Knowing yourself

Courage, inspiration, knowing yourself, coming out.  All topics that have been on my mind the last few days.  I attended the Coming Out Monologues for two nights last week.  They were amazing.  So many people willing to stand up in front of 250 people and tell their stories.  Some were rather painful stories, and yet all managed to infuse humour and hope into their performances.

It got me thinking about my story and the words that came to mind were silent and invisible.  I was working so hard at hiding myself, not letting anyone see what was going on with me (including me) that my voice really was silenced and I really was invisible.  So often I felt like I could have just walked away from my life with no forwarding address and no one would have noticed, or cared.  The real me, the me underneath it all had been silent for so long, it was like she didn't exist at all.  I was sure that life sucked and there was nothing different out there.

So, how do these words apply now?  When I crashed with depression, I started telling people, at least parts of the story.  Starting to write this blog (nearly a year ago, wow) was another step in finding an outlet to be heard.  I needed to break the silence.  I found a way to express what I was feeling and experiencing.  In a lot of ways I still felt invisible though.

Slowly I am finding ways to be visible.  Asking for my needs to be considered and met.  Heck, knowing what my needs are.  Not settling for any old situation, but thinking about where I am and what I am doing.  Taking up my space in world.