Today I felt the urge to run away. From my job, from depression, from anything hard in my life. Just run away from it all. The urge is familiar to me. I have spent a lot of time in my life hopping around, job to job particularly. Some of this was because jobs got boring, but often it was because I didn't know how to cope with the situation at hand so I left. Just having the urge to run made me realize that I need to sort through some stuff. It also scared me. Anything that feels like depression scares me as I don't want to go back to that place where life is awful, all the time.
The thing I have come to learn is that some situations you need to leave. Absolutely, positively without a doubt. Leaving my last job was exactly the right thing to do. The environment there was toxic for me and no matter how much I tried I don't think it would have been a lot better. But often running away doesn't really change things. When I haven't changed then changing the situation hasn't helped in the long run. In the short run it is great, but old patterns die hard.
Work was hard emotionally today. So I want to run. The thing is that it is a good place to work for the most part. There are some dynamics right now that are challenging, but the project will be over in a few months. Is it worth the whole upheaval of running and finding something new for that? No. But dealing with things is hard and tiring also. Finding new ways to manage and cope is tough and requires so much energy (which might explain why I have been feeling so tired lately). I don't like difficult emotions, but then again who does?
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