Sunday 21 April 2013

Taking it back

I've been thinking a lot lately about things I have stopped doing in my life because someone told me I wasn't any good at them.  Writing was one of those things.  Drawing was another.

Who says I have to be any good?  I am a writer and an artist because I write and I draw.  Am I a professional?  No.  Will I ever make a living at either?  Not likely (although I do make a living doing a lot of writing right now - but the topic is not my choice).  Does it matter?  No.

I love writing, I love drawing. I love using pencil crayons to make patterns and designs.  I love drawing Ziggy cartoons.  I love putting words together to make a point.  I love finding a way to express what I think and how I see the world.  And so, I do it.  I am a writer.  I am an artist.

Saturday 20 April 2013

Being vs having an illness

I read a blog post on someone else blog today that really got me thinking.  She was writing about being an illness versus having an illness and how this is different for mental illnesses and physical illnesses. We don't say someone is cancer but we will say someone is bi-polar for example.  I'm not sure however that her characterization is completely right.  We do say people are diabetic, although this is the only example I can think of right now.

Anyhow, not really the topic on my mind.  I think saying someone is their illness for any type of illness is not necessarily helpful.  People are always made up of so many things and illnesses can only be a part of that.  Sure it might have a bigger or smaller impact on people's lives, but still people are so much more.

I live with depression.  I can be depressed, but I am not always this way.  I can be anxious, but again I am not always this way.  I am also a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, colleague, teammate etc...  I am not depression.  When I look at my friend who has diabetes, I don't generally think about it.  It only crosses my mind when I see him give himself an insulin shot or feel ill because his sugars are out.   Otherwise I see him as my friend and all the things that make him who he is.

I hope the same for me, and for others who have illnesses, mental or physical.  There are days when perhaps people think about depression and me.  Days where I am overwhelmed, or grumpy or sad or just not myself.  That's ok, because those are likely the moments when depression is having a big impact on my life.  Other days you would never know it.  Those days the only impact it has is that I have to remember to take my medication.

We are all complex creatures.  So many people have illnesses or things they deal with everyday.  But, it really doesn't define who we are.

Boston Marathon bombings

I'm not sure this post is really about mental health, but it has been on my mind a lot this week, so I'm sharing it with all of you anyhow.

I've been thinking a lot about the reaction in the US and in Canada.  People die in senseless ways all across the world, including the US and Canada, everyday and there is not this kind of out pouring of emotion.  There is not this kind of solidarity and support for the victims, for the law enforcement.  I've been thinking about why this is.

I think what happened in Boston shakes people's sense of security.  For the most part Boston is a safe place.  People go to the Boston marathon every year to watch and to run.  My co-worker went last year.  No one thinks it is risky (other than running a marathon can be risky).  No one worries about their safety.  Sporting events, especially marathons, are events to celebrate athleticism, to celebrate determination, to celebrate commitment to a goal and to celebrate achievement.  I wouldn't think twice about going to watch.  I certainly don't think twice when the local marathon runs right through my neighbourhood.  For the most part the people who run and watch are ordinary people with jobs and families.  People who train for these kinds of things while running their lives.  Lives like mine and yours.

For me watching and playing sports also can be a great escape from some of the harsher realities of life.  And now, those harsh realities are right in front of me, in the very place I go to escape from them.

I see that when something we generally consider a safe thing to do becomes unsafe people are shaken.  Also, Boston is a generally safe place to be and the people that live and visit there want to keep it that way.  And so the support for law enforcement.  The sporting world, fans and athletes want to show that they understand and that they too want this part of life to remain safe.

It's hard when things we think we can count on are shaken.  There is a lot of emotion that goes with that.  Showing solidarity, showing that emotion is one way to cope.

These are my thoughts on this, for right or for wrong.  I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

Friday 12 April 2013

Coming out - the hard part

Coming out as lesbian has been one of the most healing parts of my journey.  This happening about 2 years ago.  It's been hard also, but in ways I didn't expect.

The truth is, actually coming out, actually admitting that I am gay, was hard.  But, it also felt like a huge relief.  It took a bit of time to get used to for sure.  But truthfully, once I got my mind around it, it isn't so bad.  It feels like me being myself for the first time in a lot of years.

It's been hard also.  I have found that being part of the lesbian community where I live is not as easy as I would like.  There are three things I have come across that I am really struggling with.  The first is being called a "baby lesbian" (not everyone is like this, but I have come across it).  Now, I know where this comes from, I've been out a couple of years.  Lots of people have been out for a lot longer.  But the comment has always been said to me in such a condescending way.  Almost like I have no right to claim my own experiences, or like I am somehow inferior because of my life's journey.

I wonder why it is that a few women who have been out for a long time need to put those of us who haven't been out so long down.  Does it make them feel superior because they have been out longer?  Surmising on my part.  I really don't want to guess.  What I do know though is that it really does bug me.  I have a right to my own journey, my own process of getting where I am today.

The second thing has been some women, who seem very hung up on the stereotypes of being lesbian.  I've been faced many times with being asked if I identify as "butch" or "femme", am I a lipstick lesbian etc...  I've always hated labels, it doesn't matter what they are.  Especially when the labels are meant to describe stereotypes.  I find when I get in a situation like this, it really makes me feel like there is no room to be me.  All of me, not just the parts that fit into some pre-defined box.   I am lesbian.  I guess if that is a label, I can accept it.  But, what I mean when I say that is that I am much more attracted to women than men.  It ends there.

The third thing I have been bothered by is the lack of acceptance of others.  I have come across a number of women who say that all they want is to be accepted for who they are, and yet these are the same people who make nasty comments about some of my friends.  For a long time, I was a devout Christian.  I am not any more, but a number of my friends are.  When I mention this to some of the gay women I have met, I have heard a lot of "they are so wrong", how can any one believe in Christianity, it is so horrible and so wrong.

I'm not sure what I was expecting.  I guess I was expecting something different than I have found and I am disappointed.  And yet, as I write this, I realize that likely the problem is that my expectations were off.  People are people, no matter if they are gay, straight, black, white or purple.  I have found in the lesbian community the sames things I see in the rest of the population.  Some amazing people, some people I don't like at all and all people in between.  It has been good to write this.  It makes me remember the awesome women I have met.  It makes me remember that if I want to find people in the lesbian community to have as a part of my life, I need to focus my energy on the awesome people and let the ones who bother me be who they are, far away from me.

Friday 5 April 2013

Suicide and Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about my experiences with suicide and so this is what has been on my mind:

Too many times I've been too close to it
I was 12, in Grade 7
He was in my home room, in Grade 9
He was nice, made all us new kids welcome
I went back to school in Grade 8, he had killed himself over the summer
I didn't know how to deal

I was in high school
The son of friends of my parents killed himself
How to deal?

I was in my first year of university
4 attempts in my dorm of 60 people
1 person succeeded over Christmas
So sad
Again how to deal?

I'm in third year university
I hear of someone jumping out of an 8th floor window
I didn't know him, it didn't matter
Still affected me

I'm all of those ages.  I don't know how to deal with all of these things.
I'm sad, I'm lonely
I don't know how to reach out for help
Many times I feel like maybe suicide is the only answer
So desperate

I'm 32 and struggling
In an emotionally abusive relationship
I end it, and he gets worse
How to cope?  I can't deal
Things are getting worse

I'm 33 and still struggling
My job becomes the most abusive situation I have ever been in
I can't sleep, I can't be around people
I don't know what to do
I'm so anxious I can't hide it anymore
So lonely, so desperate

I'm standing at a street corner waiting for the light to change
I see a semi coming down the road
I think, I could walk in front of that truck, then I wouldn't have to deal anymore
I think, shit, that would kill my mother... and my father... and my sister
I hesitate and the truck goes by
The light changes and I walk to work... instead of turning the other way and walking to the hospital for help
So lonely, so scared, so at the end of my rope

I'm 34 and I meet a woman whose son took his own life
I see the pain it is still causing her many years later

I'm 36 and someone finally tells me bluntly that I have depression and should think about medication
Makes me accountable to at least come to terms with it
I tell my story of depression
Someone I know tells me his story of attempted suicide

I'm 38 and I'm finally finding a way to grieve all of the situations
Grieve for the people I know who couldn't find another way out
Grieve for the people who were so desperate that this looked like the only solution
Grieve for me, for being that desperate as well
Grieve because I will always understand the pain, fear, loneliness and desperation