Safety Net

Tonight at group we were talking about group ending... that is coming faster than I thought it would. 7 sessions left.  I was talking about how I am scared about what happens afterward and will I be ok.  It feels like a bit step for me.  For a long time now I have had a safety net.  Psychologists, counselling, group etc... have been the place where I talk about things that are hard to talk about.  A place where I didn't worry about whether or not the person listening wanted to hear what I was talking about.  A place where nothing was taboo, things didn't need to be politically correct and I could explore.

The leader of the group asked me if my friends felt like a safety net.  My answer was, sort of.  For some topics yes, for others not so much.  I also said that often it feels like my friends want to fix the problem, rather than listen to what I am saying.  But, it also occurred to me to think that maybe I haven't ever really asked.  I haven't asked people if they are willing to be that place for me.  The space where I can talk about the hard stuff.  The space where I can talk about things that I think people don't want to talk about.  I have refrained from talking about so many things with friends because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.  I am afraid of what some of the hard stuff will do to them.

The truth is that there have been people offer and I haven't taken them up on it.  I"m scared.  Scared to let people that care about me and that I care about see all my hurts.  Scared of rejection, scared of letting people see my lose it.  I am so used to feeling the pain in private, that I forget that pain and hurt shared can often make it lighter.  When I think about the number of friends that have seen me cry about my life (movies are different) it makes me sad. I don't let people see that side of me very often.

And so, no my friends don't feel like a safety net.  But, in so many cases I have never given them the chance.  And so, here I am asking.  I am asking my friends, family and blog family to be my safety net.  To provide me with the place where I can talk about hard stuff.  To tell me if I am in territory that is too much for you.  To tell me that it is ok to keep going, to keep talking.  I expect that no one can be the whole safety net, but each person can provide part of it.  Parts will overlap and there may be some holes.  But hopefully it will exist, and even more importantly hopefully I will have the courage to use it.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day. It is a day when folks generally take extra care to remember the things they are thankful for.  So, I got to thinking about that as well.  The biggest thing I am thankful for is feeling alive.  The numbness is gone.  The not caring, not knowing how to survive every day is gone.  Feeling like my life was not worth living is gone.  I am thankful to know that there is a different way to live.  I can see now how much my illness was controlling my life.  Now, it is a part of my life, but in a way that is manageable.

I am also thankful for all of the people who have, and continue to support me.  Many of you will read this.  Some won't.  I don't know where I would be without you.

A picture speaks 1000 words

This infographic is great.  It really  gives a good synopsis of what depression is and some ways to treat it.  The sources is at the bottom.  I wanted to share this as it certainly describes some parts of the journey I am on.  I hope maybe it will help others as well.

Heavy

Do you ever have those days when it just seems like everything in life is heavy?  I'm having one of those days today.  Lots of talk about death, sickness, crime, murder etc...  I am know I am sensitive to these things and they affect me a lot.  When there is too much of it, it is hard for me to handle.  These are all parts of life I know, but today feels like a lot.

I am noticing a difference in me though, compared to a different time in my life.  At one point this kind of heaviness would have caused me to completely shut down and not let myself feel anything.  Today I am having trouble with the intensity of the emotion and how to manage that. 

What it does show me though is that I am connected to my emotions, I am in my life instead of watching it from a place of numbness.  This is what I have been aiming for throughout the last few years.  My goal has never been to feel good all the time.  That's totally unrealistic.  My goal though has been to experience life instead of shutting it out.  I am doing that today.  It's hard, partly because it is hard, and partly because it is not something I am used to doing.  But, the point is, I am doing it.

Today feels heavy, but at least it feels something at all.