Tuesday 29 May 2012

Heavy and light

Lately my life has felt very focussed on the heavy things.  Too much so.  In some ways this is a habit for me now.  I spent a lot of time in the last year and a half trying to figure myself out and dealing with a lot of heavy things.  This was important.  Now though, I find that I focus on the heavy and forget to really live.  I feel like maybe for a bit I just need to live my life.  Have some fun, deal with what comes and not think so much about the heavy stuff.

Friday 25 May 2012

Better and not

I have realized a couple of things in the last couple of days.  Firstly I am so much better, secondly I am still fragile in some ways.

I provided "auntie day care" for my nephew again today.  He was having a bit of a rough day.  But, I was fine.  This was a big step for me.  When I first had him for the day in January, the thought of changing his diaper or making sure he ate, sent me into a panic.  I was sweating most of the day and worried about the fact that he had some food in his hair.  Basically, very anxious.

Today, nothing of the sort.  Some of that comes with experience, but some of it also comes with being better.  I realize that I don't have to be the perfect care taker.  I need to see that he eats and naps and has his diaper changed and I need to love and pay attention to him.  The rest is totally secondary.  If changing his diaper is a bit of an ordeal, well so be it.  If he makes a big mess of himself when he eats, at least he is eating.  Basically, I let myself off the hook.  I do the best that I can, and that is good enough.  It was such a treat to know that I can handle a bit of a tough day without a panic attack or major anxiety.  And in the end, we had some tough moments, but we also had some awesome moments.  So, it was a good day.

Someone I know is really really struggling with her mental health at this moment.  I really want to be there for her and thought I could.  I thought I could be that person who goes to see her often and listens and talks.  But, I can't.  I've spent the last nearly year and a half focussing on my own mental health.  I am feeling somewhat ready to be really back in the world.  But, I've realized that there are some things I am not ready for, and may never be.  I can support her a bit.  I can talk to her sometimes, I can tell her my story and listen to hers.  But, I also really need to be sure that I take time to ensure that I don't overwhelm myself in my desire to be helpful.  I need to remember that my own mental health needs to take priority or I won't be any use to anyone, especially me.  Just recognizing this shows me that in a lot of ways I am better.  I just need to be careful how much I tackle at once.

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Looking at it

Something happened today that made me think a lot about the last four or so years.  I won't go into details of what happened as it is really personal for someone else.  Anyhow...  back to me as I really only have a right to post my own stories, thoughts, feelings etc... here.

I ended up trying to explain to someone what it feels like to be on the edge of suicide.  It's such a desperate and scary place.  You can't see anything except the present misery and pain and know that you can't do it anymore.  I, thankfully, found one small shred of hope when I got to the end of my rope.

I was also thinking a lot about the hard times I've had and how things have changed.  Today I really needed to talk some stuff out.  Instead of isolating myself and pretending that everything was ok, I called my mum and went for a visit.  I told some people how I was feeling.  this is a huge thing for me and yet it was actually my first thought.  For so long I wouldn't have wanted to burden anyone, or I would have felt like I was a failure because I needed to talk.  Now I know that this is a good thing to do.  I am grateful that there are people in my life who are there for me, no matter what.

I also realize that I have faced some similar situations as the ones I was in that were so bad.  And, I handled them differently.  When I was in a relationship that wasn't really honouring who I am, I ended it.  When something messy went down at work, I dealt with it.  I didn't just accept these things.  I actually believed I deserve better.  Wow, I need to say that again.  I believed that I deserve better.

This is a big thing for me.  Really being able to see some of this in my actions.  And so, I am finding ways to move forward, to feel like the world is an ok place.

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Curiousity

For so long the thought of the future has been horrible at worst or unsettling at best.  This week I feel curious about it.  Curious about what it will bring, what I will do etc...  It's such a treat to feel positive and not scared or anxious about what will come. My counsellor said at one point that not worrying about the future means trusting myself enough to know that I will handle whatever comes my way.  That sounds like a big thing, but the fact that I am feeling curious about what will happen must mean that one some level I am there, or getting there anyhow.  I like to take time to savour moments like these.  They happen more often now than they used to, but they still seem like such a treat to me.

Sunday 13 May 2012

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day and I thought a post about my mum would be appropriate.  For a long time I didn't really appreciate my mum.  In some ways I'm ashamed of it now, but in other ways I really can see that the depression had a lot to do with it. I wanted my mum to be someone she is not. Well, really I generally wanted other people to relate to me in ways that didn't really match who they were.

I wanted someone to rescue me from all of the stuff going on inside my head.  And who better to expect to do that than my mum?

Since I've been on this latest journey, I've really come to appreciate my mum.  I no longer want her to rescue me.  What I do want is to really know her for who she is.  And, as I so much more able to share who I am, I find that we really are getting to know each other better.

My mum is an amazing person.  She finds happiness in all sorts of small things.  She has amazing abilities to celebrate the silly, and to be serious when needed.  She has been such a support for me, in a way that still amazes me.  I know that I will never feel like I can thank her enough.  I also know that she is my mum and doesn't feel the need to be thanked.

In conclusion, I love you mum.

Thursday 10 May 2012

Fitting In

Ironically, this week is Mental Health Week and my mental health has decided to take a bit of a break.  I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of writing trying to figure out what is going on.  Lots it turns out, but this is a blog, not a novel so I'll keep it to one topic.

There are a lot of people around me right now that are highly stressed and this is really showing up in their interactions with me.  I am struggling with it.  I have always been very attuned to the energy around me and it really has an effect on me.  Or, at least that is what I have always thought.  Turns out it works in the reverse.

I remember never really feeling like I fit in anywhere and so desperately wanting that, for a long long time.  I realize now that I got to be very good at picking up on the energy around me so that I could mimic it and fit in.  It didn't matter how I actually felt or what my own energy was.  I wanted to be part of the group.  If the group energy was negative, I adopted that, it if was cynical, I adopted that, etc...  Eventually I had no clue about me anymore.  I was a chameleon and would adapt to whatever was going on, even if that meant twisting myself like a pretzel.  I was willing to do whatever I needed to to make a situation work.

It never occurred to me that maybe the problem wasn't me, but it was the situation.  I've learned this now.  If I am really being myself and a situation isn't working then I need to look at the situation and decide what to do.  The thing I find challenging is dealing with the energy around me when it is now how I feel.  All the stressed people are exuding negative energy.  The thing is, I don't feel that way and this time I don't want to take on that persona.  But, this is really hard for me.  I'm not used to being aware of my own feelings and energy and I'm not used to trying to maintain it now matter the people around me.  Some of them I can avoid, but others are co-workers and I need to work with them.

I guess we are always learning new skills and for me there are a lot of things I haven't learned.  It's ok to be in tune with the energy around me.  In a lot of ways this allows me to have compassion for people.  What I need to learn is where to draw the line and not participate in it.

Wednesday 9 May 2012

Feeling Sad

Today I am having a hard day.  I'm tired and I feel like I haven't really been paying enough attention to my emotions and how I feel.  They eventually take over when I let things go for too long.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am and what I value.  It led me back to a little over 4 years ago.  My job was awful, my anxiety levels were through the roof, I was hardly sleeping, I was so isolated from everyone, I really was in survival mode all the time.  How to get through the day without yelling or crying inappropriately?  How to survive until I could at least go home and be alone?

One day, I was on the way to work and was pretty much at the end of my rope.  I was standing at a street corner and saw a semi coming down the road.  I thought, "I could just step in front of that truck and then I wouldn't have to go to work today.  I wouldn't have to deal anymore."  My next thought was "Oh shit" and the next was " that would kill my mother."  So, I didn't do it.  I sucked it up and went to work anyhow.

When I look back on that moment now, it makes me so sad.  I was so messed up.  I valued myself so little that even at that moment I just kept going.  I had no concept that instead of going to work, I should have gone to the hospital (which wasn't too far away).  I didn't know how to ask for help.  In fact, the thought never even crossed my mind.  It makes sad to think that whoever I  really am was so far gone that all I knew was survival.

Back to today.  I've learned that it's ok to ask for help.  It's ok to say that I have bad days.  It's ok to show that I can't always cope.  It's ok to let other people be strong for me when I can't.  I'm grateful for these learnings.

But, who am I?  That's a different story altogether.  I often find myself thinking about how I am act and comparing it to "then".  It's different, which is good.  But, is it really me?  What is me anyhow?  The person that was so buried by so much stuff is pretty much unburied now, but still pretty flattened out.  I'm not really sure what shape I am.  Or how that looks.  Often I find it hard to live with this ambiguity about myself.  I try hard to remember that I probably had the depression for over 20 years.  A year and a half of healing is a good start, but it makes sense that it would take longer to sort some things out.  But, on days like today, I am impatient.

Tuesday 1 May 2012

Fun and silliness

Recently I sent a package of silly things to a friend who is having a hard time.  Making it was really fun and tapped into a part of my brain that has been quiet for a long time.  It reminded me of my university days.  There were four of us that had been friends when we were in high school.  Once we were all in different places we would send each other newsletters.  These were full of inside jokes that most people would think were not funny.  (A lot of them came to be early in the morning when we had been up all night).  We thought they were funny though.  I really used to look forward to getting the newsletters in the mail and also to making them up to send off.

This got to me thinking about my adult life.  When did that sense of fun and silliness disappear?  When did I decide (is that even the right word) that I needed to be grown up and serious?  Or did the depression just get so bad that I was no longer able to find that side of my self?  When did fun get replaced with something else?  Someone else?  Someone I am not?  When did the mask become all that there was?

I remember being at grad school when we were supposed to be serious business students who would be able to function in the "real" world.  We were certainly encouraged to be a certain way.  It didn't really feel right then, but depression was really starting to take over at the time.  Then I went to work in my first business-type job.  Again, no room for people who didn't fit a certain mold.  I remember feeling like the person I was at work was not me at all.  But, by the point it no longer mattered.  The depression was so bad, there was no way I had any way to handle the situation other than to just try to survive everyday (which I barely did).

The thing is that that kind of fun is life giving for me.  I makes me feel good about things.  It's creative as well and uses a side of me that doesn't come out very often, and yet it's a vital side of who I am.  I am not an artist or a musician or a sculptor etc...  But I do like to create fun.  I often find that I have a twisted sense of humour and find a lot of things funny that others don't.  This is a side of me that has been buried for so long it's taking a lot of work to discover it and find ways to express it.

This journey of learning to live with depression is tough a lot of days.  Finding those sides of me that feed my soul is worth the effort though.