-in-law works for the local power company and he has been pulling a lot of overtime also. Strangers have been offering their places to those evacuated. Any requests for help have been met and overwhelmed.
So, after all this, how am I doing? Good, bad and everything in between. I am grateful to be safe and that my place is fine. I am grateful that the same can be said for my family. I had a lot of anxiety Thursday for sure. Even yesterday I found the whole thing overwhelming. And my neighbourhood is so eerie. Most of the roads around us are closed, no buses are running, no trains are running. The energy is totally different. Yesterday I couldn't get enough of facebook and twitter, and yet I knew that the more I saw, the harder it was getting on me.
Today, I am getting used to the "new" situation. I am able to be calmer. I went to a movie with a friend (on my bike as we have been asked to keep roads clear for emergencies). I am finding my sense of humour again and not so overwhelmed, especially since the real tragedy going on is not mine. I know I take on a lot of emotion from other people and have been doing that for sure. But, I am also getting so much better at knowing when I am doing that and finding ways to only keep my own emotions. Still not perfect at it and I am sure I am carrying around the sorrow and anxiety of a city in crisis still. (The police helicopter just flew over my place, reminding me again that this is far from over).
It probably also helps that things are looking up, at least in some areas. I can remember that this situation is temporary. There is loss, there will be clean up to do. There will be assistance needing and none of us will forget this. But, we will move on. The thing is, it feels good to tell my story. Yes, there are people far worse off than I am, but as I has learned, comparisons don't help. I still feel anxiety, I still feel sorrow, I still feel sad, I still feel proud of the reaction of so many people, I still feel grateful for so many things - including that the evacuations have achieved their intended purpose of keeping people safe.
I feel really, a bit all over the map. But, this is a crisis situation and I have no doubt that it is normal to feel how I feel.
If you haven't had a chance to share your story, I am happy to listen, or post in the comments section, or whatever you need.
Tuesday 18 June 2013
A Funk
When I first started thinking of this post, the word funk struck me. Then I started thinking of funky, and then the song "Funky Town" got stuck in my head. This is the way my brain works sometimes. It also shows me that I am not totally out of a sense of humour.
I've been in a funk of late. For awhile it was pretty low key and I didn't really see it. But, the last few days have been pretty tough, and I can see now that this has been coming for a bit. I feel tired, and down and really just like hiding. Which, I've been doing a lot of. I've been keeping up with commitments that I have to keep, but I haven't been doing much else. I've been sitting on my couch reading mostly. Now for a lot of people, this wouldn't be hiding, but for me it is.
Reading is not a bad thing in and of itself, but I don't actually do a lot of it. I get enough reading at work and it is nice to do other things. Lately, I've been reading a whole book in a day and then searching for another just as fast as I can. It's a great way to hide. It's a great way to justify not doing anything else. But, when I look at it, I have been using it as a way to ignore the funk. Amazing how many ways I can find to avoid the hard stuff.
The thing is, I know where this pattern leads me. To a worse place than a funk. To a place where a dark cloud is all around me and I can't see any light coming through. I'm not there yet, as can be seen by the first paragraph. I still find some things funny. I still can enjoy some things. But, underneath it all is a sense that things are not good. That things are sliding.
I am not sure why. I am not sure what is going on. But I know, I have to stop ignoring it. Stop pretending it is not there. Stop finding ways to justify doing things that are bad for me.
I know I haven't been great at taking care of myself. Exercise has been slipping, eating right has been slipping, talking to people in general and about what is going on has been slipping. All the things that I know are good for me. I'm working at changing this. I've gone 2 days now without caffeine, which is a start. I know that too much of it contributes to be not sleeping well and not feeling well. Yesterday I cooked a real dinner. Hopefully getting back on track with some of this will help.
But, ultimately, I need to look at my emotions. What is going on there? That is the hard part. Often I discover something that is tough to handle, tough to deal with, tough to get through. I know on some level it is worth the effort, but right now the effort seems like too much.
I've been in a funk of late. For awhile it was pretty low key and I didn't really see it. But, the last few days have been pretty tough, and I can see now that this has been coming for a bit. I feel tired, and down and really just like hiding. Which, I've been doing a lot of. I've been keeping up with commitments that I have to keep, but I haven't been doing much else. I've been sitting on my couch reading mostly. Now for a lot of people, this wouldn't be hiding, but for me it is.
Reading is not a bad thing in and of itself, but I don't actually do a lot of it. I get enough reading at work and it is nice to do other things. Lately, I've been reading a whole book in a day and then searching for another just as fast as I can. It's a great way to hide. It's a great way to justify not doing anything else. But, when I look at it, I have been using it as a way to ignore the funk. Amazing how many ways I can find to avoid the hard stuff.
The thing is, I know where this pattern leads me. To a worse place than a funk. To a place where a dark cloud is all around me and I can't see any light coming through. I'm not there yet, as can be seen by the first paragraph. I still find some things funny. I still can enjoy some things. But, underneath it all is a sense that things are not good. That things are sliding.
I am not sure why. I am not sure what is going on. But I know, I have to stop ignoring it. Stop pretending it is not there. Stop finding ways to justify doing things that are bad for me.
I know I haven't been great at taking care of myself. Exercise has been slipping, eating right has been slipping, talking to people in general and about what is going on has been slipping. All the things that I know are good for me. I'm working at changing this. I've gone 2 days now without caffeine, which is a start. I know that too much of it contributes to be not sleeping well and not feeling well. Yesterday I cooked a real dinner. Hopefully getting back on track with some of this will help.
But, ultimately, I need to look at my emotions. What is going on there? That is the hard part. Often I discover something that is tough to handle, tough to deal with, tough to get through. I know on some level it is worth the effort, but right now the effort seems like too much.
Sunday 2 June 2013
Ode to a Bully
You will not win
You will not get the best of me
You can take your threats and shove them
No matter what you do
I will stand firm
I am right on this one
You are wrong
No one deserves to be treated like you treated me this week
No one has the right to treat others that way
What do you think it accomplishes?
Do you think I am more likely to give you what you want?
Hah! Fuck that.
I was trying to help you
Now I will do the bare minimum that I have to
I felt sympathy for you
Now I feel pity
Pity that you feel the need to make me feel small so you can feel big
Pity that this is the only way you can feel powerful
I feel sympathy for the people around you
If I could I would tell you to Fuck off
I would tell you what an asshole you are
I would tell you that your behaviour reminds me of a toddler
You don't get your way so you throw a tantrum
You yell, you threaten, you lie
You twist things around for your own purpose
You don't listen and then you complain that you didn't get what you need
Instead of waiting for the answer, you yell, you scream
You are underhanded and horrible
What do you think this will do?
Who do you think you are?
As my friend said, a pox on you
I truly believe that what goes around comes around
Have fun when it gets back around to you
You are an asshole
You do not deserve respect from me, and you will no longer get it
I will be polite because I have to
But that is all
You will not win
You will not get the best of me
You can take your threats and shove them
No matter what you do
I will stand firm
I am right on this one
You are wrong
No one deserves to be treated like you treated me this week
No one has the right to treat others that way
What do you think it accomplishes?
Do you think I am more likely to give you what you want?
Hah! Fuck that.
I was trying to help you
Now I will do the bare minimum that I have to
I felt sympathy for you
Now I feel pity
Pity that you feel the need to make me feel small so you can feel big
Pity that this is the only way you can feel powerful
I feel sympathy for the people around you
If I could I would tell you to Fuck off
I would tell you what an asshole you are
I would tell you that your behaviour reminds me of a toddler
You don't get your way so you throw a tantrum
You yell, you threaten, you lie
You twist things around for your own purpose
You don't listen and then you complain that you didn't get what you need
Instead of waiting for the answer, you yell, you scream
You are underhanded and horrible
What do you think this will do?
Who do you think you are?
As my friend said, a pox on you
I truly believe that what goes around comes around
Have fun when it gets back around to you
You are an asshole
You do not deserve respect from me, and you will no longer get it
I will be polite because I have to
But that is all
You will not win
Friday 31 May 2013
Beat up
Sometimes it feels like life beats me up a little. This week has been one of those weeks. I'll leave out the details except to say that I have been the brunt of a bully's actions this week. Blech.
It's been hard for a number of reasons. Firstly, the bully accused me of all sorts of things that are untrue, but still hard to have someone say to and about you. Secondly, I have been in this position before and being here again brings up all sorts of feelings for me. The anxiety, the fear, the despair, the depression. I am taken back to a time in my life where everything was horrible and I can feel those feelings again. And it sucks.
I have to keep making myself actually look at how I am handling it this time. I called someone today who was able to help me figure out a response. I have done all the right things in handling this. Other people can see what is going on and are supporting me on it. And, and this is the big one, I am able to see what is actually happening. The bully is not getting his way and so is acting out. He is threatening me and trying to draw me into his bullshit.
The thing is, I haven't been drawn in. I have managed to let him threaten, and frankly carry out on his threats (nothing physical) and still be ok. I have been able to remember that people who are bullies are usually acting out some insecurity of their own and really it has nothing to do with me. He is not getting his way and needs to make someone else feel small in order to feel in control, or something to that effect. But, as someone said to me today, the thought is "too bad you are having a crappy day... I'm not, no matter what you do".
This situation is a big challenge for me. It's a challenge to deal with the bully in a different way. To be firm in what I am doing and not try to make things better. I don't care if I ever have any kind of relationship with this person, and so why try? Some things are not worth it. I may have to deal with him again. I will be polite, but distant. I will do what I have to, but that will be all. I have no respect for people who treat me this way, and that is not going to change.
But, I do now have some respect for me. Just writing this post is making me feel anxious. But, that's about change I think. It is hard to do things differently, it takes energy and determination. I have those things, even though I am anxious as well. I am handling it differently this time. I truly believe that I don't deserve this treatment and that I have a right to stand up for myself. This I will do, no matter how anxious it makes me.
And so at this end of this post I have a request. I need some strength. I need reminders sometimes that I am a great person and deserve to be treated respectfully. Sometimes, I need to hear it. Right now, I really do. This request is also different. I am asking for the support that I need. New for me.
It's been hard for a number of reasons. Firstly, the bully accused me of all sorts of things that are untrue, but still hard to have someone say to and about you. Secondly, I have been in this position before and being here again brings up all sorts of feelings for me. The anxiety, the fear, the despair, the depression. I am taken back to a time in my life where everything was horrible and I can feel those feelings again. And it sucks.
I have to keep making myself actually look at how I am handling it this time. I called someone today who was able to help me figure out a response. I have done all the right things in handling this. Other people can see what is going on and are supporting me on it. And, and this is the big one, I am able to see what is actually happening. The bully is not getting his way and so is acting out. He is threatening me and trying to draw me into his bullshit.
The thing is, I haven't been drawn in. I have managed to let him threaten, and frankly carry out on his threats (nothing physical) and still be ok. I have been able to remember that people who are bullies are usually acting out some insecurity of their own and really it has nothing to do with me. He is not getting his way and needs to make someone else feel small in order to feel in control, or something to that effect. But, as someone said to me today, the thought is "too bad you are having a crappy day... I'm not, no matter what you do".
This situation is a big challenge for me. It's a challenge to deal with the bully in a different way. To be firm in what I am doing and not try to make things better. I don't care if I ever have any kind of relationship with this person, and so why try? Some things are not worth it. I may have to deal with him again. I will be polite, but distant. I will do what I have to, but that will be all. I have no respect for people who treat me this way, and that is not going to change.
But, I do now have some respect for me. Just writing this post is making me feel anxious. But, that's about change I think. It is hard to do things differently, it takes energy and determination. I have those things, even though I am anxious as well. I am handling it differently this time. I truly believe that I don't deserve this treatment and that I have a right to stand up for myself. This I will do, no matter how anxious it makes me.
And so at this end of this post I have a request. I need some strength. I need reminders sometimes that I am a great person and deserve to be treated respectfully. Sometimes, I need to hear it. Right now, I really do. This request is also different. I am asking for the support that I need. New for me.
Tuesday 28 May 2013
Sometimes
Sometimes I realize how bad things were for me. I really had no idea what it felt like to feel ok about life. Or at least if I ever had that feeling I totally forgot what it was like. It's amazing to me that I can feel so calm. It's amazing to me that things that used to send me for a tail spin, are minor now. It's amazing to me how I managed to keep going.
I have had some really tough times. This illness I have can make life completely intolerable, can make everything in life seem completely impossible. Small decisions are hard, big decisions are earth shattering. Every day it is a struggle just to be alive. Every day it's a struggle to figure out what to wear, what to eat, how to navigate the relationships at work without losing it, how to navigate other relationships. It's impossible to fathom that things could be better because just being is so hard. Thinking about the work required to be better is so overwhelming it seems easier to keep on surviving. Asking for help seems impossible. And then, there is rock bottom.
This is the place when everything becomes intolerable. It is also the place where I realized that something had to change. It sucked, a lot. And yet, it was the beginning of new things for me. The beginning of really learning how to live my life differently. The beginning of healing, the beginning of living instead of surviving. It has been hard, sometimes terrible. But, I can see now that it has also been worth it.
I'm finding my way forward, bit by bit. I notice myself doing things differently, reacting differently. It's been scary to feel so unsettled. Slowly but surely though I can see that things aren't so hard anymore. Some of the new things are becoming habit rather than work. It's pretty amazing I must say.
I have had some really tough times. This illness I have can make life completely intolerable, can make everything in life seem completely impossible. Small decisions are hard, big decisions are earth shattering. Every day it is a struggle just to be alive. Every day it's a struggle to figure out what to wear, what to eat, how to navigate the relationships at work without losing it, how to navigate other relationships. It's impossible to fathom that things could be better because just being is so hard. Thinking about the work required to be better is so overwhelming it seems easier to keep on surviving. Asking for help seems impossible. And then, there is rock bottom.
This is the place when everything becomes intolerable. It is also the place where I realized that something had to change. It sucked, a lot. And yet, it was the beginning of new things for me. The beginning of really learning how to live my life differently. The beginning of healing, the beginning of living instead of surviving. It has been hard, sometimes terrible. But, I can see now that it has also been worth it.
I'm finding my way forward, bit by bit. I notice myself doing things differently, reacting differently. It's been scary to feel so unsettled. Slowly but surely though I can see that things aren't so hard anymore. Some of the new things are becoming habit rather than work. It's pretty amazing I must say.
Monday 20 May 2013
Those moments
Do you ever have those moments where things seem off? Nothing is really wrong, but you have a sense that something is not quite right? I am having one of those afternoons. And, I'm not sure what to do with it. For so long this feeling was associated with anxiety or panic, or well, depression. There was no sense that things would be ok. Everything was off, or bad, or wrong. And so now, I am not sure how to handle this feeling.
Thursday 16 May 2013
Resolution
The other night at group we got talking about resolution. I got thinking about my experiences. I've had a few where I kept thinking, "if only the other person would..."
One of the experiences of this was a someone who let me down in a huge way. She was responsible for putting me in a really bad, no-win situation and then when this became clear, she walked away. (I realize this is pretty cryptic, but there are some things that are better left vague in a public forum)
I was angry and hurt. I thought I had a good relationship with this person and I thought she valued me as a person. And because of this, I felt like I owed her something as well. The thing is, when push came to shove, I still felt like I owed it to her to try to make things work. To keep trying, even though it was like running full speed into a brick wall,over and over again. And, when push came to shove, she didn't do anything at all. She wouldn't even talk to me.
And so, I was angry, I was hurt and I felt betrayed. I'd tried so hard to do what I thought was the right thing, and to me, it felt like she bailed, walked away.
Eventually, when the situation was completely intolerable I left. For a long time, I wanted her to apologize. I wanted to run into her so I could tell her how poorly she treated me. I wanted her to admit to it, to own up to her failings. I wanted her to tell me that she was wrong and I was right. But, that never happened. And never was going to happen. At some point, I realized that I was depending on someone else to do something so that I could let go of my anger and hurt. I was still giving power to this woman who had shown me that she didn't really value me at all. So, in the end, what I thought I needed in order to move on was dependent on someone else.
This felt horrible. Once I started on my own process of healing, I also realized that waiting for someone else to do something so I could be better was not a good way to approach things. This was setting myself up to fail. I had to find a way to make my resolution dependent on me because that was the only way I had any control over the situation.
This was really a difficult process. I trusted this woman and she betrayed that. But, I did eventually find a way to see that I am responsible for me. I have the power to do whatever it is I set my mind to. Letting her have the power was just perpetuating the hurt for me. It was not punishing her, which is what I wanted to be doing.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm not hurt anymore. Not to excuse the behaviour or to pretend it away. I was put in a horrible, no-win situation. The person that had a responsibility to do something about it didn't. It happened. I can't and won't pretend it didn't or that it wasn't awful. To me, that would invalidate my experience. But, I have taken back my power. My own healing is no longer dependent on getting something that I am never going to get. I've found a way to be powerful in my own right. To move on from that situation, better, stronger. Ultimately we all have to live with our own choices. It is my choice to find my way through this.
One of the experiences of this was a someone who let me down in a huge way. She was responsible for putting me in a really bad, no-win situation and then when this became clear, she walked away. (I realize this is pretty cryptic, but there are some things that are better left vague in a public forum)
I was angry and hurt. I thought I had a good relationship with this person and I thought she valued me as a person. And because of this, I felt like I owed her something as well. The thing is, when push came to shove, I still felt like I owed it to her to try to make things work. To keep trying, even though it was like running full speed into a brick wall,over and over again. And, when push came to shove, she didn't do anything at all. She wouldn't even talk to me.
And so, I was angry, I was hurt and I felt betrayed. I'd tried so hard to do what I thought was the right thing, and to me, it felt like she bailed, walked away.
Eventually, when the situation was completely intolerable I left. For a long time, I wanted her to apologize. I wanted to run into her so I could tell her how poorly she treated me. I wanted her to admit to it, to own up to her failings. I wanted her to tell me that she was wrong and I was right. But, that never happened. And never was going to happen. At some point, I realized that I was depending on someone else to do something so that I could let go of my anger and hurt. I was still giving power to this woman who had shown me that she didn't really value me at all. So, in the end, what I thought I needed in order to move on was dependent on someone else.
This felt horrible. Once I started on my own process of healing, I also realized that waiting for someone else to do something so I could be better was not a good way to approach things. This was setting myself up to fail. I had to find a way to make my resolution dependent on me because that was the only way I had any control over the situation.
This was really a difficult process. I trusted this woman and she betrayed that. But, I did eventually find a way to see that I am responsible for me. I have the power to do whatever it is I set my mind to. Letting her have the power was just perpetuating the hurt for me. It was not punishing her, which is what I wanted to be doing.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm not hurt anymore. Not to excuse the behaviour or to pretend it away. I was put in a horrible, no-win situation. The person that had a responsibility to do something about it didn't. It happened. I can't and won't pretend it didn't or that it wasn't awful. To me, that would invalidate my experience. But, I have taken back my power. My own healing is no longer dependent on getting something that I am never going to get. I've found a way to be powerful in my own right. To move on from that situation, better, stronger. Ultimately we all have to live with our own choices. It is my choice to find my way through this.
Wednesday 15 May 2013
My birthday
Yesterday was my birthday. I've been thinking about how I feel about having a birthday and being the age that I am now. I've had a lot of "nothing" birthdays where they passed with little fanfare, although not totally unrecognized. I've thrown myself the odd party. I've been away travelling also. Many different kinds of birthdays.
So this year. How do I feel? The truth is I've been having fun celebrating, but in my own way. I've discovered that lots of small celebrations is more my thing than one big one. I've been out for dinner with a friend, had a surprise cake from my family, been for drinks with friends, going for ice cream later this week and maybe a coffee date with another one. It's been super fun. One of the funny moments was the surprise cake from my family. I can truly say I didn't expect it, although maybe I should have. And, I got the same candle that we have using for cakes for quite awhile now. It is a number 5. I really love those kinds of harmless jokes. They make you laugh and no one gets hurt or offended or anything.
For the first time in awhile it feels good to celebrate. Good to feel good. Good to think it is fun to do things. And, I also feel ok about having the attention on me for a day. I used to feel embarrassed about this. I so desperately wanted the attention, and yet when I got it I didn't feel like I deserved it, or people were just being polite or whatever. I couldn't really appreciate it. This year, I don't feel like that. It's ok to command attention on my birthday (or the couple of weeks around it as the case may be). It's ok to recognize that the people around me want to celebrate with me. Truth is, I've been soaking it up.
I don't need anything grand. Even just someone saying happy birthday in the hall at work or on facebook is lovely. I know that grand gestures certainly aren't my strength, and I don't expect them at all. Small ones feel really good to me.
When I reflect on all of this, I realize how different things are. I don't feel ashamed when I get attention. I also feel good about celebrating my way. Yes, I'm another year older. But my life has seemed really hard a lot of the last few years. Right now, it doesn't seem so hard. Age is a number. Being in a good place is so much more important to me. To me that is a reason to celebrate. My birthday is just a good excuse.
So this year. How do I feel? The truth is I've been having fun celebrating, but in my own way. I've discovered that lots of small celebrations is more my thing than one big one. I've been out for dinner with a friend, had a surprise cake from my family, been for drinks with friends, going for ice cream later this week and maybe a coffee date with another one. It's been super fun. One of the funny moments was the surprise cake from my family. I can truly say I didn't expect it, although maybe I should have. And, I got the same candle that we have using for cakes for quite awhile now. It is a number 5. I really love those kinds of harmless jokes. They make you laugh and no one gets hurt or offended or anything.
For the first time in awhile it feels good to celebrate. Good to feel good. Good to think it is fun to do things. And, I also feel ok about having the attention on me for a day. I used to feel embarrassed about this. I so desperately wanted the attention, and yet when I got it I didn't feel like I deserved it, or people were just being polite or whatever. I couldn't really appreciate it. This year, I don't feel like that. It's ok to command attention on my birthday (or the couple of weeks around it as the case may be). It's ok to recognize that the people around me want to celebrate with me. Truth is, I've been soaking it up.
I don't need anything grand. Even just someone saying happy birthday in the hall at work or on facebook is lovely. I know that grand gestures certainly aren't my strength, and I don't expect them at all. Small ones feel really good to me.
When I reflect on all of this, I realize how different things are. I don't feel ashamed when I get attention. I also feel good about celebrating my way. Yes, I'm another year older. But my life has seemed really hard a lot of the last few years. Right now, it doesn't seem so hard. Age is a number. Being in a good place is so much more important to me. To me that is a reason to celebrate. My birthday is just a good excuse.
Sunday 21 April 2013
Taking it back
I've been thinking a lot lately about things I have stopped doing in my life because someone told me I wasn't any good at them. Writing was one of those things. Drawing was another.
Who says I have to be any good? I am a writer and an artist because I write and I draw. Am I a professional? No. Will I ever make a living at either? Not likely (although I do make a living doing a lot of writing right now - but the topic is not my choice). Does it matter? No.
I love writing, I love drawing. I love using pencil crayons to make patterns and designs. I love drawing Ziggy cartoons. I love putting words together to make a point. I love finding a way to express what I think and how I see the world. And so, I do it. I am a writer. I am an artist.
Who says I have to be any good? I am a writer and an artist because I write and I draw. Am I a professional? No. Will I ever make a living at either? Not likely (although I do make a living doing a lot of writing right now - but the topic is not my choice). Does it matter? No.
I love writing, I love drawing. I love using pencil crayons to make patterns and designs. I love drawing Ziggy cartoons. I love putting words together to make a point. I love finding a way to express what I think and how I see the world. And so, I do it. I am a writer. I am an artist.
Saturday 20 April 2013
Being vs having an illness
I read a blog post on someone else blog today that really got me thinking. She was writing about being an illness versus having an illness and how this is different for mental illnesses and physical illnesses. We don't say someone is cancer but we will say someone is bi-polar for example. I'm not sure however that her characterization is completely right. We do say people are diabetic, although this is the only example I can think of right now.
Anyhow, not really the topic on my mind. I think saying someone is their illness for any type of illness is not necessarily helpful. People are always made up of so many things and illnesses can only be a part of that. Sure it might have a bigger or smaller impact on people's lives, but still people are so much more.
I live with depression. I can be depressed, but I am not always this way. I can be anxious, but again I am not always this way. I am also a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, colleague, teammate etc... I am not depression. When I look at my friend who has diabetes, I don't generally think about it. It only crosses my mind when I see him give himself an insulin shot or feel ill because his sugars are out. Otherwise I see him as my friend and all the things that make him who he is.
I hope the same for me, and for others who have illnesses, mental or physical. There are days when perhaps people think about depression and me. Days where I am overwhelmed, or grumpy or sad or just not myself. That's ok, because those are likely the moments when depression is having a big impact on my life. Other days you would never know it. Those days the only impact it has is that I have to remember to take my medication.
We are all complex creatures. So many people have illnesses or things they deal with everyday. But, it really doesn't define who we are.
Anyhow, not really the topic on my mind. I think saying someone is their illness for any type of illness is not necessarily helpful. People are always made up of so many things and illnesses can only be a part of that. Sure it might have a bigger or smaller impact on people's lives, but still people are so much more.
I live with depression. I can be depressed, but I am not always this way. I can be anxious, but again I am not always this way. I am also a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, colleague, teammate etc... I am not depression. When I look at my friend who has diabetes, I don't generally think about it. It only crosses my mind when I see him give himself an insulin shot or feel ill because his sugars are out. Otherwise I see him as my friend and all the things that make him who he is.
I hope the same for me, and for others who have illnesses, mental or physical. There are days when perhaps people think about depression and me. Days where I am overwhelmed, or grumpy or sad or just not myself. That's ok, because those are likely the moments when depression is having a big impact on my life. Other days you would never know it. Those days the only impact it has is that I have to remember to take my medication.
We are all complex creatures. So many people have illnesses or things they deal with everyday. But, it really doesn't define who we are.
Boston Marathon bombings
I'm not sure this post is really about mental health, but it has been on my mind a lot this week, so I'm sharing it with all of you anyhow.
I've been thinking a lot about the reaction in the US and in Canada. People die in senseless ways all across the world, including the US and Canada, everyday and there is not this kind of out pouring of emotion. There is not this kind of solidarity and support for the victims, for the law enforcement. I've been thinking about why this is.
I think what happened in Boston shakes people's sense of security. For the most part Boston is a safe place. People go to the Boston marathon every year to watch and to run. My co-worker went last year. No one thinks it is risky (other than running a marathon can be risky). No one worries about their safety. Sporting events, especially marathons, are events to celebrate athleticism, to celebrate determination, to celebrate commitment to a goal and to celebrate achievement. I wouldn't think twice about going to watch. I certainly don't think twice when the local marathon runs right through my neighbourhood. For the most part the people who run and watch are ordinary people with jobs and families. People who train for these kinds of things while running their lives. Lives like mine and yours.
For me watching and playing sports also can be a great escape from some of the harsher realities of life. And now, those harsh realities are right in front of me, in the very place I go to escape from them.
I see that when something we generally consider a safe thing to do becomes unsafe people are shaken. Also, Boston is a generally safe place to be and the people that live and visit there want to keep it that way. And so the support for law enforcement. The sporting world, fans and athletes want to show that they understand and that they too want this part of life to remain safe.
It's hard when things we think we can count on are shaken. There is a lot of emotion that goes with that. Showing solidarity, showing that emotion is one way to cope.
These are my thoughts on this, for right or for wrong. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.
I've been thinking a lot about the reaction in the US and in Canada. People die in senseless ways all across the world, including the US and Canada, everyday and there is not this kind of out pouring of emotion. There is not this kind of solidarity and support for the victims, for the law enforcement. I've been thinking about why this is.
I think what happened in Boston shakes people's sense of security. For the most part Boston is a safe place. People go to the Boston marathon every year to watch and to run. My co-worker went last year. No one thinks it is risky (other than running a marathon can be risky). No one worries about their safety. Sporting events, especially marathons, are events to celebrate athleticism, to celebrate determination, to celebrate commitment to a goal and to celebrate achievement. I wouldn't think twice about going to watch. I certainly don't think twice when the local marathon runs right through my neighbourhood. For the most part the people who run and watch are ordinary people with jobs and families. People who train for these kinds of things while running their lives. Lives like mine and yours.
For me watching and playing sports also can be a great escape from some of the harsher realities of life. And now, those harsh realities are right in front of me, in the very place I go to escape from them.
I see that when something we generally consider a safe thing to do becomes unsafe people are shaken. Also, Boston is a generally safe place to be and the people that live and visit there want to keep it that way. And so the support for law enforcement. The sporting world, fans and athletes want to show that they understand and that they too want this part of life to remain safe.
It's hard when things we think we can count on are shaken. There is a lot of emotion that goes with that. Showing solidarity, showing that emotion is one way to cope.
These are my thoughts on this, for right or for wrong. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.
Friday 12 April 2013
Coming out - the hard part
Coming out as lesbian has been one of the most healing parts of my journey. This happening about 2 years ago. It's been hard also, but in ways I didn't expect.
The truth is, actually coming out, actually admitting that I am gay, was hard. But, it also felt like a huge relief. It took a bit of time to get used to for sure. But truthfully, once I got my mind around it, it isn't so bad. It feels like me being myself for the first time in a lot of years.
It's been hard also. I have found that being part of the lesbian community where I live is not as easy as I would like. There are three things I have come across that I am really struggling with. The first is being called a "baby lesbian" (not everyone is like this, but I have come across it). Now, I know where this comes from, I've been out a couple of years. Lots of people have been out for a lot longer. But the comment has always been said to me in such a condescending way. Almost like I have no right to claim my own experiences, or like I am somehow inferior because of my life's journey.
I wonder why it is that a few women who have been out for a long time need to put those of us who haven't been out so long down. Does it make them feel superior because they have been out longer? Surmising on my part. I really don't want to guess. What I do know though is that it really does bug me. I have a right to my own journey, my own process of getting where I am today.
The second thing has been some women, who seem very hung up on the stereotypes of being lesbian. I've been faced many times with being asked if I identify as "butch" or "femme", am I a lipstick lesbian etc... I've always hated labels, it doesn't matter what they are. Especially when the labels are meant to describe stereotypes. I find when I get in a situation like this, it really makes me feel like there is no room to be me. All of me, not just the parts that fit into some pre-defined box. I am lesbian. I guess if that is a label, I can accept it. But, what I mean when I say that is that I am much more attracted to women than men. It ends there.
The third thing I have been bothered by is the lack of acceptance of others. I have come across a number of women who say that all they want is to be accepted for who they are, and yet these are the same people who make nasty comments about some of my friends. For a long time, I was a devout Christian. I am not any more, but a number of my friends are. When I mention this to some of the gay women I have met, I have heard a lot of "they are so wrong", how can any one believe in Christianity, it is so horrible and so wrong.
I'm not sure what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting something different than I have found and I am disappointed. And yet, as I write this, I realize that likely the problem is that my expectations were off. People are people, no matter if they are gay, straight, black, white or purple. I have found in the lesbian community the sames things I see in the rest of the population. Some amazing people, some people I don't like at all and all people in between. It has been good to write this. It makes me remember the awesome women I have met. It makes me remember that if I want to find people in the lesbian community to have as a part of my life, I need to focus my energy on the awesome people and let the ones who bother me be who they are, far away from me.
The truth is, actually coming out, actually admitting that I am gay, was hard. But, it also felt like a huge relief. It took a bit of time to get used to for sure. But truthfully, once I got my mind around it, it isn't so bad. It feels like me being myself for the first time in a lot of years.
It's been hard also. I have found that being part of the lesbian community where I live is not as easy as I would like. There are three things I have come across that I am really struggling with. The first is being called a "baby lesbian" (not everyone is like this, but I have come across it). Now, I know where this comes from, I've been out a couple of years. Lots of people have been out for a lot longer. But the comment has always been said to me in such a condescending way. Almost like I have no right to claim my own experiences, or like I am somehow inferior because of my life's journey.
I wonder why it is that a few women who have been out for a long time need to put those of us who haven't been out so long down. Does it make them feel superior because they have been out longer? Surmising on my part. I really don't want to guess. What I do know though is that it really does bug me. I have a right to my own journey, my own process of getting where I am today.
The second thing has been some women, who seem very hung up on the stereotypes of being lesbian. I've been faced many times with being asked if I identify as "butch" or "femme", am I a lipstick lesbian etc... I've always hated labels, it doesn't matter what they are. Especially when the labels are meant to describe stereotypes. I find when I get in a situation like this, it really makes me feel like there is no room to be me. All of me, not just the parts that fit into some pre-defined box. I am lesbian. I guess if that is a label, I can accept it. But, what I mean when I say that is that I am much more attracted to women than men. It ends there.
The third thing I have been bothered by is the lack of acceptance of others. I have come across a number of women who say that all they want is to be accepted for who they are, and yet these are the same people who make nasty comments about some of my friends. For a long time, I was a devout Christian. I am not any more, but a number of my friends are. When I mention this to some of the gay women I have met, I have heard a lot of "they are so wrong", how can any one believe in Christianity, it is so horrible and so wrong.
I'm not sure what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting something different than I have found and I am disappointed. And yet, as I write this, I realize that likely the problem is that my expectations were off. People are people, no matter if they are gay, straight, black, white or purple. I have found in the lesbian community the sames things I see in the rest of the population. Some amazing people, some people I don't like at all and all people in between. It has been good to write this. It makes me remember the awesome women I have met. It makes me remember that if I want to find people in the lesbian community to have as a part of my life, I need to focus my energy on the awesome people and let the ones who bother me be who they are, far away from me.
Friday 5 April 2013
Suicide and Grief
I've been thinking a lot lately about my experiences with suicide and so this is what has been on my mind:
Too many times I've been too close to it
I was 12, in Grade 7
He was in my home room, in Grade 9
He was nice, made all us new kids welcome
I went back to school in Grade 8, he had killed himself over the summer
I didn't know how to deal
I was in high school
The son of friends of my parents killed himself
How to deal?
I was in my first year of university
4 attempts in my dorm of 60 people
1 person succeeded over Christmas
So sad
Again how to deal?
I'm in third year university
I hear of someone jumping out of an 8th floor window
I didn't know him, it didn't matter
Still affected me
I'm all of those ages. I don't know how to deal with all of these things.
I'm sad, I'm lonely
I don't know how to reach out for help
Many times I feel like maybe suicide is the only answer
So desperate
I'm 32 and struggling
In an emotionally abusive relationship
I end it, and he gets worse
How to cope? I can't deal
Things are getting worse
I'm 33 and still struggling
My job becomes the most abusive situation I have ever been in
I can't sleep, I can't be around people
I don't know what to do
I'm so anxious I can't hide it anymore
So lonely, so desperate
I'm standing at a street corner waiting for the light to change
I see a semi coming down the road
I think, I could walk in front of that truck, then I wouldn't have to deal anymore
I think, shit, that would kill my mother... and my father... and my sister
I hesitate and the truck goes by
The light changes and I walk to work... instead of turning the other way and walking to the hospital for help
So lonely, so scared, so at the end of my rope
I'm 34 and I meet a woman whose son took his own life
I see the pain it is still causing her many years later
I'm 36 and someone finally tells me bluntly that I have depression and should think about medication
Makes me accountable to at least come to terms with it
I tell my story of depression
Someone I know tells me his story of attempted suicide
I'm 38 and I'm finally finding a way to grieve all of the situations
Grieve for the people I know who couldn't find another way out
Grieve for the people who were so desperate that this looked like the only solution
Grieve for me, for being that desperate as well
Grieve because I will always understand the pain, fear, loneliness and desperation
Too many times I've been too close to it
I was 12, in Grade 7
He was in my home room, in Grade 9
He was nice, made all us new kids welcome
I went back to school in Grade 8, he had killed himself over the summer
I didn't know how to deal
I was in high school
The son of friends of my parents killed himself
How to deal?
I was in my first year of university
4 attempts in my dorm of 60 people
1 person succeeded over Christmas
So sad
Again how to deal?
I'm in third year university
I hear of someone jumping out of an 8th floor window
I didn't know him, it didn't matter
Still affected me
I'm all of those ages. I don't know how to deal with all of these things.
I'm sad, I'm lonely
I don't know how to reach out for help
Many times I feel like maybe suicide is the only answer
So desperate
I'm 32 and struggling
In an emotionally abusive relationship
I end it, and he gets worse
How to cope? I can't deal
Things are getting worse
I'm 33 and still struggling
My job becomes the most abusive situation I have ever been in
I can't sleep, I can't be around people
I don't know what to do
I'm so anxious I can't hide it anymore
So lonely, so desperate
I'm standing at a street corner waiting for the light to change
I see a semi coming down the road
I think, I could walk in front of that truck, then I wouldn't have to deal anymore
I think, shit, that would kill my mother... and my father... and my sister
I hesitate and the truck goes by
The light changes and I walk to work... instead of turning the other way and walking to the hospital for help
So lonely, so scared, so at the end of my rope
I'm 34 and I meet a woman whose son took his own life
I see the pain it is still causing her many years later
I'm 36 and someone finally tells me bluntly that I have depression and should think about medication
Makes me accountable to at least come to terms with it
I tell my story of depression
Someone I know tells me his story of attempted suicide
I'm 38 and I'm finally finding a way to grieve all of the situations
Grieve for the people I know who couldn't find another way out
Grieve for the people who were so desperate that this looked like the only solution
Grieve for me, for being that desperate as well
Grieve because I will always understand the pain, fear, loneliness and desperation
Thursday 28 March 2013
Aftermath
I just did something emotionally very difficult. Someone who has been a great friend of mine and I have been "on the outs" for awhile now. We are working at making things better again. How we got here is a well confusing to me, but in some ways I also get it. I think this is partially a consequence of my life for the past couple of years. I haven't been able to be a good friend, this I know. I needed so badly to focus on my life just to survive that some things fell through the cracks. It feels like this is one of those things. I also know there are other things.
I am very sad about the situation we are in right now. I am feeling more like I can handle things these days and so I hope that we can repair things. I also know it is time for me to start dealing with some of the other things that have fallen through the cracks.
I am very sad about the situation we are in right now. I am feeling more like I can handle things these days and so I hope that we can repair things. I also know it is time for me to start dealing with some of the other things that have fallen through the cracks.
Wednesday 13 March 2013
Shame
At group lately we've been talking about shame. This really has struck a chord with me. Although, at first I wasn't at all open to even thinking about it. Last night two of the women were talking to another woman about how some of her ways of interacting make it difficult to feel connected to her, or to get to know her really. This conversation made me really uncomfortable and I've been working out some of the why. For me, it comes back to shame.
I realize that in so many instances in my life the feedback I have been given has been in a way that was intended to make me feel shame. It was given in a way to make me feel like there was something wrong with who I am. And, I took it that way. I felt shame, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Not with my behaviour, but with me.
One example, which seems trivial but really wasn't in the moment. I've never been a night owl, never. Even when I was the age where people stayed up late and partied or pulled all nighters to study, I wasn't a night owl. I almost always was in bed before midnight. I was dating this guy a few years ago who was a night owl. He liked to stay up really late and then sleep in until noon or later. So, many a time when I was ready to go home or to bed at 10 he would go after me. He told me so often that there was something wrong with me because I wouldn't stay up late with him. And, I started to wonder if there really was something wrong.
When I first found a counsellor here where I live now I had another experience with shame. She was giving me some feedback about something or other and I took it really badly. I felt judged and defensive and angry. And, as I can now see in hindsight, shame. Shame for being a certain way. Shame for whatever it was that she pointed out. The thing is, she hadn't been trying to shame me, it was just my way of reacting. After we talked about this, I finally was able to find a way to take some of the feedback she gave. It was the first time that I can remember starting to believe that someone was telling me something to be helpful and didn't have any intention of being mean and nasty with it. I didn't realize it then, but this was actually a really big step for me.
So now, how am I feeling? I am scared that I will be next at group to receive the feedback and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I can trust that it is intended in a caring way and not in a way intended to shame me. I don't know if I can leave the shame aside and really take the feedback and do something with it. And yet, just being able to talk about shame and see it for what it is, is a big step for me. To even acknowledge this emotion is a big step. And really, talking about it, bringing it from the secret to the light, is the first step to making it smaller.
I think it must be normal to be scared in this situation. Shame is a tough emotion to deal with and manage.
I realize that in so many instances in my life the feedback I have been given has been in a way that was intended to make me feel shame. It was given in a way to make me feel like there was something wrong with who I am. And, I took it that way. I felt shame, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Not with my behaviour, but with me.
One example, which seems trivial but really wasn't in the moment. I've never been a night owl, never. Even when I was the age where people stayed up late and partied or pulled all nighters to study, I wasn't a night owl. I almost always was in bed before midnight. I was dating this guy a few years ago who was a night owl. He liked to stay up really late and then sleep in until noon or later. So, many a time when I was ready to go home or to bed at 10 he would go after me. He told me so often that there was something wrong with me because I wouldn't stay up late with him. And, I started to wonder if there really was something wrong.
When I first found a counsellor here where I live now I had another experience with shame. She was giving me some feedback about something or other and I took it really badly. I felt judged and defensive and angry. And, as I can now see in hindsight, shame. Shame for being a certain way. Shame for whatever it was that she pointed out. The thing is, she hadn't been trying to shame me, it was just my way of reacting. After we talked about this, I finally was able to find a way to take some of the feedback she gave. It was the first time that I can remember starting to believe that someone was telling me something to be helpful and didn't have any intention of being mean and nasty with it. I didn't realize it then, but this was actually a really big step for me.
So now, how am I feeling? I am scared that I will be next at group to receive the feedback and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I can trust that it is intended in a caring way and not in a way intended to shame me. I don't know if I can leave the shame aside and really take the feedback and do something with it. And yet, just being able to talk about shame and see it for what it is, is a big step for me. To even acknowledge this emotion is a big step. And really, talking about it, bringing it from the secret to the light, is the first step to making it smaller.
I think it must be normal to be scared in this situation. Shame is a tough emotion to deal with and manage.
Tuesday 5 March 2013
Accomplishments
At Group tonight we got talking about being sad because we haven't accomplished things in the last year. This didn't sit well with me.
I wonder how much happiness we as people deprive ourselves of because we focus on accomplishments and being sad because time passes and we don't feel like we have accomplished anything? It seems a shame to be that we measure happiness this way. Much of it was about jobs and relationships and having a family etc...
And so, what have I accomplished in the last year? I have accomplished many things, but I doubt many would show up on a lot of peoples lists of things to feel good about, but I do. I have accomplished love, friendship, self-discovery, joy, sadness, anger, life. I have learned new things about myself and the world. I have been a friend and had friends. I have been a daughter and a sister and an aunt.
But more than that, I have learned to feel my emotions. And to me this is the most amazing thing of all. I have done a lot of healing and growing and learning to live with depression.
I got talking about my nephews tonight and was talking about how I felt when the oldest one was born. And also how it took a long time for me to feel comfortable being left alone with him. I was also talking about how I babysat both of my nephews the other night and it was not only fine, but I really enjoyed it. For this I am grateful. I realized how very much I have accomplished in the last year or two. Nothing that a lot of people would measure or count as success, but I sure do.
I wonder how much happiness we as people deprive ourselves of because we focus on accomplishments and being sad because time passes and we don't feel like we have accomplished anything? It seems a shame to be that we measure happiness this way. Much of it was about jobs and relationships and having a family etc...
And so, what have I accomplished in the last year? I have accomplished many things, but I doubt many would show up on a lot of peoples lists of things to feel good about, but I do. I have accomplished love, friendship, self-discovery, joy, sadness, anger, life. I have learned new things about myself and the world. I have been a friend and had friends. I have been a daughter and a sister and an aunt.
But more than that, I have learned to feel my emotions. And to me this is the most amazing thing of all. I have done a lot of healing and growing and learning to live with depression.
I got talking about my nephews tonight and was talking about how I felt when the oldest one was born. And also how it took a long time for me to feel comfortable being left alone with him. I was also talking about how I babysat both of my nephews the other night and it was not only fine, but I really enjoyed it. For this I am grateful. I realized how very much I have accomplished in the last year or two. Nothing that a lot of people would measure or count as success, but I sure do.
Sunday 17 February 2013
Family Day Weekend
It's Family Day weekend here where I live. I was thinking about previous Family Day weekends today. I have an up and down history with this weekend.
For a few years, a few years ago now, I worked at a place that was targeted for families and tourists. Family Day was always the busiest day of the year. Work was crazy... but not in a bad way. Mostly it was fun and time sure went fast. I was always tired at the end of the day and generally my voice wasn't doing so well.
5 years ago Family Day weekend was a totally different story. My life was a disaster. I had been dealing with a bully at least once a day and generally more than that. And I was still expected to be my normal self. I had such bad anxiety that I was barely sleeping. It had been 3 weeks of the bully when the family day weekend arrived. And I couldn't take it anymore.
So, I found myself at my parents house, a three hour drive away. I spent the whole weekend letting them take care of me, and crying. Now, I am one of those people that doesn't cry easily and at that time even harder to make me cry than it is now. I had no idea what to do to make things in my life better. I was scared and unable to cope. I didn't even know how to tell my parents about it really, but to their credit they did what they could, what I would let them, to be there for me and to help. To put it bluntly I was in crisis (it was about 3 weeks later when I very seriously considered killing myself).
When I think about how bad things were I am actually crying. Crying for how bad things were. Crying for how terrified I was. Crying for how long it took me to get help.
Funny though that was the weekend that ultimately would change things for me. That was the weekend I decided to move to the city my parents live in. Somewhere I knew I needed change, I needed help, I needed support. And, I knew that my parents and my sister were the people I needed to support me through that (add in my brother-in-law and nephews since then). It took my awhile to make the move happen and the crisis got worse in the meantime, but I did take action to make it happen.
When I look at how things are now, 5 years later, it's amazing to me. My life is so different. I have been learning to live with depression. I have come out. I have so many more tools to deal with things than I did then. I know myself so much better. I know a lot more about what is really important to me and I am making choices to honour that (including hanging out with my family this weekend and the only tears were those of laughter as my nephew is hilarious). My life is not perfect (frankly whose is?). My life is mine though. It is no longer horrible. I am no longer in crisis. For these things I am truly grateful this Family Day.
For a few years, a few years ago now, I worked at a place that was targeted for families and tourists. Family Day was always the busiest day of the year. Work was crazy... but not in a bad way. Mostly it was fun and time sure went fast. I was always tired at the end of the day and generally my voice wasn't doing so well.
5 years ago Family Day weekend was a totally different story. My life was a disaster. I had been dealing with a bully at least once a day and generally more than that. And I was still expected to be my normal self. I had such bad anxiety that I was barely sleeping. It had been 3 weeks of the bully when the family day weekend arrived. And I couldn't take it anymore.
So, I found myself at my parents house, a three hour drive away. I spent the whole weekend letting them take care of me, and crying. Now, I am one of those people that doesn't cry easily and at that time even harder to make me cry than it is now. I had no idea what to do to make things in my life better. I was scared and unable to cope. I didn't even know how to tell my parents about it really, but to their credit they did what they could, what I would let them, to be there for me and to help. To put it bluntly I was in crisis (it was about 3 weeks later when I very seriously considered killing myself).
When I think about how bad things were I am actually crying. Crying for how bad things were. Crying for how terrified I was. Crying for how long it took me to get help.
Funny though that was the weekend that ultimately would change things for me. That was the weekend I decided to move to the city my parents live in. Somewhere I knew I needed change, I needed help, I needed support. And, I knew that my parents and my sister were the people I needed to support me through that (add in my brother-in-law and nephews since then). It took my awhile to make the move happen and the crisis got worse in the meantime, but I did take action to make it happen.
When I look at how things are now, 5 years later, it's amazing to me. My life is so different. I have been learning to live with depression. I have come out. I have so many more tools to deal with things than I did then. I know myself so much better. I know a lot more about what is really important to me and I am making choices to honour that (including hanging out with my family this weekend and the only tears were those of laughter as my nephew is hilarious). My life is not perfect (frankly whose is?). My life is mine though. It is no longer horrible. I am no longer in crisis. For these things I am truly grateful this Family Day.
Letting it go
I recently had a very interesting revelation about myself and how I have often dealt with negative emotions. I was talking to my mum and she was talking about how a lot of things that bother other people don't bother her. My thought was, how awesome, and how great that is.
As we were talking though, I realized that so often I have said I am not bothered by things. The thing is, for me, this isn't true. I do feel things, lots of things bother me. Instead of actually letting things go, or not being bothered, I have pretended I am ok when really all I have been doing is ignoring or repressing the emotion. Eventually, this made me feel like I had no right to feel my own emotions and was part of the cause of depression for me. I am only capable of burying emotions for so long and then it has a bad effect.
I've said many times I wouldn't let myself feel anything for a long time. While this is true, I am starting to see that it came from a place where I didn't feel like I had a right to feel anything. I shouldn't be bothered by things and if I am then there must be something wrong with me.
Seeing this is helping me figure out how to look at things differently. Emotions are what they are. If something bothers me, it bothers me. Period. No need to pretend it doesn't. What I do with it is much more important. It's ok to feel things. I have a right to my emotions. Lots of times the emotions are not worth holding on to. But, I need to acknowledge that they are there and figure out what to do with them, instead of pretending I don't feel anything. Often, letting the emotions go is the right thing to do, but when this is a conscious decision and not an automatic unhealthy pattern, what a huge difference it makes to how I feel about myself.
Feeling things isn't always fun, but it is a normal part of being me. Choosing what to do with the emotions instead of ignoring them away is a much healthier way for me to live.
As we were talking though, I realized that so often I have said I am not bothered by things. The thing is, for me, this isn't true. I do feel things, lots of things bother me. Instead of actually letting things go, or not being bothered, I have pretended I am ok when really all I have been doing is ignoring or repressing the emotion. Eventually, this made me feel like I had no right to feel my own emotions and was part of the cause of depression for me. I am only capable of burying emotions for so long and then it has a bad effect.
I've said many times I wouldn't let myself feel anything for a long time. While this is true, I am starting to see that it came from a place where I didn't feel like I had a right to feel anything. I shouldn't be bothered by things and if I am then there must be something wrong with me.
Seeing this is helping me figure out how to look at things differently. Emotions are what they are. If something bothers me, it bothers me. Period. No need to pretend it doesn't. What I do with it is much more important. It's ok to feel things. I have a right to my emotions. Lots of times the emotions are not worth holding on to. But, I need to acknowledge that they are there and figure out what to do with them, instead of pretending I don't feel anything. Often, letting the emotions go is the right thing to do, but when this is a conscious decision and not an automatic unhealthy pattern, what a huge difference it makes to how I feel about myself.
Feeling things isn't always fun, but it is a normal part of being me. Choosing what to do with the emotions instead of ignoring them away is a much healthier way for me to live.
Friday 25 January 2013
Calm
The last week or so I have been feeling very calm, and awake. These are really 2 new things for me. I've been tired for a long time now... years really so it is so nice to feel like I can get enough sleep. And the calm feeling is amazing. Seems like my new meds really are making a difference.
I am really trying hard to use this time to work on some things that will help me in the long run. Things like paying attention to my emotions, thinking about what I want to be doing, making my place nice for me.
I feel like I am in a good place right now and I am celebrating that.
Friday 4 January 2013
Lonely
Recently I have been feeling lonely. This is a fairly familiar feeling for me.
I have been living in my current city for 4.5 years now and I still feel like I don't really have a gang of friends. I know on some level it is unfair to judge myself based on this time frame as I have gone through a lot in the last few years and really am only now starting to figure some things out. But, it doesn't change the loneliness.
I have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. My social life has really consisted of my family or of social groups I belong to (minus a couple of days visiting a friend where I used to live). This thing is, feeling on the edge of things has been so much of my life experience. The other thing is I'm pretty sure this is a consequence of depression.
Depression has been part of my life for so long. It coloured how I interacted with people. When I think of the few good friends I do have, they are from a certain couple of years when things were better. But since then, I have seen the world through darkness. It has been difficult to connect with people, in ways I don't really understand yet. I so often feel like I get to a certain stage in a relationship with others and then it stalls. Is it me? Is it them? Is it the kind of people I am drawn to? Am I scared to be vulnerable and so I make sure that I won't have to be? Is it a combination of things? All sorts of questions, good questions. But no answers.
I'm not sure what to do with this. The point of going to group therapy is to help with this. I can only hope it does.
I have been living in my current city for 4.5 years now and I still feel like I don't really have a gang of friends. I know on some level it is unfair to judge myself based on this time frame as I have gone through a lot in the last few years and really am only now starting to figure some things out. But, it doesn't change the loneliness.
I have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. My social life has really consisted of my family or of social groups I belong to (minus a couple of days visiting a friend where I used to live). This thing is, feeling on the edge of things has been so much of my life experience. The other thing is I'm pretty sure this is a consequence of depression.
Depression has been part of my life for so long. It coloured how I interacted with people. When I think of the few good friends I do have, they are from a certain couple of years when things were better. But since then, I have seen the world through darkness. It has been difficult to connect with people, in ways I don't really understand yet. I so often feel like I get to a certain stage in a relationship with others and then it stalls. Is it me? Is it them? Is it the kind of people I am drawn to? Am I scared to be vulnerable and so I make sure that I won't have to be? Is it a combination of things? All sorts of questions, good questions. But no answers.
I'm not sure what to do with this. The point of going to group therapy is to help with this. I can only hope it does.
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