I was talking to a friend yesterday about how things are going with me. It occurred to me that I feel a lot better than I have in a long time, but I still feel fragile. The new ways of being, thinking and doing are not well-tested or well-practised. I know that I am stronger than I was and I do have some different coping skills, but there are also a lot of times when I feel a bit in the middle, the old ways of doing don't work and I haven't really found new ways. Everything is challenging when it is new though and over time things become easier and more the habitual way of being. This will come. In the mean time I am learning patience.
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Sunday 26 June 2011
Getting away from it all
I am once again traveling, only this time on the east coast. I started in Boston and am heading north from there. Getting away from it all is a great thing to do sometimes. You get to talk to different people, see the world from different perspectives and see different ways that people live. It also means that the normal things that you worry about are not important, or at least not right in your face an so it is tough to worry about them. In some ways it makes all the normal things seem unimportant, at least for the moment.
What I have learned is that often you get inspiration to deal with things when you let it go and stop thinking about it. That has happened a couple of times. I have had thoughts that help me understand things in a different way. Sometimes the thoughts are completely out of context with what is going on, but they are certainly insightful, so I'll take it.
Ok, off I go. Things to do, people to see, places to go....
What I have learned is that often you get inspiration to deal with things when you let it go and stop thinking about it. That has happened a couple of times. I have had thoughts that help me understand things in a different way. Sometimes the thoughts are completely out of context with what is going on, but they are certainly insightful, so I'll take it.
Ok, off I go. Things to do, people to see, places to go....
Thursday 23 June 2011
Special Occasions and Knives
There is a link between the two things that are part of the title. If you are a part of my family it will be immediately obvious to you. For the rest I shall explain, and then there is something to think about at the end.
In my family we are not so good with knives. Most of us, at one time or another, have had pretty severe cuts from accidents while cooking. These tend to happen on or around special occasions (see I told you there was a link), Thanksgiving, birthdays, holidays etc... We actually aren't that picky.
Yesterday I was whining to my mum that I had cut myself with a knife (hurts a lot but nothing to worry about) and it wasn't even a special occasion. My wise mum said to me that every day is a special occasion. This statement made me think. What an interesting philosophy to live by.
Seems to me that if we can live by this, then we wouldn't have any regrets. We go to special lengths to make special occasions well special. We dress up, see people we might not see very often, eat good food, drink good drinks, generally there are presents. What would it look like to live this way every day?
I think it would mean making every day special in some way, either doing something nice for ourselves or for someone else. It would mean making more of an effort to be in touch with people who are important to us, whether in person, telephone, email, letter, smoke signal or carrier pigeon (if you know where to find one please let me know as I have been looking for one). It would mean cherishing everyday and the moments in it, good or bad, because as most of us know special occasions are also a time of stress and can sometimes lead to blow-ups. I think it would also mean taking care of ourselves and living without regrets.
There is one downside in my family in that it may mean a few more cuts, perhaps a few more stitches or bandaids (but hey, Johnson and Johnson needs to make money also right?).
This has me thinking a little about how I would make every day special for me. Still thinking but I believe it to be a good goal. Anyone want to share thoughts on this?
In my family we are not so good with knives. Most of us, at one time or another, have had pretty severe cuts from accidents while cooking. These tend to happen on or around special occasions (see I told you there was a link), Thanksgiving, birthdays, holidays etc... We actually aren't that picky.
Yesterday I was whining to my mum that I had cut myself with a knife (hurts a lot but nothing to worry about) and it wasn't even a special occasion. My wise mum said to me that every day is a special occasion. This statement made me think. What an interesting philosophy to live by.
Seems to me that if we can live by this, then we wouldn't have any regrets. We go to special lengths to make special occasions well special. We dress up, see people we might not see very often, eat good food, drink good drinks, generally there are presents. What would it look like to live this way every day?
I think it would mean making every day special in some way, either doing something nice for ourselves or for someone else. It would mean making more of an effort to be in touch with people who are important to us, whether in person, telephone, email, letter, smoke signal or carrier pigeon (if you know where to find one please let me know as I have been looking for one). It would mean cherishing everyday and the moments in it, good or bad, because as most of us know special occasions are also a time of stress and can sometimes lead to blow-ups. I think it would also mean taking care of ourselves and living without regrets.
There is one downside in my family in that it may mean a few more cuts, perhaps a few more stitches or bandaids (but hey, Johnson and Johnson needs to make money also right?).
This has me thinking a little about how I would make every day special for me. Still thinking but I believe it to be a good goal. Anyone want to share thoughts on this?
Tuesday 21 June 2011
hurting and broken
Funny how conversations you have with people can spur ideas.
After a conversation with a friend tonight I am left wondering why it seems that so many of us want to hide behind masks. It seems we want to show off only the best of ourselves and never admit to the darkness, pain, confusion, bewilderment etc... that we are carrying around. What a blessing it would be to all of us if we could share who we really are, instead of the mask we want others to see.
Because, when it comes right down to it, we are all hurting and broken on some level. We all have good and bad inside of us. We all have pain, suffering, sorrow, joy, happiness, love. I know that hiding from myself and from others only makes me feel worse and more isolated. This does nothing to help me through the dark days. I know that some days I am strong and would be able to be the strength for others, other days I am weak and need people to be that for me.
After a conversation with a friend tonight I am left wondering why it seems that so many of us want to hide behind masks. It seems we want to show off only the best of ourselves and never admit to the darkness, pain, confusion, bewilderment etc... that we are carrying around. What a blessing it would be to all of us if we could share who we really are, instead of the mask we want others to see.
Because, when it comes right down to it, we are all hurting and broken on some level. We all have good and bad inside of us. We all have pain, suffering, sorrow, joy, happiness, love. I know that hiding from myself and from others only makes me feel worse and more isolated. This does nothing to help me through the dark days. I know that some days I am strong and would be able to be the strength for others, other days I am weak and need people to be that for me.
Monday 20 June 2011
Acceptance
Acceptance - isn't that what we are all really looking for? A place where we can be our genuine selves and feel safe and loved? Why does it seem that this is so hard to find? Why do we so often feel like we need to wear masks and hide our real selves? Are we all that horrible? Or is it because we have been hurt? We have chosen poorly when revealing our true selves? Why do we feel like we want to hurt others? Are we being protective about ourselves and think if we hurt them first then they can't hurt us?
One thing I have learned through all of this stuff in my life is that hiding who I am, wearing a mask, is probably the most hurtful thing I can do. It means that I am denying myself the right to be me and everyone has that right. Subconsciously I take that denial and internalize it and it plays havoc with my self-esteem. By hiding I am effectively telling myself that who I am is not good enough and I need to be someone else.
Acceptance, for me, starts with me. By accepting myself as I am, I can choose more wisely when to let people in and when not to. I am more likely to find friends and people in my life that build me up, rather than tear me down. I can choose my life, my friends, the situations I put myself in better because I know myself better and I accept that I am me. By stopping trying to twist around like a pretzel to make other people happy, I will be better able to make me happy, and in the end that can only lead to self-acceptance and acceptance by others.
One thing I have learned through all of this stuff in my life is that hiding who I am, wearing a mask, is probably the most hurtful thing I can do. It means that I am denying myself the right to be me and everyone has that right. Subconsciously I take that denial and internalize it and it plays havoc with my self-esteem. By hiding I am effectively telling myself that who I am is not good enough and I need to be someone else.
Acceptance, for me, starts with me. By accepting myself as I am, I can choose more wisely when to let people in and when not to. I am more likely to find friends and people in my life that build me up, rather than tear me down. I can choose my life, my friends, the situations I put myself in better because I know myself better and I accept that I am me. By stopping trying to twist around like a pretzel to make other people happy, I will be better able to make me happy, and in the end that can only lead to self-acceptance and acceptance by others.
Sunday 19 June 2011
Survival
It's funny how my perspective changes and I don't even really realize it. It's a bit like watching kids grow, you don't see it as much when you are with them every day. I was describing some of my journey the other day to people who didn't know anything about it and it make me see that things are different.
I got to thinking back to before I started to see I needed to deal with things. At the time I couldn't see it, I didn't even have the ability. I was in survival mode, period. This entailed forcing myself out of bed every day to go to work. Getting through the day, hopefully without too many, or any, incidents. Incidents of bosses yelling at me, of me losing it etc... Going home, hopefully getting enough rest to do it again the next day. There was no break in this for me, every moment of every day was hard. I hardly slept I was so anxious and I couldn't see a future past the end of my nose. I was completely isolated from friends and family and not letting anyone be a part of the horrible life I was leading. At one point I seriously thought about killing myself. I guess this is what happens when the present is hell and there is no future. Thankfully there was a small part of me that finally got fed up and decided that I needed to make a change.
The thing about survival mode is that there is no clarity to be able to move on, to be able to see that there are alternatives to the present, to understand that there is a way to get help, a way to have a better life. There is so much emotional pain and so much anxiety that it's all you can do to keep getting up in the morning and carrying on.
Now, the present is not hell and I can see a future. I have good days and bad days now, but I am no longer in survival mode. I have let people be a part of my life, and what a great blessing that is. I understand that I am not stuck in any particular place and if things get bad like that again I need to look at my life and know that there are alternatives. In fact, things got bad like that and I started on this journey of medication and counseling and soul searching. Life is rolling on, but for me, as hard as it is on the bad days, it is life and not survival anymore.
I got to thinking back to before I started to see I needed to deal with things. At the time I couldn't see it, I didn't even have the ability. I was in survival mode, period. This entailed forcing myself out of bed every day to go to work. Getting through the day, hopefully without too many, or any, incidents. Incidents of bosses yelling at me, of me losing it etc... Going home, hopefully getting enough rest to do it again the next day. There was no break in this for me, every moment of every day was hard. I hardly slept I was so anxious and I couldn't see a future past the end of my nose. I was completely isolated from friends and family and not letting anyone be a part of the horrible life I was leading. At one point I seriously thought about killing myself. I guess this is what happens when the present is hell and there is no future. Thankfully there was a small part of me that finally got fed up and decided that I needed to make a change.
The thing about survival mode is that there is no clarity to be able to move on, to be able to see that there are alternatives to the present, to understand that there is a way to get help, a way to have a better life. There is so much emotional pain and so much anxiety that it's all you can do to keep getting up in the morning and carrying on.
Now, the present is not hell and I can see a future. I have good days and bad days now, but I am no longer in survival mode. I have let people be a part of my life, and what a great blessing that is. I understand that I am not stuck in any particular place and if things get bad like that again I need to look at my life and know that there are alternatives. In fact, things got bad like that and I started on this journey of medication and counseling and soul searching. Life is rolling on, but for me, as hard as it is on the bad days, it is life and not survival anymore.
Thursday 16 June 2011
About me
I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the last few months and really trying to be honest with myself. I've also been getting to know myself better. However, it seems often in a lot of ways other people know us better than we know ourselves, so it is my turn to ask for your help. What would you like to tell me about me, about who I am or what makes me tick?
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Fun
I realized yesterday that without some distractions I tend to think a lot. While on some level this is productive thinking and is helping me sort through some things, it can also be too much and allow me to dwell on things. With this realization I decided to go out and do something fun, well fun for me, I'm not sure that everyone would think what I did fun. Today I also had some fun.
Yesterday I went to Kananaskis Country and rode my bike up the Highwood Pass. For those who don't know, K-country is in the mountains just west of Calgary and the Highwood Pass is part of the highway that runs through the area. This part of the highway is closed in the winter and re-opens on June 15th. Cyclists go out in June to ride as it is a great ride and there aren't any cars. The ride itself is 17km each way. It is 500m elevation gain on the way up. It took me about 2 hours to ride up and 45 minutes to ride down. The ride down is why I bother riding up. It is 45 minutes of coasting and fabulous. It made me feel like I was 10 again coasting down the hills around my parents place.
Today I hung out with my mum, my sister and my nephew. They are such lovely people you can't help but be in a good mood by the end of a visit.
As I change the way I live to find a better balance I need to remember to incorporate fun into it. I can't just wait for fun to happen, I need to be intentional about pursuing the things I find fun. This is part of the upside of dealing with the hard stuff, being able to enjoy things, activities and people, to have for the sake of having fun, to remember that there is a child in all of us who is always looking to play. I often forget that play and fun are an important part of life and really do feed the soul. I am working hard at not forgetting anymore.
Now for me to ask you... What do you like to do that is fun?
Yesterday I went to Kananaskis Country and rode my bike up the Highwood Pass. For those who don't know, K-country is in the mountains just west of Calgary and the Highwood Pass is part of the highway that runs through the area. This part of the highway is closed in the winter and re-opens on June 15th. Cyclists go out in June to ride as it is a great ride and there aren't any cars. The ride itself is 17km each way. It is 500m elevation gain on the way up. It took me about 2 hours to ride up and 45 minutes to ride down. The ride down is why I bother riding up. It is 45 minutes of coasting and fabulous. It made me feel like I was 10 again coasting down the hills around my parents place.
Today I hung out with my mum, my sister and my nephew. They are such lovely people you can't help but be in a good mood by the end of a visit.
As I change the way I live to find a better balance I need to remember to incorporate fun into it. I can't just wait for fun to happen, I need to be intentional about pursuing the things I find fun. This is part of the upside of dealing with the hard stuff, being able to enjoy things, activities and people, to have for the sake of having fun, to remember that there is a child in all of us who is always looking to play. I often forget that play and fun are an important part of life and really do feed the soul. I am working hard at not forgetting anymore.
Now for me to ask you... What do you like to do that is fun?
Sunday 12 June 2011
Words
My list of words to describe this journey. I wrote them here in the order they occurred to me. Feel free to add your own from a friends perspective.
- depression
- anxiety
- hiding
- running
- darkness
- hope
- medication
- counselling
- dealing
- coping
- sad
- angry
- happiness
- disconnected
- connection
- clouds
- light
- suicide
- love
- unsettled
- public
- help
- future
- past
- fear
- courage
- safe
- unsafe
- hurt
- isolated
- change
- stagnant
- control
- letting go
- admitting
- denial
- sick
- healing
- hard
- life
- stillness
- peace
- distress
- love
- pain
- living
- existing
- success
- failure
- progress
- back sliding
- circles
- friends
- support
- pity
- hindrance
- challenges
- hugs
- silence
- talking
- ignoring
- processing
- fun
- joy
- positive
- negative
- relationships
- forward
- backward
- out
- angry
- upset
- overwhelmed
- emotion
- known
- unknown
- attention
- burden
- self-esteem
- gentle
- caring
- authentic
- experience
- stigma
- prejudice
- acceptance
Saturday 11 June 2011
Darkness
Today has been a darkness of the soul kind of day. As you can see from the previous post, it started with grieving for some of my past. It went downhill from there, in many ways anyhow. Today it feels like every time I start to feel better I find something else that is plagueing me. For a bit I was discouraged by this, but on the flip side it mostly reminds me of how long I didn't take care of myself and my health, mental and physical. I need to remember this. I have many, many years to get to where I am and have only really had a few months of feeling well enough to find ways of healing. It will take time.
It's funny that such a dark day is actually filled with victory, success for me. I used to feel like this all the time and it didn't seem so bad when I did. Today it seems particularly hard. I have lost many of my coping mechanisms for a dark day which in itself is good. So many of my old coping mechanisms are not healthy as they generally involve running away from my feelings, pretending that I am fine. Today I am facing the fact that I feel sad and down and anxious. I have found the cause of my anxiety today. I can't do anything about it in the short-term, but just naming it seems to have at least stopped the full-on panic attack. And it allows me to look at what is bothering me to see if I can find a new way of thinking about it.
I am learning new coping skills, incorporating new ways of being into my life. This is hard and often overwhelming (like today). I can see growth though, even in darkness, and this is the hope. I feel like I have a long way to go to learn some of the new skills and see my world differently than I do now, but I sure see it differently than I did a few months ago. Even writing this blog out has left me feeling more peaceful than I did when I started writing it.
It's funny that such a dark day is actually filled with victory, success for me. I used to feel like this all the time and it didn't seem so bad when I did. Today it seems particularly hard. I have lost many of my coping mechanisms for a dark day which in itself is good. So many of my old coping mechanisms are not healthy as they generally involve running away from my feelings, pretending that I am fine. Today I am facing the fact that I feel sad and down and anxious. I have found the cause of my anxiety today. I can't do anything about it in the short-term, but just naming it seems to have at least stopped the full-on panic attack. And it allows me to look at what is bothering me to see if I can find a new way of thinking about it.
I am learning new coping skills, incorporating new ways of being into my life. This is hard and often overwhelming (like today). I can see growth though, even in darkness, and this is the hope. I feel like I have a long way to go to learn some of the new skills and see my world differently than I do now, but I sure see it differently than I did a few months ago. Even writing this blog out has left me feeling more peaceful than I did when I started writing it.
Grief
Today I am sad, not depressed, but sad. I am grieving for a life that could have been. Grieving for myself and so many years that I am spent depressed, lonely and alone, hiding my real self. Grieving for the years I spend numb to life and not really alive. I know I can't change any of that, but I need to let myself grieve also. There were a number of bad years, it's ok to acknowledge that and be sad about it. Today I will let myself be sad, cry a few tears and move on. Opening myself up to feeling means taking the bad days with the good.
Friday 10 June 2011
Shared Experience
In a different context I was part of a discussion about the difference between a support group and a social group and someone was worried about using the social group for support. Often in our lives we need the help of others, but don't really need an official support group. In my view the social group is a good place to turn. Knowing the experience of others is maybe all we need to think about our own situation in a new way. I was talking to a friend yesterday and we got talking about the fact that everyone has hardship and challenges in their lives, everyone has a story to tell. I saw an interview on CBC by someone I don't know and likely never will, but her courage in sharing her story gave me courage to share mine. So, don't be afraid to tell your story, in whatever context. You never know when it will help someone else. I truly believe that our actions have ripple effects far greater than we will ever know. You might think you are only sharing it with one person, but look at how many times I have insight on here from friends. I'd be willing to bet that it resonates with at least one other person who tells it etc...
Thursday 9 June 2011
Truth
The truth shall set you free. I never really used to understand this saying, it seemed pretty weird to me actually. I get it now. Part of my journey has been to really come to know, accept and be open to who I really am, the me underneath it all. This has sometimes been very rewarding, sometimes been very difficult and sometimes pretty ho hum. The thing is that, especially with the difficult stuff, the more I am able to do it, the more I feel complete, whole, real and authentic. A friend of mine said to me yesterday that being authentic is the best we can hope for as that's what lets us present the best of ourselves to others, and we all deserve to be able to present our best selves (I hope I paraphrased that right). It is true though. The more I am ok with me, the more I am able to be ok with others, to let them see me, good, bad and ugly.
I also feel a great weight lifting off my shoulders. It is exhausting always trying to be something you are not, trying to meet up to my perception of other people's expectations and yet never considering what my own expectations are. Underneath the depression, pain, fear and anxiety is a beautiful person who is making her way into the world.
I also feel a great weight lifting off my shoulders. It is exhausting always trying to be something you are not, trying to meet up to my perception of other people's expectations and yet never considering what my own expectations are. Underneath the depression, pain, fear and anxiety is a beautiful person who is making her way into the world.
Monday 6 June 2011
Connection
One challenge I am thinking a lot about now is how to connect to other people. In the depression I was pretty much disconnected from everyone, at some level anyhow. As I have been working through this I have been able to connect to people because I have been sick. As someone said to me, people will often come through in a crisis.
Now that I am on the mend, how do I connect to people? What do I need from relationships with others? How do I make sure not to go back to the lonely, disconnected state? I think part of this is being realistic about the fact that some of my relationships have and will continue to change as I have changed. Some for the better and possibly some for the worse. This is often hard to accept, but I am really determined to be who I am and not to hide anymore, so this is inevitable.
So, what do I want out of relationships? I know this will be relationship specific, and it is something I need to give some thought to. Once I know that, the challenge is asking for what I need. I'm not always good at that, but I guess it is a new skill I am going to learn here as time goes on.
Now that I am on the mend, how do I connect to people? What do I need from relationships with others? How do I make sure not to go back to the lonely, disconnected state? I think part of this is being realistic about the fact that some of my relationships have and will continue to change as I have changed. Some for the better and possibly some for the worse. This is often hard to accept, but I am really determined to be who I am and not to hide anymore, so this is inevitable.
So, what do I want out of relationships? I know this will be relationship specific, and it is something I need to give some thought to. Once I know that, the challenge is asking for what I need. I'm not always good at that, but I guess it is a new skill I am going to learn here as time goes on.
Sunday 5 June 2011
Gems of Wisdom
Wow, second post in one day...
Here are a few gems of wisdom I have collected over the last few months. Some have occurred to me on my own, some I have borrowed from others (thanks to all of you).
Here are a few gems of wisdom I have collected over the last few months. Some have occurred to me on my own, some I have borrowed from others (thanks to all of you).
- You get to pick your own life. In fact you have always been picking your own life, even without realizing it.
- If you have to talk yourself into or out of something it is probably not right
- If you are on the right path, it doesn't really matter if it is windy or not
- People who truly love and care about you will be there for you, even if it is hard for them. Try to be this person for others when you can
- Courage is often the little things that you might not think are brave
- When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with people you will be amazed how much they will share with you also
- Friendship is only real when you are true to yourself, and the other person feels free to be the same
- If you don't like the way things are in your life, you need to change them, waiting for them to change is not likely to bring you what you want
- There is always a solution, even if it seems impossible to find it in the moment.
Anyone have anymore they would like to add to the list?
Courage
In a book I am currently reading there is a part that talks about people we admire. It says that in general the characteristics we most admire in other people are characteristics we have in ourselves that we haven't yet developed. As we develop the ones we admire then we will pick new people or characteristics to admire and the cycle goes on.
As I considered this, it rang true in my life. I have always admired people, and women in particular, who live their lives according to their own rules, generally just on the edge of acceptability. For me these have generally been fictional people, Dr. Quinn in Medicine Women, Lorelai Gilmore in Gilmore Girls, Grace in Grace Under Fire, Jane in Jane of Lantern Hill. All of these women have pushed the boundaries of their time and lived their lives the way they needed to.
Underneath it all I think I knew I also wanted to do this, but was too scared. I was looking for inspiration and permission to allow me to break out of the life I was in, the life where I felt stuck, and live differently. I've always felt like I didn't really belong in the standard way of living, like I was always different, but I know I didn't act that way. Now, as I learn more about myself I know that I am different from the "norm", whatever that i,s and to live without depression means living according to my own rules. I need to keep my courage going and not be afraid to be different, not be afraid to do what I need to do for my own happiness.
I continue to admire the same fictional characters but I am learning to really use them as inspiration instead of being detached from that admiration. As I figure out what my own rules are then I will be able to live by them and may find the people I admire changing. This is ok with me.
How about you? Does this ring true for you? Please share if you feel comfortable.
As I considered this, it rang true in my life. I have always admired people, and women in particular, who live their lives according to their own rules, generally just on the edge of acceptability. For me these have generally been fictional people, Dr. Quinn in Medicine Women, Lorelai Gilmore in Gilmore Girls, Grace in Grace Under Fire, Jane in Jane of Lantern Hill. All of these women have pushed the boundaries of their time and lived their lives the way they needed to.
Underneath it all I think I knew I also wanted to do this, but was too scared. I was looking for inspiration and permission to allow me to break out of the life I was in, the life where I felt stuck, and live differently. I've always felt like I didn't really belong in the standard way of living, like I was always different, but I know I didn't act that way. Now, as I learn more about myself I know that I am different from the "norm", whatever that i,s and to live without depression means living according to my own rules. I need to keep my courage going and not be afraid to be different, not be afraid to do what I need to do for my own happiness.
I continue to admire the same fictional characters but I am learning to really use them as inspiration instead of being detached from that admiration. As I figure out what my own rules are then I will be able to live by them and may find the people I admire changing. This is ok with me.
How about you? Does this ring true for you? Please share if you feel comfortable.
Thursday 2 June 2011
Re-imagining my life
I feel like I have come to the point in my journey where I can let a lot of the past go, at least for now, and focus on the future. It is exciting and scary to re-imagine my life. Or, likely to be very frank, give myself permission to imagine my life for the first time. What will it look like? What do I need in it to make me happy? What do I want to do? What is important? How do I structure it to find the balance I need to stay grounded? I finally understand that I get to pick.
For so long writing out all of these questions would have sent me into a panic attack. Now, I feel scared and excited, but not anxious at all. I feel more and more alive everyday.
Wednesday 1 June 2011
Growth
Sometimes in life growth comes in small bits and happens slowly, sometimes it comes in leaps and bounds. For me lately it has certainly been coming in leaps and bounds. I see myself tackling life, tackling so many of the hard things that sent me into a depressive crash. I observe how I am/was in the world and how so much of that was caused by how I saw and felt about myself, and not by the bad outside things that were happening to me. Many of the bad events made how I felt about myself worse, but I truly can see that how I felt about myself also made those situations worse. I can see myself also being more balanced in how I see myself. I can see my strengths and weaknesses, not just the mistakes. I know that much of what I do is right and good, and like all people there are times when this is not true.
So, what do I learn from all of this? Firstly, to trust my gut. If something in me is telling me that a situation is wrong or not working, I need to listen to that, to pay attention and try to figure out why. Secondly, I am smarter and braver than I often feel. I know when things are bad and I can take whatever steps I need to change them. (A lovely friend was recently telling me how brave I am and have been. Thanks so much for making me think about this). Thirdly, no situation is as one-sided as I wanted it to be for so long. I can see now that in many cases I didn't cause the garbage that was coming my way, but the way I was handling it was in many ways making it worse.
I am so proud that I can write this sort of blog. I know that I won't necessarily feel this good every day, but I do today. For so long I couldn't see any kind of solutions or lessons or anything. All I could see was fog, and numbness and drama and anxiety. I have worked hard to get to this point. It is not yet the end point, but it is sure a lot further ahead than I was not very long ago.
So, what do I learn from all of this? Firstly, to trust my gut. If something in me is telling me that a situation is wrong or not working, I need to listen to that, to pay attention and try to figure out why. Secondly, I am smarter and braver than I often feel. I know when things are bad and I can take whatever steps I need to change them. (A lovely friend was recently telling me how brave I am and have been. Thanks so much for making me think about this). Thirdly, no situation is as one-sided as I wanted it to be for so long. I can see now that in many cases I didn't cause the garbage that was coming my way, but the way I was handling it was in many ways making it worse.
I am so proud that I can write this sort of blog. I know that I won't necessarily feel this good every day, but I do today. For so long I couldn't see any kind of solutions or lessons or anything. All I could see was fog, and numbness and drama and anxiety. I have worked hard to get to this point. It is not yet the end point, but it is sure a lot further ahead than I was not very long ago.
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