It's Family Day weekend here where I live. I was thinking about previous Family Day weekends today. I have an up and down history with this weekend.
For a few years, a few years ago now, I worked at a place that was targeted for families and tourists. Family Day was always the busiest day of the year. Work was crazy... but not in a bad way. Mostly it was fun and time sure went fast. I was always tired at the end of the day and generally my voice wasn't doing so well.
5 years ago Family Day weekend was a totally different story. My life was a disaster. I had been dealing with a bully at least once a day and generally more than that. And I was still expected to be my normal self. I had such bad anxiety that I was barely sleeping. It had been 3 weeks of the bully when the family day weekend arrived. And I couldn't take it anymore.
So, I found myself at my parents house, a three hour drive away. I spent the whole weekend letting them take care of me, and crying. Now, I am one of those people that doesn't cry easily and at that time even harder to make me cry than it is now. I had no idea what to do to make things in my life better. I was scared and unable to cope. I didn't even know how to tell my parents about it really, but to their credit they did what they could, what I would let them, to be there for me and to help. To put it bluntly I was in crisis (it was about 3 weeks later when I very seriously considered killing myself).
When I think about how bad things were I am actually crying. Crying for how bad things were. Crying for how terrified I was. Crying for how long it took me to get help.
Funny though that was the weekend that ultimately would change things for me. That was the weekend I decided to move to the city my parents live in. Somewhere I knew I needed change, I needed help, I needed support. And, I knew that my parents and my sister were the people I needed to support me through that (add in my brother-in-law and nephews since then). It took my awhile to make the move happen and the crisis got worse in the meantime, but I did take action to make it happen.
When I look at how things are now, 5 years later, it's amazing to me. My life is so different. I have been learning to live with depression. I have come out. I have so many more tools to deal with things than I did then. I know myself so much better. I know a lot more about what is really important to me and I am making choices to honour that (including hanging out with my family this weekend and the only tears were those of laughter as my nephew is hilarious). My life is not perfect (frankly whose is?). My life is mine though. It is no longer horrible. I am no longer in crisis. For these things I am truly grateful this Family Day.
Sunday 17 February 2013
Letting it go
I recently had a very interesting revelation about myself and how I have often dealt with negative emotions. I was talking to my mum and she was talking about how a lot of things that bother other people don't bother her. My thought was, how awesome, and how great that is.
As we were talking though, I realized that so often I have said I am not bothered by things. The thing is, for me, this isn't true. I do feel things, lots of things bother me. Instead of actually letting things go, or not being bothered, I have pretended I am ok when really all I have been doing is ignoring or repressing the emotion. Eventually, this made me feel like I had no right to feel my own emotions and was part of the cause of depression for me. I am only capable of burying emotions for so long and then it has a bad effect.
I've said many times I wouldn't let myself feel anything for a long time. While this is true, I am starting to see that it came from a place where I didn't feel like I had a right to feel anything. I shouldn't be bothered by things and if I am then there must be something wrong with me.
Seeing this is helping me figure out how to look at things differently. Emotions are what they are. If something bothers me, it bothers me. Period. No need to pretend it doesn't. What I do with it is much more important. It's ok to feel things. I have a right to my emotions. Lots of times the emotions are not worth holding on to. But, I need to acknowledge that they are there and figure out what to do with them, instead of pretending I don't feel anything. Often, letting the emotions go is the right thing to do, but when this is a conscious decision and not an automatic unhealthy pattern, what a huge difference it makes to how I feel about myself.
Feeling things isn't always fun, but it is a normal part of being me. Choosing what to do with the emotions instead of ignoring them away is a much healthier way for me to live.
As we were talking though, I realized that so often I have said I am not bothered by things. The thing is, for me, this isn't true. I do feel things, lots of things bother me. Instead of actually letting things go, or not being bothered, I have pretended I am ok when really all I have been doing is ignoring or repressing the emotion. Eventually, this made me feel like I had no right to feel my own emotions and was part of the cause of depression for me. I am only capable of burying emotions for so long and then it has a bad effect.
I've said many times I wouldn't let myself feel anything for a long time. While this is true, I am starting to see that it came from a place where I didn't feel like I had a right to feel anything. I shouldn't be bothered by things and if I am then there must be something wrong with me.
Seeing this is helping me figure out how to look at things differently. Emotions are what they are. If something bothers me, it bothers me. Period. No need to pretend it doesn't. What I do with it is much more important. It's ok to feel things. I have a right to my emotions. Lots of times the emotions are not worth holding on to. But, I need to acknowledge that they are there and figure out what to do with them, instead of pretending I don't feel anything. Often, letting the emotions go is the right thing to do, but when this is a conscious decision and not an automatic unhealthy pattern, what a huge difference it makes to how I feel about myself.
Feeling things isn't always fun, but it is a normal part of being me. Choosing what to do with the emotions instead of ignoring them away is a much healthier way for me to live.
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