Anger bordering on rage

Yesterday was a bad day.  Let's start there.  I was angry at someone.  I have mixed thoughts about my reaction to the situation.

I really believe that anger is a natural reaction to how I was being treated.  Someone was treating me poorly, being a bully, and trying to get what she wanted without any thought of how it might affect me.  She was also accusing me of doing things to make her life difficult.  Most of her accusations were unfounded or a very selective view of the truth.  Selective to, in my view, serve her own needs.  Again, no thoughts about how it might affect me.  This really has been the pattern with this person all along.

On one hand I am really glad for the anger.  It is a good defense mechanism to not give in and try to make peace.  It is a way for me to find my voice and say no.  I will not accept your treatment of me.  It is a useful tool that way.

On the other hand, I am scared of what happened.  Anger is one thing.  Uncontrollable rage is another and I was bordering between the two.  I haven't felt that out of control with anger in a long long time.  So, what's that about?  A few things I think.  Life has been stressful so I haven't been at my best lately.  Secondly, this is a pattern and I have let things go for too long, I guess.  I didn't really see it for awhile.  Now that I do, I will not tolerate it.  But still, the rage is not needed or helpful.

I guess I had hoped that side of me was gone.  It is hard to realize that I am still capable of getting that out of control.  It scares me as well. I have done some pretty horrible things to people in fits of rage.  I never want to do that again.  I think, and hope, I can recognize when things are getting that bad and find a way to get out of the situation.

The other part that is hard for me is that I have a hard time letting myself be human.  When things don't go perfectly (in my view) it is really tough for me to give myself a break.  I'm working at it.  Today, this is what I am doing.  Trying to remember that being perfect has nothing to do with it.

My goal through all of this is to feel my feelings, to get in touch with them.  This really felt like I was in touch with the hurt and anger.  I didn't shut down, I wasn't numb.  It's not nice to feel emotions that intensely.  I understand why I was avoiding it.  I think that I am also learning how to feel things.  Maybe that is also part of the intensity of emotion.  It feels a bit like all or nothing right now.  I hope that the more I learn about myself, and the more I am able to feel things, the better I will be able to manage.  I guess time will tell.

In the meantime...  I will keep telling myself that being angry is ok.  Even raging to a point is ok.  It's a normal way to feel based on what happened.  I don't like it though.