Self-harm and speaking about it

A colleague said something to me a couple of months ago. I brushed it off then as nothing, but it really made me think. There were a few of us in the kitchen, and one lady was giving me a hard time about being a klutz. Another one was kinder saying she was familiar with a number of injuries since I started at my current workplace.

Another woman was there and said for awhile she thought it was self-harm, only she knew it wasn't because there were witnesses to the accidents that caused the injuries. I laughed it off with everyone at the time.

However, it wasn't as innocent as accidents, at least not for probably the first 3 years I worked at this place. I wasn't actively harming myself, but I wasn't doing anything to stay out of the way of harm when it came my way. I also was so deep in the hole of depression that I didn't care if I got hurt, and I was having such a hard time believing that I had any value that I was careless with my safety.

In my experience these thoughts left unchecked lead to fantasies of injury, then lead to the thought of taking me own life being appealing. The accidents and associated thoughts were a precursor that time as well. (The thought of taking me life has been there a number of times for me).  Thankfully this time the end result was me saying to the psychologist I was seeing that something needed to change and that I couldn't live like that anymore. Then the journey I have been on for the last 5 years began.

And so dear colleague, friends and readers, I ask you to trust your intuition about things. My colleague was right, although my way of harming myself was much more subtle. Talk to people about mental health, mental illness, self-harm, suicide prevention etc...

These days injuries are accidents. I play dodgeball which comes with its risks. And well accidents do happen. I care enough about myself now to be more careful, and to pay more attention.

Saying It

I am having a hard time, and have been for about 3 months now.  There, I said it, out loud for other people to know.  That's a big step based on how things have been going lately. 

I can feel the darkness around me, hanging over my head, surrounding me.  And I'm scared.  Scared that I won't be able to find a way through it.  Scared of going to that dark dark place I have been before.  Scared of the darkness.

Someone once said to me that when things are bad, they don't get better until they get different.  So, here I am trying something different.  Hoping that by letting others in they will bring some light with them.

Lucky

Recently a friend who also lives with depression thanked me for being braver than she is because I talk about it. This came in the context of her having to take a few days off to adjust to some new meds, and not feeling like she can tell her boss why she is taking the time off.

There are times when I feel brave in talking about living with mental illness, there are times when I feel lucky because I have been in circumstances where I was pretty sure sure it would be ok, and there are times when I am pretty sure how I present things helps in making it ok.

I have told 2 bosses about my challenges. Both have been really good about it. The first one I knew pretty well and I was pretty sure it would be ok. I then also got her to help me work part time and she was really good about it. In fact her only reaction when I asked was that she wasn't sure how to make it happen so she would have to get back to me on that.

The second boss I didn't know at all, so telling her was perhaps risky. The thing is I hate feeling like I have to make up illnesses when I need a day off for mental health reasons. I hate having to make up fake doctors when I am off to a counselling session. So, I told her. 

The thing is, I don't really care what people think about this part of me. And maybe that is what makes it alright. I have accepted depression as part of my life. I, most of the time, don't buy into the stigma. I know, most of the time, that this is a chronic illness like any other and once in awhile I need to do something to keep it well managed. Coming from this angle made telling my boss not so scary because telling her was in the name of advocating for my needs, not apologizing for my absences.

So, am I brave? Am I lucky? Am I advocating for myself and in doing so caring for myself? All of the above I would say.