One of my activities over the last few years has been dodgeball. I got into it randomly and ended up on a team of fabulous people equally randomly. The guy who introduced me to the team ended up not being a good fit, but I am still around.
Earlier this year I somehow ended up with a stress fracture in my foot. No idea how actually. Anyhow, as you can likely imagine, part of the treatment is not playing dodgeball, so I haven't played since the first week of March.
A friend asked me today how I was not going crazy, well the truth is, I am going crazy. I knew I would miss it, and I was worried about finding ways to keep up some kind of exercise. Thankfully I can swim still, and bike a little. These are helpful, but I am learning they are missing 2 things: team spirit and aggression. The first doesn't surprise me. As I said, my teammates are lovely.
The aggression I wouldn't have expected. I don't think of myself as an aggressive or particularly competitive person. I can see though, in hindsight, that many of the times when things were going at least better for me, I had some kind of aggressive outlet. Throughout my days at university I played basketball, volleyball and hockey. And my aggressive side came out.
The nice thing about dodgeball is that it is aggressive, but in a controlled and acceptable way. The whole point of the game is to throw balls at other people. Catching also has its own feeling of aggression, or maybe that is just pain. It sure makes you know you are in the game though.
I guess the other thing about the game is that it really makes you live in the moment. You either pay attention or get nailed with a ball.
And so, I am struggling without an aggressive outlet in my life right now. I know it is temporary and that my foot will eventually get better. And I am learning something about myself and what makes it easier for me to manage the depression. I really do need a place as an outlet for aggression. Hopefully I will be able to play dodgeball again soon.
Sunday 31 May 2015
Monday 25 May 2015
Unrecognizable
I had my performance review at work today. It went really well. I have been at my current position for 5 months now. My boss really had not much negative, or really even constructive to say. Her main messages were that it has been nice to watch me develop more or less how she expected I would and that I should carry on as it is going well. No one is worried about my project because they trust I have it under control. A good review to be sure.
We got talking about lots of things and it came up that she wouldn't have recognized the person I was 7 years ago now, and the people from that job wouldn't recognize me either. I am relaxed, confident and usually calm. For the most part I take challenges in stride and find ways to manage them. I have not even been close to an inappropriate emotional outburst.
The work environment had a lot to do with so much of that. Especially when having to deal with a bully everyday. Really when a work environment causes PTSD, there is something amiss there. Undiagnosed depression and anxiety didn't help either. So many factors working against me at the time. I was told I was a difficult employee to manage and I needed to make so many changes in order to be effective...
Today I was told I am an easy employee to manage, that in my bosses' view we have a good working relationship (which I agree with).
So how do I make sense of it all? Firstly, the depression and anxiety were there before the bully started, but she certainly exacerbated the problem, as did the people who would not acknowledge that she, not I, was the problem. Next, for me work environment is actually really important. Where I am now is even better for me than my regular position, mainly due to the nature of the job that I am there to do.
And mental health is SO imoirtant. Making mine a priority, no matter what this means, is the only way I can live my life.
#blog4mh
We got talking about lots of things and it came up that she wouldn't have recognized the person I was 7 years ago now, and the people from that job wouldn't recognize me either. I am relaxed, confident and usually calm. For the most part I take challenges in stride and find ways to manage them. I have not even been close to an inappropriate emotional outburst.
The work environment had a lot to do with so much of that. Especially when having to deal with a bully everyday. Really when a work environment causes PTSD, there is something amiss there. Undiagnosed depression and anxiety didn't help either. So many factors working against me at the time. I was told I was a difficult employee to manage and I needed to make so many changes in order to be effective...
Today I was told I am an easy employee to manage, that in my bosses' view we have a good working relationship (which I agree with).
So how do I make sense of it all? Firstly, the depression and anxiety were there before the bully started, but she certainly exacerbated the problem, as did the people who would not acknowledge that she, not I, was the problem. Next, for me work environment is actually really important. Where I am now is even better for me than my regular position, mainly due to the nature of the job that I am there to do.
And mental health is SO imoirtant. Making mine a priority, no matter what this means, is the only way I can live my life.
#blog4mh
Thursday 21 May 2015
Appreciating the unexpected joy
At one point in my life, when the depression was raging, there was no joy, ever. The moment I remember feeling the darkness lift a teeny tiny bit was now nearly 4.5 years ago when my nephew was born. At the time it felt like such a foreign emotion I didn't know what to do with it, or really how to let myself experience it.
Fast forward to today. I have been re-habbing a broken foot for the last 3 months or so. One of the things I need to do is stay off it. Usually my main way of getting to and from work is walking. Now I take the bus most days. Today though, I rode my bike. At the end of the day I felt such a sense of joy that getting home was not confined by the bus schedule, I could leave when I was ready and come straight home.
On the way home I rode by a stretch of mayday trees in bloom and the smell was delightful. I also rode by a whole bunch of goslings, so cute. I noticed and enjoyed these things.
It is really still amazing to me to feel the positive emotion that comes in these moments. Not just know that something good is going on and yet have no experience of anything positive. And then, especially before I had the diagnosis of depression, I would wonder what in earth was wrong with me that I never felt joy. Oof, hard way to live.
Today I am grateftul for treatment that is working, that I can be a part of the world for good and bad.
#blog4mh
Fast forward to today. I have been re-habbing a broken foot for the last 3 months or so. One of the things I need to do is stay off it. Usually my main way of getting to and from work is walking. Now I take the bus most days. Today though, I rode my bike. At the end of the day I felt such a sense of joy that getting home was not confined by the bus schedule, I could leave when I was ready and come straight home.
On the way home I rode by a stretch of mayday trees in bloom and the smell was delightful. I also rode by a whole bunch of goslings, so cute. I noticed and enjoyed these things.
It is really still amazing to me to feel the positive emotion that comes in these moments. Not just know that something good is going on and yet have no experience of anything positive. And then, especially before I had the diagnosis of depression, I would wonder what in earth was wrong with me that I never felt joy. Oof, hard way to live.
Today I am grateftul for treatment that is working, that I can be a part of the world for good and bad.
#blog4mh
Monday 11 May 2015
The Silver Lining
For the past 2+ months I have been working on rehabilitating a stress fracture in my foot. And the rehab will continue for some time yet. This means staying off it as much as possible. Challenging for me. My main sources of exercise are walking to and from work and playing dodgeball. Neither of which are really about staying off your foot.
When I first got the news I was pretty worried about what this would do to my mental health. Like a lot of people, exercise is one of the big parts of living with depression for me. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage. For the first couple of weeks I didn't manage very well. I still wanted to do the regular things.
After that I started getting a bit creative and doing other things. Not necessarily my choice of things, but at least a good substitute to keeping the darkness at bay.
Funny things is, now that I have to be more intentional about exercising I think I am doing more of it than I was. It has really made thing about my regular habits. I don't usually pay attention to the amount of time or the balance of exercise. I have been doing that more of late. I am hoping that some of the new habits will stick. At that very least it has made me pay more attention.
I also see more clearly just how important getting exercise is to my mental health regime. A better understanding of the link and the effects is never a bad thing.
#blog4mh
#getloud
#blog4mh
#getloud
Thursday 7 May 2015
First World Problems
I hate the phrase that has arisen recently, First World Problems. It makes me angry. Ok so before anyone thinks I don't get it, let me explain.
I understand the purpose is to remind people that we have it really good in this part of the world. It is to remind people to have some perspective on the things that are bothering them. And I agree with the sentiment.
Where it bothers me is that so often it is used to insinuate that people shouldn't feel or think a certain way about a situation. To me this is unhealthy. And for those of us living with mental illness it can be downright awful.
We live in the society we are in. It comes with a lot of privilege. For most of us, this means not worrying about our physical needs being cared for. We have places to live, clothes to wear and food to eat. Our society also comes with its own downsides and pressures. The way any of us feel about these is legitimate and valid. No matter how silly it might seem.
Now, let's take this a step further. For me, and a lot of others, one of the symptoms of mental illness is feeling lousy, overwhelmed, upset, anxious etc... all the time. The thing is, I have a good life. Rationally, there really is no "good" reason to feel awful. There are certainly people around me and around the world who have it way worse than me, and they don't feel like I do sometimes.
To me, anything that is aimed at making people with mental ilness feel shame for the feelings they have adds to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It makes people with the illness feel like they shouldn't feel like they do, even when there is nothing they can do about it. I think it also could lead people to hide what is going on with them.
In the end people with mental illness need support, not shame. Stigma is not helpful. Hiding is not helpful. And so I am workinf on watching the words I use and hope that others are also.
PS this is my 2nd blog post in the blog challenge I have joined
Check out #blog4mh on twitter to see all of the thoughts about mental health that are part of this challenge.
Also, it is the Canadian Mental Health Association mental health awareness week this week. Their theme is #Get Loud. Let's all get loud and talk about mental health.
I understand the purpose is to remind people that we have it really good in this part of the world. It is to remind people to have some perspective on the things that are bothering them. And I agree with the sentiment.
Where it bothers me is that so often it is used to insinuate that people shouldn't feel or think a certain way about a situation. To me this is unhealthy. And for those of us living with mental illness it can be downright awful.
We live in the society we are in. It comes with a lot of privilege. For most of us, this means not worrying about our physical needs being cared for. We have places to live, clothes to wear and food to eat. Our society also comes with its own downsides and pressures. The way any of us feel about these is legitimate and valid. No matter how silly it might seem.
Now, let's take this a step further. For me, and a lot of others, one of the symptoms of mental illness is feeling lousy, overwhelmed, upset, anxious etc... all the time. The thing is, I have a good life. Rationally, there really is no "good" reason to feel awful. There are certainly people around me and around the world who have it way worse than me, and they don't feel like I do sometimes.
To me, anything that is aimed at making people with mental ilness feel shame for the feelings they have adds to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It makes people with the illness feel like they shouldn't feel like they do, even when there is nothing they can do about it. I think it also could lead people to hide what is going on with them.
In the end people with mental illness need support, not shame. Stigma is not helpful. Hiding is not helpful. And so I am workinf on watching the words I use and hope that others are also.
PS this is my 2nd blog post in the blog challenge I have joined
Check out #blog4mh on twitter to see all of the thoughts about mental health that are part of this challenge.
Also, it is the Canadian Mental Health Association mental health awareness week this week. Their theme is #Get Loud. Let's all get loud and talk about mental health.
Sunday 3 May 2015
Get Loud
Tomorrow is the beginning of mental health awareness week. This year I have joined a blog challenge. #blog4mh on twitter to see the posts.
One of the themes I have heard is get loud. So what does this mean to me? Talk about your experience. Don't hide. Don't be afraid. Stigma only has to affect us if we let it. If someone can't handle the truth then they are not worth the effort. All these things seem easy when I am at home writing a post.
How will they be tomorrow when I go to work? How will they be when I go to a knitting group later in the week? How will they be when I have another appointment with a new doctor, one whom I haven't been able to figure out just yet?
These situations are where the rubber hits the road. Places where I have an opportunity to spread awareness or fear. Places where I can use my experience for good, or I can hide.
And so with this blog I am going to try to be brave one more time this week than I might otherwise. I am going to talk about mental health awareness week. I am going to see if I can do one small thing differently than I have before. I encourage you to do the same.
http://championsforcommunitywellness.com/2015/05/01/blog4mh-round-up-week-one-gets-started/
One of the themes I have heard is get loud. So what does this mean to me? Talk about your experience. Don't hide. Don't be afraid. Stigma only has to affect us if we let it. If someone can't handle the truth then they are not worth the effort. All these things seem easy when I am at home writing a post.
How will they be tomorrow when I go to work? How will they be when I go to a knitting group later in the week? How will they be when I have another appointment with a new doctor, one whom I haven't been able to figure out just yet?
These situations are where the rubber hits the road. Places where I have an opportunity to spread awareness or fear. Places where I can use my experience for good, or I can hide.
And so with this blog I am going to try to be brave one more time this week than I might otherwise. I am going to talk about mental health awareness week. I am going to see if I can do one small thing differently than I have before. I encourage you to do the same.
http://championsforcommunitywellness.com/2015/05/01/blog4mh-round-up-week-one-gets-started/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)