Bullies

A Facebook friend was telling a story today about an adult bus driver bullying her 5-year old daughter, including berating her for crying after the adult had been yelling at her for awhile. Today someone at work sent me an email that had a not at all veiled threat in it. Not to my physical safety, but basically a "help me or I will go above you" threat. And I've been experiencing a lot of triggers and flashbacks to times in my life where I am been on the wrong end of bullies, especially one of my bosses at a previous workplace.

The thing is that so often what I see about bullying is aimed at helping the person on the wrong end of it cope
 There is little to help people stop the bully. My experience has shown that this is a particular problem in the work place. Instead of dealing with the inappropriate behaviour, it seems that managers are more inclined to try to find ways to make ot easier to deal with the bullying, but all this does is reinforce the idea that the target has done something wrong, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I know that is a lot of places paperwork needed to deal with inappropriate behaviour is ridiculous and I can see how that might deter people from addressing the issue. Managers can deal with the targets as there is no disciplinary or corrective action needed as they haven't done anything wrong. In almost every case of workplace bullying I have heard of it ends up being the target who moves on because no one will do enough about the buly to make the situation tolerable. This is just wrong.

Ok, so I am a bit all over the map tonight. Where do adults get off bullying children and then telling them that it is unacceptable behaviour? Where do adults get off bullying other adults and then shifting the blame to the one they are bullying? What makes a person think that being SO mean is an appropriate way to be in the world?

Found it

After I wrote my previous post last night I was still bothered by what it was that was really bothering me, what it really was that had set off the trigger reaction. For me, finding the source of things is essential to figuring out how to move forward. I knew it had to be something at work, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  The new job is hard, but there is really nothing about it that seemed to be the issue.

Today I found the source. It was something at work. There was something that happened last week where some people were very disrespectful to me, all in the name of helping me.  And that's the piece that felt familiar in a dangerous way. That's the piece that made my brain feel like I needed to go into protect mode. That's the piece I need to deal with. I know this is the piece because I feel calmer already, which is also the way my brain works. I do much better with the known than the unknown.  That's how the workplace bully tried to spin her ridiculous behaviour, that she was helping me. Ha, not.

This situation is different, and I somehow need to convince my brain of that.

Here we go again

It's been a tough week. I felt low and depressed all week. There are lots of things that come along with this: low energy, lots of sleep, lack of desire to eat even though I feel hungry and a reduced ability to problem solve. All things that feed the next and make me feel like I am in a never-ending circle. Add to that the stress of a new job and whoa.

It's been a scary week in some ways because my brain has gone to some dark places that it hasn't been to in a long time. I was driving around today and the thought occurred to me that it would be super easy to use my car to harm or kill myself. I didn't think it was a good idea, but it still scares me when I head down that road.

So, as I always do when I feel down, I started analyzing what is going on with me. Is there anything particular making me feel like this? It seems this time it is a mixture of things with the biggest one is trauma triggers. Again. Trauma really does mess with your head.

The new job is good and going well, and it is also causing all sorts of triggers for me. The same old feelings of needing to be perfect, of needing to be on top of everything all the time, of needing to never make a mistake, of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop any time. All of this because the traumatized part of my brain says that if I make a mistake or don't measure up to some crazy standard that I create that it is dangerous, that something awful and unsafe will happen to me. Because in the past it has. In more than one situation, but the work one is the one that has the most influence right now.

I can't convince some parts of my brain that the danger is over, that I am no longer in that situation and that those old ways of keeping myself safe are no longer useful.  That part of my brain takes the parts of this job that feel familiar to the traumatic situation and goes there, over and over again. The thing is the parts that are familiar are not bad at all and my current work situation is not dangerous.  And I have other, healthier ways to keep myself safe. I know so much more now than I did then.

Triggers really are tough. It's like reliving the same horror again and again. For me I think this is why I sleep so much when I feel depressed as it is relief from the horror and darkness. The usual things that make me feel better don't have the same effect either. For example I went swimming today, and while it helped a little it wasn't the same. My brain certainly hasn't got to a point of believing the danger s over. At times like this week it feels like it is lurking everywhere, even when rationally I know it is not. This kind of thing is crazy-making for me.

I generally don't like the expression "battling depression" as it makes me feel like I am battling myself and that feels horrible. This week though it has felt like a battled between logic and trauma, between rational and depression. And I can observe it, but I am also living it. No wonder I try to find relief.

I have no real idea of what to do with all this. I do know this though, realizing that this latest darkness has at least something to do with past trauma at least gives me a place to start.  I also know that there is a way through. I will confess though that today I wish it didn't feel so hard.