2 years ago

Two years ago today I started taking anti-depressants.  That was the day I finally accepted that I needed to do this in order to heal.  It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

Anniversaries seem to be the time we look back on what has been.  The last two years have been one wild ride.  I have reposted an article I wrote for the Globe and Mail about my life 2 years ago.  When I remember that time, I cry.  I was struggling so hard, and didn't know what to do, or really how to ask for help. I was so determined to do things on my own.  That with a bit more work I would be fine. 

The truth is I was scared to death.  Scared to admit that I couldn't handle things.  Scared to show any kind of vulnerability because I was convinced someone would use it against me and hurt me with it.  Scared to keep going in the same way, and scared to make any kind of change.  With all this I had such bad anxiety and I was having panic attacks regularly.  I was at the bottom.  

Now, what is my life like?  Hmmmm, a whole lot better to say the least.  I am learning my limitations.  I am learning what I need to have a good life.  To live with depression, instead of fighting it or running from it. Most days I can even forget about it, most days.  Well, other than the pill I take.

I am not longer scared, at least not like I was.  I know that things have to be different before they are better, so no matter how scary different feels, I am learning to trust it is the way to better.

I'm still an independent person, and always will be.  But, I am also much more able to ask for help.  This is good because at some point, going it alone is horrible.

I am grateful to all of you who read this blog.  I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have been there for me.  It's been a very difficult time for me.  Coming to terms with what having depression means for my life has been difficult.  Dealing with so much of the emotional baggage that I wasn't able to handle before has been hard, and rewarding at the same time.

For me, this journey isn't over.  I have my doubts it will ever be.  I am coming to understand that I can live my life in a way that means that depression will be a small part of it.  But, I have to pay attention.  I have to ensure that I make good choices.  Without this, this risk of sliding to the bottom again is very real.

And so, I'll ask the people in my life to keep an eye on me.

This is the link to the article I wrote.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-nephews-birth-gave-me-hope/article2040196/

Coming up for air

Since the end of September my job has been crazy nuts.  I worked a tonne of overtime.  For a few weeks in there it felt like all I did was work.  The last few days it feels like I am coming up for air.  I have sent emails to a few friends I haven't talked to forever.  I have spent some time with my family.  I have cleaned parts of my house. These seems like little things, but I didn't have the energy for so many of them for so long.

One thing I learned through all this is that working that much doesn't do me any favours.  It is really hard on me in fact.  There were a number of days in there that I really felt the depression on its way back.  I am definitely exhausted.  I am back to exhausted from burned out.  I hit that wall with 6 work days left before the holiday.

I realize that I need balance in my life.  It's not just a nice to have that I strive for.  Yes, I can manage for a short while, but 3 months is too long. I need to get back to a place where I am mainly working 4 days a week.  I know that without this balance I am very much at risk of needing to be off work again.  This is certainly not my goal.

It is nice to come up for air.  It gives me time to think about how to avoid being in this place again.

Christmas - my own way

This year I am enjoying Christmas time more than I have in as long as I can remember.  Certainly as an adult.  I've been trying to figure out what it is that is making things better.  The answer is varied likely but there is one thing that stands out.  I am enjoying Christmas my own way.  I've finally stopped putting pressure on myself to enjoy it the way other people do, and feeling guilty because I wasn't.

My mum and my sister love Christmas.  They love the decorations, the tree, the lights etc...  I love this about them.  The thing is I kept trying to be like them and I am not.  I have never enjoyed decorating, so I don't.  I don't put up lights either.  I've stopped feeling like there is something wrong with me about this.  Maybe some day I'll want to, but for now, I don't.  And I don't feel like I am missing out.

I am doing some things this year that I do enjoy (a bit of a follow-up to last year).  I am wearing antlers to work.  I am working on creative ways to give gifts.  As you can imagine, I also hate shopping.  I am wrapping my gifts today, instead of waiting until next week.  I am not worrying so much if the gifts are perfect.  I believe the people they are for will like them.

I'm giving myself a break about not sending Christmas cards.  Not that I ever have sent them, but I believe this is the first time I don't feel like I am not doing something I should.

The thing is, I am exploring ways that I can celebrate Christmas that I like.  Over time this is bound to change.  At least for now, I am finding ways to honour who I am and do the things that feed me.

Social experiment

Today I accidentally was part of an interesting social experiment.  This week has been very emotionally challenging and exhausting at work.  Last night I decided that I needed to do something different today to try to have a better day.  So, I wore Christmas antlers all day.  You know the kind that are attached to a headband.

I know most of the people at work, so they generally just laughed at me.  Ahhhh, mission accomplished.  Then, I had to run an errand at the mall at lunch time.  So, the downtown mall is usually pretty busy at lunch, and because it is less than 2 weeks until Christmas it was pretty crazy.  It was interesting to observe peoples reaction.

Some looked and laughed.  Some smiled.  Others looked and looked away.  Seemingly very uncomfortable and not wanting to engage.  It was this reaction that got me thinking.  I was wearing the antlers so obviously I was in on the joke.  So why did people turn away?  Maybe why isn't really what I want to discuss.

It really made me think about why people get to a stage of lonely or depressed in our world.  There I was doing something funny and people didn't want to have any part of it.  Is our society too serious?  Is living in a city that is, on average, all about money making people this way?  Are we too busy to take time to be in the present moment?  Focused on getting to the next and the next and the next?  I don't know.  It is making me think about how I am in the world though.

I hope that I can learn to be in the moment.  To see the here and now.  This is hard for me today, but especially important.  Right at this moment life is good.  I'm sitting in a comfortable arm chair.  My fire place is on.  And I am writing, something I love to do.  But, there is a part of my mind that is still at work, still angry about some of what happened this week.  Still anxious about what tomorrow will bring.  I think this is normal, but it does rob me of the now.

My recent lesson to learn

Today is a hard day.  I am working on a project at work where the mix of personalities has been toxic from the beginning.  We are now at crunch time so... well you can imagine how well things are going.  Today was another round where a couple of people criticized some work, without providing solutions.  Basically, it feels like all along they have been punting their responsibility on this project.

This seems to be happening in more than one arena in my life of late.  My recent relationship felt a lot like that also, where she wanted me to be responsible for her life.

I guess this is the time for me to learn to deal with this kind of behaviour towards me.  Time for me to find a way to say that this is not acceptable and I will not put up with it.  This is not easy for me.  I'm more inclined to let it go, and find ways to blame myself.  But, if I put up with it, it will just continue and I will be more and more unhappy.  Sadly, I know this from experience.  It's happened to me many times.  Which, I guess isn't really a surprise as it is my instinctual way of dealing with things I don't like.

So, today I am working hard at remembering that I have choices.  I can choose to let people treat me this way, or I can say something.  I can accept their poor behaviour towards me, or I can reject it.  And, I don't have to feel bad about it.  It's ok to stand up for myself.  It's ok to hold other people accountable for things that aren't mine to be responsible for.

I can also choose to be angry all evening or to let it go.  I did stand up for myself earlier today.  I guess I need to trust that that is enough.  It feels like enough for now. I have my doubts that it will change the behaviour, but at least I am not blaming myself.  At least I am recognizing things for what they are.  That in itself is progress.

What to do

My doctor gave me a different anti-depressant to try.  It's a new type.  His, (albeit limited) experience with patients taking it is that it makes them feel better than they have in a long time.  The one I was taking was definitely better than nothing, but it certainly had its draw-backs.  I have been taking the new one for just over 2 weeks now.  Now that my body is getting used to it, and most of the side effects are abating, I can see the benefits of it.

This weekend I have found myself not knowing what to do with myself.  I have been tired for so long now that it felt normal.  Napping all the time actually takes up a huge amount of time.  I also felt so draggy all the time and didn't really have energy to do anything.  It has been long enough that this has been the pattern of my life.  The last couple of days I haven't felt the need to have a nap.  Weird for me.  I also feel wide awake for a large portion of the day.  Also weird.

I am sure I will get used to this feeling.  In the mean time, I'm not sure what to do with myself.