Stigma

I realized something about me and stigma the other day.  I was talking to a co-worker.  I know her well enough, but we don't often talk about really personal things.  In the course of the conversation I said something about the anti-depressants I am taking.  It just came out before I had a chance to think about it, filter it or worry about what her reaction would be.

Not so long ago there is no way I would have said this to her.  While rationally I knew that the stigma around mental illness and depression is only that stigma, emotionally I didn't really believe it.  Actually, as I write this I realize that I am still not 100% there.  On some level I still feel weak, I still feel like there is something I could do to make this better.  I still have trouble accepting depression as an illness.  I still have trouble accepting me, all of me, the way I am.  I'm not sure I have ever admitted this out loud before.  Amazing what writing will make me realize.

This is not where I was expecting this post to go.  Instead of the good news story I was prepared to write about, I now have something I need to sort through.  This realization has left me very anxious - which is my usual emotion when I don't know how to handle something, when I don't know the outcome.  I have learned in the last 3 years however, that these moments are not the end of things, but the beginning.  Admitting to the things that are hard for me usually is the start of coming to terms with them.

There is a good news story out of this though.  Firstly, I am more comfortable with me than I used to be.  This is evidenced by the conversation I had the other day.  Secondly, my own beliefs about depression are out in the open now.  I can start to face them instead of having them buried and coming out sideways.

Wishing

Some friends of mine got married today.  I am so happy for them.  But, it makes me sad for me. For the most part I am ok with being single, but there are times when it is hard to take.

I think about how long it's been since I had a date.  How long it's been since I've even felt interest in anyone.  It's a side of my life that I often wish was different. Coming out was hard, but it seems that meeting single lesbian women is also hard, for me anyhow.  It's pretty tiring to be out meeting new people all the time.  It's tiring to go to big social events.  And, these are the only ways I seem to be able to meet lesbian women.  Maybe there are other ways?  Not that I am aware of.

I've always said that I am ok being single and I would rather be single than in a bad relationship.  The second part is certainly still true.  A lot of the time being single is also fine, but there are certainly moments.  Some days I wonder what is wrong with me and why I can't meet people.  Other days I can see it more objectively and know that it is just circumstantial.

I know that I have changed a lot in the last few years.  I know that what I am looking for in a partner is very different from what it used to be (the coming out aside).  I feel like I am better equipped for a relationship now than I have ever been.  I am certainly more in tune with who I am, what matters to me and what I am interested in.  Maybe it'll happen some day.  You never know.

Worn down

Work this week has worn me down.  Too much of a lot of things.  None of them on their own would have been any big deal, but there were just too many of them for me to manage.  It scares me when I feel so overwhelmed.  A bad week and the slide to depression feel the same.  Rationally I know that bad weeks are normal and that they will just happen.  Emotionally this is hard to internalize.

Remembrance Day

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada and a similar kind of day in so many other countries.  It is a day we remember those who have fought in wars to keep our part of the world free and safe.  This freedom hasn't come without a cost.  I've always known this but this year it is striking home a little bit more.

I have recently been getting to know 2 Army veterans (both in their 40's), both medically released because of mental health injuries from deployments.  I am really starting to see how the experiences they had affect them, and will forever.  There is no full recovery, only ways to be better, manage and hopefully move on.  The treatments they have will help them manage the symptoms of their illnesses.  Funny how when things become more personal they affect us more.

Thinking of the sacrifices makes me sad.  It makes me sad to live in a world where war seems to be the only answer.  Where violence is so prevalent that more violence is the only way to combat it.  Where crazy people somehow get to be in charge and affect the lives of so many people.  Where dictators kill their own citizens.   Where people lay down their lives to procure freedom for others.  Where we seem to forget that those that come back alive still have seen some terrible things.  Where we honour sports players and movie stars with tonnes of money and veterans are homeless, often due to their injuries.  Where we notice the physical injuries and do what we can to accommodate them, but the invisible injuries not so much.

Today I remember all those who fought for the freedom and safety I have today.  I honour all those who believe that this matters and are willing to give everything they have, including their own lives to protect it.

Negativity

Where to start? I have been struggling again of late with all the negativity around me. Part of being me is to feel others emotions along with them. In many circles this type of person is called an empath and I am starting to see that I am one of them.

Part of my healing process has been to recognize what is my emotion and what emotion belongs to other people. I am getting better at this.

Lately though I notice that all the negativity around me is creeping in more than I would like it to. Truth is that I find it very overwhelming when this happens. There is a lot of negativity in the world in general, lots at work of late and other things that are not appropriate to describe in a public forum.  I am really taking it all in. I am having a hard time coping with it and letting it go.

It scares me when things start to get this overwhelming. It feels way too much like when things  were bad. It feels like the precarious balance I think I have found in my life is not there after all.