Thursday 28 March 2013

Aftermath

I just did something emotionally very difficult.  Someone who has been a great friend of mine and I have been "on the outs" for awhile now.  We are working at making things better again.  How we got here is a well confusing to me, but in some ways I also get it.  I think this is partially a consequence of my life for the past couple of years.  I haven't been able to be a good friend, this I know.  I needed so badly to focus on my life just to survive that some things fell through the cracks.  It feels like this is one of those things.  I also know there are other things.

I am very sad about the situation we are in right now. I am feeling more like I can handle things these days and so I hope that we can repair things.  I also know it is time for me to start dealing with some of the other things that have fallen through the cracks.

Wednesday 13 March 2013

Shame

At group lately we've been talking about shame.  This really has struck a chord with me.  Although, at first I wasn't at all open to even thinking about it.  Last night two of the women were talking to another woman about how some of her ways of interacting make it difficult to feel connected to her, or to get to know her really.  This conversation made me really uncomfortable and I've been working out some of the why.  For me, it comes back to shame.

I realize that in so many instances in my life the feedback I have been given has been in a way that was intended to make me feel shame. It was given in a way to make me feel like there was something wrong with who I am.  And, I took it that way. I felt shame, I felt like there was something wrong with me.  Not with my behaviour, but with me.

One example, which seems trivial but really wasn't in the moment.  I've never been a night owl, never.  Even when I was the age where people stayed up late and partied or pulled all nighters to study, I wasn't a night owl. I almost always was in bed before midnight.  I was dating this guy a few years ago who was a night owl.  He liked to stay up really late and then sleep in until noon or later.  So, many a time when I was ready to go home or to bed at 10 he would go after me.  He told me so often that there was something wrong with me because I wouldn't stay up late with him.  And, I started to wonder if there really was something wrong.

When I first found a counsellor here where I live now I had another experience with shame.  She was giving me some feedback about something or other and I took it really badly.  I felt judged and defensive and angry.  And, as I can now see in hindsight, shame.  Shame for being a certain way.  Shame for whatever it was that she pointed out.  The thing is, she hadn't been trying to shame me, it was just my way of reacting.  After we talked about this, I finally was able to find a way to take some of the feedback she gave.  It was the first time that I can remember starting to believe that someone was telling me something to be helpful and didn't have any intention of being mean and nasty with it.  I didn't realize it then, but this was actually a really big step for me.

So now, how am I feeling?  I am scared that I will be next at group to receive the feedback and I don't know if I can handle it.  I don't know if I can trust that it is intended in a caring way and not in a way intended to shame me.  I don't know if I can leave the shame aside and really take the feedback and do something with it.  And yet, just being able to talk about shame and see it for what it is, is a big step for me.  To even acknowledge this emotion is a big step.  And really, talking about it, bringing it from the secret to the light, is the first step to making it smaller.

I think it must be normal to be scared in this situation.  Shame is a tough emotion to deal with and manage.

Tuesday 5 March 2013

Accomplishments

At Group tonight we got talking about being sad because we haven't accomplished things in the last year.  This didn't sit well with me.

I wonder how much happiness we as people deprive ourselves of because we focus on accomplishments and being sad because time passes and we don't feel like we have accomplished anything? It seems a shame to be that we measure happiness this way.  Much of it was about jobs and relationships and having a family etc...

And so, what have I accomplished in the last year?  I have accomplished many things, but I doubt many would show up on a lot of peoples lists of things to feel good about, but I do.  I have accomplished love, friendship, self-discovery, joy, sadness, anger, life.  I have learned new things about myself and the world.  I have been a friend and had friends.  I have been a daughter and a sister and an aunt.

But more than that, I have learned to feel my emotions.  And to me this is the most amazing thing of all.  I have done a lot of healing and growing and learning to live with depression.

I got talking about my nephews tonight and was talking about how I felt when the oldest one was born.  And also how it took a long time for me to feel comfortable being left alone with him.  I was also talking about how I babysat both of my nephews the other night and it was not only fine, but I really enjoyed it. For this I am grateful.  I realized how very much I have accomplished in the last year or two.  Nothing that a lot of people would measure or count as success, but I sure do.