Playing by the Rules... or Not

I have spent so much of my life playing by the rules.  Never taking risks, being afraid of the potential for things to go wrong.  Feeling like I never fit in anywhere.  Feeling my soul shriveling day by day.

Sometimes the rules are stupid.  Sometimes the rules make sense for some people and not for others.  Sometimes not risking doing things differently has far greater consequences that taking a risk and having things go wrong.  Playing by other peoples rules led me to a place where I wanted to end my own life.  It led me to a place where I could never see things getting better.  And I always, always felt like it wasn't really me.  And so now, I need to find my own rules.  I need to take the risks I need to take.  I need to judge myself on trying, rather than on results.  Risk comes with potential upside and downside.  I understand that.  Making my own rules is important.  Taking risks is important for me to feel whole.  Being myself, my whole self really matters.

I'm overwhelmed by the freedom of this revelation, and scared by the possibilities.  It won't always be easy.   But, feeling on the outside of things and not really understanding why is not easy either.  At least if I can better understand what I need and want, I can choose to be on the outside, instead of being unhappy about it.