I was talking tonight at group about how for the last over year and a half I have really been insulating myself in a bubble in order to heal. I've been focusing on that and letting other things fall off to the side. This has been good for the most part, and definitely something I needed to do. But, I said something about the bubble starting to feel small. As I said it, I realized how true it was.
I've known this for awhile I guess. But much of it came to light for me this week when I exchanged some difficult emails with a friend. And so, I now am more aware that I need to get back into the world. One of the biggest challenges I see is finding a way to integrate some of my life before with my life now. I was hiding from myself and doing everything I could to be someone else. But, not everything was bad. There are good people in my life from then. Good people that I don't want out of my life. And yet, I can't have them in my life in the same way.
It dawns on me as I write this that I am scared. Scared that being around the same people will put me in a place to continue the same old habits that are bad for me. Scared that I won't be able to find different ways to relate to people that I have known for awhile. Scared of not being able to cope or manage or be ok. This is likely not fair to those people, but it is how I feel. It makes me sad also to think that I am scared of relating to some people that have always been such good friends.
As hard as it may be, I am not willing to let some people go without trying to find a way through this. I need to have patience with myself and ask my friends to do the same. I am learning new ways of being and relating, new ways that are so much healthier for me.
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