Today I feel like I need to write, but I am not sure how or where to start. So, I'll just jump in.
Today is a hard day. I feel down, I feel lousy and I feel like nothing I do is right. I'm feeling insecure and this leads me to feel like I need to control everything. It seems that everything I say upsets someone. It seems that all I am doing is making people angry. I am having a hard time getting past the negative things in my life to see the positive. I am feeling like there is nothing valuable about me. I am doubting peoples' sincerity when they say they like me. Rationally I know all of this can't be true, but I am having a hard time getting past it. And, anxiety has again become constant. I can feel myself wanting to be alone all the time as well. Even little things are starting to feel overwhelming again.
I don't want to feel like this. Today, however, I can't seem to shake it. Not just today actually.
I decided to stop my trial of going off the anti-depressants. Things have been steadily getting worse over the last bit. I feel the darkness closing in, I feel the big heavy cloud getting closer. And, that feels awful and scary. The way I feel, the thoughts I have been having and some of my actions scare me. I know where they lead. Today I started back on the full dose of the medication. I know it is not an instant cure, but hopefully in a couple of weeks I will be feeling better.
I'm disappointed. I was hoping I would be ok without the medication. But, I know that I am not. Today, the decision to go back on them feels horrible and overwhelming, signs for me that things aren't right.
Tuesday 23 July 2013
Friday 12 July 2013
Attitude
I had a great conversation this afternoon with a couple of ladies at work about attitude. As is normal right now it was about the recent flooding around here. One of the ladies was flooded. The other, like me, has been helping the best she can.
We were talking about how the attitude, for the most part, in Calgary has been pretty good. People are helping, those affected are doing ok. It is hard and stressful for sure, but generally things are getting done. The co-worker helping has been out at some friends place in High River. She said the feeling there is depressed. People are struggling.
We got to talking about the difference in leadership. The mayor of Calgary has been doing a great job. He hasn't sugar coated anything, but he also is not complaining or being rude. You can see that he really cares about what is going on, about the people. He said at one point his role was 1. safety 2. courage and morale and 3. to get out of the way of people doing the work.
In High River the mayor hasn't been as effective in his communications. And there is a fairly high profile MLA (provincial representative) who lives there that has been doing a lot of complaining.
We were talking about how these things have to have an effect on people. The leadership in both places seem to be managing the best they can. But, one is working on showing what the community is made of. The other has been complaining. Now, I know this is over-simplifying things and I am not saying it is the whole explanation. There are lots of other factors to be sure.
However, I truly believe this is a contributing factor. Attitude. How you look at adversity. How much you look at the impersonal "government" to help, or how much you believe in the community to help. How much you celebrate the small successes, whatever they are, or focus only on what is not working. How much you can keep a sense of humour in really tough circumstances.
All of this applies to the floods, but it also applies to life. For me it does anyhow. I notice that more and more of late I am choosing to stay away from people I know that focus on the negative. It's not about putting my head in the sand and sugar-coating life, but it is about choosing to put myself in situations where the attitude is good for the soul and doesn't drag me down.
We were talking about how the attitude, for the most part, in Calgary has been pretty good. People are helping, those affected are doing ok. It is hard and stressful for sure, but generally things are getting done. The co-worker helping has been out at some friends place in High River. She said the feeling there is depressed. People are struggling.
We got to talking about the difference in leadership. The mayor of Calgary has been doing a great job. He hasn't sugar coated anything, but he also is not complaining or being rude. You can see that he really cares about what is going on, about the people. He said at one point his role was 1. safety 2. courage and morale and 3. to get out of the way of people doing the work.
In High River the mayor hasn't been as effective in his communications. And there is a fairly high profile MLA (provincial representative) who lives there that has been doing a lot of complaining.
We were talking about how these things have to have an effect on people. The leadership in both places seem to be managing the best they can. But, one is working on showing what the community is made of. The other has been complaining. Now, I know this is over-simplifying things and I am not saying it is the whole explanation. There are lots of other factors to be sure.
However, I truly believe this is a contributing factor. Attitude. How you look at adversity. How much you look at the impersonal "government" to help, or how much you believe in the community to help. How much you celebrate the small successes, whatever they are, or focus only on what is not working. How much you can keep a sense of humour in really tough circumstances.
All of this applies to the floods, but it also applies to life. For me it does anyhow. I notice that more and more of late I am choosing to stay away from people I know that focus on the negative. It's not about putting my head in the sand and sugar-coating life, but it is about choosing to put myself in situations where the attitude is good for the soul and doesn't drag me down.
Friday 5 July 2013
Another step
Well, after 2.5 years I am starting a new adventure. I talked to my doctor this week and have decided to try stopping the anti-depressants. The process is to take 1/2 the dose for 6 weeks. If I don't notice any difference then to stop taking them at that point.
I have mixed feelings about this decision. I want to try because if I don't need to be taking medications then why take them? But, I'm scared. I was in bad shape for so long before I started taking them that I am scared that I will crash that badly again. Rationally I don't think this will happen, but I am still scared of it. It's hard to remember that I am not in the same place I was then.
Why now you might ask? I have done a lot of work in the last 2.5 years to figure things out and to learn new tools to manage. At this point I don't think that more time is going to make me feel any better. I am still learning and growing, but that process isn't making me feel better. If I think this is it, this is "normal" for me, then it is the time to see if I need the medications to control the symptoms. Also, it is summer, which is a better time than winter.
I am going into this with eyes wide open though. I know there is a possibility that in order to manage the depression I will need to keep taking them. There is also a possibility that I won't need to keep taking them. I'll never know until I try.
I have mixed feelings about this decision. I want to try because if I don't need to be taking medications then why take them? But, I'm scared. I was in bad shape for so long before I started taking them that I am scared that I will crash that badly again. Rationally I don't think this will happen, but I am still scared of it. It's hard to remember that I am not in the same place I was then.
Why now you might ask? I have done a lot of work in the last 2.5 years to figure things out and to learn new tools to manage. At this point I don't think that more time is going to make me feel any better. I am still learning and growing, but that process isn't making me feel better. If I think this is it, this is "normal" for me, then it is the time to see if I need the medications to control the symptoms. Also, it is summer, which is a better time than winter.
I am going into this with eyes wide open though. I know there is a possibility that in order to manage the depression I will need to keep taking them. There is also a possibility that I won't need to keep taking them. I'll never know until I try.
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