A colleague, not one I knew well, but one I have talked to on numerous occassions, was charged this past weekend with murdering his wife and hiding her body since last November. Pretty freaky really.
So, they say that one trauma is likely to open up other past trauma. Living with PTSD, I know well how this works. Today this happened to me. It is funny where the mind goes. For me, it was to my 1st year at university, living in residence. One of the guys in rez, from my floor, took his own life over Christmas vacation. The university did precious little after the fact. Well 10 months later they sent in grief counselors. And in the first week back from vacation they told us not to talk to the media.
Today the opposite happened. There was a counselor on sight all day and he held a number of group and individual sessions. I guess this is the part that triggered the old trauma.
I remember the feelings of confusion, disbelief and sadness when it happened. I also remember the feeling that nobody cared. Not about him, or about the effect of his actions on us. Hard things to process. Today I knew that people cared about the effect this was having on people.
I am ok this time. The one thing about going through the process I have been through with depression, trauma and PTSD, is that I am so much more aware of what I feel and need. Yesterday when I read the news, I contacted my sister and my parents. Today I rearranged a meeting to be able to go to one of the group sessions. Little things maybe, but the things I needed to do to take care of me.
Not that many years ago I would have felt like I didn't deserve to have any feelings about this as I didn't really know the guy. I would have thought that I didn't deserve to take the time I needed to do some things that are good for me. What an amazing difference for me.
Monday 6 July 2015
Saturday 4 July 2015
Not helping ourselves
I hate the term "coming out of the closet" or the shortened versions "coming out" or "out". It is used as short-hand for "when did you tell the world you are gay/lesbian?" I am sure it it used for other people on the sexual spectrum as well, but that is out of my realm of experience and therefore I will stick to what I know.
Why do I hate the terminology? Mainly because, even though things are changing, it continues to speak to shame. It still says that people whose sexual preference is not heterosexual need to tell the world about this side of themselves, and that this side is something that was hidden in the proverbial closet. Something to be kept a secret. Something to be ashamed of.
This terminology is pretty ingrained in our society, both with those who are gay and straight. When I first started going to events and getting to know other lesbians, the first question was almost always about when I came out. (As an aside this is a real turn-off for me and a big part of the reason I don't participate in many of those events). Sometimes the question was asked in a way that was meant to be kind and supportive. In those instances the response to my answer of recently was usually kind. In some instances, the question was asked so that the person could feel good about themselves as they had been "out" longer. The term "baby lesbian" was condescendingly used a number times.
So, why can't we just be who we are? Do I want some people in my life to know I prefer women? Absolutely, mainly so I can talk about who I am freely, and maybe they can set me up? The thing is though that is only a part of me, in the same way I like to cycle and knit are parts of me.
I am sure the terminology will continue to prevade for a long time to come. Used in a way that is not meant to illicit shame is fine with me. I hope this is becoming more and more the norm, in all circles. Everyone, gay, lesbian, straight or something else, has their own journey. Sexual preference is one of those steps.
Why do I hate the terminology? Mainly because, even though things are changing, it continues to speak to shame. It still says that people whose sexual preference is not heterosexual need to tell the world about this side of themselves, and that this side is something that was hidden in the proverbial closet. Something to be kept a secret. Something to be ashamed of.
This terminology is pretty ingrained in our society, both with those who are gay and straight. When I first started going to events and getting to know other lesbians, the first question was almost always about when I came out. (As an aside this is a real turn-off for me and a big part of the reason I don't participate in many of those events). Sometimes the question was asked in a way that was meant to be kind and supportive. In those instances the response to my answer of recently was usually kind. In some instances, the question was asked so that the person could feel good about themselves as they had been "out" longer. The term "baby lesbian" was condescendingly used a number times.
So, why can't we just be who we are? Do I want some people in my life to know I prefer women? Absolutely, mainly so I can talk about who I am freely, and maybe they can set me up? The thing is though that is only a part of me, in the same way I like to cycle and knit are parts of me.
I am sure the terminology will continue to prevade for a long time to come. Used in a way that is not meant to illicit shame is fine with me. I hope this is becoming more and more the norm, in all circles. Everyone, gay, lesbian, straight or something else, has their own journey. Sexual preference is one of those steps.
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