Doing better

It occurred to me today as I was puttering around running errands that I really no longer feel depressed.  I still have a number of things I am sorting through, but I feel a lot more able to see them for what they are and use the rational side of my brain to look at them.  It is nice to wake up in the morning and not dread the day, not wonder how on earth I am going to manage until I can go to bed again.  It is just so nice to feel more level and grounded and like not everything is a big deal.  It is nice to feel like my reactions are in proportion to what is actually happening, for the most part.

It's hard to know at this point how much is the anti-depressants and how much is me, but really that doesn't matter.  The point of taking the anti-depressants is to get to this point where I am able to look at my life and find ways to handle things in a way that is better for me.  For now I will take the benefits of the medication and work on the things I need to so that when it does come time to think about stopping them I will be in a position to do so.  I know that for some people they take them for life, and if that is what happens I'll be ok with that also.

An article I wrote

I had an article published in the Globe and Mail today.  Here is the link:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-nephews-birth-gave-me-hope/article2040196/

Taking stock

After arriving home from my road trip I think it is now time to take stock of things.  Where am I in this journey, what are my successes, where can I see there is more work to be done?

Successes:

• Writing this blog
• Sharing my story
• Admitting to depression
• Taking time to think about what I need
• Letting others help me
• Knowing better what I need and how others can help me
• Finding new ways to bring balance into my life
• Digging through the muck (thanks Amber, such a great word) in my head
• Feeling and processing a lot of painful things
• Finding many of the causes of depression

Things to work on:

• Confidence that who I am is ok
• Paying more attention to what it is that I need going forward, rather than dealing with the past pain
• Letting people know who I am on the inside
• Connecting with friends on a more consistent basis

I am sure there are others for both categories, but that is the list for the moment

The Value of Friends

I've been spending some time on my road trip visiting with friends that I have known for a long time.  It's amazing to me how comfortable that is.  Both of their homes are places where I feel completely at home and like I can be myself, I've let all my guards down.  I am so glad to have people like this in my life.  It's very refreshing and makes me feel whole again.  It is helpful for getting in touch with parts of me that I don't usually connect with.  

Friends are invaluable in life and especially for me right now as I start to rebuild my life in a way that is better for me.  To all my friends thank you for being there for me and helping rediscover who I am at the core.

Connection

Driving for days on end alone gives you lots of time to think.  So here are some of the results of the thinking.  This journey I am on is not about being happy.  It is about connection.  Connection to myself, connection to how I feel and who I am.  It is about learning to pay attention to me.  In the end this looks like knowing better what makes me happy, sad, alive, out of it etc...  I may be happy, I may be sad, I may be angry, but it's important to recognize that.  Connection to life, love, hate, emotion etc... also comes with this. 

I am getting so much better at this of late.  It stills feels hard and like a lot of work, but I see results which gives me hope and encouragement.  Thank you all for being a part of my journey.  Please keep sharing my journey and feeling free to share your own as well.

A better day

This will be short as I only have about 3 minutes of internet time left.

Today is a better day.  I am glad to have reached out though because feeling down and thinking of suicide is scary.  I know that asking for people to be there for me is a much better way to go.  I know that there are a lot of people out there who love me and who I love and all of us would be worse off if I ever decided to follow through.  The thing is that I need to write the good stuff and that bad stuff to truly reflect what is going on with me.  Today I am watching the waves and surfers off the Oregon coast and enjoying the sun.  The world is just fine.

Attention and help

As anyone who has dealt with, or is dealing with, depression can attest to there are good days and bad, good moments and bad.  The other day I had one of the really bad times.  It was awfully strange timing though.  I was in Tofino, BC (on the west coast of Vancouver Island), which by all accounts is a most lovely spot to be.  I was resting on some rocks right next to the ocean.  It was beautiful and lovely, and might I add my birthday.  As I was resting I starting contemplating how I would attempt suicide and before I realized it I had planned it all out.  So scary.  (For the record as I write this I am not feeling suicidal).  Thankfully a good friend of mine was with me in Tofino and so I talked it out with her for awhile.  I was feeling better after that.

Since then I have been thinking about why I wanted to think about suicide.  Do I really want to do anything with that?  Am I really feeling suicidal at times?  My answer is no, but I am closer to it than I want to be.  I also realized that the plan unfolded more as a cry for attention, a cry for help, than as a real suicide plan.

So, in a less dramatic fashion I shall ask for attention, ask for help.  Please check on me sometimes.  Don't be shy to ask me how I am doing, how I am managing, where I am at in my journey, how I feel about the depression etc...  I am getting better at telling people how I feel, but at times I feel tired and discouraged and would appreciate it if someone else could be strong for me for a bit.  I will talk about it if asked, but sometimes I don't have the energy to start the conversation.

Up and Down

I challenged myself to be in the moment and enjoy things as they are on this road trip.  I have succeeded at times and not at others.  This is no unexpected really.  I still have a lot of things on my mind that I am trying to sort through and long hours in the car alone is a good time to do this.  On the other hand some of the experiences I have had have been great and I have been able to enjoy them. For example surfing in Tofino, that was fantastic and I was right there in it.  I am glad that I am finding ways to be in the moment better than I used to be.  That is certainly a good thing. 

Some of the down moments have been particularly bad though, which is not so pleasant and a bit scary.  I guess now that I am opening myself up to the range of emotion, it is the full range, from the really  good to the really bad and really down. 

In the moment

Sometimes life has a way of making you stay in the moment, whether you want to or not.  My drive from Calgary to Hope, BC was often that way.  I left the city in rain, drove through a blizzard near Banff, more rain for awhile, sun near Salmon Arm, and then more snow on both passes of the Coquihalla.  In bad weather conditions, you pay attention or crash.  It's good practice for paying attention to the other aspects of life, and a good analogy also.  Pay attention to yourself or have another depression crash. 

The Challenge

I am heading out on a road trip (in my view the quintessential western Canadian thing to do) with a challenge.  My challenge is to enjoy every moment, to be in the moment, to reap the rewards of all the hard work I have done to get to this point.  This is the payoff for dealing with all the tough stuff.  Stay tuned for the results.

Great Video on the stigma of Mental illnes

A friend sent me this clip.  It is worth the 3 minutes to watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z94xofA35Y4&feature=player_embedded

What does "normal" feel like?

I've been living with depression for so long that I really have no clue what "normal" feels like.  I know that I no longer feel like I am living in a fog and can't cope (most of the time).  I have energy to make it through whole days without a nap.  I no longer sleep 14 hours a day.  I've started eating again.  I  am not getting my energy from anxiety and drama in my life.  These things are all positive.  But is how I feel normal?  I don't really have any way to measure if a down day is normal or a depression day.   And, will I feel this way when I stop taking the anti-depressants?  I guess in the end I would certainly rather feel how I feel today than how I felt for oh so long. 

Support

It's interesting to me that as this journey goes on I learn more and more about myself, and other people.  I was thinking today why it is easier to let some people and not others be a part of this journey.  One thing that occurred to me is that I am not interested in peoples pity.  The truth is that I have only gone down the road of self-pity a couple of times.  I know it is not the road to healing.

I do not want pity from others either.  I  am making changes in my life and this is often hard and challenging, but it is the only road to healing that I can see.  What I really need from people is support, help, friendship...  As I learn about myself, I learn more about what I need those things to look like.  To me having people around is crucial.  I am rather good at hiding and pretending that everything is ok.  The trouble with this is that it is an extremely lonely existance.  I am getting much better at reaching out and asking people to be there for me.  Change is slow, change is hard, but without it I remain stuck in depression.  With it there is hope and joy and sorrow and pain.

Tonight there is something brewing in my mind.  It is the hardest thing yet, but hard in a different kind of way.  So much of the other stuff I have been dealing with had a pretty clear path to resolution.  This one is harder as the answers aren't so clear cut.  On the flip side it is also easier because it is not a particularly painful thing to deal with, only challenging.

New Friends

I had a lovely evening out tonight with a relatively new friend.  It's funny how the one thing in common that has really solidified us being friends is having depression.  For my friend, a few years ago.  The truth is that I have a few friends around who really get it.  I wouldn't wish depression on anyhow, but there are times when I really need to talk to people who totally understand, so I am glad to have these people in my life.

Pandora's Box

The whole process of learning to live with depression has been about learning to be myself.  So much of what leads me to depression and anxiety is trying to be who I think I should be, instead of being who I am.  Through this process I took the lid off Pandora's box.  It seems so far like there is no bottom to the box.  I have been very successful at burying things I don't want to deal with.  At first the things coming out of the box were hard, challenging and painful.  Slowly I am dealing with those and letting them out into the world.  Now there are other things coming out of the box.  Things that are more fundamentally who I am.  Not so much painful, but tough.  Dilemma's rather than problems. 

This still requires a lot of energy, but it is not so painful.  It is sad because I feel like I have lost so much by not discovering myself before now, but I can't change that. 

A vent

For this blog to be a true reflection of learning to live with depression, the bad times should be reflected also.  Frankly tonight I am tired right out.  Physically tired from the physio and mentally tired.  Tired of feeling like everything is hard, tired of feeling like I constantly have to pay better attention to my life, tired of dealing with depression, tired of being tired.  I want it to be all better, I want to stop having to deal with things. 

Good and right and true

I've probably mentioned before, one of the major contributors to depression for me is hiding my real self.  There is something inside me that says, don't be vulnerable, it can only lead to hurt and pain.  (Ok, so writing this blog stamps on that pretty quickly).  The thing is that hiding leads to anxiety and depression for me. I realize now that that is worse.  The thing is my life has to be about what I think it good and right and true, not what other people think.  Who I am, is who I am. 

Part of this for me is figuring out what it is that I find fun.  It makes me sad just making that statement because it seems like one of those things that people should know.  But I am only really letting myself discover that, and not just going along to get along.  One thing that is fun  for me is writing, so this blog is fun, even though often I am writing about tough stuff.  I've been playing dodgeball which is super fun. 

Another part is really figuring out what kind of lifestyle I want to have.  I have been running away and going on the anxiety for so long, and that really led to a "be busy" all the time lifestyle.  Right now I don't have the energy for that so my life is pretty slow.  For now that's ok, but I suspect as time goes on there will need to be some sort of balance there.