Tonight my kitchen sink plugged up. It wasn't fun. However, I am so glad to see how I reacted. I didn't flip out. I didn't have major anxiety. It wasn't a crazy dramatic event. I took apart the pipes under the sink. This made a huge mess. I managed to find a piece of wire to try to clean out whatever the clog was. I got my sink back together. I called the plumber.
None of this was dramatic. I was able to problem solve. I was able to try a couple of things. I'm not worked up over having to have a plumber in. I'm not happy about it, but who likes plumbing problems. I am grateful though to be able to manage.
Funny. I wrote and published the first two paragraphs of this post and then started to feel extremely anxious. Huh? What's that about? I don't trust the feeling better. I feel like I always have to be alert and like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't actually realize I was doing this until tonight. Just naming it has helped with the anxiety. Hopefully I can find a way to believe that the better will last. Or, at the very least be ok in the moment and not worry about what happens later.
Wednesday 21 November 2012
Sunday 18 November 2012
New medication
Ugh... I hate the process of changing doses or medications. It makes the dreams crazier than usual. My doctor suggested a different type of medication. He thinks it will help with the tired all the time. I'm totally willing to give it a go. The process is annoying though. I have some wacky, wacky dreams. Today a couple of them are sticking with me. Sigh.
Thursday 15 November 2012
Saving grace
I have been thinking about this blog today. It was so very scary to start it. So very scary to hit post the very first time. And yet, I am so glad I did it. Writing the blog, in a lot of way, has been my saving grace. It gives me an outlet to write about my life. To write about what is going on. And to get some feedback. I am pretty sure the only people who read it are people that know me. But, that's ok. I'm not really writing it to have a large following. Ultimately, I write for me.
The story on this blog is very personal. It is my story. It is the good and the bad and the ugly. Sometimes it reaches into the depths of who I am. It helps me with seeing who I am, and often to gain perspective.
It's funny is some ways. I always remember wanting to be a writer. At my job now I do a lot of writing, but it is a particular kind of writing for a particular purpose. I enjoy it. Writing a personal blog is very different. As you may have seen, I allow myself to experiment with types of writing. Sometimes I am more coherent than others. Sometimes it is emotional, sometimes it is objective. It's nice to write for no other reason than to write.
I've been amazed though since sharing my story. So many people have told me their stories. Stories of joy, of pain, of sorrow, of resilience, of hope, of despair. I see so much strength in people around me, that I didn't know was there. I hope that some of the strength I have found shows also. It's not always easy, but today I feel like there has been a lot of progress. Would I say I am depressed now? No. Am I working on the after-effects of it? Yes. But, often I find myself enjoying a moment, for no other reason than I am there. This is still an incredible feeling for me and one I am not sure I will ever take for granted. I hope not. The darkness was so overpowering for so long. It's good to be out of it, despite the hard days, despite the hard times. Working on the after-effects is a way for me to find my life outside of depression and to find ways to feel alive.
The story on this blog is very personal. It is my story. It is the good and the bad and the ugly. Sometimes it reaches into the depths of who I am. It helps me with seeing who I am, and often to gain perspective.
It's funny is some ways. I always remember wanting to be a writer. At my job now I do a lot of writing, but it is a particular kind of writing for a particular purpose. I enjoy it. Writing a personal blog is very different. As you may have seen, I allow myself to experiment with types of writing. Sometimes I am more coherent than others. Sometimes it is emotional, sometimes it is objective. It's nice to write for no other reason than to write.
I've been amazed though since sharing my story. So many people have told me their stories. Stories of joy, of pain, of sorrow, of resilience, of hope, of despair. I see so much strength in people around me, that I didn't know was there. I hope that some of the strength I have found shows also. It's not always easy, but today I feel like there has been a lot of progress. Would I say I am depressed now? No. Am I working on the after-effects of it? Yes. But, often I find myself enjoying a moment, for no other reason than I am there. This is still an incredible feeling for me and one I am not sure I will ever take for granted. I hope not. The darkness was so overpowering for so long. It's good to be out of it, despite the hard days, despite the hard times. Working on the after-effects is a way for me to find my life outside of depression and to find ways to feel alive.
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Anger bordering on rage
Yesterday was a bad day. Let's start there. I was angry at someone. I have mixed thoughts about my reaction to the situation.
I really believe that anger is a natural reaction to how I was being treated. Someone was treating me poorly, being a bully, and trying to get what she wanted without any thought of how it might affect me. She was also accusing me of doing things to make her life difficult. Most of her accusations were unfounded or a very selective view of the truth. Selective to, in my view, serve her own needs. Again, no thoughts about how it might affect me. This really has been the pattern with this person all along.
On one hand I am really glad for the anger. It is a good defense mechanism to not give in and try to make peace. It is a way for me to find my voice and say no. I will not accept your treatment of me. It is a useful tool that way.
On the other hand, I am scared of what happened. Anger is one thing. Uncontrollable rage is another and I was bordering between the two. I haven't felt that out of control with anger in a long long time. So, what's that about? A few things I think. Life has been stressful so I haven't been at my best lately. Secondly, this is a pattern and I have let things go for too long, I guess. I didn't really see it for awhile. Now that I do, I will not tolerate it. But still, the rage is not needed or helpful.
I guess I had hoped that side of me was gone. It is hard to realize that I am still capable of getting that out of control. It scares me as well. I have done some pretty horrible things to people in fits of rage. I never want to do that again. I think, and hope, I can recognize when things are getting that bad and find a way to get out of the situation.
The other part that is hard for me is that I have a hard time letting myself be human. When things don't go perfectly (in my view) it is really tough for me to give myself a break. I'm working at it. Today, this is what I am doing. Trying to remember that being perfect has nothing to do with it.
My goal through all of this is to feel my feelings, to get in touch with them. This really felt like I was in touch with the hurt and anger. I didn't shut down, I wasn't numb. It's not nice to feel emotions that intensely. I understand why I was avoiding it. I think that I am also learning how to feel things. Maybe that is also part of the intensity of emotion. It feels a bit like all or nothing right now. I hope that the more I learn about myself, and the more I am able to feel things, the better I will be able to manage. I guess time will tell.
In the meantime... I will keep telling myself that being angry is ok. Even raging to a point is ok. It's a normal way to feel based on what happened. I don't like it though.
I really believe that anger is a natural reaction to how I was being treated. Someone was treating me poorly, being a bully, and trying to get what she wanted without any thought of how it might affect me. She was also accusing me of doing things to make her life difficult. Most of her accusations were unfounded or a very selective view of the truth. Selective to, in my view, serve her own needs. Again, no thoughts about how it might affect me. This really has been the pattern with this person all along.
On one hand I am really glad for the anger. It is a good defense mechanism to not give in and try to make peace. It is a way for me to find my voice and say no. I will not accept your treatment of me. It is a useful tool that way.
On the other hand, I am scared of what happened. Anger is one thing. Uncontrollable rage is another and I was bordering between the two. I haven't felt that out of control with anger in a long long time. So, what's that about? A few things I think. Life has been stressful so I haven't been at my best lately. Secondly, this is a pattern and I have let things go for too long, I guess. I didn't really see it for awhile. Now that I do, I will not tolerate it. But still, the rage is not needed or helpful.
I guess I had hoped that side of me was gone. It is hard to realize that I am still capable of getting that out of control. It scares me as well. I have done some pretty horrible things to people in fits of rage. I never want to do that again. I think, and hope, I can recognize when things are getting that bad and find a way to get out of the situation.
The other part that is hard for me is that I have a hard time letting myself be human. When things don't go perfectly (in my view) it is really tough for me to give myself a break. I'm working at it. Today, this is what I am doing. Trying to remember that being perfect has nothing to do with it.
My goal through all of this is to feel my feelings, to get in touch with them. This really felt like I was in touch with the hurt and anger. I didn't shut down, I wasn't numb. It's not nice to feel emotions that intensely. I understand why I was avoiding it. I think that I am also learning how to feel things. Maybe that is also part of the intensity of emotion. It feels a bit like all or nothing right now. I hope that the more I learn about myself, and the more I am able to feel things, the better I will be able to manage. I guess time will tell.
In the meantime... I will keep telling myself that being angry is ok. Even raging to a point is ok. It's a normal way to feel based on what happened. I don't like it though.
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Cause and Effect
Lately, and tonight in particular, I've been feeling like my life is a shit show. On some level I am sure that I am contributing or causing this, but I'm not really sure how. And, I'm not really sure what to do with it. I feel like I'm up against a wall right now. A lot of aspects of my life seem off and causing me grief. I'm tired. It's exhausting. And this makes it worse because things are harder to manage. Words of encouragement are welcome, or tips and tricks if you have been here. Or even just stories of having been in this place.
Frustration
I was at group tonight and got to talking about relationships. I have one recently ended and it was the same pattern as always, or so it seems. I end up with someone who wants to take as much out of the relationship as they can, but not really put anything into it. Or so it feels anyhow. This breakup was hard as it felt like all of the blame for what went wrong came my way. And that is unfair. I am not perfect, but it takes 2 to tango. And I feel like I was used.
I was trying at group though to look at the pattern and to see if I could come to any kind of clarity about that. Someone suggested that perhaps I was looking to be recognized for the things that I did. Looking to be noticed for that kind of stuff. That resonates with me. I guess I feel like I did a lot of accommodating and a lot of nurturing and when I asked for it back, I feel like I got shafted. This time, but other times also.
So, how do I keep ending up in this pattern? Interesting because I think the relationship started off ok. I was being me and advocating for my needs. Then, I got sucked in, again. I guess it comes to balance of wanting so much to care for other people, but also remembering that I deserve care too. Care from me and care from others as well. Not that I'm a tit for tat person, but I need to be fed in a relationship as well as giving energy. If it is one-way, I will end up here again. Hard to remember in the middle of it. I need to do some more thinking about this, but for now, here it is.
Some days I wonder if I will ever figure it out... Maybe.
I was trying at group though to look at the pattern and to see if I could come to any kind of clarity about that. Someone suggested that perhaps I was looking to be recognized for the things that I did. Looking to be noticed for that kind of stuff. That resonates with me. I guess I feel like I did a lot of accommodating and a lot of nurturing and when I asked for it back, I feel like I got shafted. This time, but other times also.
So, how do I keep ending up in this pattern? Interesting because I think the relationship started off ok. I was being me and advocating for my needs. Then, I got sucked in, again. I guess it comes to balance of wanting so much to care for other people, but also remembering that I deserve care too. Care from me and care from others as well. Not that I'm a tit for tat person, but I need to be fed in a relationship as well as giving energy. If it is one-way, I will end up here again. Hard to remember in the middle of it. I need to do some more thinking about this, but for now, here it is.
Some days I wonder if I will ever figure it out... Maybe.
Sunday 11 November 2012
Remembrance Day
As I sit in my nice warm place tonight, on this Remembrance Day, I am thinking of all the stories of war and service.
I think of my grandma. She learned how to knit in school in First World War time England. She learned how to knit with her eyes closed so she could continue to support the war efforts during blackouts. She also lost her father when she was 11. A civilian victim of the war.
I think of my other grandma, growing up in rural Alberta. When the Second World War hit, she was 12 and her family was German. I have heard a story where she and her younger brother refused to speak German after that.
I think of my great-uncle who went to enlist during WWII because he figured he wouldn't be sent overseas as he could get a farmer exemption. Only, there was a mistake with his paper work and he spent years in Europe. The military didn't always know where he was due to the mistake.
I think of my uncle who as few years ago was diagnosed with PTSD from Korea. No wonder he was such an cranky ornery man for so long.
I remember in high school really grasping the reality of war. The first Gulf war was on at the time and someone I knew in school was 18 and in the reserves at the time. It dawned on me then that she could go to war.
I spent 2 summers working as a civilian summer student at the military base. I learned a lot more what the life of a soldier is like. I remember meeting a lovely woman the first summer. By the next summer she was in Yugoslavia in a conflict zone. I also met an interesting woman my second summer there. Tough as nails and not well liked... but also gay. I know this to be true as she told me. But, I also know she suffered a lot for it once she was caught with another woman.
When I was in university my boyfriend at the time joined the reserves. Amazingly, all these years later, he is still at it. Good for him.
Recently, I have gotten to know someone at work. She is a veteran of the forces. She and her husband (who is still in uniform) both live with PTSD from their tours of duty.
I think of my grandma. She learned how to knit in school in First World War time England. She learned how to knit with her eyes closed so she could continue to support the war efforts during blackouts. She also lost her father when she was 11. A civilian victim of the war.
I think of my other grandma, growing up in rural Alberta. When the Second World War hit, she was 12 and her family was German. I have heard a story where she and her younger brother refused to speak German after that.
I think of my great-uncle who went to enlist during WWII because he figured he wouldn't be sent overseas as he could get a farmer exemption. Only, there was a mistake with his paper work and he spent years in Europe. The military didn't always know where he was due to the mistake.
I think of my uncle who as few years ago was diagnosed with PTSD from Korea. No wonder he was such an cranky ornery man for so long.
I remember in high school really grasping the reality of war. The first Gulf war was on at the time and someone I knew in school was 18 and in the reserves at the time. It dawned on me then that she could go to war.
I spent 2 summers working as a civilian summer student at the military base. I learned a lot more what the life of a soldier is like. I remember meeting a lovely woman the first summer. By the next summer she was in Yugoslavia in a conflict zone. I also met an interesting woman my second summer there. Tough as nails and not well liked... but also gay. I know this to be true as she told me. But, I also know she suffered a lot for it once she was caught with another woman.
When I was in university my boyfriend at the time joined the reserves. Amazingly, all these years later, he is still at it. Good for him.
Recently, I have gotten to know someone at work. She is a veteran of the forces. She and her husband (who is still in uniform) both live with PTSD from their tours of duty.
Saturday 10 November 2012
Not wallowing
Today has been a tough day. I am mentally and emotionally worn out from working so much in the last while. Also, because I only have so much energy to deal with things, I have put a lot of things on the back burner. Now that the pressure is off, they are coming to the front burner, so to speak. I'm trying to keep things in perspective and not get too overwhelmed. It's tough.
I have however, decided that I need to get out of my place tonight. And so, I am going dancing. I usually can let go when I dance and just let the music flow through me. I am looking forward to it.
I have however, decided that I need to get out of my place tonight. And so, I am going dancing. I usually can let go when I dance and just let the music flow through me. I am looking forward to it.
Thursday 8 November 2012
Revelation
A couple of weeks ago I had a very rough interaction with someone. It's not the first time that our interactions have not gone well. Today I finally have enough brain power to think about it a little. I realize that I have little tolerance for BS when I see. I also realize that I am pretty intuitive when someone is saying things that are completely hypocritical. This is definitely the case with this person. They were saying one thing, but it was obvious to me what their real agenda was.
Unfortunately I tend to react in a way that calls people out when I see this. Generally, that doesn't go well. I like the part of me that is able to see through things, however it does get me in trouble. I think it would be helpful to try to find a different way to express myself in these types of situations.
Unfortunately I tend to react in a way that calls people out when I see this. Generally, that doesn't go well. I like the part of me that is able to see through things, however it does get me in trouble. I think it would be helpful to try to find a different way to express myself in these types of situations.
Wednesday 7 November 2012
hanging in
For the last 5 weeks I have been working, A LOT. Really, I haven't been doing a whole lot else. Tonight I am worn out and tired. But, I am holding on... for dear life it feels like. Tomorrow the pressure will let up some and the next day even more. I am bit afraid of what is going to happen when I let go. This is really the first time of sustained pressure and stress I have had since my diagnosis. Truthfully I wasn't even sure I could handle it at all. I've managed so far... 2 more days.
It has made me realize a few things though. About 14 months ago I stopped working full time and started working 4 days a week. I was pretty sure this was a good decision and really helping me. Now I know for sure. I am really looking forward to having 3 day weekends again. I realize what good balance that is for my life. I also know that I am good for about 2 weeks of a lot of work and then it starts to wear on me. But, I know that even now, I am alive and I am not at the end of my rope. Just worn out.
I can tell writing this that I am tired. I am not sure sure how coherent it is, but I hope the message gets through.
It has made me realize a few things though. About 14 months ago I stopped working full time and started working 4 days a week. I was pretty sure this was a good decision and really helping me. Now I know for sure. I am really looking forward to having 3 day weekends again. I realize what good balance that is for my life. I also know that I am good for about 2 weeks of a lot of work and then it starts to wear on me. But, I know that even now, I am alive and I am not at the end of my rope. Just worn out.
I can tell writing this that I am tired. I am not sure sure how coherent it is, but I hope the message gets through.
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