Sunday 22 September 2013

Sad

This evening I feel sad.  The last three years have been tough for me in a lot of ways.  There has been a lot of good stuff come out of it. But, there also have been some bad stuff come out of it.  I haven't been a good friend for sure and I know this has certainly affected some friendships.  This makes me very sad.  Today I long for the days when some of these friendships seemed so easy.  I long for the days when I felt connected to certain people that I no longer feel connected to.  I am sad.

Saturday 14 September 2013

Bigger things going on

Do you ever get the impression from people that there is something bigger going on than what they are telling you?  It always makes me wonder why people won't just be honest up front and be done with it.  Sometimes it hurts more in the short-run, but in the long-run it is better.

But, then I think about my own actions.  I hate to hurt people, even when it is a consequence of doing the right thing.  Even when there is nothing I can do to help it.  So, sometimes I wimp out and try to soften the truth in order to not hurt someone else.  I am trying to at least evaluate this before I do it to decide which way will do the least harm.  Is dragging something out going to be easier?  Depends on the situation.

The other reason I can see that people shy away from the truth, and me included, is that by telling the other person the truth, they would have to admit something to themselves that they don't want to.  Pretending that things are ok, or minimizing things, is certainly one way to avoid things that are uncomfortable.  I am pretty good at this.  The thing I have learned is that for me, this doesn't do me any good in the long run.

Those things that I tend to avoid, have almost always come back to bite me.  Again, sometimes not dealing with something right away is the right thing to do.  But, I know that this needs to be a decision, not an automatic reaction.  When it is an automatic reaction is feels more like denying that anything is going on, pretending things away.  When it is a decision to put something aside, it is a choice.  It is still an acknowledgement that it is there.  It feels kinder to myself to say that yes something is going on, but now is not a good time to deal with it.  For me, it stops the cycle of self-judgement about feeling the way I do, but keeps things manageable.

The other thing I know is that when I am able to admit that thing to myself, I am way less likely to take things out on other people.  I can see better what is my role and what is theirs.  I can address behaviour towards me and coming from me that I don't like, without overreacting.  It is the hard way to do things, but in the end it is the kinder way.  I am not perfect at it (and don't actually expect ever to be), but I am way better about being honest with myself than I used to be.  This has improved my life and freed me in so many ways.

Monday 9 September 2013

Emotion

I was reading someone else's blog this evening and she was talking about Suicide Prevention Week this week.  I wrote a comment on her blog to tell my story when I was so very close to it myself.  Thinking about that day and the hopelessness, despair and isolation I felt still has the power to make me cry.  It also makes me so sad to know what I did next.  I went to work and carried on with my day like nothing had happened. I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't know how to talk about it, I didn't know how to reach out for help.  I only knew how to survive and barely at that.

I started this blog to help myself.  It has turned into one of my greatest tools in my journey.  Something happened recently that made it hard for me to write because I don't want to write about what happened in a public forum.  I really missed being able to write a post when something was churning around in my brain.  I am thankful to be able to write again, about other things.

I know this blog helps me.  I hope that it helps others as I truly believe talking about difficult things can only help.  The truth is though, even if this blog doesn't help anyone else, it keeps me going.

And so, I talk.  I talk about depression, suicide, medications, hard days and good days. It's important.  Of this I am sure.

Tuesday 3 September 2013

Who I am

I went on a date a little while ago. I got to thinking afterwards about why I wasn't interested. Part of it was that she was so interested in my coming out story. It's not that I mind telling it. It's just that it's not who I am. My story is a part of me, but I am so much more than that. For me, the same goes for depression. It is a part of who I am, but again I am so much more.

I spent some time this past weekend with some friends I met through the lesbian community. Some of what I like about them is that while we are all lesbian, it is not what we focus on. We talk about it sometimes and we talknabout other things. It is so lovely. (They might even recognize themselves in this post. If so, thanks so much). It is also why I like to have friends that are not gay. I think it is too easy to lose perspective otherwise. It's a big world out there.

I am not my illness either. For a while in the past few years it has taken up a lot of my energy as I work on recovering. I am bigger than that also. Now that things are getting better most of the time I am rediscovering myself. Yesterday I decided last minute to go to a football game and I rode my bike there  That felt like the me of long ago. The me of some of my happier days. It was nice to feel that person coming back.

I am a whole person. My coming out story and my illness are part of what shapes me but they do not define me.

Monday 2 September 2013

When?

When did adulthood start to mean being so serious?
When did play have to be structured?
When did running a car along the carpet or chasing a friend around the yard stop being fun?
Or when did these things stop being acceptable?
When did living mean meeting other people's expectations?
Are they really others expectations?
Or are we all just pretending?
When did life become about being perfect?
When did living, being alive, learning and growing stop being the goal?
When did the small offenses become so big that they can end relationships?
When did saying I'm sorry stop working?
When did trust go away?
When did loving with abandon stop?
Why can't we just meet someone and call them our friend?
When did the fear start?
When did jumping into life with both feet, headlong without caution stop?
When did things get so hard?
When did the complexities of life become the focus?

When did I start giving up?
When did I start giving in?
When did I decide that who I am is not acceptable?
When did I decide that the world's expectations were more important?
When did I buy into the idea that being adult meant giving up the play?
When did I buy into the idea that I needed to behave a certain way, even though it is not who I am?

When will I give up?
When will I lay on my carpet with a toy car? or chase a friend around the yard?
When will I decide that I am enough just the way I am?
Will I ever decide that being adult doesn't have to mean being serious all the time?
Will I ever decide that play is important?
When will I learn that the only person I need to please is me?