For the first time in a long time I am doing a little bit of Christmas decorating at my place, or as my mum called it putting my humbug away. And frankly she's right.
For a number of years I have tried to avoid Christmas and all that comes with it. The parts that I couldn't igmore made me anxious and more unhappy than I already felt. Why you might ask? I've asked myself the same question. There was nothing particularly wrong with the Christmas celebrations in my life and really no obvious reason that I did my best to avoid it.
But there was a subtle reason. Depression. Complete and utter lack of ability to see why I was miserable and how to make things better. And a lack of self-esteem and confidence from depression and trauma.
I felt that to "properly" celebrate Christmas I needed to love every minute of it. I also felt that I had to keep up with some people in my life who love Christmas. Those people decorate their houses amazingly and do all the baking and hosting etc... I love that about them. But feeling like I had to keep up with them was paralyzing.
The depression and trauma also made it so I couldn't see that there was a choice to do things in a way that makes sense for me. I couldn't see that I had options, let alone figure out what those options were. And so I was a humbug. I thought I hated Christmas, well really for a few years I did. I always felt like I was letting someone down because I couldn't be the perfect Christmas person. My perceived expectations was impossible to meet and so I was miserable.
It's taken me a few years of feeling better to really get a handle on what makes sense to me and I am pretty sure this will evolve. This year though I put up a little tree, a stocking, a couple of decorations, and some outside lights. That is enough to make me happy. Not a lot of fuss, but enough to feel festive. Next year who knows?
Sunday 21 December 2014
Tuesday 9 December 2014
Uncertainty
Boy time flies sometimes. I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 6 weeks. Anyhow on to today's post.
I started a new job yesterday. Same company, but a new position. The last time I started a new job was 6.5 years ago, almost to the day. I had forgotten how difficilt it is to move from a place where it is comfortable, where the routine is the same everyday, where for the most part you understand what your day is going to look like. Then to move to a new floor, a new unit, a completely new topic area that you know nothing about, new people, new routines etc...
I've learned through this that there are some kinds of uncertainty that are easier for me to handle than others. The part about being new and needing to learn the job is difficult and mentally tiring for sure. Biu it isn't causing me a whole lot of anxiety. What has caused me the most anxiety, so far anyhow, was when there were complications to do with the job that made it unclear if the job was going to happen. Once that was all sorted out, the logistics of the physical move gave me a lot of anxiety. And the final piece was needing to have a chat with my new boss about expectations.
When I look at the things that I would call triggers for me, I guess none of this is really surprising. The bully that was my boss at a different workplace, didn't do a lot of things that she should have and I got the blame somehow. Also, navigating the relationship with a new boss because you really just never know how that will go. And again I have had one horrible experience and a couple of bad ones. I guess it is no wonder that the things that felt completely out of my conteol caused me anxiety. And figuring out my bosses style does it too.
The upside is that while this whole process was definitely difficult on me, I managed to recognize that it was tough. And that there were certain aspects that were hard on me. I also managed to do a few things to mitigate the uncertainty. When my old boss offered to try and find out what was going on because she needed to know also, I let her. I asked the person in charge of the move for the things I needed. And I had a chat with the new boss this morning about expextations, hers and mine. All of these things were dfficult, but I did them.
And I can see in the way I am interacting with the new folks that I am able to portray that I am new and need help because I don't know, without being apologetic or insecure about that.
It's nice to see some of the work I did on developing coping tools paying off. I am still dealing with some anxiety over the change, some of which is probably normal. But instead of going for a tailspin, I am finding ways to cope.
I started a new job yesterday. Same company, but a new position. The last time I started a new job was 6.5 years ago, almost to the day. I had forgotten how difficilt it is to move from a place where it is comfortable, where the routine is the same everyday, where for the most part you understand what your day is going to look like. Then to move to a new floor, a new unit, a completely new topic area that you know nothing about, new people, new routines etc...
I've learned through this that there are some kinds of uncertainty that are easier for me to handle than others. The part about being new and needing to learn the job is difficult and mentally tiring for sure. Biu it isn't causing me a whole lot of anxiety. What has caused me the most anxiety, so far anyhow, was when there were complications to do with the job that made it unclear if the job was going to happen. Once that was all sorted out, the logistics of the physical move gave me a lot of anxiety. And the final piece was needing to have a chat with my new boss about expectations.
When I look at the things that I would call triggers for me, I guess none of this is really surprising. The bully that was my boss at a different workplace, didn't do a lot of things that she should have and I got the blame somehow. Also, navigating the relationship with a new boss because you really just never know how that will go. And again I have had one horrible experience and a couple of bad ones. I guess it is no wonder that the things that felt completely out of my conteol caused me anxiety. And figuring out my bosses style does it too.
The upside is that while this whole process was definitely difficult on me, I managed to recognize that it was tough. And that there were certain aspects that were hard on me. I also managed to do a few things to mitigate the uncertainty. When my old boss offered to try and find out what was going on because she needed to know also, I let her. I asked the person in charge of the move for the things I needed. And I had a chat with the new boss this morning about expextations, hers and mine. All of these things were dfficult, but I did them.
And I can see in the way I am interacting with the new folks that I am able to portray that I am new and need help because I don't know, without being apologetic or insecure about that.
It's nice to see some of the work I did on developing coping tools paying off. I am still dealing with some anxiety over the change, some of which is probably normal. But instead of going for a tailspin, I am finding ways to cope.
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