First time

I went to my first lesbian dance last night.  Beforehand I was pretty nervous.  In a lot of ways it felt like a big step.  A big step into the unknown anyhow.  I found out in the morning that the lady who was supposed to come pick me up had the flu and wasn't going.  Drat.  Back to having to arrive alone.  Then another couple of nice ladies volunteered to come get me.  I was thankful for that.  It's not nearly so intimidating to arrive with people who are comfortable being there.

What was I nervous about you might ask?  The unknown mainly.  I really had no idea what to expect.  I think also it was just one more time of admitting to myself and the world that I am gay.  While I am ok with that, it still feels awkward and weird.  But the fact that I was willing to put myself out there and go anyhow shows so much progress from a year ago.  Then, there is no way I would have been able to handle the anxiety associated with even thinking about going to this kind of thing.  I also wouldn't really have been aware of why I didn't want to go, I just wouldn't have gone because it took too much energy (ok, and I didn't know I was gay).

Yesterday I was totally aware of the fact that I was nervous and that this was a normal reaction to the situation.  I wasn't having a major panic attack, well for very long anyhow.  I was able to tell people I was nervous, meaning I was aware of how I felt.  This to me is the success of it all.  And, I also had a really nice time.  The atmosphere was casual and friendly.  I danced most of the evening.  I knew a few people and met some new ones.  And, for those who like Danielle is accident-prone stories, I also managed to spill part of my beer on me and on someone else.  All in all it was a fun night.

The quirky and the light

This journey of healing is full of twists and turns.  So often I take stock and think, boy do I feel better.  And then awhile later I do the same and feel even better.  Every time this happens it makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy I am getting better, but sad for how bad things were.

Lately I have started to be able to see some of the quirky, fun, and light-hearted moments of my life.  For so long I have been in the fog of depression.  I was protecting myself from the dark, hard, scary and hurtful things that I knew were there.  What I see now is that I was also excluding the good things; for instance, leaving goofy messages on a wipe-board for my boss at a previous job, my dad teaching me to ride a bike, feeding my sister mud pies (she might argue about this being a good thing), funny ways of popping popcorn, my aunt offering me a nickel to hiccup again, my grandma giving us $2 after she would win at nickel bingo, a chocolate pudding fight in the cafeteria, etc etc...  These are the kinds of things that I haven't even thought about until recently.

As I slowly deal with the dark things, I find there is light behind them.  My life hasn't been all bad, hard, hurtful and scary.  There were many good moments, and there still are.  Depression made it so I couldn't see these for a time, but they haven't gone away.  Some of the darkness is lifting and for that I am very grateful.

Great bit from Rick Mercer

For those of you not familiar with Rick Mercer, he does a show in Canada called the Rick Mercer report.  He is generally out to be funny, but this is a very good serious rant.  I am not in public life, but I hope by sharing my story of depression and being gay that maybe, just maybe I can help someone, or help someone help someone...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh1jNAZHKIw&sns=fb

Emotional piggy bank and acid

When I first went to my doctor he explained depression to me in terms of an emotional bank.  I like to think of it in terms of a piggy  bank though (could be because I like interesting images).  What he said was that we all have an emotional bank and for most people, on average what goes in at the top is about the same amount that comes out at the bottom.  And for most people the bank is generally pretty full.  With depression the bank is close to empty or empty.

For me I see the image in terms of a piggy bank with acid in it.  The acid is at the bottom and eroding away many holes.  No matter what you do to fill it up from the top, the holes just get bigger and bigger at the bottom.  Eventually there is so little in the piggy bank that you don't have the energy to try to fill it up anymore, but the acid just keeps on going.  I see that when the bank is totally empty that's when people get to the point of contemplating suicide.  There is nothing left to give hope that things will get better.  Thankfully for me, my piggy bank got really really low, but there is was something small left to give me hope.

In order to  get better from depression I needed to find a way to neutralize the acid.  The acid is all the hurts and trauma and challenges and unacknowledged things over the years that  just kept eating away and eating away.  Neutralizing the acid has to come from the top and the bottom.  It's a matter of putting the piggy bank in water (medications, counseling, friends, family...) to stop the acid from having any potency anymore.  And then finding ways to reconstruct the holes.  The piggy bank has changed shape and some part of the reconstruction are stronger than they were and others are weaker, but the holes in the bottom are smaller now, and will get even smaller I believe as time goes on.  Often I still find new holes that need repair.  This process is often brutally hard and the repair jobs seem impossible, but little by little I seem to be finding a way.

It was also critical to find different things to put in the piggy bank from the top.  Find things that make me happy, find ways to make sure I am taking care of myself, reconnect with people, connect with other people, recognize the good things in my life...  After so many years of not paying attention to me this is not an easy process.  I am not really sure what needs to go in the top, but I am working on it.  Some of that is trial and error, which is a difficult way, but I am not sure what other way I can do this.

My piggy bank is very misshapen and I'm not convinced I am repaired all the holes made by the acid.  But, it's my piggy bank and I feel like I am finally really starting to take responsibility for what happens to it.

Stalked by depression

Depression seems to follow me everywhere, even places I wouldn't have thought. For awhile after the diagnosis I thought maybe I would keep it quiet, but it turns out that is hard to do.

Anywhere medical, dentist, physio, massage, acupuncture, for starters as they always want to know what kind of medication I am taking and what for.  Work also.  I took nearly a month off last year around Christmas.  Then earlier this year I got a new boss.  I needed to explain the numerous doctor's appointments (included psychologist).  I also needed to explain why I am not interested (at least for now)  is some advancement opportunities.  These kinds of unexpected behaviours usually make people wonder.

Anytime I am asked about my coming out story I end up talking about it because the two are so intertwined there is pretty much no way to avoid that.

And today, somewhere I would not have thought about.  I went to give blood and they also want to know what kind of medications and what for.

For me, this isn't so bad as I have come to terms with it and well I share a lot about my journey on this blog.  But it's amazing to me how much and how often it comes up.

Amazing people

Tonight I am feeling emotional and grateful for some amazing people in my life.  The past year or so has been really tough for me and I have needed to lean on others.  So many people have come through and have been strong for me as I had so many moments when I didn't feel strong.  They have shared experiences are perspective, asked questions and given hugs.  They have loved and supported me and reminded me of the essence of who I am.  They have reminded me that while some things may have changed, others have stayed the same.  They have been my rock.  You know who you are.  Thank you so much.  You have helped me come so far.

Making new rules to live by

There were some significant events along my journey to crashing from depression.  One was a few years where I was in 2 different rotten situations, one was work and the other was a relationship.  There is lots of trauma coming from those, but the question of the day is why did I stay in them so long? 

Some of the rules I used to live by were don't make a fuss, don't be seen, do what is expected, don't be different.  This came to play particularly in the work setting.  I had a full-time career job.  Good pay, good benefits and the work was related to my schooling. Exactly what everyone is striving for right? But, the job was not a good fit at all.  I knew this going on in, but I went in on a short-term contract so I figured it would be ok for that amount of time.  Then daily my self-confidence was eroded by a lot of things.

So, why did I stay?  Really, why didn't I just say no in the first place. Well, it was supposed to be what I was striving for.  It also was the "safe" decision.  Don't take a risk, don't leave, keep the sure thing.  In the end it turned out to be one of the most dangerous places as my mental health took a real beating.  It almost destroyed me.

What's the lesson here?  I need some new rules to live by.  My life can't be about the safe decision, it can't be about what other people think I should want.  I know that I will likely always be vulnerable to mental health challenges and so I need to consider that.  I need to trust my gut, or my heart, or whatever you want to call it.  If something in me says this isn't right, I need to pay attention to that.  

By making safe decisions I have put myself in many situations that were soul destroying and not soul building. I've known that many decisions were not that best ones and yet I kept along that path in order to no make a fuss or be different.  Being true to myself is a challenging road, but it is the one rule I need to live by, always.

And then comes the dawn

It always seems to be that at the end of the hard times there is some reprieve.  I guess it makes sense actually when I think about it.  Usually the hard times are when there are hard things to deal with.  These are still generally things from the past, although often tangled up with things from the present.  Most often it comes when I either stop paying attention to myself or when I have a hard time letting myself be human.  But, the hard times are also reminders that things are still in flux and the process is ongoing.  I hope at some point the process will be less intense, but for now it is what it is.  

When dealing with the hard times I also end up dealing with some of the trauma, struggles or challenges that I face.  This leads to new understandings and new ways of seeing the world.  This part is good.  Sometimes I get tired of the process still seeming so hard, I want to be better.  In so many ways I am, but in a lot of ways I am only at the beginning.  When things aren't so hard it is a good time to take a step back and see that I am working through things and have come a long way.  Now to try to remember that in the middle of the hard times.

For now, I will take the feeling better times and know that I need to take advantage of them because there will be more hard times as I know there are still things to work through.  All in good time.

Thankful to be alive

When I have weeks like I have had recently, when everything seems hard and the negativity seems overwhelming, it is good, if I can, to take stock of what I am thankful for.

Today I am thankful to be alive.  That's it.  I'm thankful that when I was younger and thought about suicide that I didn't have the courage to follow through with it.  Or maybe something small was telling me there was hope.  I'm thankful that a few years ago when I considered it again I had enough perspective to understand what it would do to the people I loved and to know I couldn't do that to them.  I don't think I really had any hope at that time, but at least there was something tugging at me.

Right now things seems hard, but I am thankful that I am around to take it on.

Sucking you dry

I've been processing some really bad situations that I have been in, in the past.  Today I got to thinking about what kind of people would be as mean and abusive as some people in my life have been.  And that is where this comes from.

There are some people in our lives that are meant to be there.  The ones that we love, and that love us.  The ones that we support and the ones that support us.  The ones that we are happy for and are happy for us.  People that are there, real friends.  Real caring.

Then there are the people that will suck you dry.  They will show up like a friend, for awhile anyhow.  But over time all they really want to your energy.  They take and take and take, and offer nothing back.  They will take every ounce of you.  In the end, at least in my experience, then they end up mad.  Because, eventually, they have all of you and yet they want more.  When they can't get more, they blame you.  They yell, berate, belittle, abuse...  Whatever their chosen method is.  If, like I was, you happen to be particularly vulnerable at the time, it makes it easy for them.

Someone I know said recently that when she evaluates a friend she asks herself if she is a better person because this person is in her life.  Are they bonding over something positive or negative?  Positive bonding is life giving, negative will destroy your soul eventually.  At least, it did for me.  Now, I am rebuilding it one step at a time.

It's ok

It's ok to feel happy
It's ok to laugh
It's ok to make mistakes
It's ok to be human
It's ok to feel anything
It's ok to feel scared
It's ok to not know
It's ok to not be perfect
It's ok to be grateful
It's ok to feel lonely
It's ok to ask for help
It's ok to be nervous
It's ok to be vulnerable
It's ok to protect yourself
It's ok to know what you want
It's ok to ask to have your needs met
It's ok to be you

The Honeymoon is over

As with many things in life, sorting through the root causes of depression came with a honeymoon period for me. There's that moment, that realization, that aha, there is it.  Now I understand way better.  Now I can finally feel good because that is gone. And for awhile this good feeling is enough to sustain.  But, as with many things in life, that phase is not enough.

There is another phase, the one that comes after.  The one where you learn to incorporate the learnings into your life.  The one where you learn to live differently.  For me, that means learning what I want and what I don't want, what makes me happy, what fills me with joy, what I like, what I don't like.  In the end, it really means living my life according to my own rules, and no one else's.  It means being ok with being different than what society tells me I  should be.  It means being ok with being different than what my family, friends  and colleagues might want to tell me I should be.  It means learning to live, at least part time, in the lesbian community.  I have never really felt like I fit in in the main stream anything.  Time to embrace that and be ok with it.

This means work.  Hard work.  It also means accepting that the process is my goal and there is no destination.  Learning is goal.  Getting to know and love myself more can only be good in the end.  It will bring pain and hurt and weeks like this one when that seems to be all there is.  But, it also means a better relationship with myself.  It means knowing what my needs actually are, what my triggers for depression are and how to live my life in a better way.

I need help on this journey still.  The medications are working, and I not depressed.  This allows me to be able to try.  But, I'm scared, I'm lonely and I often feel like I don't have any idea how to manage, how to cope.

A rant

Ok, here is my rant.  Where do people get off drawing a direct line from being gay to being a child molester?  Where does this come from?  Gay people are like all other people.  Mainly they are looking to live their lives and find someone to share it with.  Just because they want to share it with someone of the same gender doesn't mean there is anything sinister about them, or I guess I should say us.  Ok, it really makes me mad when people draw these kinds of conclusions based on nothing and that are so ridiculous!!!

http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2011/10/where-do-you-draw-the-line-on-free-speech.html

Abuse and being mean

Tonight I've been working through some old hurts.  I've been re-living and trying to re-frame some of the emotionally abusive situations I have been in.  And, it made me wonder why is it that when some people are feeling lousy about themselves the first thing they do is go looking for someone vulnerable?  They will then exercise power and be so abusive and hurtful to the vulnerable person.  Other people turn that same feeling inward.

What is it about this action?  Why is it that when we hurt we want other people to hurt also, and we so often inflict the hurt?  It's not like this really helps us deal with our own hurt.  Does misery really love company that much?

Hurt

Some days the hurt is right on the surface.  It's just the way it is.  I spent the day at work just barely on this side of coping.  Now that the day is over, I'm on the other side again.  Processing the hurt sucks quite frankly.  I know that it is a necessary and normal step, but it still sucks.

Not depressed, but still hard

Things are hard for me these days. I am no longer feeling depressed. However I am not ok either.  Depression for me is paralyzing.  It meant not dealing with anything, it meant existing.  And so I try to learn how to live.

Learning to live these days is hard and I'm struggling.  I am sad, and overwhelmed and unsure of what to do.  I don't even know how to love myself, how to treat myself right.  How do I learn something like that?  My life feels so unsettled and lonely.  I feel like I am starting over, and yet it feels like a process I should have gone through in my teens, not now.  How do I explain to people that I am trying to change things for me?  How do I explain that the life I had was one based on a lot of unhealthy things?  Lots of questions and few answers today.

How?

How do I come to terms with my life?
How do I learn to love myself?
How do I stay grounded when things are hard?
How do I deal with being so lonely?
How do I accept that dealing with this stuff means I am better?
How do I remember to give myself a break?
How do I learn to set realistic expectations for myself?
How do I let myself be human?
How do I know that I am strong?
How do I let the past be the past?
How do I recognize what is normal, tough, life stuff and what is depression?
How do I handle stress?
How do I understand that mistakes happen?
How do I let myself be human?
How do I understand that I am valuable?
How do I treat myself?
How do I learn to love myself?

Bravado and being real

Yesterday the local counseling centre was providing free depression screening on it's website.  I took a look at it, just for interest.  When I looked at it, it reminded me of the many times I manipulated those screenings to show that I was fine.  It wasn't hard.  I am smart, and I know the symptoms of depression and so when someone would give me the test, I would lie about how I was feeling.  No problem.  In a lot of ways I felt like I was outsmarting them.  In some ways, I think the system was part of the problem.  More than once I was given the screening before I even talked to a person.  For someone like me, who was good at hiding, didn't really trust people, and scared to death, I wasn't going to reveal that up-front.  I needed time to get to know someone.  I also needed someone to push me, not to back off when I was prickly.  I didn't find that.  In the end, I know that lying about how I was feeling didn't hurt the counsellors, it only hurt me.  But at the time, it seemed like a completely reasonable thing to be doing.

I was scared of depression.  Scared of anti-depressant medication, scared to show any kind of weakness and quite frankly not that aware of my own feelings.  So, I put up a front, put on the bravado that everything was ok and moved on.  I saw lots of counsellors in that time, but nothing really ever changed.  I know it wasn't their job to change things for me, but I also think they weren't observant and were not well equipped to deal with the wall I was putting up.  It also seems to me that they were very dependent on the screening and didn't really take a lot of time and effort to really observe or listen to the undertones of what I was saying.  One mentioned depression a few times and I immediately changed the subject, every time.  Maybe my expectations were too high.  Whatever the reason, I kept going on with the mask, the wall and the bravado.

I will be forever grateful to the counsellor I have been seeing for the past couple of years (and to the friend who suggested her).  She really took the time to listen to the words I was saying and somehow saw that there really was something there.  She called me on the bravado and let me know in no uncertain terms what message that sent.  Every time she saw it she said something about it.  She also showed me, somehow, that she couldn't help me unless I let her in, let her behind the wall.

I was terrified to say the least.  Letting someone see the hurt, frankly, letting myself discover the hurt, was so scary and hard.  Hurt is difficult, hurt is horrible, but numbness is worse.  Living behind a wall is worse.  Eventually, I managed to find a way to let myself chip away at the wall, and to let her see some of what was there.  It wasn't pretty, but for the first time in a long time I started to see the real me.

In the end, when I felt like I had hit a wall in my healing and she suggested depression and the anti-depressants I was much more receptive to hearing it.  I trusted that she knew what she was talking  about, and that she wasn't just relying on some answers I gave in a screening.  She knew a lot of what was going on and could see that there was something other than old hurts going on.  I was still terrified, but at least I managed to do something, I wasn't paralyzed.

I struggle everyday to be real, to leave the bravado behind.  I have to remind myself constantly what it is like to live behind the wall. It's not living, and that's the thing, it is only existing.  It protects me for a certain kind of hurt, but inflicts a whole different kind, which is so much bigger and harder in the end.  The wall blocks out living, it blocks out connection with other people, it blocks out joy and sorrow.  I live in the world now, most of the time.  It is harder in so many ways, but it is the only way to live.

Twisted like a pretzel

Since I was in Jr. High School I have rarely felt like I fit in anywhere, rarely felt like I belonged.  I spent a lot of those years twisting myself around like a pretzel in order to find a way to be accepted.  This was an effective strategy, for awhile.  In the end though, the act can only last for so long.  At some point something that is underneath comes through.  Then I would find myself feeling like an outcast again.

This is a bad pattern because at some point I didn't even know the person underneath it all anymore.  Anger, frustration, depression, anxiety.  These are the things that were right below the act.  When the act broke down, it's really no wonder that the people around me weren't all that happy to continue to be my friends.  I am sure that a lot of people took the brunt of all of these feelings when really they had very little to do with the cause.

The other thing about it is that being a pretzel hurts after awhile.  I wasn't meant to twist is all of those ways.  In the end I wasn't able to be what the people around me wanted, but instead of thinking that maybe I was in a situation that was a bad fit, I would twist and twist and twist until I broke.  Literally.  To me this is what happened a few times, but specifically when I finally really crashed nearly a year ago now.  I couldn't do it anymore and something inside me was screaming, stop!!! Get some help.

Have things changed for me?  I still often feel like an outcast and like I don't really fit in anywhere. Often this makes me feel alone and lonely.  At least now however I have two reactions that are positive.  The first is to remember that there are lots of people in my life who love and care about me.  And also who I love and care about.  I am accepted by them.  The second is to look at the situation.  Mostly I find that it is a situation where I feel like I can't really be myself.  And so I try a new situation.

As I am only learning who I really am and what I am all about, I think I am still often seeking out situations that aren't necessarily who I am.  At least sometimes I am able to recognize that before I twist very far, and try again.

Making sense of it all

Sometimes it seems that everything in my life is clicking and at other times like nothing is.  The other day a friend asked me if I have any vacation plans coming up.  I said no.  For the first time since I can remember that thought didn't cause me to panic.  I realized that I am pretty contented with my life at the moment, most of the time.  I love that thought.  Staying home, traveling, visiting friends or whatever all seems to be ok with me.  I love to travel and experience the world, but I can see now that so much of my need to get away all the time was driven by being so unhappy in my life.  Getting away like that was an opportunity to let it all go and really be in the moment.  Now I am often in the moment and not anxious or worried about things and so the desperate push to find a way to get into the moment isn't there so much.

Amazing how treating the underlying disorder can affect so many things.

People are talking about it

A poll by cbc on how to make things better.  My view, keep talking to whoever will listen...  Keep reminding people that these are illnesses and nothing to be ashamed of.  I would love to see a world where people with mental illnesses are given the same amount of support and encouragement as those with illnesses like cancer, ms, etc...  Anything that is life threatening, or life-altering, is serious and important.  This doesn't matter if it is physical or mental, we need to recognize and treat people them say way.  Give them the help they need to heal, recover, manage and find a way to go on.  As anyone who reads this knows, I speak from experience and it makes me really believe this needs to be done.  So many people out there are scared to talk about their challenges with mental illness and yet so many people out there are facing similar challenges.  The feeling of isolation is almost as bad as the illness itself.  

The point?  Illness is illness.  Let's start treating it that way.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2011/09/how-can-we-remove-the-stigma-of-mental-illness.html