Stereotypes

The other night I was out with some people after a dodgeball game and it came out in conversation that I am gay.  One guy then said that he guessed he couldn't tell me any gay jokes anymore.  I said I wasn't that easily offended.  One of the other ladies said she was offended.  Her thought was that in our society homophobic jokes are too often used and she knows too many people who have been treated poorly because of their sexual orientation.

This really got me thinking about jokes and stereotypes in general.  Why do we tell jokes, why do we keep perpetuating the stereotypes?  It seems to me that we use these "tools" to dehumanize other groups of people, to make them all alike, and to keep the "us" and "them" mentality.  By spreading poor images of the "others" we are able to prop ourselves up.  I think it keeps us from having to get to know people as people, from seeing each individual as just that, an individual.

It's not like I have a tendency to tell a lot of jokes, or perpetuate stereotypes, but by telling people I am not that easily offended, I am allowing it to happen and on some level become a part of the spreading of these thoughts.  As I don't agree with this behaviour (even though I am guilty of it often), I will make more of an effort to pay attention and to the best of my ability not be a part of it.

Foundation

I've been thinking lately about what it is I base my life on, what my foundation is?

When I was a kid, I based my decisions on what my parents and other adults in my life taught me.  I didn't question these things because as a kid you think your parents have it all figured out.  Once I became an adult I was heavily involved in religion.  I used that to form the basis of what I considered to be right and wrong and really the cornerstone of my life.

My faith has unravelled along with everything else.  There are many things about Christianity that I no longer believe and many of them are fundamental enough that I would be a hypocrite to call myself Christian any longer.  So, now what?  I have never really taken the time to figure out what I base my decisions on, how I live my life, how I want to be in the world.  It is rather unsettling to be at this point.

I guess, the place to start is to look at what I have learned from my experiences and take what I want from that and get rid of the rest.  This will certainly be a challenging process, but one worth the effort I truly believe.

Acceptance

I truly believe that for a lot of people depression does a number on self-esteem.  Or maybe it is the other way around, depression is a result of low self-esteem.  I am not an expert, but I do know my own experience.  For a long time I didn't really know what it meant to have self-esteem.  I thought mine was really good, but I can see now that the things about myself I thought highly of were not sustainable.  My whole self-worth was linked to achievements instead of really believing that who I am is ok.

Acceptance of who I am, all of me, has been a slow process, but it is coming.  For me acceptance has looked like:

• knowing that I am human and will make mistakes
• knowing that perfection is not a good goal
• accepting that I am worthy of care and attention from me and from others
• knowing that I can ask for help and is a more self-loving thing to do than being independent and isolated
• knowing that I can love and be loved
• not trying to twist myself around to meet someone else's approval, but knowing that if who I am doesn't work then the situation is not right.

These things may sound basic, but for me they have been a big struggle and I suspect something I will need to pay attention to for the rest of my life.  

People in my corner

As I move along in this journey of mine I am more and more grateful for the people in my life who have and are helping me through this.  My mum listened to me talk a lot about this journey this past weekend, well and really the past 7 months.  She has been so supportive, I am not sure what I would have done without her.  Thanks mum, love you lots.  My sister also has been there for me in more ways than she probably realizes, thanks to you also.  There have been many others who have been there for me to lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a joke or whatever I have needed.  Tonight I am so thankful for all of you.  You may think what you have done is little or you may realize how big it is.  Know that I noticed and you have helped.  Please keep hanging in there with me.  Things are looking up and I want to be able to share that with you also.

Redefining Wellness

When people used to ask me what I was good at I often said taking care of myself.  I can see now that what I meant by that was very different that looking after myself.  What I meant by that was that I didn't need to me in a relationship, I didn't need a man to take care of me, I was perfectly capable of handling things on my own.  I could earn a paycheque, find somewhere to live, cook, clean etc...  But what I wasn't doing is paying attention to my other needs, emotional, physical, spiritual, mental.

What I know now is that I have all sorts of needs that must be met for me to be happy with my life.  I  need to pay attention to that and ask for what I need, speak up, be visible instead of invisible.  Being well is about so many things.  I know I need to pay attention to what I eat so that I have energy for my day.  For me it also means not always trying to do things alone, accepting help and letting other people care for me when I need it.  It means managing my life so I am not always at home alone, but also making sure I leave enough time to be alone and have down time.  It means spending time with the people I love and care about.

If I am not paying attention to all aspects of who I am then I don't really feel alive, some part of me is in hiding and this leads to depression.  Through learning to pay more attention to all of me I am more able to experience life, the good and the bad.

Today Part 2

Today was a good day.  No stress, no drama, no feeling down, just life.  Walked to work, worked all day, walked home and off to play dodgeball this evening.  These days are precious to me as they are new.  They are also signs of hope that things are actually getting better.

Shades of grey

I was out for dinner tonight with a new friend and we had a really good chat.  Funny how sometimes you just connect with people and get past the superficialities of life in short order.  Anyhow, her life has been very very different from mine.  Kids, divorces, sleeping around, cheating.  All things that in one point in my life would have made me recoil and not want anything to do with this person.  But as I am learning, some through getting older, and some through my journey with depression, life is not that simple.  Everyone learns and grows and changes as they go along.  And sometimes decisions we make have huge consequences that change the course of our lives in ways we never could have anticipated.  The thing is, we had a lovely dinner and a great chat and in a lot of ways we have a lot in common.  She has been through depression and we are both working on learning a lot of the same lessons.  We may have come to this point on different paths, but at this point I believe we can help each other.  We all have history, we all have baggage.  It's really what we do with it that makes us who we are.

Counselling

Today I went to see a psychologist, the same one I have been going to for quite some time now.  Every time I go there I feel like I have thrown all my guts on the table, gathered them up in a bag and then brought them home, where I have to find a way to put them all back in again.  I am emotionally spent after this generally, but the thing is that every time I learn a little bit more about where to put things so that things are better.  It's always a hard process, but rewarding also.  (If it isn't making things better why am I paying her right?)  Getting the perspective of someone who is not emotionally attached to you is helpful as they can be more objective.  I am glad to have found someone to talk to who is a good fit for me.

Today

I haven't written a lot lately.  It is summer and I have been out enjoying the nicer days.  Today I feel compelled to write.  I am not feeling strong today.  I feel weak and anxious and down and tired.  I wonder what the future will hold?  I wonder when I will wake up and not think about depression, anxiety and the causes thereof?  I wonder when my life will feel settled?  I wonder when I will feel like I can say that I am recovered instead of in the middle of it?  I am sure days like this are normal for anyone dealing with difficult health challenges and it some ways that makes me feel better.  I can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

The unexpected

It's funny how things we don't anticipate can totally change the way we view the world.  I heard a story today of someone I know deciding to become an American citizen after 9-11 because all of a sudden it actually felt like her homeland.  I heard another story of some good that came out of the Vancouver riots after the Stanley Cup final.  A man in Nova Scotia will soon turn 100 and his wish for his birthday was to see his estranged son.  No one knew the whereabouts of the son.  After the riots some TV station was doing a story of the effect on the homeless in Vancouver and someone recognized the estranged son.  They went to Vancouver and found him and took him home to see his dad.  Good from bad.  Changed views because of the unexpected.

I for so long ran from a diagnosis of depression.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  I was scared of the stigma, scared of being on medication, scared of discovering the real causes of my depression, scared to know myself, just plain scared.  Since accepting and getting help for my depression I see the world differently.  While there may still be some stigma about it out there, I know that a lot of it was in my head as my own fears.  Taking medication isn't the end of the world.  What I can see now is that I was in really bad shape and  living with the medications is better than feeling like I did then.

And the biggest thing has been really getting to know myself.  Stopping the pretending and really understanding what was driving me to act in certain ways.  This has been terribly hard and terribly rewarding all at the same time.  If you had told me even a year ago that I would feel this way, that I would come to accept depression as a part of me, that I would come to accept some of the other things about myself that I have, I would have laughed at you.  I guess I probably could have anticipated crashing if I had let myself, but really it was unexpected for me.  And yet, this is better.  Living as a whole person (at least I am on the way there) instead of ignoring so much of who I am is better.  I feel alive instead of in a fog.

Someone said to me that she wouldn't wish depression on her worst enemy, yet she wouldn't change having gone through it.  Considering that I have been suffering with this for a long long time, I also wouldn't change the healing process.  I am finally learning how to live, how to be alive, how to be all of me.  For me the unexpected has changed my view of myself and of the world.  Bad to good.

Work, Career and Priorities

As I think more about what is important to me the word balance keeps coming up again and again.  And so I start to think about works' role in my life.  I believe that everyone places some importance on work, but we all have to find where that fits in our lives.  Is our job a career, or a job?  Do we get our fulfillment there and/or elsewhere?  Do we define ourselves by our job solely or are other roles we play in the world equally or more important?  How high a value do we put on doing good work, great work or getting the next promotion?  Are we motivated by money, challenging work, other perks or other things?  I'd say for each of us there will be a different answer to all of these questions.

For a long time I didn't ever think about these questions, I just went along with the popular opinion.  In most work settings this opinion has been that everyone is looking for the next promotion and will do anything they can to get it.  The assumption also was that work was ultra-important and other things were secondary.  At least this was the opinion of a couple of people I had for bosses.  And so I bought into that balance of life (please don't get me wrong here, I am not criticizing if that balance works, I am only exploring my own thoughts on the matter).  The thing is that that is all wrong for me.

I work so I can pay for other things; food, shelter, clothing, plane tickets, gasoline, toys, etc...  Work for me is really a means to an end and not an end in itself.  When I go along with the idea that work is the most important thing, I lose sight of the things I really value and forget what it is that makes me happy.  I have done this a lot in my life and living that way leads me to depression, or at least makes the depression worse.

On the flip side, I am very glad to be employed.  I currently have a job that I like reasonably well, it is generally interesting, has a good work environment and the people are great.  These are important things to me, because as much as work is a means to an end, it is an important means and it takes a lot of time and energy.  I care about doing a good job, I care about keeping my job etc... 

So going forward, does anything change?  I think when my job gets stressful or I get anxious about it, or start to feel depressed about it, remembering it's place in my values will be critical.  I don't think it really changes anything in my day to day, but it does mean paying better attention to where I put all my energy.  For me it means leaving work at work and outside of work time focusing on the other things in my  life that are important, instead of letting work become all consuming.  It also means that if I can't do this in the job I have at any given time, then I need to consider if that job is right for me.

Talking

I've been thinking a bit lately about this blog and why I started it and continue to write.  Depression is so common out there and so often not talked about.  For me, and I know for many others, this is extremely isolating.  Depression really did make me feel like I was going crazy and like there was something wrong with me.  I knew things weren't right, but I was so far from being able to manage and deal with it.  Since I started writing and telling people about what has been going on with me, it is amazing how many stories I have heard from other people who are going through it, have been through it or know someone else who deals with depression/anxiety.  I wonder if I had known some of this beforehand if it would have helped me?  My guess is yes.

And so I share my story for a few reasons.  Firstly, I know I am not alone in dealing with depression.  It affects a lot of people.  I hope that others can relate to what I have to say and find ways to help themselves that way.  Secondly, it really helps me to write things out.  It makes me pay attention to what is going on with me and find ways to articulate it.  Also, I like writing and am able to tap my creative side when I write.  I think for me this is critical as depression is something that is making me think about how to live my life differently.  Often this is taking creativity of thought to see what the next step might be.  Thirdly, I hope that others will find ways to talk about this disorder.  Keeping it quiet is makes it so much harder when you are in the middle of it.  I encourage you to talk to people about this, you may never know who you are helping.

I have found that there is a general acceptance out there that people with depression are not crazy.  We say there is a lot of stigma out there about depression, but I wonder if that stigma is more our own creation.  I know I was afraid to admit to it myself because I didn't really understand depression, medications and treatments that come with it.  I was scared to death of the next step.  And truthfully because I was struggling so much with it, I had no idea what to expect when telling other people.  What I have found though is strength, my own and from others.  I am grateful for this.

Through my journey so far I have learned to accept depression as part of my life.  I may end up healed and never deal with it again, or I may have to learn to live with it.  Either way, it is something that is part of what shapes me.  I have learned to not be afraid of it, of talking about it, of thinking about it and of letting it be a part of me.

Happy People

I just spent a couple of days with a friend in Digby, NS (and another friend from Maine).  I got to meet a lot of my Digby friends circle of friends.  They are all such happy people.  We hung around with a few drinks, some funny stories, a camp fire, sitting at the lake etc...  It's amazing how great it is to be around people that are pretty much content with their lives and show it.  It is relaxing and definitely makes everyone around feel good.  It really made me realize how much being totally ok with the way your life is matters.  I am now inspired to look at my life and decide what I like about it and what I don't and change those things that I can.  My counsellor has been trying to hammer home the point that we get to choose our lives.  This is finally sinking in for me.