It's New Years Eve. It's the time of year when everyone seems to reflect on the year that was and so I will so the same. 2011 was one of great challenge for me. Right at the end of 2010 I had my diagnosis of depression. This totally freaked me out, but somehow I managed to start on the medications I needed to help me get better.
Last New Years Eve I spent with my parents. Mainly because they were two only the only people I could handle being around. I was struggling so much. The thought of being around strangers was impossible. Even the thought of being around friends was nearly unthinkable. My parents on the other hand was doable. We were also waiting for news as my sister was in the hospital on labour-inducing drugs so we were waiting for my nephew to make his way into the world. It is much better to be waiting for that kind of news with others who are waiting as well. (For the record my nephew arrived the next morning).
Throughout the year I have worked very hard at learning to live with depression. I have also faced so many of the causes of it, or as I sometimes put it, faced many of my demons. Faced many of the things that were causing me hurt and pain and well depression, or at least contributing to it. This process sucked quite frankly. It caused me to feel hurt, sorrow, sadness, angry, regret, pain. It made me shed many tears, swear a lot and sometimes wonder if it was worth it. It made me look inside myself and let go of so many things I had been carrying around. Even now, looking back on the process, I am close to tears. So often in the moment it didn't feel worth it.
Slowly, as things started to get better I was able to see my life in a different light. Anti-depressant medication certainly helps. Depression causes a vicious circle. It makes it hard to problem-solve, which makes it hard to see things in a reasonable light, which makes the depression worse, etc... The medication serves to stop the cycle by stopping the depression. It allowed me to start to use the logical side of my brain again. It allowed me to see solutions, to see what was causing me to feel like I was, to know that things would get better.
I also experienced other things this year that I haven't experienced in a really long time. Peace, calm, joy, happiness, connectedness. While so many of my actions were meant to protect me from pain, they also cut off emotions in general. Feeling the good emotions is part of the package of feeling the bad ones.
Where am I now? Today I feel good. It amazes me that I can even say that. I'm not scared of it anymore. I don't feel like I am tempting the fates to say that. I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. So much of this is that for me, feeling good is more about being connected to myself. Knowing how I feel, recognizing my value and asking for my needs to be met. It means feeling my emotions, being open to joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness. And so I say I feel good. I have days where things are all good, I have things where things are all bad and some that are in between. But, and this is a big but, I am no longer numb. I am valuable because I am me and I am learning to act this way. I am alive and living instead of existing.
What does 2012 bring? I am not all the way better. I know that I still have moments when the depression and anxiety take over. I know there are still things I need to deal with and sort through to really know myself. I have faith that I can do this. I will continue to take the world one day at a time. I have faith that I will continue on my path of healing. I have faith that I will continue to feel good.
Saturday 31 December 2011
Tuesday 27 December 2011
This year I didn't hate Christmas
For many, many years now I have hated Christmas. I am bad at figuring out what presents to get for people and it always seemed stressful. I always felt pressure to get the right gifts, with the "right" wrapping, send cards, go to all the parties, decorate, etc... I also always thought that if I didn't feel that "magical" Christmas feeling then somehow I failed. Nearly every year for the last few I have had a major build-up of anxiety and panic attacks leading to Christmas. No wonder I hated it.
This year I let myself be. Gifts were what they were. Wrapping was what it was. I went to a couple of events and not to a couple of events. I didn't worry about not decorating. Ultimately I did what was good for me. It made Christmas way more fun for me. I didn't feel that "magical" feeling and that's ok. I didn't have a panic attack either so progress. In the end I was myself and that made all the difference.
Maybe in the future I will feel like decorating, you never know. Maybe some year I'll feel the feeling again, I can hope. These things are not crucial. No one dies if I don't do it. If other people don't like it, well that is really their problem and not mine to solve.
This year I let myself be. Gifts were what they were. Wrapping was what it was. I went to a couple of events and not to a couple of events. I didn't worry about not decorating. Ultimately I did what was good for me. It made Christmas way more fun for me. I didn't feel that "magical" feeling and that's ok. I didn't have a panic attack either so progress. In the end I was myself and that made all the difference.
Maybe in the future I will feel like decorating, you never know. Maybe some year I'll feel the feeling again, I can hope. These things are not crucial. No one dies if I don't do it. If other people don't like it, well that is really their problem and not mine to solve.
Monday 26 December 2011
Creativity
This Christmas I made part of the presents for a few people. Some silly craft-like bits. Some of them turned out better than others. For example I tried to make something that looked like a football for my dad, not such a big success. My mum's silly jigsaw worked out pretty well though.
In the end, it was the creative process that was good fun. Thinking up the ideas, planning and putting those plans to work was a good time. And a good sign. I used to like to make things, be creative. When the depression got so bad I had no desire or drive to do any of it. I really didn't even feel the creative juices flowing at all. They are still flowing a bit like molasses, but at least they are starting to move. For me creativity is an important part of feeling good about my life. I am thankful that, that process is starting to come back.
In the end, it was the creative process that was good fun. Thinking up the ideas, planning and putting those plans to work was a good time. And a good sign. I used to like to make things, be creative. When the depression got so bad I had no desire or drive to do any of it. I really didn't even feel the creative juices flowing at all. They are still flowing a bit like molasses, but at least they are starting to move. For me creativity is an important part of feeling good about my life. I am thankful that, that process is starting to come back.
Wednesday 21 December 2011
Good sign
I went for lunch with my team at work this afternoon. It was a lovely afternoon. I work with good people. While I was there I noticed a big difference in the way I was acting to what would have, at one time, been normal for me. Usually at those kinds events I was almost manic, the "life" of the party, and in a lot of ways vying for attention. Or, the other option was to be quiet and totally checked out, grumpy, depressed etc...
Today I was totally connected, totally present, but quiet for the most part. I participated some, but in an attention seeking way. I laughed when it was funny and really was aware of what was going on. I liked the feeling. I really am not the "life of the party" type underneath it all. I also like to be checked in. It felt, in a lot of ways, like me. Really me. These types of statements still give me a whoa kind of feeling as I am still having trouble internalizing it all.
Today I was totally connected, totally present, but quiet for the most part. I participated some, but in an attention seeking way. I laughed when it was funny and really was aware of what was going on. I liked the feeling. I really am not the "life of the party" type underneath it all. I also like to be checked in. It felt, in a lot of ways, like me. Really me. These types of statements still give me a whoa kind of feeling as I am still having trouble internalizing it all.
Sunday 18 December 2011
Thoughts on Christmas
Yesterday my family had an early Christmas party. I was in my parents house thinking how different the day was from last year. Last year it was all I could do to get out of bed, I was on sick leave from work and had just started on the anti-depressants (which made me feel awful). My brother-in-law and dad kicked all the women out of the kitchen as my mum had a cast on her foot and my sister was 9+ months pregnant. I was barely coping, barely going, barely functioning, really barely alive. For the week after that I slept at least 14 hours a day.
Yesterday I kicked my mum out of the kitchen at one point. I felt engaged and connected to the people around me that I care so much about. I felt alive. I loved watching my nephew try to sort out what it all meant. I loved feeling a part of my family. I was happy and a part of everything. Such an amazing place to be.
These contrasts are good for me to remember because when I have bad days now, I can see how far I've come. I remember what it was like then, and I see how things are now. It's still amazing to me that things can be as they are now.
Yesterday I kicked my mum out of the kitchen at one point. I felt engaged and connected to the people around me that I care so much about. I felt alive. I loved watching my nephew try to sort out what it all meant. I loved feeling a part of my family. I was happy and a part of everything. Such an amazing place to be.
These contrasts are good for me to remember because when I have bad days now, I can see how far I've come. I remember what it was like then, and I see how things are now. It's still amazing to me that things can be as they are now.
Thursday 15 December 2011
I didn't go to my Xmas party
I didn't go to my work Christmas party this afternoon. In the past I would have been the first one to buy a ticket. Today I didn't feel like going. The truth is that I don't really enjoy those kinds of activities all that much. Why did I always go then you may ask. I was hiding from so many things. I was so depressed, but of course no one would suspect it of the life of the party. I had so much pain inside, but that is easy to ignore when you are busy being chipper and happy. At least you can do this for awhile. I didn't want people to know how much I hurt, how depressed I was. Frankly I didn't want to admit it to myself. So I found ways to hide, ways to be the opposite of how I really was, so I could lie to myself and convince myself I was fine. Today I didn't go to the party, and for me this was a success. I am tired of hiding.
An anniversary of sorts
One year ago today I made the grueling decision to ask my doctor for anti-depressant medication. My counsellor had suggested it the day before and just the thought of it nearly did me in. It's funny, that decision had to be made when I was least able to make it. One year ago I never would have believed that there was beauty, happiness, joy, peace or love in the world. I was numb to feelings, unable to cope with my world, not really eating, barely surviving every day. It's been a year of pain, hurt, anger, tears, joy, happiness, peace and most of all rediscovering love. I'm truly amazed at how different my world is today compared to one year ago.
Some one told me that she wouldn't wish depression on anyhow, but she was glad she went through it because she came out the other side loving herself. My counsellor told me that one day I would be writing about being happy on this blog. Truthfully I didn't believe either one of them. I had no frame of reference to believe that things could get better. And everything seemed so hard. But they were both right. I find myself doing things that show myself love and for the most part I am happy. This is mind-blowing for me, truly hard to wrap my head around. It's been one year since I decided to really get help, to really admit that I had depression and anxiety, and to finally start on a journey that allows me to be in the world. I feel alive these days. Some days are hard, some are easy, but I am connected to my life. I feel happy, sad, nervous, calm etc... I am grateful that someone pushed me to get the help I needed, even if it was brutal at the time.
Some one told me that she wouldn't wish depression on anyhow, but she was glad she went through it because she came out the other side loving herself. My counsellor told me that one day I would be writing about being happy on this blog. Truthfully I didn't believe either one of them. I had no frame of reference to believe that things could get better. And everything seemed so hard. But they were both right. I find myself doing things that show myself love and for the most part I am happy. This is mind-blowing for me, truly hard to wrap my head around. It's been one year since I decided to really get help, to really admit that I had depression and anxiety, and to finally start on a journey that allows me to be in the world. I feel alive these days. Some days are hard, some are easy, but I am connected to my life. I feel happy, sad, nervous, calm etc... I am grateful that someone pushed me to get the help I needed, even if it was brutal at the time.
Wednesday 14 December 2011
Good People
I have some good people in my life. I am starting to be able to appreciate them more and more as time goes on and as I get better. People who have supported me even when I have been difficult to be around. People who inspire me, have taught me, share with me, make me laugh, cry with me, celebrate with me, accept me for who I am etc... For so long I really couldn't see past the end of my nose. Everything seemed hard and dramatic and everything was some one else's fault. Negativity was also a mainstay in my world. I know now that these are symptoms of depression.
I now can see people for who they are and really start to appreciate the good things about them, instead of always seeing the negative things. I smile when I think of their jokes, I smile when I think of the amazing company they are, I smile when I remember how supportive they have been. I hurt when they hurt, I laugh when they laugh. I am blessed by so many people in my life and the newfound ability to see and appreciate this.
I now can see people for who they are and really start to appreciate the good things about them, instead of always seeing the negative things. I smile when I think of their jokes, I smile when I think of the amazing company they are, I smile when I remember how supportive they have been. I hurt when they hurt, I laugh when they laugh. I am blessed by so many people in my life and the newfound ability to see and appreciate this.
Monday 12 December 2011
Not needing approvals
There have been some hard things happen in my life of late. Things that require grace, respect and assertiveness on my part. Things that it seems other people don't want to accept, handle or understand. Things that in the end I know I am right about, no matter what other people want to do with it. I've been feeling out of sorts and my self-confidence has been pretty shot because of other peoples reactions of late. I've been telling myself over and over again that, that is their stuff and I am not responsible for it. But, I am struggling still with that. While I perhaps know this on some level, I am still struggling to really internalize it.
I like approval, I like people to agree, or to get what I am trying to say. When they don't, I take it personally, even when I know that I did my best and did the right thing. Guess this is a lesson for me to work on. It's really hard though. It's a habit with me. And for so long I believed that other peoples approval was all that mattered. My own thoughts on things were irrelevant. I'm starting to this isn't true, but when it comes to hard things where I really have to take a stand, I still end up feeling pretty crappy in the end.
I like approval, I like people to agree, or to get what I am trying to say. When they don't, I take it personally, even when I know that I did my best and did the right thing. Guess this is a lesson for me to work on. It's really hard though. It's a habit with me. And for so long I believed that other peoples approval was all that mattered. My own thoughts on things were irrelevant. I'm starting to this isn't true, but when it comes to hard things where I really have to take a stand, I still end up feeling pretty crappy in the end.
Friday 9 December 2011
Who am I?
There are moments lately when I say or do or decide something and the next thought I have is who am I? I am off to a dinner tomorrow with an optional gift exchange. I decided not to participate because I don't love those exchanges. This is only one example. Really, underlying it is that I pay attention to me and make decisions based on what I want, not what I think other people expect. I hardly recognize this person who does these things.
This is such a change for me. I suspect for a lot of people though this is how they live. It is certainly a nicer way to live. I used to resent it when I would do things because I felt obligated to do them. It really felt like other people were controlling my life. I am learning that, that is a choice. I can choose to let them, or I can take charge of my life. Mostly it's not as dramatic as that makes it sound. But it does mean less stress as I don't worry about some of the little things. If I had to go out tonight and get a gift and figure how to wrap it etc etc I would be feeling a lot of stress right now as those are things I don't enjoy. Instead I am relaxed and I will enjoy the gift exchange from the sidelines and be totally ok with that.
As I get better from the depression I often wonder if this is what it is like to live without depression. I have no concept really of what living recovered from this disorder means. What I do know is that I like my life and myself a lot better now than I have probably ever, or at least for a very very long time.
This is such a change for me. I suspect for a lot of people though this is how they live. It is certainly a nicer way to live. I used to resent it when I would do things because I felt obligated to do them. It really felt like other people were controlling my life. I am learning that, that is a choice. I can choose to let them, or I can take charge of my life. Mostly it's not as dramatic as that makes it sound. But it does mean less stress as I don't worry about some of the little things. If I had to go out tonight and get a gift and figure how to wrap it etc etc I would be feeling a lot of stress right now as those are things I don't enjoy. Instead I am relaxed and I will enjoy the gift exchange from the sidelines and be totally ok with that.
As I get better from the depression I often wonder if this is what it is like to live without depression. I have no concept really of what living recovered from this disorder means. What I do know is that I like my life and myself a lot better now than I have probably ever, or at least for a very very long time.
Tuesday 6 December 2011
Being beautiful
Today I have been feeling rather out of sorts. The past week has been stressful and I haven't taken the time to stop and figure out how I feel and what I think about the whole thing, and my actions as part of it. When I did, I was actually spurred me onto a whole different topic. Apparently my brain works in mysterious ways.
For a lot of my life I judged my value on my accomplishments. First it was school and then when that was over it was work. It turns out, that for me, this is not a very good foundation for believing I have value and deserve good things in life. It also was a bad way to look at things when my previous job didn't turn out all that well. I couldn't find any value in me. Not believing I had any value definitely contributed the depression.
Today I did some personal writing about how I see myself and how I want to see myself and I will share the flavour with you. I wrote about how I am beautiful and perfect the way I am. Who I am is so much more important than what I accomplish. To me how I treat people, how I interact in the world is what I see as important. And ultimately I am me and this is exactly what matters. I deserve love, respect, caring etc... because of that and really there doesn't need to be anything else. I will make mistakes, I will do beautiful things, I will bring joy and I will bring sadness. This is the nature of being human. All of these things make up me and I am beautiful.
For a lot of my life I judged my value on my accomplishments. First it was school and then when that was over it was work. It turns out, that for me, this is not a very good foundation for believing I have value and deserve good things in life. It also was a bad way to look at things when my previous job didn't turn out all that well. I couldn't find any value in me. Not believing I had any value definitely contributed the depression.
Today I did some personal writing about how I see myself and how I want to see myself and I will share the flavour with you. I wrote about how I am beautiful and perfect the way I am. Who I am is so much more important than what I accomplish. To me how I treat people, how I interact in the world is what I see as important. And ultimately I am me and this is exactly what matters. I deserve love, respect, caring etc... because of that and really there doesn't need to be anything else. I will make mistakes, I will do beautiful things, I will bring joy and I will bring sadness. This is the nature of being human. All of these things make up me and I am beautiful.
Monday 5 December 2011
A mood
Funny how things can affect you when you don't even notice. I was out to play dodgeball tonight and noticed how very aggressive I was feeling. Before the game, lots of swearing which is not my usual style. And during the game I was very aggressive, well for me anyhow. The events of the last week are still having an effect on me I see. However, dodgeball is a great place to get out some difficult emotion and some aggression as the whole point of the game is to throw things at other people. Hopefully now that things are getting sorted out at work I can process the whole experience and feel more settled again.
Sunday 4 December 2011
Positive effects
I have had the privilege in the last while of seeing what effect this blog, and the changes in me are having on other people. I have been getting to know a new friend of late. She also lives with depression and is lesbian. Because I had been open about these two things, and shared this blog with her, we have had some amazing discussions. Honest, frank and mutually supportive. I am grateful to have been a part of them. I believe it is helping her, and it sure is good for me. I am able to discuss some of the things I have learned and see her perspective and take some of her lessons into my life.
The other concrete example is with my dad (sorry if this is a surprise to you dad). We have not always been very good at communicating with each other in a constructive manner. I know I had unfair expectations of him, and we didn't really know each other very well. I really can see this is changing. I am learning to take him for who he is and as I do this, I appreciate him more and more. Yesterday we had a conversation that, to me, was good. And my observation is that it really had a lot to do with knowing each other better. I have been more open with my struggles and I believe that understanding is helping him and me both really communicate. (As I write this I am feeling the tears of gratitude starting). I have always felt that there was better way for us to be around each other and it seems like we are starting to get to this place.
People have said to me that my willingness to be brave and share my story has helped them be braver. I am glad for this. The other thing I really notice is that by being more engaged in my life people react differently to me. Sometimes this is hard. Some of my relationships with people are built on mutual unhappiness, or a desire to hide our real selves. With these people, things are harder. With other people where the foundation is a good place (even when it was long ago) I am finding my relationships getting stronger as I am more able to share of myself and often that allows the other person to share also.
The other concrete example is with my dad (sorry if this is a surprise to you dad). We have not always been very good at communicating with each other in a constructive manner. I know I had unfair expectations of him, and we didn't really know each other very well. I really can see this is changing. I am learning to take him for who he is and as I do this, I appreciate him more and more. Yesterday we had a conversation that, to me, was good. And my observation is that it really had a lot to do with knowing each other better. I have been more open with my struggles and I believe that understanding is helping him and me both really communicate. (As I write this I am feeling the tears of gratitude starting). I have always felt that there was better way for us to be around each other and it seems like we are starting to get to this place.
People have said to me that my willingness to be brave and share my story has helped them be braver. I am glad for this. The other thing I really notice is that by being more engaged in my life people react differently to me. Sometimes this is hard. Some of my relationships with people are built on mutual unhappiness, or a desire to hide our real selves. With these people, things are harder. With other people where the foundation is a good place (even when it was long ago) I am finding my relationships getting stronger as I am more able to share of myself and often that allows the other person to share also.
Friday 2 December 2011
How it feels
I stood up for myself big time this week. I can't tell you yet how the story ends as it is still evolving, but suffice to say that things are going to be ok. I can however tell you it felt for me to do this.
So, any of you who have read most of this blog, you will know that so much of what has been problematic for me has been not being able to stand up for myself. Not feeling like I was worthy enough to say no when things were not good. And letting other people treat me really badly. As you will have guessed from the last couple of blogs someone tried it again with me this week. I stood up and said no. This is not right.
Even writing this blog I am getting really emotional about having done that. It was so difficult for me. It took everything I had in me to do this. And I'm still recovering from the shock of the whole thing. Things have been better for me of late, but I hadn't had to do anything this tough. I'm in awe that I could do it and sad that it was so hard. The thing is that I know without a doubt it was the right thing to do for me and I am totally willing to take whatever consequences happen. My intuition was telling me to go a certain way, and I did. In the short-term this is hard for me to handle and process and deal with. I know that in the long-term it will pay off.
To me this is what it is like to really love myself. It's the little things I do everyday, but it is also doing something big and hard and something that some people probably won't think is the right thing to do. But, the bottom line is that I am only responsible to me. I have/had to do the right thing for me. Ok, I'm in tears now. Must stop. Tears of so much emotion. Fear, love, awe, sadness etc...
So, any of you who have read most of this blog, you will know that so much of what has been problematic for me has been not being able to stand up for myself. Not feeling like I was worthy enough to say no when things were not good. And letting other people treat me really badly. As you will have guessed from the last couple of blogs someone tried it again with me this week. I stood up and said no. This is not right.
Even writing this blog I am getting really emotional about having done that. It was so difficult for me. It took everything I had in me to do this. And I'm still recovering from the shock of the whole thing. Things have been better for me of late, but I hadn't had to do anything this tough. I'm in awe that I could do it and sad that it was so hard. The thing is that I know without a doubt it was the right thing to do for me and I am totally willing to take whatever consequences happen. My intuition was telling me to go a certain way, and I did. In the short-term this is hard for me to handle and process and deal with. I know that in the long-term it will pay off.
To me this is what it is like to really love myself. It's the little things I do everyday, but it is also doing something big and hard and something that some people probably won't think is the right thing to do. But, the bottom line is that I am only responsible to me. I have/had to do the right thing for me. Ok, I'm in tears now. Must stop. Tears of so much emotion. Fear, love, awe, sadness etc...
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Checking in
I took some time today to look at what the cause of the major anxiety I've been feeling of late is. I found a few things there... The first is that the incident at work yesterday has been building for awhile. I can see now that I've been feeling uneasy about the person for some time now, well since this project started, and this has been showing up as anxiety. Just this realization by itself makes me feel a lot calmer. Anxiety for me is really an indication that something isn't right in my world somehow.
The other major thing I found is that I still have a high tolerance for anxiety, meaning that I can ignore it for a long time. Getting to the point I was on Monday where it threatens to be full-on panic doesn't happen all at once. It builds up over time. As I ignore it, it gets worse. This can be said of other emotions as well. I am getting better at seeing myself, paying attention to what I feel and knowing what I want. But, I still have an ability to avoid it for quite some mine. For me this needs I need to check-in with myself more often. This is a hard thing to think about.
I need to look at what is going on with me more intentionally. I suspect that the more I do this intentionally, the easier and more natural it will become. For now, discipline. Anyone want to help me with this?
The other major thing I found is that I still have a high tolerance for anxiety, meaning that I can ignore it for a long time. Getting to the point I was on Monday where it threatens to be full-on panic doesn't happen all at once. It builds up over time. As I ignore it, it gets worse. This can be said of other emotions as well. I am getting better at seeing myself, paying attention to what I feel and knowing what I want. But, I still have an ability to avoid it for quite some mine. For me this needs I need to check-in with myself more often. This is a hard thing to think about.
I need to look at what is going on with me more intentionally. I suspect that the more I do this intentionally, the easier and more natural it will become. For now, discipline. Anyone want to help me with this?
Tuesday 29 November 2011
A big test
Today was a bad day. It started out with some anxiety hang-over from yesterday. I woke up and thought I should roll over and stay in bed. But, I had a presentation to give today at work so I got up and went. And then it got worse. And incident happened with a co-worker that ended up with me crying I was so upset. Upset at feeling blamed for what I views as either a miscommunication or the co-workers mistake. Upset because my co-worker wouldn't stop. Upset because I'm pretty sure that he/she already had come to a conclusion and it didn't matter what I was going to say or do, that conclusion wasn't going to change.
And yet, on some level I feel proud of myself. I stood up for myself and told this person that their assumptions were incorrect. I stood up and said it was unfair to blame me for the situation and I was doing exactly what I thought was appropriate in the situation, and the same thing I have done many times before in the same situation. I didn't let the person push me around. I didn't take the crap and internalize it. I still firmly believe that I didn't do anything wrong and there was absolutely no reason for the reaction.
There have been many times in my life where people have done this to me and for a lot of those times I just took it. I took the blame and internalized it, and then put on the face that nothing was wrong. This only gave those people permission to keep going and keep doing it. It also allowed them to start to believe that I should be blamed for things, even when that was unfair.
In this situation, as hard as it is, I am doing things differently. I stood up for myself. Frankly even crying, as much as I hated doing it at work, showed the person that they had upset me and their actions were not ok. I also talked to a co-worker and my boss about what to do, instead of just taking it and walking away. These things are positive signs for me. In fact, the mere fact that I was crying is a good sign. I was letting myself feel something. I was letting myself react to the situation, I was letting myself be connected to my life. I think my reaction was at the appropriate level for what happened and a normal reaction to the situation. As much as it sucked and was hard, it is progress.
This story is not over. I am not sure how it will play out, but I refuse to put up with this this time. I like my job and I will not let this person screw that up for me.
And yet, on some level I feel proud of myself. I stood up for myself and told this person that their assumptions were incorrect. I stood up and said it was unfair to blame me for the situation and I was doing exactly what I thought was appropriate in the situation, and the same thing I have done many times before in the same situation. I didn't let the person push me around. I didn't take the crap and internalize it. I still firmly believe that I didn't do anything wrong and there was absolutely no reason for the reaction.
There have been many times in my life where people have done this to me and for a lot of those times I just took it. I took the blame and internalized it, and then put on the face that nothing was wrong. This only gave those people permission to keep going and keep doing it. It also allowed them to start to believe that I should be blamed for things, even when that was unfair.
In this situation, as hard as it is, I am doing things differently. I stood up for myself. Frankly even crying, as much as I hated doing it at work, showed the person that they had upset me and their actions were not ok. I also talked to a co-worker and my boss about what to do, instead of just taking it and walking away. These things are positive signs for me. In fact, the mere fact that I was crying is a good sign. I was letting myself feel something. I was letting myself react to the situation, I was letting myself be connected to my life. I think my reaction was at the appropriate level for what happened and a normal reaction to the situation. As much as it sucked and was hard, it is progress.
This story is not over. I am not sure how it will play out, but I refuse to put up with this this time. I like my job and I will not let this person screw that up for me.
Monday 28 November 2011
Anxiety rising
I feel the anxiety rising today. I am irritable and my mind won't stop spinning in circles. This could easily be the precursor to a full on panic attack. I am not too sure what is causing this. Not every day is good. Sometimes there are what feel like set-backs. Today feels like one of those days. I am working on keeping the panic at bay, I hope I will succeed.
Sunday 27 November 2011
Reconnecting with rational
I've been having some very honest and frank email discussions with a friend lately. It's interesting that through that process I can see that some part of me is able to be rational. Or at least I can see that rational side of things and I can use that part of my brain during these conversation. I am still pretty emotional about a lot of things, but these are things that were sad or hurtful. I think this is a natural reaction. But, on the other side of things I can say things like "sharing our stories is an important part of life, I believe it makes us less lonely and better able to cope with the hard things." A year ago, even 3 months ago, I'm not sure I would have been able to get there.
In the middle of depression that was one of the hardest things for me, the inability to see anything rationally. I'm smart and I like to think things through and see what is rational, what makes sense, and what all the sides of a story are. I guess for a long time I was pretty willing to ignore my side as invaluable now that I think about it. For me, being able to see at least some things in a rational light is a big sign of doing better. I also find though that I am more likely to credit my story than I ever used to me.
Writing this blog has made me feel very sad. Sad that I used the thing I like to do, explore different sides of an issue, to add to feeling like crap (by ignoring me). I'm sad for what this says about how I felt about myself. I'm sad because, while I feel better, I'm not so confident in that and I really hope that I don't go back to that place of thinking that I don't matter.
In the middle of depression that was one of the hardest things for me, the inability to see anything rationally. I'm smart and I like to think things through and see what is rational, what makes sense, and what all the sides of a story are. I guess for a long time I was pretty willing to ignore my side as invaluable now that I think about it. For me, being able to see at least some things in a rational light is a big sign of doing better. I also find though that I am more likely to credit my story than I ever used to me.
Writing this blog has made me feel very sad. Sad that I used the thing I like to do, explore different sides of an issue, to add to feeling like crap (by ignoring me). I'm sad for what this says about how I felt about myself. I'm sad because, while I feel better, I'm not so confident in that and I really hope that I don't go back to that place of thinking that I don't matter.
Friday 25 November 2011
A crush
I found myself completely attracted to a woman this week. The situation is impossible, start with she's straight and add a bunch more complications. I know though, that under the right circumstances, I would have hit on her. And yet, I feel good about the whole thing.
It's been a long time since I dated anyone. And, in so many ways, I put that part of me away completely. No risk, no hurt right? Maybe, but no risk also means being lonely. I see the fact that I felt that much attraction as a good sign. It means that I am slowly embracing that side of myself again. Only now it is different. I am not trying to force myself to be attracted to men. I let what is totally natural to me be on the surface. I let myself find this woman amazingly beautiful and attractive. I really felt something stir inside.
I feel very unsure of myself when it comes to dating women because I never have. On the flip side I also know it is so much more of a natural thing for me. I'm glad to have seen and met this woman. It has helped me to start to think about a different side of me again.
It's been a long time since I dated anyone. And, in so many ways, I put that part of me away completely. No risk, no hurt right? Maybe, but no risk also means being lonely. I see the fact that I felt that much attraction as a good sign. It means that I am slowly embracing that side of myself again. Only now it is different. I am not trying to force myself to be attracted to men. I let what is totally natural to me be on the surface. I let myself find this woman amazingly beautiful and attractive. I really felt something stir inside.
I feel very unsure of myself when it comes to dating women because I never have. On the flip side I also know it is so much more of a natural thing for me. I'm glad to have seen and met this woman. It has helped me to start to think about a different side of me again.
Wednesday 23 November 2011
The simplest things
I have been noticing of late things that are signals of change for me. Cleaning my kitchen, cleaning my bathroom, working out, basically doing. So many of these things probably seem small to many people, and likely are things they take for granted. But for me the mere fact that I am doing things, no matter how small, is new. Depression sucked me dry of all energy and desire to do things. So often I would come home and sit on the couch all night. I couldn't make myself do the simplest things. Doing nothing was all I had in me. Cleaning up seemed overwhelming, really doing anything seemed overwhelming.
I do not take these things for granted, at least for now. I cherish the fact that I am getting bored by sitting around doing nothing. This is a new feeling for me and one that is a good sign. I am really still in awe of how things feel for me and how much things still keep changing. It makes me realize how bad things were and makes me grateful for the changes as they come along.
I do not take these things for granted, at least for now. I cherish the fact that I am getting bored by sitting around doing nothing. This is a new feeling for me and one that is a good sign. I am really still in awe of how things feel for me and how much things still keep changing. It makes me realize how bad things were and makes me grateful for the changes as they come along.
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Fear
Fear is powerful and has an amazing impact on behaviour. I was talking to my boss today about some challenges I have been having at work and I realized that the problem was actually me reacting out of fear, not reacting to what was in front of me. The fear is explainable and reasonable as it is based in some past similar experiences where I was hurt and "punished" for acting a certain way. But, the fear is not based on this situation.
Acting out of fear makes me take the most conservative approach. It also makes me move back into my shell and hide myself because I am scared of what might happen. This makes others react a certain way to me. When I think about this situation I can see that I have been doing this and the reactions I have been getting are also explainable.
Amazing though what recognizing what is really going on can do. I am not able to strategize better about how I will handle the situation. I can also think about what an appropriate reaction to the current circumstances are, instead of relying on some instinctual reaction that is not necessarily that healthy. I am sure this is not the last time I am going to face this situation as I have been in a number of bad situations. But, I am working hard not to let fear run my life. Some days it actually works.
Acting out of fear makes me take the most conservative approach. It also makes me move back into my shell and hide myself because I am scared of what might happen. This makes others react a certain way to me. When I think about this situation I can see that I have been doing this and the reactions I have been getting are also explainable.
Amazing though what recognizing what is really going on can do. I am not able to strategize better about how I will handle the situation. I can also think about what an appropriate reaction to the current circumstances are, instead of relying on some instinctual reaction that is not necessarily that healthy. I am sure this is not the last time I am going to face this situation as I have been in a number of bad situations. But, I am working hard not to let fear run my life. Some days it actually works.
Sunday 20 November 2011
Religion, Hiding and Disbelieving
As often happens with me of late, I have been reflecting on my life. I starting thinking about my relationship with religion. Some of you will know that I was really involved in the Anglican church for a number of years of my adult life. I first started going, when I moved to Edmonton, because there was something about it that totally appealed to me. I really had a sense that there was something there for me. I enjoyed the singing, I enjoyed the worship and I enjoyed a quiet place to be. I really believed, I really had faith, or at least I thought so at the time.
For a number of years this really worked for me. And then things started to fall apart. It started slowly. Finding a few Sundays when I really didn't want to be at church. Feeling more and more dissatisfied with the fact that everyone was totally "fine" on Sunday mornings, especially when I was starting to not be fine at all. I got involved in the management of the parish I was at in probably two of the most challenging years they have had in a long time and I got more disillusioned. I tried changing parishes and that didn't work either. Every week I felt more and more like a hypocrite just being at church at all.
Now while all of this was happening my life was unravelling on many fronts. I am convinced I had the depression before all of this, but it was definitely getting worse. There didn't seem to be anything I could do to make things better. So, I left. I so desperately needed support and I felt like church should be a place I could get it, and yet, I wasn't able to tell anyone how much I needed them. I couldn't stand the disconnected feeling, so I left.
In hindsight, my relationship with church is complicated, but what isn't ? On the one hand I found it all very appealing. On the other hand I was running from some major things in my life. Some major hurts and being gay. Really church seems like the perfect place to hide. For the most part people assume that if you are a member of the church, you are not gay, so I didn't have to deal with that. There were no questions, including from me. Hiding what is going on is also easier than you might think. The truth is that for the most part people don't share hurts in life and church is no different. On some level I knew they were there, but I wanted to forget, to ignore and not deal. Avoidance 101. So, I hid.
What do I think now? I can see that so much of the disconnect was me. People at the 2nd parish didn't know me very well, so how on earth could they have known how much I was hurting, how much I was floundering? Even at the 1st parish I didn't really ever share or "fess up" do what was going on with me. Truthfully I didn't really know myself. I have no hard feelings, no blame, no nothing. Just truth for some understanding.
And on faith? I can't be part of something that continually tells me how horrible I am. And that is how I felt about Christianity. I don't believe that and so it is hypocritical for me to be there. Do I believe in the whole story of Jesus? Truthfully no. Do I believe that love is what matters in life? Yes. Do I believe that all people have value and something beautiful about them (even though is it sometimes hard to see)? Yes.
Where does this leave me? It leaves me in a place where I believe in love, in relationship, in connection. It leaves me in a place where I could believe in God, and sometimes find myself praying. It also leaves me in a place where my traditional answers to all of this don't work. I don't believe in Christianity. This is hard for me as it was so much a part of my life. But it is the truth.
For a number of years this really worked for me. And then things started to fall apart. It started slowly. Finding a few Sundays when I really didn't want to be at church. Feeling more and more dissatisfied with the fact that everyone was totally "fine" on Sunday mornings, especially when I was starting to not be fine at all. I got involved in the management of the parish I was at in probably two of the most challenging years they have had in a long time and I got more disillusioned. I tried changing parishes and that didn't work either. Every week I felt more and more like a hypocrite just being at church at all.
Now while all of this was happening my life was unravelling on many fronts. I am convinced I had the depression before all of this, but it was definitely getting worse. There didn't seem to be anything I could do to make things better. So, I left. I so desperately needed support and I felt like church should be a place I could get it, and yet, I wasn't able to tell anyone how much I needed them. I couldn't stand the disconnected feeling, so I left.
In hindsight, my relationship with church is complicated, but what isn't ? On the one hand I found it all very appealing. On the other hand I was running from some major things in my life. Some major hurts and being gay. Really church seems like the perfect place to hide. For the most part people assume that if you are a member of the church, you are not gay, so I didn't have to deal with that. There were no questions, including from me. Hiding what is going on is also easier than you might think. The truth is that for the most part people don't share hurts in life and church is no different. On some level I knew they were there, but I wanted to forget, to ignore and not deal. Avoidance 101. So, I hid.
What do I think now? I can see that so much of the disconnect was me. People at the 2nd parish didn't know me very well, so how on earth could they have known how much I was hurting, how much I was floundering? Even at the 1st parish I didn't really ever share or "fess up" do what was going on with me. Truthfully I didn't really know myself. I have no hard feelings, no blame, no nothing. Just truth for some understanding.
And on faith? I can't be part of something that continually tells me how horrible I am. And that is how I felt about Christianity. I don't believe that and so it is hypocritical for me to be there. Do I believe in the whole story of Jesus? Truthfully no. Do I believe that love is what matters in life? Yes. Do I believe that all people have value and something beautiful about them (even though is it sometimes hard to see)? Yes.
Where does this leave me? It leaves me in a place where I believe in love, in relationship, in connection. It leaves me in a place where I could believe in God, and sometimes find myself praying. It also leaves me in a place where my traditional answers to all of this don't work. I don't believe in Christianity. This is hard for me as it was so much a part of my life. But it is the truth.
Saturday 19 November 2011
It's never too late
This article from the Globe and Mail made me think about my own life and it reminds me a lot of it. Education was just the way to go and another goal to tick off for me. It's not that I regret it at all and some of it has provided a lot of open doors for me, but I am now considering what it is I really want to do with my life, what really matters to me and how I live to honour that. We can't change the past, but it's never too late to shape our future. That is my work to do now.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/the-essay/i-gave-up-law-school-to-cycle-to-mexico/article2238544/
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/the-essay/i-gave-up-law-school-to-cycle-to-mexico/article2238544/
What have I been missing?
I was noticing this week that I am more and more ok with no knowing everything that is going on, not being in control so much. This thought though made me wonder what I have been giving up in order to be in control of everything, or at least try to be. What kind of experiences have I passed up because I didn't have the energy to take anything else in? What have I missed by being so focussed on surviving? I know that I can't change the past, but I hope by being different in the future I will see some of these open doors and be able to take them.
Friday 18 November 2011
Messages
I'm thinking tonight about how the messages we give ourselves and each other can have such a huge impact on our lives. For instance I stopped wanted to be a writer because of something my grade 8 language arts teacher said. Why did I believe her? Probably because I was 13 and hadn't yet figured out that adults don't always know what they are talking about. They make mistakes also.
Then I think about an ex-boyfriend who blamed me every time we would have a fight (which was pretty often for awhile) because I would be the first one to yell. Because of the head space I was in at the time, including depression, I believe his messages that I was the one who wasn't good enough. Forget the fact that he was a jerk to me for a whole evening and then I finally had enough and yelled. I think also of a work environment where they had me convinced that my inability to deal with stress was the problem. Nothing to do with the lack of respect shown for me or the micro-managing or the bullying...
Why did I believe them in both of these situations? Depression was a huge factor. My self-esteem was in the basement and I couldn't see past the survival mode I was in.
What's the point? I guess I have three. The first is to look below the surface of what you see with people. For me, so much of what was going on was either a cause or an effect of depression. I wasn't able to come to terms with it, but maybe if someone had pushed harder I might have faced it sooner? The second point is a lesson for all of us to watch the messages we give to people. They may have a bigger impact than we know. The third is that we need to be discerning about what we believe and don't believe about what other people tell us. Having the self-esteem and confidence to figure what fits and what doesn't fit is important and one of the hardest things I have had to learn. What I think matters above all to me. I can take what others say or I can reject it.
Then I think about an ex-boyfriend who blamed me every time we would have a fight (which was pretty often for awhile) because I would be the first one to yell. Because of the head space I was in at the time, including depression, I believe his messages that I was the one who wasn't good enough. Forget the fact that he was a jerk to me for a whole evening and then I finally had enough and yelled. I think also of a work environment where they had me convinced that my inability to deal with stress was the problem. Nothing to do with the lack of respect shown for me or the micro-managing or the bullying...
Why did I believe them in both of these situations? Depression was a huge factor. My self-esteem was in the basement and I couldn't see past the survival mode I was in.
What's the point? I guess I have three. The first is to look below the surface of what you see with people. For me, so much of what was going on was either a cause or an effect of depression. I wasn't able to come to terms with it, but maybe if someone had pushed harder I might have faced it sooner? The second point is a lesson for all of us to watch the messages we give to people. They may have a bigger impact than we know. The third is that we need to be discerning about what we believe and don't believe about what other people tell us. Having the self-esteem and confidence to figure what fits and what doesn't fit is important and one of the hardest things I have had to learn. What I think matters above all to me. I can take what others say or I can reject it.
Thursday 17 November 2011
Curiousity
I'm curious to know what effect my blog is having on other people. I know that it is probably the best thing I could have done for my own healing. It makes me think through things in a more coherent fashion and it uses the creative side of my brain.
How about you? Has my blog had an impact on your life? What is the impact? Any other thoughts you would like to share?
I would love it if you would share some thoughts with me. Feel free to post them anonymously if you like.
How about you? Has my blog had an impact on your life? What is the impact? Any other thoughts you would like to share?
I would love it if you would share some thoughts with me. Feel free to post them anonymously if you like.
Monday 14 November 2011
A day where things were clicking
I had a good day today. Everything clicked. I enjoyed the walk to work (despite not wearing quite enough clothes and being chilly). Once I got to work I had a nice chat with a co-worker. A co-worker and I put together a silly joke for another co-worker. We laughed when we were creating it, and he laughed pretty hard when we gave it to him. I successfully figured out how to approach a different co-worker who is driving me a bit nuts. The conversation with him went well and came to an outcome that I can live with for now.
A couple of things I realized about myself today. I am energized when I do things that are creative and fun and silly, like the joke. It is nice to do things like that and it uses a part of my brain that makes me happy. The creative side of my brain has been pretty quiet for a long time. The point is that it makes me happy to use that part of my brain. I need to be more intentional at figuring out what exactly I can do on this front. I'm not sure yet, but something to think about.
I also felt good for standing up and asking for my needs to be met with my co-worker. In the end, even if things don't work out in a way that I like, I asked for what I needed. And, I didn't feel any anxiety about doing it. Wow, that is such a great feeling. I really felt like I had a right to ask him to consider my side of it. I also talked to him before I got really annoyed and was able to calmly state what I wanted to say. I didn't apologize for my feelings or for asking him to consider things from a different angle. I am really not used to being able to do this. It's a very empowering feeling. And it's so nice to be able to deal with things that used to be so hard for me without it causing problems.
Days like today have been few and far between in my life. Today was good. No worry, no anxiety, only doing things that were good for me.
A couple of things I realized about myself today. I am energized when I do things that are creative and fun and silly, like the joke. It is nice to do things like that and it uses a part of my brain that makes me happy. The creative side of my brain has been pretty quiet for a long time. The point is that it makes me happy to use that part of my brain. I need to be more intentional at figuring out what exactly I can do on this front. I'm not sure yet, but something to think about.
I also felt good for standing up and asking for my needs to be met with my co-worker. In the end, even if things don't work out in a way that I like, I asked for what I needed. And, I didn't feel any anxiety about doing it. Wow, that is such a great feeling. I really felt like I had a right to ask him to consider my side of it. I also talked to him before I got really annoyed and was able to calmly state what I wanted to say. I didn't apologize for my feelings or for asking him to consider things from a different angle. I am really not used to being able to do this. It's a very empowering feeling. And it's so nice to be able to deal with things that used to be so hard for me without it causing problems.
Days like today have been few and far between in my life. Today was good. No worry, no anxiety, only doing things that were good for me.
Sunday 13 November 2011
Not in control anymore
For so long in my life I have felt the need to be on top of things all the time. Don't make mistakes, don't forget things, know everything that is going on. Lately I have noticed myself relaxing a lot on that. It means knowing that I don't have to know everything, I don't have to be on top of everything all the time. It is nice actually.
The thing is, the world doesn't end. I find myself apologizing a bit more often, for things like forgetting money to pay for dodgeball, or for missing a meeting... None of these things are life and death, there is always a remedy.
The being in control all the time, at least in some ways, was a reaction to being bullied. There was always an undercurrent of my job being threatened if I didn't do everything perfectly. There were always questions and if I didn't know all the answers it went poorly. I learned to know everything and never give them a chance to find fault. But, living like that is brutal. It meant taking responsibility for things that I had no control over. It meant taking on parts of other peoples jobs because they weren't doing them. In hindsight I can see that this was not my problem. In the end it was too much, and I cracked.
Even recently I have noticed myself acting like this, although there isn't any bullying going on. Slowly though I am noticing this tendency before it happens. I find myself thinking along this line and for the most part I can talk myself into different behaviour. I can remember to only be responsible for myself and that if I don't know everything, that's ok. It means letting other people have their own stuff and not trying to own it, and it means realizing that I don't need to be in that head space. I used to know this, but habits are hard to break, especially when you don't even know you are doing it.
The outcome of this is that my stress level is greatly reduced. I only have my own stuff to deal with, my own stress and not other peoples. It is freeing really.
Saturday 12 November 2011
Some comedy
My friend told me tonight that for someone screwed up, I am remarkably well-adjusted. That made me laugh. She's right though in so many ways. As I was talking to her I could see how much I have been able to think things through and see what I need to do. And what I don't need to do. I could see how much my rational brain is working again and how much I know about myself. I also could see that I am learning to pay attention to what I need and do something with that.
Thanks my friend for the encouragement. I appreciate it. :)
Thanks my friend for the encouragement. I appreciate it. :)
How things have changed
I was just looking at the very first post on this blog, in March. It was about having mixed feelings about some friends coming over. Those same friends are coming for dinner again today. I am looking forward to seeing them. I have no misgivings about them coming, or my ability to handle it. I also am way less worried about getting my place totally clean, as I know they care. I will do a bit of tidying so we can use the kitchen table and all the seats in my living room, but I will likely leave it at that.
The changes I see are amazing. The last time they came I was so anxious about having the perfectly clean place. I was also anxious about my ability to manage through a visit. Today, I am so much more relaxed and I believe I will be much more able to be present with my friends, rather than worrying and feeling anxious about a hundred other things. I am grateful. This feels like a gift to me.
The changes I see are amazing. The last time they came I was so anxious about having the perfectly clean place. I was also anxious about my ability to manage through a visit. Today, I am so much more relaxed and I believe I will be much more able to be present with my friends, rather than worrying and feeling anxious about a hundred other things. I am grateful. This feels like a gift to me.
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Stigma
Today as I was walking to work I heard some guy announcing to another person that his probation officer was in Banff. It got me to thinking about why we worry about telling people about depression or being gay, or at least why I worried about it, and why I still do with some people. This person was obviously ok about telling someone he was on probation, he almost seemed proud of it. If that was me, I'd probably be embarrassed about it. What it really showed me is that there are all sorts of things out there that may have stigma attached to them. I also makes me realize that maybe it doesn't matter so much. What other people think is their stuff, not mine.
On edge
I was at a course today about coaching. A big part of the goal of this is to help others find their own solutions to problems, issues etc... What it also means is asking the rights kinds of questions to help people dig deeper into themselves to find those solutions. The course also continues tomorrow.
I found myself a bit on edge all day. This is a course with a lot of co-workers and so to me this is still my work environment. We did a lot of practicing on each other today. I found myself being very careful with what I was telling people about the issues I was looking for coaching on. While there are some people from work who read this blog and know a lot about me, there is decidedly a vulnerability line I don't want to cross in that kind of environment.
This is hard for me. I've had 2 types of ways of reacting to this kind of situation in the past. Either it was to but up a huge wall and reveal nothing, or I reveal too much. I'm not used to feeling myself protecting myself to a point, and yet letting myself take risks and be vulnerable about other things. My counselor has been telling me for a long time that I get to pick in these situations. I've never really looked at picking and choosing and intentionally deciding how far I let people in.
It's extremely tiring as I am learning a new skill in the coaching, and I am also learning a new skill in deciding how vulnerable to be. And yet, it is exhilarating also to really see that I have a real choice in the matter. I can go on this course and learn and grow, and yet not put myself in a situation I don't want to be in. As I write this, I realize this is another example of me finding ways to care about me, to do what I need to be ok.
I found myself a bit on edge all day. This is a course with a lot of co-workers and so to me this is still my work environment. We did a lot of practicing on each other today. I found myself being very careful with what I was telling people about the issues I was looking for coaching on. While there are some people from work who read this blog and know a lot about me, there is decidedly a vulnerability line I don't want to cross in that kind of environment.
This is hard for me. I've had 2 types of ways of reacting to this kind of situation in the past. Either it was to but up a huge wall and reveal nothing, or I reveal too much. I'm not used to feeling myself protecting myself to a point, and yet letting myself take risks and be vulnerable about other things. My counselor has been telling me for a long time that I get to pick in these situations. I've never really looked at picking and choosing and intentionally deciding how far I let people in.
It's extremely tiring as I am learning a new skill in the coaching, and I am also learning a new skill in deciding how vulnerable to be. And yet, it is exhilarating also to really see that I have a real choice in the matter. I can go on this course and learn and grow, and yet not put myself in a situation I don't want to be in. As I write this, I realize this is another example of me finding ways to care about me, to do what I need to be ok.
Sunday 6 November 2011
The wide reaches of depression
It's amazing to me how much of my life was, and really still is, affected by the depression. I'm not sure which came first, the depression or the real belief that I wasn't valuable and didn't deserve nice things. This second thought really permeates everything.
The thing is, when you don't believe you are valuable, it affects everything you do. I devalued myself so much that I would purposely make things ugly, or not nice, or sabotage things to make sure they weren't good for me. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point. I thought I deserved the bad things that happened and so then I also created bad things and then thought I deserved those also. It's a nasty circle and then once the depression starts, there is no way out.
One example is that I never really have cared about making my living space beautiful and nice for me. I live there because I have to live somewhere. Lately, I've been thinking about what I can do with where I live now to make it a great space for me to live in. To me, this is a sign of good things. I am finally finding ways to honour myself and to take responsibility for my life. I know this might seem small, but to me it is huge. I can see that I deserve to have a nice place, one that suits me.
The thing is, when you don't believe you are valuable, it affects everything you do. I devalued myself so much that I would purposely make things ugly, or not nice, or sabotage things to make sure they weren't good for me. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point. I thought I deserved the bad things that happened and so then I also created bad things and then thought I deserved those also. It's a nasty circle and then once the depression starts, there is no way out.
One example is that I never really have cared about making my living space beautiful and nice for me. I live there because I have to live somewhere. Lately, I've been thinking about what I can do with where I live now to make it a great space for me to live in. To me, this is a sign of good things. I am finally finding ways to honour myself and to take responsibility for my life. I know this might seem small, but to me it is huge. I can see that I deserve to have a nice place, one that suits me.
One step at a time is the way this is working. Sometimes I see things that give me hope, other days that is hard to find. But, the hope is winning out more often now. And I see things are different, better for the most part. It makes it easier to keep going.
Getting away
I spent this past weekend in Banff, AB, one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I went with a friend and some of her friends. There is a film festival there every fall featuring all sorts of outdoors, and adventure type films. It was remarkable to me what a weekend away with fun, happy people, a fun activity and amazing scenery can do for my soul.
The company was lovely. These are people that really know who they are and how to live their lives by their own rules. This is something I am really working on in my life. It is so relaxing to be around people like this as the atmosphere around them is light. It's not to say they don't have their troubles, but there is just something so appealing about being with them. It really made me see the benefits of getting to that place also.
Watching movies about people who like extreme adventure was good for me. (Don't worry mum and dad, I'm not inspired to do the risky things some of these people do). They made me see that life is about what you make of it. We all have to take some risks in our lives to grow, to learn and to challenge ourselves. It also leads us to be creative and see beauty in the world. Without that we are stagnant and being stagnant, for me anyhow, leads to depression.
The mountains to me are always a place of recharging. I am a prairie girl at heart and am not sure I could live there, but visiting is awesome. They are beautiful, especially this weekend with a fresh coat of snow and then brilliant sunshine. It reminded me that there is beauty all around and it is only a matter of noticing it.
It is so nice for me to be able to take time out of my life and recharge and take stock.
The company was lovely. These are people that really know who they are and how to live their lives by their own rules. This is something I am really working on in my life. It is so relaxing to be around people like this as the atmosphere around them is light. It's not to say they don't have their troubles, but there is just something so appealing about being with them. It really made me see the benefits of getting to that place also.
Watching movies about people who like extreme adventure was good for me. (Don't worry mum and dad, I'm not inspired to do the risky things some of these people do). They made me see that life is about what you make of it. We all have to take some risks in our lives to grow, to learn and to challenge ourselves. It also leads us to be creative and see beauty in the world. Without that we are stagnant and being stagnant, for me anyhow, leads to depression.
The mountains to me are always a place of recharging. I am a prairie girl at heart and am not sure I could live there, but visiting is awesome. They are beautiful, especially this weekend with a fresh coat of snow and then brilliant sunshine. It reminded me that there is beauty all around and it is only a matter of noticing it.
It is so nice for me to be able to take time out of my life and recharge and take stock.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Taking care of me
This morning I woke up and didn't feel awesome. I was so tired. I tried for about 15 minutes to get up and then finally decided to sleep this morning and go to work this afternoon. I was also supposed to go out tonight and decided not to. This kind of behaviour is strange for me in some ways. It's behaviour that says I am important and I don't have to push myself until I drop or crash. I can take time to listen to my body at the outset instead of go go go go...
This is a good sign and a lesson all in one. It's a good sign that I am learning to listen to myself and act accordingly. It, to me, shows that I am actually internalizing the thought that I deserve to have my needs met and I can take action to make that happen. It shows that I am learning that I am worthy of love and attention, especially from me. It's a lesson because I am only starting to realize what it means to have my emotional needs met and how to take action for that. But, in the end it is the same as my physical needs. I need to pay attention and take action.
Slowly I am learning what self-esteem really means. I am learning what it means to show myself love and care.
This is a good sign and a lesson all in one. It's a good sign that I am learning to listen to myself and act accordingly. It, to me, shows that I am actually internalizing the thought that I deserve to have my needs met and I can take action to make that happen. It shows that I am learning that I am worthy of love and attention, especially from me. It's a lesson because I am only starting to realize what it means to have my emotional needs met and how to take action for that. But, in the end it is the same as my physical needs. I need to pay attention and take action.
Slowly I am learning what self-esteem really means. I am learning what it means to show myself love and care.
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Talking about it all
I was talking to someone today and telling her some of my story. Every time I do this I get so emotional about it. With her, I wasn't scared about her reaction because I know she has been there too and she would understand. I guess it is just hard. It's hard stuff to talk about. It's hard stuff to let others be a part of.
This last year and a bit have been hard, period. There have been good moments, but a lot of my life has been tied up with dealing with depression and its causes, and getting to understand myself, my tendencies and the fallacies I have been believing for so long. When I share my story with people it evokes so many of those emotions again and again. It leaves me feeling in a funk, distracted and down. I keep sharing though because I know that it is hard for others to share also. I also know that I need the support of people around me and they can't read my mind. The difficult things in our lives are the things we most need to share and the things that are so often the ones that we don't.
I hope that someday it will not be so hard.
This last year and a bit have been hard, period. There have been good moments, but a lot of my life has been tied up with dealing with depression and its causes, and getting to understand myself, my tendencies and the fallacies I have been believing for so long. When I share my story with people it evokes so many of those emotions again and again. It leaves me feeling in a funk, distracted and down. I keep sharing though because I know that it is hard for others to share also. I also know that I need the support of people around me and they can't read my mind. The difficult things in our lives are the things we most need to share and the things that are so often the ones that we don't.
I hope that someday it will not be so hard.
Tuesday 1 November 2011
Do I deserve it?
Things have been better for me the last bit here. A lot of the time I have been feeling really good. I forget about the depression, I forget about being sad, I forget about the negativity that was so pervasive for so long. I love the moments when I realize this has happened.
Then there are the moments I am still struggling with. I catch myself sometimes feeling good, smiling, feeling happy and then thinking, wait this can't be right. I don't deserve to be happy, I must find something to be down about. I must create or state something negative to get back to my "natural" state of being. For so long I believed that I didn't deserve to be happy, that I deserved all the bad crap that happened to me, that I deserved to be down and sad and depressed, that somehow I had brought it on myself. Rationally, I can see that now, and I don't really believe it anymore. But, there is some part of me that wants to go back to the comfortable, the predictable, even though it wasn't good.
I am not used to feeling good. When people ask me how I am, I'm not used to being able to say good, or fine. I used to saying ok, at best. Feeling better is unsettling, it awkward and unknown. I'm not sure how to be, what to say, how to act when things are ok. I so often feel unsure of myself. When I feel myself authentically smiling (and it's not for show) I'm surprised by the feeling. Maybe this is what "normal" feels like? Maybe this is what it is like to not be depressed?
Then there are the moments I am still struggling with. I catch myself sometimes feeling good, smiling, feeling happy and then thinking, wait this can't be right. I don't deserve to be happy, I must find something to be down about. I must create or state something negative to get back to my "natural" state of being. For so long I believed that I didn't deserve to be happy, that I deserved all the bad crap that happened to me, that I deserved to be down and sad and depressed, that somehow I had brought it on myself. Rationally, I can see that now, and I don't really believe it anymore. But, there is some part of me that wants to go back to the comfortable, the predictable, even though it wasn't good.
I am not used to feeling good. When people ask me how I am, I'm not used to being able to say good, or fine. I used to saying ok, at best. Feeling better is unsettling, it awkward and unknown. I'm not sure how to be, what to say, how to act when things are ok. I so often feel unsure of myself. When I feel myself authentically smiling (and it's not for show) I'm surprised by the feeling. Maybe this is what "normal" feels like? Maybe this is what it is like to not be depressed?
Sunday 30 October 2011
First time
I went to my first lesbian dance last night. Beforehand I was pretty nervous. In a lot of ways it felt like a big step. A big step into the unknown anyhow. I found out in the morning that the lady who was supposed to come pick me up had the flu and wasn't going. Drat. Back to having to arrive alone. Then another couple of nice ladies volunteered to come get me. I was thankful for that. It's not nearly so intimidating to arrive with people who are comfortable being there.
What was I nervous about you might ask? The unknown mainly. I really had no idea what to expect. I think also it was just one more time of admitting to myself and the world that I am gay. While I am ok with that, it still feels awkward and weird. But the fact that I was willing to put myself out there and go anyhow shows so much progress from a year ago. Then, there is no way I would have been able to handle the anxiety associated with even thinking about going to this kind of thing. I also wouldn't really have been aware of why I didn't want to go, I just wouldn't have gone because it took too much energy (ok, and I didn't know I was gay).
Yesterday I was totally aware of the fact that I was nervous and that this was a normal reaction to the situation. I wasn't having a major panic attack, well for very long anyhow. I was able to tell people I was nervous, meaning I was aware of how I felt. This to me is the success of it all. And, I also had a really nice time. The atmosphere was casual and friendly. I danced most of the evening. I knew a few people and met some new ones. And, for those who like Danielle is accident-prone stories, I also managed to spill part of my beer on me and on someone else. All in all it was a fun night.
What was I nervous about you might ask? The unknown mainly. I really had no idea what to expect. I think also it was just one more time of admitting to myself and the world that I am gay. While I am ok with that, it still feels awkward and weird. But the fact that I was willing to put myself out there and go anyhow shows so much progress from a year ago. Then, there is no way I would have been able to handle the anxiety associated with even thinking about going to this kind of thing. I also wouldn't really have been aware of why I didn't want to go, I just wouldn't have gone because it took too much energy (ok, and I didn't know I was gay).
Yesterday I was totally aware of the fact that I was nervous and that this was a normal reaction to the situation. I wasn't having a major panic attack, well for very long anyhow. I was able to tell people I was nervous, meaning I was aware of how I felt. This to me is the success of it all. And, I also had a really nice time. The atmosphere was casual and friendly. I danced most of the evening. I knew a few people and met some new ones. And, for those who like Danielle is accident-prone stories, I also managed to spill part of my beer on me and on someone else. All in all it was a fun night.
Friday 28 October 2011
The quirky and the light
This journey of healing is full of twists and turns. So often I take stock and think, boy do I feel better. And then awhile later I do the same and feel even better. Every time this happens it makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy I am getting better, but sad for how bad things were.
Lately I have started to be able to see some of the quirky, fun, and light-hearted moments of my life. For so long I have been in the fog of depression. I was protecting myself from the dark, hard, scary and hurtful things that I knew were there. What I see now is that I was also excluding the good things; for instance, leaving goofy messages on a wipe-board for my boss at a previous job, my dad teaching me to ride a bike, feeding my sister mud pies (she might argue about this being a good thing), funny ways of popping popcorn, my aunt offering me a nickel to hiccup again, my grandma giving us $2 after she would win at nickel bingo, a chocolate pudding fight in the cafeteria, etc etc... These are the kinds of things that I haven't even thought about until recently.
As I slowly deal with the dark things, I find there is light behind them. My life hasn't been all bad, hard, hurtful and scary. There were many good moments, and there still are. Depression made it so I couldn't see these for a time, but they haven't gone away. Some of the darkness is lifting and for that I am very grateful.
Lately I have started to be able to see some of the quirky, fun, and light-hearted moments of my life. For so long I have been in the fog of depression. I was protecting myself from the dark, hard, scary and hurtful things that I knew were there. What I see now is that I was also excluding the good things; for instance, leaving goofy messages on a wipe-board for my boss at a previous job, my dad teaching me to ride a bike, feeding my sister mud pies (she might argue about this being a good thing), funny ways of popping popcorn, my aunt offering me a nickel to hiccup again, my grandma giving us $2 after she would win at nickel bingo, a chocolate pudding fight in the cafeteria, etc etc... These are the kinds of things that I haven't even thought about until recently.
As I slowly deal with the dark things, I find there is light behind them. My life hasn't been all bad, hard, hurtful and scary. There were many good moments, and there still are. Depression made it so I couldn't see these for a time, but they haven't gone away. Some of the darkness is lifting and for that I am very grateful.
Wednesday 26 October 2011
Great bit from Rick Mercer
For those of you not familiar with Rick Mercer, he does a show in Canada called the Rick Mercer report. He is generally out to be funny, but this is a very good serious rant. I am not in public life, but I hope by sharing my story of depression and being gay that maybe, just maybe I can help someone, or help someone help someone...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh1jNAZHKIw&sns=fb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh1jNAZHKIw&sns=fb
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Emotional piggy bank and acid
When I first went to my doctor he explained depression to me in terms of an emotional bank. I like to think of it in terms of a piggy bank though (could be because I like interesting images). What he said was that we all have an emotional bank and for most people, on average what goes in at the top is about the same amount that comes out at the bottom. And for most people the bank is generally pretty full. With depression the bank is close to empty or empty.
For me I see the image in terms of a piggy bank with acid in it. The acid is at the bottom and eroding away many holes. No matter what you do to fill it up from the top, the holes just get bigger and bigger at the bottom. Eventually there is so little in the piggy bank that you don't have the energy to try to fill it up anymore, but the acid just keeps on going. I see that when the bank is totally empty that's when people get to the point of contemplating suicide. There is nothing left to give hope that things will get better. Thankfully for me, my piggy bank got really really low, but there is was something small left to give me hope.
In order to get better from depression I needed to find a way to neutralize the acid. The acid is all the hurts and trauma and challenges and unacknowledged things over the years that just kept eating away and eating away. Neutralizing the acid has to come from the top and the bottom. It's a matter of putting the piggy bank in water (medications, counseling, friends, family...) to stop the acid from having any potency anymore. And then finding ways to reconstruct the holes. The piggy bank has changed shape and some part of the reconstruction are stronger than they were and others are weaker, but the holes in the bottom are smaller now, and will get even smaller I believe as time goes on. Often I still find new holes that need repair. This process is often brutally hard and the repair jobs seem impossible, but little by little I seem to be finding a way.
It was also critical to find different things to put in the piggy bank from the top. Find things that make me happy, find ways to make sure I am taking care of myself, reconnect with people, connect with other people, recognize the good things in my life... After so many years of not paying attention to me this is not an easy process. I am not really sure what needs to go in the top, but I am working on it. Some of that is trial and error, which is a difficult way, but I am not sure what other way I can do this.
My piggy bank is very misshapen and I'm not convinced I am repaired all the holes made by the acid. But, it's my piggy bank and I feel like I am finally really starting to take responsibility for what happens to it.
For me I see the image in terms of a piggy bank with acid in it. The acid is at the bottom and eroding away many holes. No matter what you do to fill it up from the top, the holes just get bigger and bigger at the bottom. Eventually there is so little in the piggy bank that you don't have the energy to try to fill it up anymore, but the acid just keeps on going. I see that when the bank is totally empty that's when people get to the point of contemplating suicide. There is nothing left to give hope that things will get better. Thankfully for me, my piggy bank got really really low, but there is was something small left to give me hope.
In order to get better from depression I needed to find a way to neutralize the acid. The acid is all the hurts and trauma and challenges and unacknowledged things over the years that just kept eating away and eating away. Neutralizing the acid has to come from the top and the bottom. It's a matter of putting the piggy bank in water (medications, counseling, friends, family...) to stop the acid from having any potency anymore. And then finding ways to reconstruct the holes. The piggy bank has changed shape and some part of the reconstruction are stronger than they were and others are weaker, but the holes in the bottom are smaller now, and will get even smaller I believe as time goes on. Often I still find new holes that need repair. This process is often brutally hard and the repair jobs seem impossible, but little by little I seem to be finding a way.
It was also critical to find different things to put in the piggy bank from the top. Find things that make me happy, find ways to make sure I am taking care of myself, reconnect with people, connect with other people, recognize the good things in my life... After so many years of not paying attention to me this is not an easy process. I am not really sure what needs to go in the top, but I am working on it. Some of that is trial and error, which is a difficult way, but I am not sure what other way I can do this.
My piggy bank is very misshapen and I'm not convinced I am repaired all the holes made by the acid. But, it's my piggy bank and I feel like I am finally really starting to take responsibility for what happens to it.
Stalked by depression
Depression seems to follow me everywhere, even places I wouldn't have thought. For awhile after the diagnosis I thought maybe I would keep it quiet, but it turns out that is hard to do.
Anywhere medical, dentist, physio, massage, acupuncture, for starters as they always want to know what kind of medication I am taking and what for. Work also. I took nearly a month off last year around Christmas. Then earlier this year I got a new boss. I needed to explain the numerous doctor's appointments (included psychologist). I also needed to explain why I am not interested (at least for now) is some advancement opportunities. These kinds of unexpected behaviours usually make people wonder.
Anytime I am asked about my coming out story I end up talking about it because the two are so intertwined there is pretty much no way to avoid that.
And today, somewhere I would not have thought about. I went to give blood and they also want to know what kind of medications and what for.
For me, this isn't so bad as I have come to terms with it and well I share a lot about my journey on this blog. But it's amazing to me how much and how often it comes up.
Anywhere medical, dentist, physio, massage, acupuncture, for starters as they always want to know what kind of medication I am taking and what for. Work also. I took nearly a month off last year around Christmas. Then earlier this year I got a new boss. I needed to explain the numerous doctor's appointments (included psychologist). I also needed to explain why I am not interested (at least for now) is some advancement opportunities. These kinds of unexpected behaviours usually make people wonder.
Anytime I am asked about my coming out story I end up talking about it because the two are so intertwined there is pretty much no way to avoid that.
And today, somewhere I would not have thought about. I went to give blood and they also want to know what kind of medications and what for.
For me, this isn't so bad as I have come to terms with it and well I share a lot about my journey on this blog. But it's amazing to me how much and how often it comes up.
Sunday 23 October 2011
Amazing people
Tonight I am feeling emotional and grateful for some amazing people in my life. The past year or so has been really tough for me and I have needed to lean on others. So many people have come through and have been strong for me as I had so many moments when I didn't feel strong. They have shared experiences are perspective, asked questions and given hugs. They have loved and supported me and reminded me of the essence of who I am. They have reminded me that while some things may have changed, others have stayed the same. They have been my rock. You know who you are. Thank you so much. You have helped me come so far.
Wednesday 19 October 2011
Making new rules to live by
There were some significant events along my journey to crashing from depression. One was a few years where I was in 2 different rotten situations, one was work and the other was a relationship. There is lots of trauma coming from those, but the question of the day is why did I stay in them so long?
Some of the rules I used to live by were don't make a fuss, don't be seen, do what is expected, don't be different. This came to play particularly in the work setting. I had a full-time career job. Good pay, good benefits and the work was related to my schooling. Exactly what everyone is striving for right? But, the job was not a good fit at all. I knew this going on in, but I went in on a short-term contract so I figured it would be ok for that amount of time. Then daily my self-confidence was eroded by a lot of things.
So, why did I stay? Really, why didn't I just say no in the first place. Well, it was supposed to be what I was striving for. It also was the "safe" decision. Don't take a risk, don't leave, keep the sure thing. In the end it turned out to be one of the most dangerous places as my mental health took a real beating. It almost destroyed me.
What's the lesson here? I need some new rules to live by. My life can't be about the safe decision, it can't be about what other people think I should want. I know that I will likely always be vulnerable to mental health challenges and so I need to consider that. I need to trust my gut, or my heart, or whatever you want to call it. If something in me says this isn't right, I need to pay attention to that.
By making safe decisions I have put myself in many situations that were soul destroying and not soul building. I've known that many decisions were not that best ones and yet I kept along that path in order to no make a fuss or be different. Being true to myself is a challenging road, but it is the one rule I need to live by, always.
Tuesday 18 October 2011
And then comes the dawn
It always seems to be that at the end of the hard times there is some reprieve. I guess it makes sense actually when I think about it. Usually the hard times are when there are hard things to deal with. These are still generally things from the past, although often tangled up with things from the present. Most often it comes when I either stop paying attention to myself or when I have a hard time letting myself be human. But, the hard times are also reminders that things are still in flux and the process is ongoing. I hope at some point the process will be less intense, but for now it is what it is.
When dealing with the hard times I also end up dealing with some of the trauma, struggles or challenges that I face. This leads to new understandings and new ways of seeing the world. This part is good. Sometimes I get tired of the process still seeming so hard, I want to be better. In so many ways I am, but in a lot of ways I am only at the beginning. When things aren't so hard it is a good time to take a step back and see that I am working through things and have come a long way. Now to try to remember that in the middle of the hard times.
For now, I will take the feeling better times and know that I need to take advantage of them because there will be more hard times as I know there are still things to work through. All in good time.
Sunday 16 October 2011
Thankful to be alive
When I have weeks like I have had recently, when everything seems hard and the negativity seems overwhelming, it is good, if I can, to take stock of what I am thankful for.
Today I am thankful to be alive. That's it. I'm thankful that when I was younger and thought about suicide that I didn't have the courage to follow through with it. Or maybe something small was telling me there was hope. I'm thankful that a few years ago when I considered it again I had enough perspective to understand what it would do to the people I loved and to know I couldn't do that to them. I don't think I really had any hope at that time, but at least there was something tugging at me.
Right now things seems hard, but I am thankful that I am around to take it on.
Today I am thankful to be alive. That's it. I'm thankful that when I was younger and thought about suicide that I didn't have the courage to follow through with it. Or maybe something small was telling me there was hope. I'm thankful that a few years ago when I considered it again I had enough perspective to understand what it would do to the people I loved and to know I couldn't do that to them. I don't think I really had any hope at that time, but at least there was something tugging at me.
Right now things seems hard, but I am thankful that I am around to take it on.
Saturday 15 October 2011
Sucking you dry
I've been processing some really bad situations that I have been in, in the past. Today I got to thinking about what kind of people would be as mean and abusive as some people in my life have been. And that is where this comes from.
There are some people in our lives that are meant to be there. The ones that we love, and that love us. The ones that we support and the ones that support us. The ones that we are happy for and are happy for us. People that are there, real friends. Real caring.
Then there are the people that will suck you dry. They will show up like a friend, for awhile anyhow. But over time all they really want to your energy. They take and take and take, and offer nothing back. They will take every ounce of you. In the end, at least in my experience, then they end up mad. Because, eventually, they have all of you and yet they want more. When they can't get more, they blame you. They yell, berate, belittle, abuse... Whatever their chosen method is. If, like I was, you happen to be particularly vulnerable at the time, it makes it easy for them.
Someone I know said recently that when she evaluates a friend she asks herself if she is a better person because this person is in her life. Are they bonding over something positive or negative? Positive bonding is life giving, negative will destroy your soul eventually. At least, it did for me. Now, I am rebuilding it one step at a time.
There are some people in our lives that are meant to be there. The ones that we love, and that love us. The ones that we support and the ones that support us. The ones that we are happy for and are happy for us. People that are there, real friends. Real caring.
Then there are the people that will suck you dry. They will show up like a friend, for awhile anyhow. But over time all they really want to your energy. They take and take and take, and offer nothing back. They will take every ounce of you. In the end, at least in my experience, then they end up mad. Because, eventually, they have all of you and yet they want more. When they can't get more, they blame you. They yell, berate, belittle, abuse... Whatever their chosen method is. If, like I was, you happen to be particularly vulnerable at the time, it makes it easy for them.
Someone I know said recently that when she evaluates a friend she asks herself if she is a better person because this person is in her life. Are they bonding over something positive or negative? Positive bonding is life giving, negative will destroy your soul eventually. At least, it did for me. Now, I am rebuilding it one step at a time.
Friday 14 October 2011
It's ok
It's ok to feel happy
It's ok to laugh
It's ok to make mistakes
It's ok to be human
It's ok to feel anything
It's ok to feel scared
It's ok to not know
It's ok to not be perfect
It's ok to be grateful
It's ok to feel lonely
It's ok to ask for help
It's ok to be nervous
It's ok to be vulnerable
It's ok to protect yourself
It's ok to know what you want
It's ok to ask to have your needs met
It's ok to be you
It's ok to laugh
It's ok to make mistakes
It's ok to be human
It's ok to feel anything
It's ok to feel scared
It's ok to not know
It's ok to not be perfect
It's ok to be grateful
It's ok to feel lonely
It's ok to ask for help
It's ok to be nervous
It's ok to be vulnerable
It's ok to protect yourself
It's ok to know what you want
It's ok to ask to have your needs met
It's ok to be you
The Honeymoon is over
As with many things in life, sorting through the root causes of depression came with a honeymoon period for me. There's that moment, that realization, that aha, there is it. Now I understand way better. Now I can finally feel good because that is gone. And for awhile this good feeling is enough to sustain. But, as with many things in life, that phase is not enough.
There is another phase, the one that comes after. The one where you learn to incorporate the learnings into your life. The one where you learn to live differently. For me, that means learning what I want and what I don't want, what makes me happy, what fills me with joy, what I like, what I don't like. In the end, it really means living my life according to my own rules, and no one else's. It means being ok with being different than what society tells me I should be. It means being ok with being different than what my family, friends and colleagues might want to tell me I should be. It means learning to live, at least part time, in the lesbian community. I have never really felt like I fit in in the main stream anything. Time to embrace that and be ok with it.
This means work. Hard work. It also means accepting that the process is my goal and there is no destination. Learning is goal. Getting to know and love myself more can only be good in the end. It will bring pain and hurt and weeks like this one when that seems to be all there is. But, it also means a better relationship with myself. It means knowing what my needs actually are, what my triggers for depression are and how to live my life in a better way.
I need help on this journey still. The medications are working, and I not depressed. This allows me to be able to try. But, I'm scared, I'm lonely and I often feel like I don't have any idea how to manage, how to cope.
There is another phase, the one that comes after. The one where you learn to incorporate the learnings into your life. The one where you learn to live differently. For me, that means learning what I want and what I don't want, what makes me happy, what fills me with joy, what I like, what I don't like. In the end, it really means living my life according to my own rules, and no one else's. It means being ok with being different than what society tells me I should be. It means being ok with being different than what my family, friends and colleagues might want to tell me I should be. It means learning to live, at least part time, in the lesbian community. I have never really felt like I fit in in the main stream anything. Time to embrace that and be ok with it.
This means work. Hard work. It also means accepting that the process is my goal and there is no destination. Learning is goal. Getting to know and love myself more can only be good in the end. It will bring pain and hurt and weeks like this one when that seems to be all there is. But, it also means a better relationship with myself. It means knowing what my needs actually are, what my triggers for depression are and how to live my life in a better way.
I need help on this journey still. The medications are working, and I not depressed. This allows me to be able to try. But, I'm scared, I'm lonely and I often feel like I don't have any idea how to manage, how to cope.
Wednesday 12 October 2011
A rant
Ok, here is my rant. Where do people get off drawing a direct line from being gay to being a child molester? Where does this come from? Gay people are like all other people. Mainly they are looking to live their lives and find someone to share it with. Just because they want to share it with someone of the same gender doesn't mean there is anything sinister about them, or I guess I should say us. Ok, it really makes me mad when people draw these kinds of conclusions based on nothing and that are so ridiculous!!!
http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2011/10/where-do-you-draw-the-line-on-free-speech.html
http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2011/10/where-do-you-draw-the-line-on-free-speech.html
Abuse and being mean
Tonight I've been working through some old hurts. I've been re-living and trying to re-frame some of the emotionally abusive situations I have been in. And, it made me wonder why is it that when some people are feeling lousy about themselves the first thing they do is go looking for someone vulnerable? They will then exercise power and be so abusive and hurtful to the vulnerable person. Other people turn that same feeling inward.
What is it about this action? Why is it that when we hurt we want other people to hurt also, and we so often inflict the hurt? It's not like this really helps us deal with our own hurt. Does misery really love company that much?
What is it about this action? Why is it that when we hurt we want other people to hurt also, and we so often inflict the hurt? It's not like this really helps us deal with our own hurt. Does misery really love company that much?
Hurt
Some days the hurt is right on the surface. It's just the way it is. I spent the day at work just barely on this side of coping. Now that the day is over, I'm on the other side again. Processing the hurt sucks quite frankly. I know that it is a necessary and normal step, but it still sucks.
Tuesday 11 October 2011
Not depressed, but still hard
Things are hard for me these days. I am no longer feeling depressed. However I am not ok either. Depression for me is paralyzing. It meant not dealing with anything, it meant existing. And so I try to learn how to live.
Learning to live these days is hard and I'm struggling. I am sad, and overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I don't even know how to love myself, how to treat myself right. How do I learn something like that? My life feels so unsettled and lonely. I feel like I am starting over, and yet it feels like a process I should have gone through in my teens, not now. How do I explain to people that I am trying to change things for me? How do I explain that the life I had was one based on a lot of unhealthy things? Lots of questions and few answers today.
Learning to live these days is hard and I'm struggling. I am sad, and overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I don't even know how to love myself, how to treat myself right. How do I learn something like that? My life feels so unsettled and lonely. I feel like I am starting over, and yet it feels like a process I should have gone through in my teens, not now. How do I explain to people that I am trying to change things for me? How do I explain that the life I had was one based on a lot of unhealthy things? Lots of questions and few answers today.
How?
How do I come to terms with my life?
How do I learn to love myself?
How do I stay grounded when things are hard?
How do I deal with being so lonely?
How do I accept that dealing with this stuff means I am better?
How do I remember to give myself a break?
How do I learn to set realistic expectations for myself?
How do I let myself be human?
How do I know that I am strong?
How do I let the past be the past?
How do I recognize what is normal, tough, life stuff and what is depression?
How do I handle stress?
How do I understand that mistakes happen?
How do I let myself be human?
How do I understand that I am valuable?
How do I treat myself?
How do I learn to love myself?
How do I learn to love myself?
How do I stay grounded when things are hard?
How do I deal with being so lonely?
How do I accept that dealing with this stuff means I am better?
How do I remember to give myself a break?
How do I learn to set realistic expectations for myself?
How do I let myself be human?
How do I know that I am strong?
How do I let the past be the past?
How do I recognize what is normal, tough, life stuff and what is depression?
How do I handle stress?
How do I understand that mistakes happen?
How do I let myself be human?
How do I understand that I am valuable?
How do I treat myself?
How do I learn to love myself?
Friday 7 October 2011
Bravado and being real
Yesterday the local counseling centre was providing free depression screening on it's website. I took a look at it, just for interest. When I looked at it, it reminded me of the many times I manipulated those screenings to show that I was fine. It wasn't hard. I am smart, and I know the symptoms of depression and so when someone would give me the test, I would lie about how I was feeling. No problem. In a lot of ways I felt like I was outsmarting them. In some ways, I think the system was part of the problem. More than once I was given the screening before I even talked to a person. For someone like me, who was good at hiding, didn't really trust people, and scared to death, I wasn't going to reveal that up-front. I needed time to get to know someone. I also needed someone to push me, not to back off when I was prickly. I didn't find that. In the end, I know that lying about how I was feeling didn't hurt the counsellors, it only hurt me. But at the time, it seemed like a completely reasonable thing to be doing.
I was scared of depression. Scared of anti-depressant medication, scared to show any kind of weakness and quite frankly not that aware of my own feelings. So, I put up a front, put on the bravado that everything was ok and moved on. I saw lots of counsellors in that time, but nothing really ever changed. I know it wasn't their job to change things for me, but I also think they weren't observant and were not well equipped to deal with the wall I was putting up. It also seems to me that they were very dependent on the screening and didn't really take a lot of time and effort to really observe or listen to the undertones of what I was saying. One mentioned depression a few times and I immediately changed the subject, every time. Maybe my expectations were too high. Whatever the reason, I kept going on with the mask, the wall and the bravado.
I will be forever grateful to the counsellor I have been seeing for the past couple of years (and to the friend who suggested her). She really took the time to listen to the words I was saying and somehow saw that there really was something there. She called me on the bravado and let me know in no uncertain terms what message that sent. Every time she saw it she said something about it. She also showed me, somehow, that she couldn't help me unless I let her in, let her behind the wall.
I was terrified to say the least. Letting someone see the hurt, frankly, letting myself discover the hurt, was so scary and hard. Hurt is difficult, hurt is horrible, but numbness is worse. Living behind a wall is worse. Eventually, I managed to find a way to let myself chip away at the wall, and to let her see some of what was there. It wasn't pretty, but for the first time in a long time I started to see the real me.
In the end, when I felt like I had hit a wall in my healing and she suggested depression and the anti-depressants I was much more receptive to hearing it. I trusted that she knew what she was talking about, and that she wasn't just relying on some answers I gave in a screening. She knew a lot of what was going on and could see that there was something other than old hurts going on. I was still terrified, but at least I managed to do something, I wasn't paralyzed.
I struggle everyday to be real, to leave the bravado behind. I have to remind myself constantly what it is like to live behind the wall. It's not living, and that's the thing, it is only existing. It protects me for a certain kind of hurt, but inflicts a whole different kind, which is so much bigger and harder in the end. The wall blocks out living, it blocks out connection with other people, it blocks out joy and sorrow. I live in the world now, most of the time. It is harder in so many ways, but it is the only way to live.
I was scared of depression. Scared of anti-depressant medication, scared to show any kind of weakness and quite frankly not that aware of my own feelings. So, I put up a front, put on the bravado that everything was ok and moved on. I saw lots of counsellors in that time, but nothing really ever changed. I know it wasn't their job to change things for me, but I also think they weren't observant and were not well equipped to deal with the wall I was putting up. It also seems to me that they were very dependent on the screening and didn't really take a lot of time and effort to really observe or listen to the undertones of what I was saying. One mentioned depression a few times and I immediately changed the subject, every time. Maybe my expectations were too high. Whatever the reason, I kept going on with the mask, the wall and the bravado.
I will be forever grateful to the counsellor I have been seeing for the past couple of years (and to the friend who suggested her). She really took the time to listen to the words I was saying and somehow saw that there really was something there. She called me on the bravado and let me know in no uncertain terms what message that sent. Every time she saw it she said something about it. She also showed me, somehow, that she couldn't help me unless I let her in, let her behind the wall.
I was terrified to say the least. Letting someone see the hurt, frankly, letting myself discover the hurt, was so scary and hard. Hurt is difficult, hurt is horrible, but numbness is worse. Living behind a wall is worse. Eventually, I managed to find a way to let myself chip away at the wall, and to let her see some of what was there. It wasn't pretty, but for the first time in a long time I started to see the real me.
In the end, when I felt like I had hit a wall in my healing and she suggested depression and the anti-depressants I was much more receptive to hearing it. I trusted that she knew what she was talking about, and that she wasn't just relying on some answers I gave in a screening. She knew a lot of what was going on and could see that there was something other than old hurts going on. I was still terrified, but at least I managed to do something, I wasn't paralyzed.
I struggle everyday to be real, to leave the bravado behind. I have to remind myself constantly what it is like to live behind the wall. It's not living, and that's the thing, it is only existing. It protects me for a certain kind of hurt, but inflicts a whole different kind, which is so much bigger and harder in the end. The wall blocks out living, it blocks out connection with other people, it blocks out joy and sorrow. I live in the world now, most of the time. It is harder in so many ways, but it is the only way to live.
Wednesday 5 October 2011
Twisted like a pretzel
Since I was in Jr. High School I have rarely felt like I fit in anywhere, rarely felt like I belonged. I spent a lot of those years twisting myself around like a pretzel in order to find a way to be accepted. This was an effective strategy, for awhile. In the end though, the act can only last for so long. At some point something that is underneath comes through. Then I would find myself feeling like an outcast again.
This is a bad pattern because at some point I didn't even know the person underneath it all anymore. Anger, frustration, depression, anxiety. These are the things that were right below the act. When the act broke down, it's really no wonder that the people around me weren't all that happy to continue to be my friends. I am sure that a lot of people took the brunt of all of these feelings when really they had very little to do with the cause.
The other thing about it is that being a pretzel hurts after awhile. I wasn't meant to twist is all of those ways. In the end I wasn't able to be what the people around me wanted, but instead of thinking that maybe I was in a situation that was a bad fit, I would twist and twist and twist until I broke. Literally. To me this is what happened a few times, but specifically when I finally really crashed nearly a year ago now. I couldn't do it anymore and something inside me was screaming, stop!!! Get some help.
Have things changed for me? I still often feel like an outcast and like I don't really fit in anywhere. Often this makes me feel alone and lonely. At least now however I have two reactions that are positive. The first is to remember that there are lots of people in my life who love and care about me. And also who I love and care about. I am accepted by them. The second is to look at the situation. Mostly I find that it is a situation where I feel like I can't really be myself. And so I try a new situation.
As I am only learning who I really am and what I am all about, I think I am still often seeking out situations that aren't necessarily who I am. At least sometimes I am able to recognize that before I twist very far, and try again.
This is a bad pattern because at some point I didn't even know the person underneath it all anymore. Anger, frustration, depression, anxiety. These are the things that were right below the act. When the act broke down, it's really no wonder that the people around me weren't all that happy to continue to be my friends. I am sure that a lot of people took the brunt of all of these feelings when really they had very little to do with the cause.
The other thing about it is that being a pretzel hurts after awhile. I wasn't meant to twist is all of those ways. In the end I wasn't able to be what the people around me wanted, but instead of thinking that maybe I was in a situation that was a bad fit, I would twist and twist and twist until I broke. Literally. To me this is what happened a few times, but specifically when I finally really crashed nearly a year ago now. I couldn't do it anymore and something inside me was screaming, stop!!! Get some help.
Have things changed for me? I still often feel like an outcast and like I don't really fit in anywhere. Often this makes me feel alone and lonely. At least now however I have two reactions that are positive. The first is to remember that there are lots of people in my life who love and care about me. And also who I love and care about. I am accepted by them. The second is to look at the situation. Mostly I find that it is a situation where I feel like I can't really be myself. And so I try a new situation.
As I am only learning who I really am and what I am all about, I think I am still often seeking out situations that aren't necessarily who I am. At least sometimes I am able to recognize that before I twist very far, and try again.
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Making sense of it all
Sometimes it seems that everything in my life is clicking and at other times like nothing is. The other day a friend asked me if I have any vacation plans coming up. I said no. For the first time since I can remember that thought didn't cause me to panic. I realized that I am pretty contented with my life at the moment, most of the time. I love that thought. Staying home, traveling, visiting friends or whatever all seems to be ok with me. I love to travel and experience the world, but I can see now that so much of my need to get away all the time was driven by being so unhappy in my life. Getting away like that was an opportunity to let it all go and really be in the moment. Now I am often in the moment and not anxious or worried about things and so the desperate push to find a way to get into the moment isn't there so much.
Amazing how treating the underlying disorder can affect so many things.
Sunday 2 October 2011
People are talking about it
A poll by cbc on how to make things better. My view, keep talking to whoever will listen... Keep reminding people that these are illnesses and nothing to be ashamed of. I would love to see a world where people with mental illnesses are given the same amount of support and encouragement as those with illnesses like cancer, ms, etc... Anything that is life threatening, or life-altering, is serious and important. This doesn't matter if it is physical or mental, we need to recognize and treat people them say way. Give them the help they need to heal, recover, manage and find a way to go on. As anyone who reads this knows, I speak from experience and it makes me really believe this needs to be done. So many people out there are scared to talk about their challenges with mental illness and yet so many people out there are facing similar challenges. The feeling of isolation is almost as bad as the illness itself.
The point? Illness is illness. Let's start treating it that way.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2011/09/how-can-we-remove-the-stigma-of-mental-illness.html
Thursday 29 September 2011
Coming out
Coming out is an interesting thing to do. I am sure everyone's story is different in a lot of ways, but there is one way that seems to be common. It seems that everyone has said that coming out is freeing.
I know for me coming to term with my sexuality, realizing that I am gay and accepting it, has been one of the best and worst experiences for me. The worst because it is scary. There is still a lot of stigma and prejudice around being gay. There are still incidents where people are bullied, hurt or even killed because of it. So, there is good reason to be scared. It was also a hard thing to tell a lot of people in my life. I can't imagine it's an easy thing for most people to tell their parents. And I used to be part of a religious group where it is considered unacceptable. I wasn't sure what to expect from some of my friends from that group.
Now for the best part. My parents have been great. Still not sure how my dad feels about it all but, as expected, he hasn't treated me any differently. My mum is more vocal so I know how she feels. In the end they have been so supportive and have let me know how much they love me. Really knowing they are in my corner, even when things are hard, has been a huge source of strength. What more could you ask for? My sister also has been amazing and supportive. And my friends, great. I really didn't need to be afraid of reactions of the people in my life at all.
Now for the even better part. Coming out has lifted a humungous weight off my shoulders. You know when you have a secret to keep how hard it is? Well, I have been burying this secret for 25 years. In hindsight I am amazed at the methods I devised to even convince myself that I was straight. But, now that the truth is out, I can see that they were all just coping mechanisms to keep this out of sight.
For the first time since I was a kid, I feel really connected to who I am. I feel like I am able to really be myself. I don't need elaborate coping mechanisms to keep myself going. I can be authentic and real. It is so much less work and such a better way to live. I am me and I feel free. It's an incredible feeling really.
Amazed
I was out walking today and got to thinking about my life a year ago and now.
I am still so often amazed at how different things are now. I really never would have believed that life wasn't that hard, that everything wasn't crappy. When I think on it, I must have had the depression for a long, long time because I don't really remember life being any different, I just thought that's the way things were. It didn't seem to matter what I did, or how hard I tried I couldn't make things better.
Now I see how ill I really was. I find myself now looking at some of the things I do and being amazed that I even can. I managed to ask for and get a change to my work hours to 4 days. I never would have thought that possible. And the truth is this seems a bit against what society tells us to do and yet, I don't care. I have managed to come to terms with my sexuality. That to me is hard to fathom still. I really did that, I was really able to see myself and what matters to me and then do something about it. I was well practiced in the art of hiding so to come out of hiding is so "wow" for me. I see myself more and more really caring about what matters to me and doing something about it. Most often it is not big, but I am standing up for myself. The bigger thing behind this is knowing what matters to me. I never really knew that before. I just went along to get along, but in the end that was destroying. These are a few examples.
I am so in awe of myself in so many ways. I can't believe I am able to do all of this and that really it is not that hard. I assume this is what "normal" feels like (without depression). It's just so amazing to me that life can be like this.
I am still so often amazed at how different things are now. I really never would have believed that life wasn't that hard, that everything wasn't crappy. When I think on it, I must have had the depression for a long, long time because I don't really remember life being any different, I just thought that's the way things were. It didn't seem to matter what I did, or how hard I tried I couldn't make things better.
Now I see how ill I really was. I find myself now looking at some of the things I do and being amazed that I even can. I managed to ask for and get a change to my work hours to 4 days. I never would have thought that possible. And the truth is this seems a bit against what society tells us to do and yet, I don't care. I have managed to come to terms with my sexuality. That to me is hard to fathom still. I really did that, I was really able to see myself and what matters to me and then do something about it. I was well practiced in the art of hiding so to come out of hiding is so "wow" for me. I see myself more and more really caring about what matters to me and doing something about it. Most often it is not big, but I am standing up for myself. The bigger thing behind this is knowing what matters to me. I never really knew that before. I just went along to get along, but in the end that was destroying. These are a few examples.
I am so in awe of myself in so many ways. I can't believe I am able to do all of this and that really it is not that hard. I assume this is what "normal" feels like (without depression). It's just so amazing to me that life can be like this.
Monday 26 September 2011
Stress and Depression
Lately I've been feeling pretty down again. Not as bad as I was once, but still not great. My job has also had a lot going on. I've been trying not to let it get to me, but I haven't been succeeding.
When things are going ok, or are pretty low key I seem to be able to manage just fine. When things get difficult or stressful, I find I am having a hard time letting the stress go. This is turn makes it harder for me to cope with things. I've been trying to tell myself that it is just work and that it is not causing me stress. Ha ha, nice try.
What I can see though is progress. I am thinking about this and wondering what to do, instead of feeling just plain awful. When I can see myself doing this, it makes me feel better in some ways because I know that even though I am feeling down and feeling like I am having a tough time coping, I am better in some ways.
So then, I guess the next question is what to do? How to manage this situation in order to feel better? Recognizing what is going on is the first step. Knowing that the deadlines and the intensity at work is getting to me is critical in the path forward. Remember what importance and value I put on work is also important. Remembering that while work is a good thing, it is not everything and I don't need to let it be everything. Remembering that I care about my job, but it is not at the top of my list of things to care about. Remembering that I am doing the best that I can and that just has to be good enough. And knowing that this situation is temporary.
Ok, this is helping. It is helping me to see that my reaction is not entirely about the current situation, some of it has to do with some previous trauma in my life. It is also helping me remember that I value lots of things in my life, a number of them way more than my job.
When things are going ok, or are pretty low key I seem to be able to manage just fine. When things get difficult or stressful, I find I am having a hard time letting the stress go. This is turn makes it harder for me to cope with things. I've been trying to tell myself that it is just work and that it is not causing me stress. Ha ha, nice try.
What I can see though is progress. I am thinking about this and wondering what to do, instead of feeling just plain awful. When I can see myself doing this, it makes me feel better in some ways because I know that even though I am feeling down and feeling like I am having a tough time coping, I am better in some ways.
So then, I guess the next question is what to do? How to manage this situation in order to feel better? Recognizing what is going on is the first step. Knowing that the deadlines and the intensity at work is getting to me is critical in the path forward. Remember what importance and value I put on work is also important. Remembering that while work is a good thing, it is not everything and I don't need to let it be everything. Remembering that I care about my job, but it is not at the top of my list of things to care about. Remembering that I am doing the best that I can and that just has to be good enough. And knowing that this situation is temporary.
Ok, this is helping. It is helping me to see that my reaction is not entirely about the current situation, some of it has to do with some previous trauma in my life. It is also helping me remember that I value lots of things in my life, a number of them way more than my job.
Friday 23 September 2011
Checking back into life
I just finished reading Portia de Rossi's memoire about her struggle with anorexia and being gay, called "Unbearable Lightness". There is a line in the epilogue that really struck a chord with me. It goes, "Being sick allows you to check out of life. Getting well again means you have to check back in."
For me, a lot of my depression came, and still comes, when I feel ignored, or invisible. For so long I only wanted someone to notice me and yet I did everything in my power to make sure that no one did. It's twisted, I know, but it's a mental illness and that's the way it works. When I finally was diagnosed with depression I found that I all of a sudden got lots of attention. People were worried, I guess rightly so actually. I ate up the attention. But I still didn't really believe I deserved it.
The challenge is how to live being well and not feel the same feelings. How do I get the attention I need, but in a positive way, is a better way to ask. So much of it for me is being aware of my needs and asking others to consider them. This usually isn't a big thing, but when you are used to being invisible asking for anything is hard. Some little examples; when scheduling an event that you want me to be at, please consider my schedule; making sure I am part of conversations if I have something to say; expressing my preference of restaurants, movies, activities... etc... The list goes on.
I am getting a lot better at these things. So much of it isn't about practice, but about believing that I deserve to have my needs and wants considered. I still have moments when I crave attention, but generally I am better about going out and finding it. I will make a point of visiting my parents or my sister instead of staying home alone. I'll call a friend. I'll write an email or a blog. And when I do all of these things I am slowly, slowly getting better at telling people when I am hurting, instead of pretending that everything is ok. It's a process that starts with paying attention to myself and continues with letting other people care for me when I need it.
For me, a lot of my depression came, and still comes, when I feel ignored, or invisible. For so long I only wanted someone to notice me and yet I did everything in my power to make sure that no one did. It's twisted, I know, but it's a mental illness and that's the way it works. When I finally was diagnosed with depression I found that I all of a sudden got lots of attention. People were worried, I guess rightly so actually. I ate up the attention. But I still didn't really believe I deserved it.
The challenge is how to live being well and not feel the same feelings. How do I get the attention I need, but in a positive way, is a better way to ask. So much of it for me is being aware of my needs and asking others to consider them. This usually isn't a big thing, but when you are used to being invisible asking for anything is hard. Some little examples; when scheduling an event that you want me to be at, please consider my schedule; making sure I am part of conversations if I have something to say; expressing my preference of restaurants, movies, activities... etc... The list goes on.
I am getting a lot better at these things. So much of it isn't about practice, but about believing that I deserve to have my needs and wants considered. I still have moments when I crave attention, but generally I am better about going out and finding it. I will make a point of visiting my parents or my sister instead of staying home alone. I'll call a friend. I'll write an email or a blog. And when I do all of these things I am slowly, slowly getting better at telling people when I am hurting, instead of pretending that everything is ok. It's a process that starts with paying attention to myself and continues with letting other people care for me when I need it.
Sunday 18 September 2011
Relapse, sort of
A friend of mine recently told me she was glad to see the changes in me, so I asked her what kind of changes she saw. She said I seem happier and also more nervous when I talk. In her view this wasn't anything bad. In my view it is not bad, but it the nervousness is a sign that things aren't quite right with me.
In so many ways things are better than they were, but there has also been a lot of change in the last 9 months or so. Most of the change is good change, but it is still hard to grasp it all and really know what to do with it. I know myself better in a lot of ways. I know I am gay, I know I have a tendency to put myself last and not even consider that I have my own needs to be met, I know that I feel things with other people - I can't be a bystander to others emotions and I know that my old ways of being and coping are not healthy in a lot of ways and lead me to a bad place.
What I see now though is a me that doesn't quite know how to act in a lot of situations. When I feel off or insecure I find myself falling back to a lot of my old coping mechanisms. The major one is to be all chipper and outgoing and laugh a lot. Not that any of these things are bad, but they can also come across as nervous and likely this is what my friend is seeing in me. I also know that for me acting like this is an act, an act I use to hide how I really feel. I know that on some level we all do this, but for me it is exhausting because it is often so far from what is really going on with me. It also means that in the moment I am not really aware of my feelings, which can lead to bad situations sometimes.
In the end if often feels like I am back to square one. I know this is not true, but it doesn't change how I feel. After an evening of acting like this, like last night, I feel drained, down, depressed and desperately in need of time alone to recover. I know from this that I need to find a different way to handle situations where I am feeling insecure and not quite sure of how to be.
So, what to do about it? I guess just articulating that this is what I am doing is the first step. How to move forward? Not too sure. Guess it is something to think about. Any suggestions, experiences or thoughts?
Friday 16 September 2011
Fear and Hope
Mental illness is scary. Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety scared the crap out of me. And to make matter worse, the diagnosis came when I was at a point where I couldn't cope anymore, so my brain really wasn't working in a normal way. I was scared to take medications, scared to tell people, scared to keep going, scared to stop, just plain scared.
Mental illness is also scary for people who don't have it. It is unknown, it makes people act in unpredictable ways. Depression can so often take over an ability to be rational and to problem solve so people will look like drama kings and queens. It is scary to watch someone change and act is strange ways. Because mental illness is not well understood it is scary and hard to know what to do.
So how do we make it better? How do we provide hope, both for those with mental illness and those who care about them? I really believe sharing our stories, caring about other people, really listening, making a point of knowing each other will help. I write this blog and share my story publicly partially because it helps me, but also I hope because it helps others. I hope it gives hope to other people that things won't always be horrible, or that they are not alone or whatever it is that they need. I know that having people in my corner has been such a critical piece of feeling better and I want other people to know that there are people who will be in their corner. I will if you need.
Depression doesn't really scare me anymore. I live with it everyday. Will I ever be cured? Who knows? At some point I will attempt to stop taking the anti-depressants and see if I can manage. If I can awesome, if not I will keep taking them. Can I manage my depression and live with it in a way that means depression doesn't define my everyday? I really believe I can. I am learning some of the triggers for me and I have also dealt with so much of the stuff that contributed to it.
Everyday I choose to find a way to be better, to live in a good way, to know that depression isn't all of me. I am bigger than that. On bad days, it is pretty overwhelming, but most days are good. For me it's a choice I have to make over and over and over again. It would be easy to let myself be depressed but I know that there is a better way.
Mental illness is also scary for people who don't have it. It is unknown, it makes people act in unpredictable ways. Depression can so often take over an ability to be rational and to problem solve so people will look like drama kings and queens. It is scary to watch someone change and act is strange ways. Because mental illness is not well understood it is scary and hard to know what to do.
So how do we make it better? How do we provide hope, both for those with mental illness and those who care about them? I really believe sharing our stories, caring about other people, really listening, making a point of knowing each other will help. I write this blog and share my story publicly partially because it helps me, but also I hope because it helps others. I hope it gives hope to other people that things won't always be horrible, or that they are not alone or whatever it is that they need. I know that having people in my corner has been such a critical piece of feeling better and I want other people to know that there are people who will be in their corner. I will if you need.
Depression doesn't really scare me anymore. I live with it everyday. Will I ever be cured? Who knows? At some point I will attempt to stop taking the anti-depressants and see if I can manage. If I can awesome, if not I will keep taking them. Can I manage my depression and live with it in a way that means depression doesn't define my everyday? I really believe I can. I am learning some of the triggers for me and I have also dealt with so much of the stuff that contributed to it.
Everyday I choose to find a way to be better, to live in a good way, to know that depression isn't all of me. I am bigger than that. On bad days, it is pretty overwhelming, but most days are good. For me it's a choice I have to make over and over and over again. It would be easy to let myself be depressed but I know that there is a better way.
A great article
This article explains so well what depression feels like. I am so glad to see that people are talking, but it makes me sad that it took a suicide to inspire this one.
http://www.tsn.ca/story/?id=375694
http://www.tsn.ca/story/?id=375694
Tuesday 13 September 2011
Interactions
I was talking to someone at work today about how we treat people, especially those we work with and it was interesting. We got to talking about how organizations are set up so people are at different levels in the organization. I see that somehow this, to a lot of people, means we treat people differently depending on where they are. I learned a long time ago that this is not the way I want to be with others. In any work environment everyone is there because they have a role to play in the success of the organization. I truly believe we need to treat people that way. My co-worker was talking about how everyone wants to feel like they are contributing and respected no matter what level they are at. I love this way of looking at things.
By extension, I got to thinking about how we treat anyone we think is better or worse than us. The truth is that we all have our stories to tell and we all have joy and sorrow in our stories. This is often hard to remember and it is oh so tempting to look down on people or be intimidated by people for no reason other then their "place" in society.
Now that I find myself part of at least 2 groups of people that are often looked down on - those with mental illness and gay people - my conviction that we should treat people as people is stronger. It's not that we need to be friends with everyone, or even accept their choices, but just to know that we will never know the whole story behind who they are. This to me is a critical piece of how I want to view the world. I know from my own experience that the essential of who I am hasn't changed because of better understanding myself and I am sure this is true of others as well.
By extension, I got to thinking about how we treat anyone we think is better or worse than us. The truth is that we all have our stories to tell and we all have joy and sorrow in our stories. This is often hard to remember and it is oh so tempting to look down on people or be intimidated by people for no reason other then their "place" in society.
Now that I find myself part of at least 2 groups of people that are often looked down on - those with mental illness and gay people - my conviction that we should treat people as people is stronger. It's not that we need to be friends with everyone, or even accept their choices, but just to know that we will never know the whole story behind who they are. This to me is a critical piece of how I want to view the world. I know from my own experience that the essential of who I am hasn't changed because of better understanding myself and I am sure this is true of others as well.
Sunday 11 September 2011
How?
Another bit of writing about old stuff that is slowly working its way out.
Today was so hard
How do I make myself get up and do it again tomorrow?
No chance of sleeping much, too much anxiety for that.
What will she do tomorrow?
Will she yell, belittle, intimidate?
Who will she do it in front of this time?
Why me?
What information will she keep from me?
How will I make it through?
How will I meet the unrealistic expectations?
Why won't anyone listen to me or do anything?
Surely they must see what she does.
I feel so alone and helpless.
One of these days I will have to get out of here.
If no one will help, I will have to find a way myself.
But how?
I hope it is soon. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.
Today was so hard
How do I make myself get up and do it again tomorrow?
No chance of sleeping much, too much anxiety for that.
What will she do tomorrow?
Will she yell, belittle, intimidate?
Who will she do it in front of this time?
Why me?
What information will she keep from me?
How will I make it through?
How will I meet the unrealistic expectations?
Why won't anyone listen to me or do anything?
Surely they must see what she does.
I feel so alone and helpless.
One of these days I will have to get out of here.
If no one will help, I will have to find a way myself.
But how?
I hope it is soon. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)