2 years ago

Two years ago today I started taking anti-depressants.  That was the day I finally accepted that I needed to do this in order to heal.  It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

Anniversaries seem to be the time we look back on what has been.  The last two years have been one wild ride.  I have reposted an article I wrote for the Globe and Mail about my life 2 years ago.  When I remember that time, I cry.  I was struggling so hard, and didn't know what to do, or really how to ask for help. I was so determined to do things on my own.  That with a bit more work I would be fine. 

The truth is I was scared to death.  Scared to admit that I couldn't handle things.  Scared to show any kind of vulnerability because I was convinced someone would use it against me and hurt me with it.  Scared to keep going in the same way, and scared to make any kind of change.  With all this I had such bad anxiety and I was having panic attacks regularly.  I was at the bottom.  

Now, what is my life like?  Hmmmm, a whole lot better to say the least.  I am learning my limitations.  I am learning what I need to have a good life.  To live with depression, instead of fighting it or running from it. Most days I can even forget about it, most days.  Well, other than the pill I take.

I am not longer scared, at least not like I was.  I know that things have to be different before they are better, so no matter how scary different feels, I am learning to trust it is the way to better.

I'm still an independent person, and always will be.  But, I am also much more able to ask for help.  This is good because at some point, going it alone is horrible.

I am grateful to all of you who read this blog.  I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have been there for me.  It's been a very difficult time for me.  Coming to terms with what having depression means for my life has been difficult.  Dealing with so much of the emotional baggage that I wasn't able to handle before has been hard, and rewarding at the same time.

For me, this journey isn't over.  I have my doubts it will ever be.  I am coming to understand that I can live my life in a way that means that depression will be a small part of it.  But, I have to pay attention.  I have to ensure that I make good choices.  Without this, this risk of sliding to the bottom again is very real.

And so, I'll ask the people in my life to keep an eye on me.

This is the link to the article I wrote.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-nephews-birth-gave-me-hope/article2040196/