New Years Eve reflections

It's New Years Eve.  It's the time of year when everyone seems to reflect on the year that was and so I will so the same.  2011 was one of great challenge for me.  Right at the end of 2010 I had my diagnosis of depression.  This totally freaked me out, but somehow I managed to start on the medications I needed to help me get better.

Last New Years Eve I spent with my parents.  Mainly because they were two only the only people I could handle being around.  I was struggling so much.  The thought of being around strangers was impossible.  Even the thought of being around friends was nearly unthinkable.  My parents on the other hand was doable.  We were also waiting for news as my sister was in the hospital on labour-inducing drugs so we were waiting for my nephew to make his way into the world.  It is much better to be waiting for that kind of news with others who are waiting as well.  (For the record my nephew arrived the next morning).

Throughout the year I have worked very hard at learning to live with depression.  I have also faced so many of the causes of it, or as I sometimes put it, faced many of my demons.  Faced many of the things that were causing me hurt and pain and well depression, or at least contributing to it.  This process sucked quite frankly.  It caused me to feel hurt, sorrow, sadness, angry, regret, pain.  It made me shed many tears, swear a lot and sometimes wonder if it was worth it.  It made me look inside myself and let go of so many things I had been carrying around.  Even now, looking back on the process, I am close to tears.  So often in the moment it didn't feel worth it.

Slowly, as things started to get better I was able to see my life in a different light.  Anti-depressant medication  certainly helps.  Depression causes a vicious circle.  It makes it hard to problem-solve, which makes it hard to see things in a reasonable light, which makes the depression worse, etc...  The medication serves to stop the cycle by stopping the depression.  It allowed me to start to use the logical side of my brain again.  It allowed me to see solutions, to see what was causing me to feel like I was, to know that things would get better.

I also experienced other things this year that I haven't experienced in a really long time.  Peace, calm, joy, happiness, connectedness.  While so many of my actions were meant to protect me from pain, they also cut off emotions in general.  Feeling the good emotions is part of the package of feeling the bad ones.

Where am I now?  Today I feel good.  It amazes me that I can even say that.  I'm not scared of it anymore.  I don't feel like I am tempting the fates to say that.  I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop.  So much of this is that for me, feeling good is more about being connected to myself.  Knowing how I feel, recognizing my value and asking for my needs to be met.  It means feeling my emotions, being open to joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness.  And so I say I feel good.  I have days where things are all good, I have things where things are all bad and some that are in between.  But, and this is a big but, I am no longer numb.  I am valuable because I am me and I am learning to act this way.  I am alive and living instead of existing.

What does 2012 bring?  I am not all the way better.  I know that I still have moments when the depression and anxiety take over.  I know there are still things I need to deal with and sort through to really know myself.  I have faith that I can do this.   I will continue to take the world one day at a time. I have faith that I will continue on my path of healing.  I have faith that I will continue to feel good.

This year I didn't hate Christmas

For many, many years now I have hated Christmas.  I am bad at figuring out what presents to get for people and it always seemed stressful.  I always felt pressure to get the right gifts, with the "right" wrapping, send cards, go to all the parties, decorate, etc...  I also always thought that if I didn't feel that "magical" Christmas feeling then somehow I failed.  Nearly every year for the last few I have had a major build-up of anxiety and panic attacks leading to Christmas.  No wonder I hated it.

This year I let myself be.  Gifts were what they were.  Wrapping was what it was.  I went to a couple of events and not to a couple of events.  I didn't worry about not decorating.  Ultimately I did what was good for me.  It made Christmas way more fun for me.  I didn't feel that "magical" feeling and that's ok.  I didn't have a panic attack either so progress.  In the end I was myself and that made all the difference.

Maybe in the future I will feel like decorating, you never know.  Maybe some year I'll feel the feeling again, I can hope.  These things are not crucial.  No one dies if I don't do it.  If other people don't like it, well that is really their problem and not mine to solve.

Creativity

This Christmas I made part of the presents for a few people.  Some silly craft-like bits.  Some of them turned out better than others.  For example I tried to make something that looked like a football for my dad, not such a big success.  My mum's silly jigsaw worked out pretty well though.

In the end, it was the creative process that was good fun.  Thinking up the ideas, planning and putting those plans to work was a good time.  And a good sign.  I used to like to make things, be creative.  When the depression got so bad I had no desire or drive to do any of it.  I really didn't even feel the creative juices flowing at all.  They are still flowing a bit like molasses, but at least they are starting to move.  For me creativity is an important part of feeling good about my life.  I am thankful that, that process is starting to come back.

Good sign

I went for lunch with my team at work this afternoon.  It was a lovely afternoon.  I work with good people.  While I was there I noticed a big difference in the way I was acting to what would have, at one time, been normal for me.  Usually at those kinds events I was almost manic, the "life" of the party, and in a lot of ways vying for attention.  Or, the other option was to be quiet and totally checked out, grumpy, depressed etc...

Today I was totally connected, totally present, but quiet for the most part.  I participated some, but in an attention seeking way.  I laughed when it was funny and really was aware of what was going on.  I liked the feeling.  I really am not the "life of the party" type underneath it all.  I also like to be checked in.  It felt, in a lot of ways, like me.  Really me.  These types of statements still give me a whoa kind of feeling as I am still having trouble internalizing it all.

Thoughts on Christmas

Yesterday my family had an early Christmas party.  I was in my parents house thinking how different the day was from last year.  Last year it was all I could do to get out of bed, I was on sick leave from work and had just started on the anti-depressants (which made me feel awful).  My brother-in-law and dad kicked all the women out of the kitchen as my mum had a cast on her foot and my sister was 9+ months pregnant.  I was barely coping, barely going, barely functioning, really barely alive.  For the week after that I slept at least 14 hours a day.

Yesterday I kicked my mum out of the kitchen at one point.  I felt engaged and connected to the people around me that I care so much about.  I felt alive.  I loved watching my nephew try to sort out what it all meant.  I loved feeling a part of my family.  I was happy and a part of everything.  Such an amazing place to be.

These contrasts are good for me to remember because when I have bad days now, I can see how far I've come.  I remember what it was like then, and I see how things are now.  It's still amazing to me that things can be as they are now.

I didn't go to my Xmas party

I didn't go to my work Christmas party this afternoon.  In the past I would have been the first one to buy a ticket.  Today I didn't feel like going.  The truth is that I don't really enjoy those kinds of activities all that much.  Why did I always go then you may ask.  I was hiding from so many things.  I was so depressed, but of course no one would suspect it of the life of the party.  I had so much pain inside, but that is easy to ignore when you are busy being chipper and happy.  At least you can do this for awhile.  I didn't want people to know how much I hurt, how depressed I was.  Frankly I didn't want to admit it to myself.  So I found ways to hide, ways to be the opposite of how I really was, so I could lie to myself and convince myself I was fine.  Today I didn't go to the party, and for me this was a success.  I am tired of hiding.

An anniversary of sorts

One year ago today I made the grueling decision to ask my doctor for anti-depressant medication.  My counsellor had suggested it the day before and just the thought of it nearly did me in.  It's funny, that decision had to be made when I was least able to make it.  One year ago I never would have believed that there was beauty, happiness, joy, peace or love in the world.  I was numb to feelings, unable to cope with my world, not really eating, barely surviving every day.  It's been a year of pain, hurt, anger, tears, joy, happiness, peace and most of all rediscovering love.  I'm truly amazed at how different my world is today compared to one year ago.

Some one told me that she wouldn't wish depression on anyhow, but she was glad she went through it because she came out the other side loving herself. My counsellor told me that one day I would be writing about being happy on this blog.  Truthfully I didn't believe either one of them.  I had no frame of reference to believe that things could get better.  And everything seemed so hard.  But they were both right.  I find myself doing things that show myself love and for the most part I am happy.  This is mind-blowing for me, truly hard to wrap my head around.  It's been one year since I decided to really get help, to really admit that I had depression and anxiety, and to finally start on a journey that allows me to be in the world.  I feel alive these days.  Some days are hard, some are easy, but I am connected to my life.  I feel happy, sad, nervous, calm etc...  I am grateful that someone pushed me to get the help I needed, even if it was brutal at the time.

Good People

I have some good people in my life. I am starting to be able to appreciate them more and more as time goes on and as I get better.  People who have supported me even when I have been difficult to be around.  People who inspire me, have taught me, share with me, make me laugh, cry with me, celebrate with me, accept me for who I am etc...  For so long I really couldn't see past the end of my nose.  Everything seemed hard and dramatic and everything was some one else's fault.  Negativity was also a mainstay in my world.  I know now that these are symptoms of depression.

I now can see people for who they are and really start to appreciate the good things about them, instead of always seeing the negative things.  I smile when I think of their jokes, I smile when I think of the amazing company they are, I smile when I remember how supportive they have been.  I hurt when they hurt, I laugh when they laugh.  I am blessed by so many people in my life and the newfound ability to see and appreciate this.

Not needing approvals

There have been some hard things happen in my life of late.  Things that require grace, respect and assertiveness on my part.  Things that it seems other people don't want to accept, handle or understand.  Things that in the end I know I am right about, no matter what other people want to do with it.  I've been feeling out of sorts and my self-confidence has been pretty shot because of other peoples reactions of late.  I've been telling myself over and over again that, that is their stuff and I am not responsible for it.  But, I am struggling still with that.  While I perhaps know this on some level, I am still struggling to really internalize it.

I like approval, I like people to agree, or to get what I am trying to say.  When they don't, I take it personally, even when I know that I did my best and did the right thing.  Guess this is a lesson for me to work on.  It's really hard though.  It's a habit with me.  And for so long I believed that other peoples approval was all that mattered.  My own thoughts on things were irrelevant.  I'm starting to this isn't true, but when it comes to hard things where I really have to take a stand, I still end up feeling pretty crappy in the end.

Who am I?

There are moments lately when I say or do or decide something and the next thought I have is who am I?  I am off to a dinner tomorrow with an optional gift exchange.  I decided not to participate because I don't love those exchanges.  This is only one example.  Really, underlying it is that I pay attention to me and make decisions based on what I want, not what I think other people expect.  I hardly recognize this person who does these things.

This is such a change for me.  I suspect for a lot of people though this is how they live.  It is certainly a nicer way to live.  I used to resent it when I would do things because I felt obligated to do them.  It really felt like other people were controlling my life.  I am learning that, that is a choice.  I can choose to let them, or I can take charge of my life.  Mostly it's not as dramatic as that makes it sound.  But it does mean less stress as I don't worry about some of the little things.  If I had to go out tonight and get a gift and figure how to wrap it etc etc I would be feeling a lot of stress right now as those are things I don't enjoy.  Instead I am relaxed and I will enjoy the gift exchange from the sidelines and be totally ok with that.

As I get better from the depression I often wonder if this is what it is like to live without depression.  I have no concept really of what living recovered from this disorder means.  What I do know is that I like my life and myself a lot better now than I have probably ever, or at least for a very very long time.

Being beautiful

Today I have been feeling rather out of sorts.  The past week has been stressful and I haven't taken the time to stop and figure out how I feel and what I think about the whole thing, and my actions as part of it.  When I did, I was actually spurred me onto a whole different topic.  Apparently my brain works in mysterious ways.

For a lot of my life I judged my value on my accomplishments.  First it was school and then when that was over it was work.  It turns out, that for me, this is not a very good foundation for believing I have value and deserve good things in life.  It also was a bad way to look at things when my previous job didn't turn out all that well.  I couldn't find any value in me.  Not believing I had any value definitely contributed the depression.

Today I did some personal writing about how I see myself and how I want to see myself and I will share the flavour with you.  I wrote about how I am beautiful and perfect the way I am.  Who I am is so much more important than what I accomplish.  To me how I treat people, how I interact in the world is what I see as important.  And ultimately I am me and this is exactly what matters.  I deserve love, respect, caring etc... because of that and really there doesn't need to be anything else.  I will make mistakes, I will do beautiful things, I will bring joy and I will bring sadness.  This is the nature of being human.  All of these things make up me and I am beautiful.

A mood

Funny how things can affect you when you don't even notice.  I was out to play dodgeball tonight and noticed how very aggressive I was feeling.  Before the game, lots of swearing which is not my usual style.  And during the game I was very aggressive, well for me anyhow.  The events of the last week are still having an effect on me I see.  However, dodgeball is a great place to get out some difficult emotion and some aggression as the whole point of the game is to throw things at other people.  Hopefully now that things are getting sorted out at work I can process the whole experience and feel more settled again.

Positive effects

I have had the privilege in the last while of seeing what effect this blog, and the changes in me are having on other people.  I have been getting to know a new friend of late.  She also lives with depression and is lesbian.  Because I had been open about these two things, and shared this blog with her, we have had some amazing discussions.  Honest, frank and mutually supportive.  I am grateful to have been a part of them.  I believe it is helping her, and it sure is good for me.  I am able to discuss some of the things I have learned and see her perspective and take some of her lessons into my life.

The other concrete example is with my dad (sorry if this is a surprise to you dad).  We have not always been very good at communicating with each other in a constructive manner.  I know I had unfair expectations of him, and we didn't really know each other very well.  I really can see this is changing.  I am learning to take him for who he is and as I do this, I appreciate him more and more.  Yesterday we had a conversation that, to me, was good.  And my observation is that it really had a lot to do with knowing each other better.  I have been more open with my struggles and I believe that understanding is helping him and me both really communicate.  (As I write this I am feeling the tears of gratitude starting).  I have always felt that there was better way for us to be around each other and it seems like we are starting to get to this place.

People have said to me that my willingness to be brave and share my story has helped them be braver.  I am glad for this.  The other thing I really notice is that by being more engaged in my life people react differently to me.  Sometimes this is hard.  Some of my relationships with people are built on mutual unhappiness, or a desire to hide our real selves.  With these people, things are harder.  With other people where the foundation is a good place (even when it was long ago) I am finding my relationships getting stronger as I am more able to share of myself and often that allows the other person to share also.

How it feels

I stood up for myself big time this week.  I can't tell you yet how the story ends as it is still evolving, but suffice to say that things are going to be ok.  I can however tell you it felt for me to do this.

So, any of you who have read most of this blog, you will know that so much of what has been problematic for me has been not being able to stand up for myself.  Not feeling like I was worthy enough to say no when things were not good.  And letting other people treat me really badly.  As you will have guessed from the last couple of blogs someone tried it again with me this week.  I stood up and said no.  This is not right.

Even writing this blog I am getting really emotional about having done that.  It was so difficult for me.  It took everything I had in me to do this.  And I'm still recovering from the shock of the whole thing.  Things have been better for me of late, but I hadn't had to do anything this tough.  I'm in awe that I could do it and sad that it was so hard.  The thing is that I know without a doubt it was the right thing to do for me and I am totally willing to take whatever consequences happen.  My intuition was telling me to go a certain way, and I did.  In the short-term this is hard for me to handle and process and deal with.  I know that in the long-term it will pay off.

To me this is what it is like to really love myself.  It's the little things I do everyday, but it is also doing something big and hard and something that some people probably won't think is the right thing to do.  But, the bottom line is that I am only responsible to me.  I have/had to do the right thing for me.  Ok, I'm in tears now.  Must stop.  Tears of so much emotion.  Fear, love, awe, sadness etc...