Today I had a counselling appointment and something that I said seems like a good topic for a post. I said at one point that I am better. It's true. I spent a lot of my energy over the last 4+ years working on grieving, healing and finding different ways to be. I also have a chronic illness that ultimately is managed, not cured.
Lately I have been feeling good. And I believe it shows. People are smiling at me on the street. Bigger than that though, I got out to meet new people twice in the last 2 weeks. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, and haven't because I didn't have the energy. It's nice to feel ok.
I have worked really hard to get to this place. I opened my version of Pandora's box. And really for quite awhile it seemed bottomless. I would deal with one thing and find another layer and another and another. I have faced so many of my demons head on and come out the other side. I am strong. I have learned to trust myself, trust my intuition, to know that I can handle things even when they seem daunting, scary or impossible.
And I am proud of my accomplishment. I was thinking today how we still keep depression quiet because of the stigma. Seriously though, facing the healing for me has taken way more strength than anything else I have ever done. Depression for me is not about weakness at all. Healing is about courage. It has to be as it is not easy.
I also know that I have a chronic illness...or at least that is the way it seems. The ups and downs of life are bound to happen. For me they will be complicated by the extra layer of depression/anxiety/PTSD. That is my life.
So right now, while I feel good, I am working in putting in place a few more supports so that when things are down again they will be there and won't feel so hard.
In the end it's about recognizing how far I have come and what an amazing thing that really is.
