Tomorrow I am going to start going to group therapy. I'm nervous. Truthfully, I'm pretty scared. I'm not entirely sure what to expect. This has been a long time coming. I first talked to the psychologist about it in March. Due to a lot of factors, tomorrow is the day.
Since March I have talked myself in and out of it about 100 times. But, I do believe that it will be good for me. As far as I can tell, it takes being in a better place in order for it to be helpful, so here I am feeling better to a point. And now, I will try something new. Even as I write this I have a knot in my stomach.
I need to remember to take my whole self into the room tomorrow. Not just the crazy nervous me. I need to remember that the other people in the group have been where I am. They were new once also.
Monday 30 July 2012
Friday 27 July 2012
This and that
When I logged on today to write this blog, I realized that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last wrote one. A good sign to be sure. The desperate need to sort out what is going on with me is waning some.
It's been a month of good things. Time with family and friends. Vacation. A few dates as well. Some dodgeball, and the great people I continue to meet that way. Many times I have found myself just being... just being in the moment and living life. It's an incredible feeling. It's so nice to be able to live and feel alive.
It's been a month of challenges. Some things to think about and process. How to manage stressful situations without losing it. How to deal with people that challenge me. How to take care of myself when there is so much pressure around me to do things differently. The thing with all of this is that I am learning. It's not always easy and I don't always react the way I would want to... but I am learning.
Learning that if I don't take care of myself, eventually none of the pressure will matter because I won't be able to handle it. Learning that there are just some things in my life that have to be non-negotiable. Like sleep and exercise and eating right. It's doesn't take very long for a lack of these things to make me feel like I can't cope.
Random thoughts for today.
It's been a month of good things. Time with family and friends. Vacation. A few dates as well. Some dodgeball, and the great people I continue to meet that way. Many times I have found myself just being... just being in the moment and living life. It's an incredible feeling. It's so nice to be able to live and feel alive.
It's been a month of challenges. Some things to think about and process. How to manage stressful situations without losing it. How to deal with people that challenge me. How to take care of myself when there is so much pressure around me to do things differently. The thing with all of this is that I am learning. It's not always easy and I don't always react the way I would want to... but I am learning.
Learning that if I don't take care of myself, eventually none of the pressure will matter because I won't be able to handle it. Learning that there are just some things in my life that have to be non-negotiable. Like sleep and exercise and eating right. It's doesn't take very long for a lack of these things to make me feel like I can't cope.
Random thoughts for today.
Monday 2 July 2012
Old hurts
It's funny what can bring up emotions that I thought were dealt with and long gone. I have been having such a lovely weekend, full of family and friends and fun. Then, this evening, a post on someone's facebook page has me in tears, and not because the post was sad. For some reason though it has me feeling lonely and rejected, feeling that same feeling of not fitting in anywhere that I have felt so many times in my life.
So often I feel on the fringe of things. Like, people like me, but don't want to be friends with me. This started in about Jr. High School and reoccurred so many times in my life. And, at times it hurts. Tonight I am feeling some of those old hurts again. And yet, I'm not sure it is all old hurts.
I've been back in my hometown for 4 years now and often it still feels like I am starting new. So much has changed for me since coming to terms with having depression and I am different. So, logically I know that in a lot of ways I am starting anew, again. But, still, it is hard to always feel like I have to be the person putting myself out there to meet people. And, well, I feel like I am learning to interact with people all over again.
There are good people in my life. I have friends here. Maybe it's just old hurts I thought I had dealt with. Feelings of rejection. Hopefully a few tears will work some of that out.
So often I feel on the fringe of things. Like, people like me, but don't want to be friends with me. This started in about Jr. High School and reoccurred so many times in my life. And, at times it hurts. Tonight I am feeling some of those old hurts again. And yet, I'm not sure it is all old hurts.
I've been back in my hometown for 4 years now and often it still feels like I am starting new. So much has changed for me since coming to terms with having depression and I am different. So, logically I know that in a lot of ways I am starting anew, again. But, still, it is hard to always feel like I have to be the person putting myself out there to meet people. And, well, I feel like I am learning to interact with people all over again.
There are good people in my life. I have friends here. Maybe it's just old hurts I thought I had dealt with. Feelings of rejection. Hopefully a few tears will work some of that out.
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