My Way

For the first time in a long time I am doing a little bit of Christmas decorating at my place, or as my mum called it putting my humbug away. And frankly she's right.

For a number of years I have tried to avoid Christmas and all that comes with it. The parts that I couldn't igmore made me anxious and more unhappy than I already felt. Why you might ask? I've asked myself the same question.  There was nothing particularly wrong with the Christmas celebrations in my life and really no obvious reason that I did my best to avoid it.

But there was a subtle reason. Depression. Complete and utter lack of ability to see why I was miserable and how to make things better. And a lack of self-esteem and confidence from depression and trauma.

I felt that to "properly" celebrate Christmas I needed to love every minute of it. I also felt that I had to keep up with some people in my life who love Christmas. Those people decorate their houses amazingly and do all the baking and hosting etc... I love that about them. But feeling like I had to keep up with them was paralyzing.

The depression and trauma also made it so I couldn't see that there was a choice to do things in a way that makes sense for me. I couldn't see that I had options, let alone figure out what those options were. And so I was a humbug. I thought I hated Christmas, well really for a few years I did. I always felt like I was letting someone down because I couldn't be the perfect Christmas person. My perceived expectations was impossible to meet and so I was miserable.

It's taken me a few years of feeling better to really get a handle on what makes sense to me and I am pretty sure this will evolve. This year though I put up a little tree, a stocking, a couple of decorations, and some outside lights. That is enough to make me happy. Not a lot of fuss, but enough to feel festive. Next year who knows?

Uncertainty

Boy time flies sometimes. I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 6 weeks. Anyhow on to today's post.

I started a new job yesterday. Same company, but a new position. The last time I started a new job was 6.5 years ago, almost to the day. I had forgotten how difficilt it is to move from a place where it is comfortable, where the routine is the same everyday, where for the most part you understand what your day is going to look like. Then to move to a new floor, a new unit, a completely new topic area that you know nothing about, new people, new routines etc...

I've learned through this that there are some kinds of uncertainty that are easier for me to handle than others. The part about being new and needing to learn the job is difficult and mentally tiring for sure. Biu it isn't causing me a whole lot of anxiety. What has caused me the most anxiety, so far anyhow, was when there were complications to do with the job that made it unclear if the job was going to happen. Once that was all sorted out, the logistics of the physical move gave me a lot of anxiety. And the final piece was needing to have a chat with my new boss about expectations.

When I look at the things that I would call triggers for me, I guess none of this is really surprising. The bully that was my boss at a different workplace, didn't do a lot of things that she should have and I got the blame somehow. Also, navigating the relationship with a new boss because you really just never know how that will go. And again I have had one horrible experience and a couple of bad ones. I guess it is no wonder that the things that felt completely out of my conteol caused me anxiety. And figuring out my bosses style does it too.

The upside is that while this whole process was definitely difficult on me, I managed to recognize that it was tough. And that there were certain aspects that were hard on me. I also managed to do a few things to mitigate the uncertainty. When my old boss offered to try and find out what was going on because she needed to know also, I let her. I asked the person in charge of the move for the things I needed. And I had a chat with the new boss this morning about expextations, hers and mine.  All of these things were dfficult, but I did them.

And I can see in the way I am interacting with the new folks that I am able to portray that I am new and need help because I don't know, without being apologetic or insecure about that.

It's nice to see some of the work I did on developing coping tools paying off. I am still dealing with some anxiety over the change, some of which is probably normal. But instead of going for a tailspin, I am finding ways to cope.

Stigma

Sone days I think that with all the work people are doing to end the stigma around mental health is working. I see the stats that say that the stigma is still going strong, but I so rarely see it in my own life that I find it hard to believe...and then somethimg happens to shatter my illusion.

Recently I told someone that I have been feeling a bit low and that it feels like a depression dip. His answer was effectively to look at all the people that have it worse than me and to snap out of it because my life is pretty good.

At first I was angry about the reaction, and in some ways quite frankly I am surprised that this reaction came from this particular person. But, after some time I am not so angry, but it does make me realize that there is a lot of work to be done.

Depression is not just feeling down. If I could snap out of it when I feel that way, I would. It's not that easy, but boy do I wish it was.

So, what will I do? I will keep talking and not letting stigma and ignorance push me into hiding. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is not something I chose, nor is it something I brought on myself. All I can do is live the best way I can every day and try my best to help others in the ways that I can.

When Bad Things Happen

This week has been a tough one for most Canadians. An act of terrorism occurred in Ottawa this week. A soldier was killed, the parliament and most of downtown was locked down for hours. The whole country was affected and shocked.

So, what about me? Unexplainable acts of violence are so difficult for me. I think it is difficult for a lot of people for sure.

I am what the psychologists call a highly sensitive person, or other people call an empath. This means that I feel things with other people more than the average person. In some situations this empathy is great. It helps me to connect with people in their joy and sorrow. It let's me understand other people on a different level.

Not only do I have depression, I have some PTSD. I have been the target of unexplainable acts of violence, mainly psychological, but violence none the less.  These kinds of acts are certainly triggers for me.

And so, when horrible things happen I have a hard time. I feel the horror, the fear, the confusion, the anger. I feel how close I am to being overwhelmed by it all, which has happened not so long ago.

I am horrified by the acts of the week. I did however manage to find ways to take care of myself through it all. I checked on my friends. And then I took a break from the events. The news and twitter stories were the same over and over again, so I shut them off. I went to play dodgeball. I know that without taking care of myself there is nothing I can do.

I know that any kind of violence will continue to bother me a lot. I will continue to look for ways to keep myself ok through it.

Rhythym and Noise

In a documentary I watched a few years ago Clara Hughes described her experience with depression as a difference between connection and disconnection. This really struck a chord with me.

For me when things are good it seems like my life flows, there is connection and rhythym. It feels to me like a drum circle. Then there is depression. The noise then is more akin to a toddler using the pots to drum. But maybe not even that because that process is still fun for the toddler. The noise is probablu better described as nails on a chalk board. Unpleasant and makes you cringe.

These days I experience both of these states. It amazes me though how long I lived with the noise only.

Sadness and renewal

I found out this morning that a colleague passed away last week.  This news makes me sad.  This was a woman who helped me a lot when things were so bad with me.  We would go for coffee and she listened to me and cared.  She offered books and websites that had helped her in her life.  I didn't always agree with her thoughts or viewpoints, but there was no denying she was a kind soul.  It makes me sad also that her grandson, who is probably around 4 will not have a chance to really know his grandmother.

Whenever someone dies at what seems to be too young, it strikes me that life is fragile.  I remember someone once saying to me that we all assume we have time, but in reality lots of people don't make it to old age.  I've known enough people that haven't made it there that it certainly makes me think.

So, what do I do with this?  It always reminds me that I need to live my own life the best way I can because you never really know what will happen.  This is my mission anyhow, but if I can use a sad event to motivate me again, then some good comes out of it.  I will once again look at really is important to me and evaluate if my life is honouring those things, or if it is caught up in something else that I don't care so much about, but feel stuck in.  This to me is what is important.

Living according to what I think is important is the only way I can think of to make sure that I make the most of this one life I have.

Signs

Today was the Pride parade where I live.  That combined with a conversation I had with a friend from my high school days last week has me thinking a lot about being gay.  When my friend and I got talking about it she told me she knew, or at least the thought has occurred to her.  She said I didn't seem interested in boys like everyone else.  She also said when I got really involved in church it seemed like I was really hoping that it would "take".  These are similar things to what I can see in hindsight.  Interesting that she saw them in the moment.

I am still often amazed at my own powers of deception.  It seems I wasn't able to deceive those around me that knew me well, but I was certainly able to deceive myself.  In all those years, more than one person asked me if I was gay and I said no.  I remember every time having crazy anxiety when they would ask the question.  I also remember faking thinking boys were interesting when I was a teenager. But, I thought that was normal.  I thought everyone was faking it, just to fit in.

When I started going to church and getting really involved, it didn't feel fake, at least not in the moment.  I truly thought I was there because I believed in God and Jesus and the whole Christian message.  There were times when I wondered what was wrong with me, but they were few and far between.

Don't get me wrong, the thought occurred to me several times also, but I managed to brush it off, to convince myself it wasn't true.  But, every time I had a boyfriend I remember feeling a sense of relief, that the world wouldn't question me anymore.

And so, I deceived myself. When I look back, what seemed normal in the moment, seems so not normal to me now.

My goal all along this journey with depression has been to live authentically and honestly with myself.  Coming to terms with my sexuality was a big step in that process.  Learning to be honest with myself was an even bigger step.

And so, I will live the rest of my life knowing that I like women and not men.  This might be a harder path as far as far as fitting in in some circles in society.  But, it is an easier path than lying to myself and feeling like there is something wrong with me everyday.

The Elusive Sweet Spot

Lately I have been in a funk. I feel like there is very little in my life that gives me energy or passion, makes me feel alive.

I read an article a bit ago that was talking about challenge and skill level. It said that when you get a challenge that gets you right to the edge of your ability, that is the sweet spot. That place where the challenge takes up all of your concentration and skill, but is still in the realm of your ability to do it. I've also heard people say that it is at the edges of your ability that growth happens.

When I first had that diagnosis of depression, I was terrified. I really felt like the challenge was way beyond my ability to handle it. In the beginning it really was. Everything was so overwhelming and so I was exhausted. Of late, it feels like my ability has surpassed the challenge.

From the perspective of recovery, of learning to live with depression, this is really good place to be. It does leave me with capacity for challenge. Between the years when the depression was so bad and then the years of learning to live with it, it has been a long time since I have been in a place to look for challenge.

The truth be told I don't know anymore what it is I need to do to find that passion or aliveness. And so the funk.

Change

There is something in my life that needs to change. Something that is really dragging on my soul and happiness. I've been thinking a lot lately about this.

The challenge for me is whether or not to do the safe thing and make the change that way or take a risk and a big leap of faith. In my life I have generally done the safe thing and actually lived to question that decision a few times. But then, the risky thing is just that, risky.

I feel a bit like there is a tug-of-war going on inside me. The part of me that values security is making one argument, while the side of me that values happiness is making the other one. Anyone have any thoughts to share?

Trauma

I have been doing a lot of reading about trauma of late as it is time to address mine. I am a survivor of workplace bullying. I haven't said those words out loud very much out of fear. Fear of the reaction I might get. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear of believing that somehow saying the words will make me damaged goods and not likeable or employable. But, they are my truth. And the experience was traumatic and I am still dealing with the aftermath.

I haven't been in that workplace for a few years now. The truth is I am finally feeling strong enough to face things. It's interesting that the whole reason I started getting help once I left there is because of what happened there. And yet I have spent a long time now dealing with so many other things. I can see now though how much I needed to be at a certain point to be able to deal with the trauma.

I've been thinking also of how mental health challenges are still really rather taboo. So many people have encouraged me to keep this trauma quiet, for so many reasons. I appreciate the concern, I really do. But, keeping quiet and not acknowledging my own truth makes me feel like somehow I was to blame, or I should feel ashamed or guilty. The thing is, it did happen. And I am not to blame. If there are people who think this makes me damaged or unemployable, then that is their loss. In order for me to live and get back so much of what I lost, I need to start being ok with my life. All of it.

Things that make me happy, that maybe shouldn't

I went to the doctor today to renew my prescription for my anti-depressant.  Normally my doctor gives me a little over 3 months worth and then I go back to see him to do it all over again.  There was a replacement doctor there today and she gave me 6 months worth of a prescription.  Oh joy, oh bliss.  One less trip to the doctor's office.  Strange how the little things make you happy.

Relating

When I hear about a suicide it is hard not to relate. Especially when the person is reported to have had severe depression. This evenings social media sights are filled with news of Robin Williams death, apparently by suicide.

The thing is I do relate. I relate to the darkness and pain that makes irrational ideas seem rational. I relate to the hopelessness of that place where there doesn't seem to be any way out and you know you just can't stand it for another minute. I relate to the despair that leads to thinking of the only way you can see to end the pain.

Because, the thing is, I was one decision away from taking my own life. I was so stuck in a horrible place and I had no idea how to make it end. I didn't know where to turn, how to make things better. Thankfully in that horrible dark moment I remembered the people that love me and I knew I couldn't do that to them.

Things really can get better. That day was 6.5 years ago. It has taken time and a lot of hard work, but things really are very different now. There are so many great moments that I would have missed out on. So many amazing conversations, so much connecting with other people. And now when things get hard I do know where to turn, how to make things better.

And so, dear readers and friends, don't be alone. Call someone who loves you. Call someone who cares, and that includes me. I have learned that hope exists even when you can't see it for yourself. That is the time to let other people be strong for you and hold onto that hope.

Letting go

I was telling a friend recently about the person in my life who is frustrating me with their behaviour (see previous post). He said something that struck me. It was one of those moments that happen when you least expect it, one of those casual conversations that in the end mean a lot.  He sais his whole reaction to the situation would be to say that when this person is ready to act like an adult and talk about things that I would be ready to talk. Until then screw it, I am carrying on with my life.

I am grateful for this reaction. It really made me realize that I have been letting this person have a lot of my mental energy lately. In some ways that is ok as I am learning to navigate differently in the world. But I know I also have a tendency to get too focused on something amd can't seem to let it go. Likely this is part of the anxiety that for me comes with depression. Anyhow, my friend's words gave me the kick I needed to get out of the rut.

He's right. This isn't my thing to deal with right now and I have a life to lead. A life that, in the main, doesn't need to include this person. Really we only get one shot at life and I want to live mine.  Life really is too short to worry about the crap other people want us to take on.

So thank-you my friend.

Staying away

We've all had advice to stay away from people we don't like.  We've all had people tell us to weed out the negative people from our lives.  We've all had people tell us to only be around those people that make us feel good about ourselves.  For most parts of our lives this is good advice.  But what do you do when that is not an option?

What do you do when you can't get the toxic person out of your life?  How do you deal with someone you don't like, respect or trust?  What do you do when you are expected to work things out? How is that even possible?  How do you let the past bad behaviour go?  How do you believe it when they tell you they will be different, even when your own experience tells you otherwise?

This is my world right now.  It's so hard on me.  I'm angry because I feel thrown into this position and I feel like others are expecting me to solve something I didn't create and really isn't mine to solve.  Why is it my problem when the other person is the one acting badly?  Why should I keep making an effort when they haven't shown any sort of willingness to even meet me half way?  Why should I keep banging my head against the wall?  I have made an effort and I am getting the silent treatment back.  It seems unfair and unkind to me to keep trying when they will not try.  And it seems like everyone is so busy trying to stay neutral that no one will be on my side, even though I am the one getting bashed about for no good reason.

How do I handle this?  I don't know.  I know though that this kind of situation is really hard on my mental health.  It brings up all sorts of past trauma.  It makes it hard for me to focus on the good things in my life.  And so my friends and readers, please tell me you are on my side.  Tell me you still like me and love me.  Tell me that you believe me when I say I didn't do anything wrong and this other person is the one being terrible.  Because right now, I need to know there are people on my side, people who have my back.

Tolerance vs. Acceptance

I read a blog post today about tolerance vs. acceptance and it got me motivated to put into words something that has been in my head for a bit.  I was in Toronto a couple of weeks ago now and had an interesting experience (on top of having a great trip).  There is a neighbourhood there called Church-Wellesley.  As I understand it, it is otherwise known as the gay neighbourhood.  There is an LGBT community centre and evidence all around of rainbow flags and acceptance of gay people.

As a lesbian it was interesting to be in a place where it was so accepted.  There is no such neighbourhood in Calgary where I live.  I am sure this is partly due to the size of the city, but also partly culture.  In some ways I really enjoyed being in the gay neighbourhood in Toronto.  In  other ways it was strange to me.  My reaction wasn't what I expected.

I thought I would be happy to be in an area where I would be totally accepted for who I am.  And I was, but on the other hand I felt like I shouldn't need a few block area to tell me that who I am is acceptable.  This isn't a knock on Toronto, or the community there.  I know that for so many people being gay feels unsafe and it must be nice to have a place to go where it feels safe.  Maybe it is a result of figuring out my sexuality in my 30's.  Maybe it is coming to terms with my sexuality while coming to terms with depression.  I don't care as much about a lot of things that I used to, especially what other people think.  Not sure I have the answers, only a feeling, and one that surprises me.

Anger

We live in a world where anger is looked at negatively.  But the truth is, there are times when I am glad I have a bit of a temper.  Anger has saved me from a lot of really bad situations.  It has made me fight back and stand up for myself.  Many time in the past the anger has been rage so the fighting back has been ugly.

Something happened today that made me angry.  Really angry.  I was able to express that anger in a much more constructive way, and also use the anger to enable me to not get sucked into the wrong conversation.  To stand up for myself and say that the way this was going was wrong.

Dashed

For the last 2 weeks there has been an Amber Alert out for a 5-year old boy and his grandparents here where I live.  Today the police announced they are charging someone with 3 counts of murder.  It is hard for me to fathom.  Writing is so often my outlet for things, and this has been rattling around my head today.

A city on edge.
Hoping against hope.
Praying.
Knowing that the hope might be for naught.
Knowing that the prayer might be for naught.
And yet continuing on.

Trying to ignore the voice in your head
That says, if they are alive, why haven't the police found them.
Trying to ignore the terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach
That grows stronger everyday.
Wanting so badly to be wrong, so wrong.

Thinking, it will be ok.
He's with his grandparents at least.
He's not alone.
They are ok.
It's one of those weird stories where they are stashed away.

And then you hear the Amber Alert is cancelled and the police will update soon.
And the hairs on your arms stand up straight.
The feeling in the pit of your stomach gets worse
You feel tingly in an eerie way all over.

And then, you know.
You know the truth.
You want to throw up
You want to scream
You want to cry
Anything, anything.

And all that goes through your head is how
How can anyone do that?
To other people?
To the kid who was there my fluke.

Families destroyed.
How does the family go on?
How do the parents cope?
How do they raise 2 other kids who deserve a normal life?
How, how, how?

A city in mourning.
Sadness and anger abounds.

To the families of those killed, my heart goes out to you.

Raw

I feel cracked open wide.  And raw, totally raw.  You know when you get a sore spot on your tongue and you can't stop rubbing it against your teeth, even though it hurts?  That kind of raw.

Yesterday I started to address the previous workplace trauma in my counseling session.  I opened the lid on the box that has been nailed shut for the last 6 years.  It was brutal really.  But the thing is, the box was so full that things were coming out the sides, in weird way.  Hopefully by taking the lid off I can relieve some of the pressure.

It took all of my courage to start talking about all of it. I didn't really know what I was going to find in the box, but I was sure scared of it. I felt like I was going to be sick I had so much anxiety.  I could barely speak, barely get started.  I'm working on not being so scared of it.  On remembering that I have tools now that I didn't have then.  That I have medications to help control the depression and anxiety.  That I can handle this.  This last one is a harder sell to be sure.

It was such a terrible time in my life that it is hard to relive it, hard to talk about it and explore it.   I haven't done much of that at all since it happened.  There is so much hurt, so much anger, so much sadness, so much despair, and so much desperation there.  When I think of at all I am actually not sure how I managed to keep going, how I managed to much of anything at all.

They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I'm not sure that is true.  Time has given me a chance to get in a better place to handle it all, but it certainly hasn't healed any of it.  Talking about it, looking at it as the person I am now instead of the person I was then, that is what I think will help, at least I hope so.

Stampede Parade reflections

I went to the Stampede Parade yesterday.  I loved watching the crowd as it gives such a good indication of the city where I live.  Some thoughts/observations.

I went to the parade with 2 women from work.  We had a great time.  As I took a moment to reflect, I realized that in some parts of the world the three of us would never be allowed to meet, let alone hang out together.  One woman is Chinese from Malaysia.  One is a francophone, black woman from Quebec, and I am a gay, white women from Alberta.

Watching the parade was cool.  I liked seeing the kid in the cadets with a turban.  I like seeing the differences among the Canadian, American, Australian and Taiwanese marching bands.  I liked seeing people from all walks of life, all backgrounds, sitting next to each other cheering, laughing, clapping and yahooing at the same things.  I liked watching the kids put their names in chalk circles on the street to see who could win "horse poop bingo" (this is a long-standing tradition).  What I liked the most was realizing again that we are all the same inside, no matter what we look like on the outside.

And this is what I love about Canada.  We all get the chance to meet each other.  There are people from all over the world and yesterday was a celebration of all that is good in everyone's culture.  What a great way to start a 10 day party.

Shame where it belongs

After I wrote the last couple of posts about being bullied at a previous workplace, something started to shift. It was shame. Ever since I was in that workplace I have been carrying around shame for what happened. This shows up in blaming myself for a lot of things. In thinking "if only"...

I also haven't talked a lot about what happened, not here, not in counseling, not with friends. I have been living in fear that if I talk about it, someone will blame me, like the powers that be at that workplace did. But all the fear and not talking do is to perpetuate the idea that I was at fault.

That the problem was that I couldn't handle things and that meant there was something wrong with me. That I was struggling and therefore I needed to change who I am.  I believed this thinking for a long time. I suspect on some level I still do. But things are shifting.

I didn't do anything wrong. This was not my fault. Did I have a hard time? Sure. Did I have a couple of reactions at work that I wish had been different? Sure. But ultimately I was in a very dangerous and harmful situation and I was doing what I needed to in order to survive. That is all. No shame, no blame, just survival...and that was all I could manage then, and for a long time afterwards.

I think that I needed to get stronger in order to face this. It is really hard. I think I must be strong enough now because I am looking at it more deeply than I have let myself before.

And so bully, and so powers that be, and so others not willing to do something, this is me putting the shame.back on you. Where it has always belonged. You are the ones that created this situation and you are the ones that had the power to make it better and wouldn't. The shame is yours.

Cracked open

I've been thinking a lot about my trauma from workplace bullying a lot the last few days. I guess this is what happens when you crack open the parts that have been hidden and sealed off for a long time. I thought I had dealt with what happened in that workplace. Turns out I was wrong, or at least partially wrong.

I have let myself be extremely angry with the bully's boss and with a few other people who refused to do anything. And I had myself convinced that this was enough. The truth is I haven't processed my feelings about the actual bully. I haven't felt safe enough to go there. Wow, crazy effect that kind of mentally dangerous situation can have. I'm still having trouble making myself face it because I am scared of what I am going to find. I am scared to open up that box again.

I know it was a horrible time for me and so much of me just wants to forget it. But, if I have learned anything about myself in working on recovery from depression, it's that I can't forget things like that. I can pretend I have, but eventually it catches up with me. The other thing is that I know the stuff I haven't dealt with is affecting how I react to things today, and it is making me react in ways I don't like all that well.

I know that I will tackle this, but it is going to take time. I think I need to go slow so I can convince myself I am safe and exploring these emotions is ok.

Crawling out of my skin

After I wrote the last post I was struggling. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Like my skin wasn't big enough, like my apartment wasn't big enough, like I needed more space to deal with the emotion in me. So I went for a walk.

When I started I was walking fast, clenching my fists and feeling reckless. I walked by the liquor store and thought how satisfying it would be to go in and smash a few things and steal a few things. Reckless.

It took 45 minutes and about 20 blocks before I started to feel better. Amazing what kind of energy that amount of tough emotion can generate.

Trauma

Trauma is an interesting thing.  It really can, and does, play havoc with your brain.  They say that trauma experienced from bullying (or any other kind of trauma where it is prolonged) plays a different kind of havoc than one-time short-lived trauma.  Either way our brains don't cope well.

Today, I had a counseling appointment.  It was tough.  I realized again how much trauma from previous workplace bullying that I still carry around.  Add to that my counselor thinks I am a highly-sensitive person. (This is just a fancy way of saying what I have known for a long time. I take in other peoples emotional energy much more than the average person).  Add these two things together and you get a tough situation.

I have been struggling with the depression since the beginning of the year.  It's better now, but I am still having my struggles.  Much of this is related to work right now.  So, here's the trouble with trauma.  When something happens at my current workplace that  resembles the things that happened before, I have major emotional flashbacks.  I get so overwhelmed with the emotion I can barely function.  And this scares me, a lot.  And so, I try really hard to leave a lot of myself at the door of work.  The part of me that reacts to things this way.  The sensitive part of me.  The empathetic and caring part of me.  Any part of me that feels at all vulnerable.

Oof, what and exhausting way to live.  And on top of that, I can't really leave part of me at the door.  So, practically what this looks like is pretending a lot.  Putting on a mask and being someone different than who I really am.  It's a vicious circle though.  The more I try to do this, the worse I feel and the worse I feel, the worse I feel and the more I try to do this.  And ultimately it makes me hate my workplace for things that aren't even happening there.  I start to feel like it is the old situation all over again, when that is not true.

So, how to break the cycle?  How to convince myself that the trauma is old and that the current situation is not the same?  How to remember that I survived that trauma and did the best I could?  How to remember that I am different now?  I know things I didn't know then?  I have treatment for depression?  These are the questions my counselor asked me and questions to which I don't seem to have any answers right now.  And yet, I need to find some answers.  If I can't figure this out, no matter what job I am at, this will happen.  Sigh.  Trauma is nasty stuff.

This and That

I have a couple of  things in my head I want to write about, and I can't find a theme between them, so here is the disjointed post.

A couple of weeks ago I had an interesting experience.  I ran into someone from my group therapy while I was out with my mom and my nephews.  It is the first time I have run into someone from there since the group ended last December.  I didn't really know what would happen.  I happened to see the woman from a ways off and was curious to see when we got closer to each other.  When she came closer I looked in her direction and smiled.  She didn't look at me at all.  It was obvious that she knew I was there and that she was making a point of making it seem like she didn't see me and didn't know me.  It was interesting to be that intentionally ignored.

Today is the one year anniversary of the big flood that affected so many people last year.  And, it has been raining here all week. It really is a city on edge right now.  High rivers, run-off and some flooding is a pretty common occurrence in June.  Major devastating flooding is not common.  We've all been keeping an eye on the rivers this month.  A few towns have been affected this year, but so far, nothing really out of the ordinary. But, the tension is certainly there.  I notice myself having a lot of conversations about last year.  I think as a city we are all processing it all over again.  I feel for the people who were affected last year as I can imagine that their anxiety of the rivers this year must be high.

Mental health is so important to me.  I hope that the conversations are helpful to all of us.  I hope that the people who need more assistance are getting what they need. This is a tough situation.  It was an event that affected everyone in this city, whether they were directly affected or not.  It was an event that we will not forget any time soon.  

I like what our city government is doing.  They have declared tomorrow neighbour day in an effort to celebrate the amazing response to the flood.  They are encouraging people to have BBQ's, block parties etc... to celebrate their neighbours and communities.  It's pretty cool.

Trauma and Strength

I was cleaning out my spare room today and I came across a box that was still taped up from my move 6 years ago.  It said memories on the top, so I thought it would be pretty tame.  I was wrong.  Inside I find a bunch of stuff that was obviously hastily packed.  A bunch of stuff from my last workplace, before I moved to a different city.

I did not have a good experience at that workplace, and I still carry around a lot of trauma from it.  When I first opened the box and saw what it all was, I has a major dose of anxiety.  At first I  figured I would just throw everything out and not have to deal with it, ever again.  As the day progressed though, I realized that I couldn't just throw the physical reminders away and never have to deal again.  The strong reaction I had, told me that there is still a lot of emotional turmoil.

I also am stronger and better equipped to deal with the trauma than I was 6 years ago.  So, I dug in.  I made myself look at the stuff I had found.  It was hard to start, but as I got going it wasn't as hard as I expected.  It was still tough and anxiety provoking to be sure, and some of that is still rattling around in me. It did make me realize how much more I can handle now than I could then.

A couple of things out of this.  The first is to remember that I can handle a lot of things that I might at first think that I can't.  The other thing is I am more able to give myself a break for staying in a toxic situation for way too long.

Fragility

Recently a friend told me that he feels vulnerable telling people he has depressiom because of the stigma. I get that. Feeling vulnerable makes me feel fragile. When I think about it there is something bigger than stigma that makes me feel vulnerable though. That is the fragility of feeling ok.

For now I am feeling ok. But I know how quickly that can change. All it takes is a week or so of complacency about the things I know I need to do for my mental health.

The month of May I let those things go. I didn't take time to sort through my emtions and they piled up and then came crashing down on me. I didn't take time to write or think or just be. By the end of the month I was feeling pretty low. Actually not that low, but crazy anxious. The other sign that things were off the rails was the instant rage at silly things. Mainly road rage and sidewalk rage (on a regular week I walk more than I drive). For me this is generally difficult emotions coming out sideways.

For me, mental health is a fragile thing. Something to take a lot of care with.

Clara's Big Ride

I saw Clara Hughes in person this weekend as part of Clara's Big Ride.  For those who don't know, Clara Hughes is one of Canada's most decorated Olympians, winning multiple medals in both the summer (cycling) and winter (long-track speed skating) Olympics.  She is also a HUGE advocate for mental health.  She is currently riding her bike around Canada to raise awareness for mental health and to help end the stigma associated with it.

I would have liked to have met her at the event, but there just wasn't enough time.  I started though to think about what I would like to say to her if (and hopefully when) I get to talk to her in person.  What would I say to this person who in some ways in bigger than life, but in other ways is out there sharing her struggle with depression, talking about the 2 years she could hardly get out of bed.

At the beginning of the event there was a video talking about how mental illness doesn't discriminate.  At the end a bunch of different people came on and said "I could be one of them" and then Clara Hughes was very last saying "I am one of them".  At that point I wanted to stand up and cheer and say "Me too".  You see, the thing about depression is that it can be totally isolating, make you feel like garbage and like no one out there understands.  Connection is so important.

So here is this woman in front of a gym full of people, and by all counts up to about 50,000 people by that point in the ride, saying that yes, she struggles.  Here is this larger than life person, who was at the top of the athletic world, saying shortly thereafter she couldn't get out of bed.  Here was this person saying that she too struggles with some of the things I struggle with.  Rarely has anything made me feel so brave about my struggles.  Rarely has anything made my want to help that much.  Rarely has anything made me feel so much like it's ok to have this illness.  It's ok to talk about it.  And, I already talk about it, even though it is hard.

I  wonder how many people she has reached who are too scared to talk about it.  I wonder how many people have been able to use this ride to start a conversation with someone that they otherwise would not have known how to?  I believe she is doing a good thing.  She is opening up doors for conversation and help that were not there before.  She is inspiring people to know that help exists and that there is another way, other than the suffering.

And so, what would I say to her?  All this and more.  I would love to talk about her experience, what it's like to be the face of mental health for Bell Let's Talk.  I would love to just have a conversation about life, about my experience too.  In the mean time, I will have this conversation with the people in my life.  I will use the energy I found at her event, the connection I felt to move forward in my life.

Thank you Clara Hughes and team for making this ride happen.  Thank you for raising awareness and giving people a sense of connection and hope.

Relief

Funny how I don't always realize how much things are bugging me until they are no longer bugging me.  This is often true for me, but it really hit home today.  I found a lump in my breast recently, and it was/is extremely painful. I tried really hard to pretend like everything would be fine and that I wasn't worried about it, but I was.

Today I saw my doctor and he was pretty convinced it is a cyst and nothng to worry about. I will go for some tests next week just to be sure. Once he told me that though, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I knew I was worried about it, but I didn't know how much until I didn't have to worry anymore.

Funny, as I write this I wonder if it is a subject that will make some people uncomfortable...the talk of breasts. Then I realize that this whole blog is about a topic that might make people uncomfortable. So many people don't want to talk about mental health...or breasts. And so I share in an effort to change those things.

Why

Why do I feel so crabby?
Why do I feel so tired?
Where did the energy go?
Why don't I sing in the kitchen anymore?
Why do I only take time to play with my nephews?
Why don't I have a tea party with my dolls?
Why don't I race cars around my living room?
Why don't I draw and paint and colour with abandon?
Why don't I dance and twirl around?
Why do I always feel so serious?
Why do I feel like I need to be grown up all the time?
Why did I lose my sense of creativity?
Why did I lose the spark?

Small things

Recently I have done a couple of things that show me that all the work I have been doing is paying off. Really they are pretty small things, but not for me.

A couple of times recently in meetings with my boss she said something that didn't sit quite right with me. Both times, a few days later, I asked her about them. I know my boss to be a forthright person and these 2 times proved the same. For me, asking her to explain the things she said was no small feat.

In the past I would have ignored the feelings that bothered me and then got angry because I felt them. This anger likely would have been directed at me and at my boss. Eventually with enough of these moments I would blow up. I know, it happened a couple of times. Add some undiagnosed depression in and it was a bad situation. Especially since excessive anger and inability to problem solve are 2 symptoms of depression.

I certainly didn't believe that I had a right to ask for an explanation or to express my concerns. I figured that other people always knew better. Also, after blowing up at someone, it is hard, actually pretty much impossible, to go back to the source of the problem rather than focus on the poor behaviour.

And so, I am happy to report that I talked to my boss. I felt like I had every right to ask her about the things she said. I was able to be curious about those things, rather than angry. There will not be a blow up as I am no longer concerned. I have an explanation and I have voiced my concerns. Our working relationship is exactly what it was before I asked, maybe better because we understand each other a bit better now. I know now that I can handle things this way, and for that I am glad.

Opinions

It was my birthday earlier this week and I turned 40. This may seem young or old to you. What I did discover though is that most people have an opinion about this birthday. This seems to be the case for other things in my life also. Mental illness and homosexuality are the two main ones.

I didn't set out to be an advocate for anything. But, often enough I find myself in discussions about these 2 things. It's ok, but also tiring. I care so much, and it is so personal. It can take its toll on my emotional state.

I often wonder if the people with the opinions remember that there are real people involved? That for the most part these real people are trying to live their live the best they can, just like everyone else.

What matters

I've been thinking a lot lately about what really matters to me. This comes a lot from some things at work that are making me evaluate what I want. (As an aside, nothing particularly bad at work, just those kinds of things that make you think).

I was really sick for quite some time. I had a really hard time coping with a lot of my life. The last 3.5 years most of my energy has gone to working on getting better, and finding a way to live better with depression. I still find I need to pay attention to this, but it doesn't consume all of my energy anymore.

So now, what so I want to do, how do I want to live my life, where do I want to put my energy? A lot of people I have been around in my professional life value a career very highly. I certainly work in a field where this is possible. Easy to value the next promotion, the next big project, the recognition etc... There is certainly an appeal to this. But, I have to say it isn't what I want.

I want to live. I want to have energy to experience all of my life, not just my professional life. For so long I felt like I was only existing and not really actively participating in my life. I want to feel alive. I want to experience my world. I want to be able to do the things that make me happy. I want to have adventures. I don't want to get older and say "if only". And so, knowing all this helps me put my career in a certain place on my priority list.

My current job enables a lot of the other things in my life that are important to me. When it is time to look at a change, it is good to know what I want from a job... and what I don't want. I am still figuring a lot of this out. I have made a start.

A sign of the times

I was at a first aid course the last two days. 2 days of talking about illness and injury and life-threatening situations. In the 2 days, there were exactly 2 mentions of mental illness, and ONLY because the instructor really like tangents. He once mentioned anorexia and once a drug overdose as a suicide attempt. And yet he spent an inordinate amount of time explaining how diabetes works.

It got me thinking about how we look at mental illness in our world. It seems to me that a first aid course would be a good place to have at least some discussion about mental illness as the effects can easily be life-threatening. No talk of what to do if you find someone who is talking about or threatening suicide or self- harm. These are important things and easily things first aiders might have to deal with. I know because I called 911 and watched others restraining someone who was trying to jump off a bridge. I know know mental illness is complicated, but I really believe a basic understanding is important for first aiders.

So, what does this say about how, as a society, we see mental illness? For me it says a few things. We see mental illness as different from physical illness. We also see mental illness as something we don't want to talk about. Only people affected by mental illness need to know about it. But, we are all affected I some way.

I don't know if mental illness will ever be covered in first aid courses. But I did make the suggestion.

The cost

I filled my prescription for another 3.5 months of anti-depressants today. I forget everytime how expensive they are. It really makes me wonder how people without extended health benefits do it. I only pay a small part of the cost and that seems like a lot to me. Don't get me wrong, the benefit of them os more than worth the cost. But still, it seems that it must be really hard for some people to get the help they need because they can't afford it.

So, there is a lot of talk this week (mental health week) about eliminating the stigma around mental illness. This is good. I this k another big issue we, as a society, need to address is accessibility to treatment for those who can't afford to pay.

Dark places

So far 2014 has been a challenging one for me, especially related to my mental health. Earlier this year it was so bad I had to take a break from work...really and life. It's a bit better now.

The biggest thing I have noticed is how easy it has been for me to end up in dark places. Those kinds of places that no one wants to talk about. It is painful and frightening in those places. And, when I am there it is so easy for me to be convinced that I don't know how to get out, that I don't deserve to get out, and things will never get better. Rationally I know that none of this is true, but it doesn't change the emotions in those places.

Often I end up in those places because I see the world in a certain way. I am not able to ignore, or act is if, the madness in the world. It has a huge effect on. One piece of news that hits too close to home and I am done for days. One conflict that is truly difficult for me and a bunch of my previous trauma is triggered. It seems that there has been so much negativity around me that I am taking on. I haven't been able to keep my balance in it.

I have been dealing with these places, for the most part, alone. I've been too scared to let people help me. That's part of the trick. Dark places are isolating as well. And so, I am trying to reach out about these things. Dark places are hard and scary, but I think it wouldn't be quite so bad if there were people there to lend a hand, or a shoulder or an ear. That might be just the trick to get of the mindset that I don't know how to get out of the dark place.

Talk about mental illness and mental health

I had an interesting experience the other day that made me think. Something about a new friends facebook posts made me wonder if he also was living with depression and anxiety. This week I asked him about it. He said yes, and that the only people that seemed to figure it out were those with depression and anxiety as well. This is what got me thinking.

I wonder if it is only people living with mental health challenges that notice or is it that those are the people that ask about it. I know it was a bit tough for me to ask him as I didn't want to intrude or assume, but I did it anyhow. I know that mental health is still an uncomfortanle topic for so many people. Me too sometimes.

So, do people not talk about it because of the stigma or because they are uncomfortable, ot they don't know what to say? Likely a combination of these things and a bunch of other things as well.

Talking is one of the best ways I have to feel ok. Knowing that people are there is so important. Showing care is really what makes a difference to me, and I don't worry about the content as much as the sentiment behind it. And so, I would encourage you all to talk to other people. If you suspect someone is struggling, ask them. You might be wrong, sure. But, you might be right and that might be just what that person needs. To know someone cares. And you never know, you might have an interesting conversation like I did.

Rollercoaster

It's been one of those days with a lot of emotional ups and downs, which might explain why I am exhausted. There was a terrible happening in Calgary last night. 5 university students were stabbed to death by what looks like another student. It makes my heart ache to think of the pain this has caused to so many people.

My friend told me that her teenage daughter cut herself again yesterday. That just breaks my heart.

I had a job interview this morning and a mentally tough meeting this afternoon. Both were exhausting. I feel good about the interview. No idea if I will get the job, but I really feel like I did my best. It was a cool feeling to come out of there really not worrying about the outcome. The rest is out of my hands.

Then I was reading Twitter posts about Clara's Big Ride, which.is all about raising awareness about mental health. So inspiring. If you don't know, Canadian olympic medalist is riding her bike around Canada raising awareness. Pretty cool. She is coming here at the end of May. Knowing that people are out there doing what they can to make things easier makes me glad.

So a day where I have been very aware of my emotions. The awareness in and if itself makes me feel good and helps me to see the progress I have made.

Violence

I just heard someone outside my window saying "then I'll just beat her up". I didn't hear the rest of the conversation, but the way the guy said that made me think. It made me think about violence, and how it affects me.

I am very sensitive to it. I remember once at university someone came to class and her face was all swollen. It really affected me. I have also been so close to it myself. I was in a relationship once where I nearly hit someone. I can't watch the news because all the violence in our world has a major effect on me.

My counsellor said she thinks I am a very sensitive person. This makes sense to me. I am sensitive to the energy around me. Even hearing someone talking about beating someone up is difficult.

In the book "Rilla of Ingleside" one of the characters takes a long time to enlist. Not because he doesn't believe in the cause, but because he is so sensitive to the pain and ugliness of war. I relate to this feeling. I try hard to avoid the violence in the world, or at least seeing it as it affects me so deeply.

Seeing the World

I had an experience this afternoon that make me think about how people see the world. I had two things happen at work this afternoon, one good and one difficult. I told 2 people about them. I started with both of them with "I have good news and bad news". One wanted to hear the good news first and the other the bad news first. Interestingly, in my opinion, the one who wanted the good news first generally has a more positive outlook on life.

This experience got me thinking about how I see the world and also who I spend my time with. I want to see the world in a hopeful way. I know that one of the signs of depression is negativity, and I certainly see it in myself when I am struggling. But, when I am doing ok, how do I want to see the world?

I don't  want to see the world in a jaded and cynical way. I don't want to assume that the worst is going to happen. I want to be open to possibilities. But I also want to be real and authentic. For the most part I manage to see the world this way.

As for who I spend mmy time with... I certainly find myself drawn more and more to people who are generally hopeful and positive. This hasn't always been the case in my life, although at times it has. To me it is a sign of healing more than anything.

Asking

Today I did something at work that doesn't quite seem real, although I know it is. The details aren't important. Let's say that I stood up for myself about something that really isn't working for me. Nothing bad going on, just not right for me. It was a really hard thing for me to do, but I did it.

Not long ago there is no way I would have been able to say anything. I would have been paralyzed by fear. Fear of what people would think of me, or say to me. But today, I didn't let that stop me. I did what I needed to do for me. Wow.

My new counsellor always asks what certain actions say about me...so here goes. I am brave, I value myself enough to ask for what I want, I care about being happy in my work place.

So often I have placed no value on my own needs and wants. So often I have let fear rule the day. Today I took my courage and used it.

Complaining

It is always interesting going back to work after a week of vacation. When I went in today I was feeling very mellow. I figured out what I needed to do and had a productive day.

I realized something though. People are wired to complain. I didn't care to hear the gossip or how someone wasn't doing what someone else thought they should do, and yet that is a lot of what I heard about. So much of the negative side of what happened while I was away.

Interestingly, this is stuff that I really don't ever care about and yet I find it so easy to get drawn into it. There is an allure to the gossip and focussing on the negative.

As I have been away from work a lot lately (mainly because I was so sick with a cold and the flu, but also vacation) I have noticed how much work affects me. I realized today that there is a lot of negative energy in my work place. Not everyone is negative to be sure, but a lot of people are. As I take in so much of the energy around me, I have certainly been taking in the negativity.

So now, the question is, how to manage going forward? So many of the circumstances that are leading to the negativity are not going away any time soon, and some people see the negative. It's just who they are. I am not too sure what to do, but hopefully I can find something that will help me.

The Flip Side

Today I we to again to see my new counselor. The session got me thinking about some things. So much of the therapy I have been in has been about exploring the hard stuff. This was very useful for me. But, it doesn't feel useful anymore. Thankfully this counselor is good with that.

I got to thinking that mayne it is time to think about the good stuff. I am afraid to go there though. Afraid that if I tell people I am starting to feel better that they will stop paying attention, stop asking how I am. The truth is that good or bad I still need places to talk stuff out sometimes. I need to keep paying attention to how I am doing. That is a huge part of why things are slowly getting better.

So, the good stuff. I realized today how many things I do differently now. I advocate for myself. I have learned where a healthy boundary is for me between caring about doing a good job at my job and giving way too much of myself. I have tackled some incredibly difficult things. I found my way out of some really bad situations. I have been courageous in learning to live with depression. I have been courageous in tackling my trauma and the after effects. I care about myself and sometimes I even act like it.

Ruts

Being stuck in a rut is no fun.  I know this in a literal sense from years of living in Edmonton.  More often than not at some point in the winter, the street I lived on would be a one-way street and you could only drive in the ruts.  It was often interesting as I had a small car and usually fairly bald tires.  I knew as long as I kept moving and kept in the ruts, I would be fine.  But then there would come a time when I would have to get out of the rut to get where I needed to go.  It was sometimes challenging, but over time I learned exactly how to hit the gas, turn the wheel, hold my tongue and close my eyes.  I got rather good at getting out of the ruts over time.

Lately I have been stuck in a rut, and it definitely isn't leading where I need to go.  The rut was my life.  Go to work, come home, stare at my computer and play silly games and feel sorry for myself, go to bed, maybe sleep if I was lucky, get up and repeat.  Day after day.  Once in while I would do something different, but it was generally the same.  I can see now that this rut was sucking the life out of me.  I wasn't doing anything I really enjoyed, I wasn't really engaged in my life.  I was in a role at work that I wasn't enjoying (which, thankfully is over now), and when I got home I didn't do anything to feed my soul.

I didn't even really notice I was in a rut until it was too late.  By then I thought I had no idea how to get out of it, like I was stuck there and depression set in again.  This starts the vicious circle as depression makes it hard to problem-solve, and to be creative.  Seeing a new counselor helped me some.  It made me start to pay attention to what was going on with me again.  Eventually I saw the rut.

What I had trouble remembering is that I know how to get out of it.  Do something, anything, differently.  Read a book, draw a picture, do a cross-word puzzle, do a jigsaw puzzle. Whatever it takes to change things up, even a little.  That is the way out. That is how it is done.  It doesn't have to be fancy, it doesn't have to be big, just remember that I know the way, I know how to get out of the rut.

And so, I bought 5 jigsaw puzzles.  You can see the first one in the last post.  A picture of the second is attached below.  This one went pretty fast as I have been home sick with the flu for the last week.

Doing the jigsaws has been helping.  I have also watched 2 movies and read 3 books this week.  I went 4 days without turning on my computer.  I used my tablet, but when I am using the tablet I am way less likely to spend a long time on it.

So, how do I feel now?  Still down, still not great.  But, better.  At least I feel like I am doing something and I don't feel so stuck.

A tiny bit of relief

You never know what will work and what won't when dealing with depression. Things have been pretty rough for a few weeks now. Some people call it a dip. I guess you could call it that as it is not as bad as before I started treatment. But it feels like a pretty low dip to be sure.

I've been struggling to figure out what I can change to give myself a shot at feeling better. Things don't usually get better until they get different.

Here is a picture of one of the things that has brought a small bit of relief. Doing puzzles is something I have always liked, thanks to my mum. But I haven't done a lot of them of late. I borrowed a puzzle from my mum and didn't do it. It was a picture that she like, but isn't very inspiring to me. So, try something new. I bought a few puzzles, ones that inspire me.

And so, it helps a bit. Doing puzzles gets me away from the computer, makes me use a different part of my brain and relaxes me, helping me sleep.

Things are still rough, but at least I have found one thing that shines a crack of light through the darkness.

How things really are

I have been struggling a lot in the last while. I feel down, overwhelmed, and unable to cope. I also was having a really hard time admitting that I need help, again.

I am exhausted by it all. I feel worn down. I just want a rest from it. If I read those three sentences from someine else, I would probably think they are struggling with depression and might benefit from some help. Why then is it so hard for me to see it when it is me?

I did take some constructive steps. I went to my doctor. I took a week off work to get some rest (although I have been so sick with a cold that I would have been off anyhow). I went to a new counsellor. Hopefully these things will help. Hopefully I can find that spark again. Hopefully the darkness will lift.

I will admit that at the moment I am not feeling optimistic, but that could also be because I feel so lousy.

How can you help? Check in with me, that is the biggest thing. Ask me how I am, but only if you want the true answer. When I feel like this, that is what I need. Places to be honest. I have a tendency to isolate when I feel lousy. Help me to not do this.

Feeling awful

Feeling awful
Struggling so hard
Nothing is making it better
So hard to admit I need help again
Where to start
So overwhelming

Don't want to reach out for help again
Want someone to notice
To ask me how I am and want to hear the answer
To be strong and brave for me
Want to take off the brave face for awhile and be weak

So exhausted
Worn down by it all
Beaten down by it all
Tired
Need to rest

How to start again, again
What to do
Where to turn
Darkness and fog all around
No directions apparent
Someone throw me a line

Head spinning in circles
Going nowhere
Only around and around
And down

The darkness returned

This has been a very rough week for me.  The darkness seems to be back.  At the beginning of the week it was unbearable.  I felt again like I was in the dark foggy place and that nothing could break through the darkness.  It is so scary in that place.

Thankfully things are getting better.  I feel like the darkness has moved about 3 feet out and I can see some cracks of light again.  But, it's still a tough place to be.

What got me here this time?  It seems to be a stacking of a number of things.  Mainly not paying attention to my mental space and how I've been feeling.  This has been coming for awhile, but instead of stopping and paying attention to it, I just pushed through.  This is a pattern for me.  Push through until I can't anymore.

Is there a lesson here?  I think it is to find different ways to make sure I pay attention to what is going on with me.

Hiding

Do you ever have those days where all you want to do is stay in bed, pull the covers over your head and pretend the world doesn't exist? Today was one of those days for me. I did a pretty good job of ignoring the world also. I called ij sick to work and didn't leave my house until fairly late this evening.

So, the real question is, why this kind of day? I could just say it's complicated and leave it at that. But that's no ttrue. I could also just day that there is no real reason and leave it at that. But that's not true either.  Those would be the easy answers. The kind of things I used to say to keep people away. I think I've been doing that again a bit lately.  So here goes.

I am tired of being around people.where I still feel like I have to put on the mask every day, where I still feel like I can't authentic, where I feel all the time like I have to watch what I say.  Work has felt particularly difficult of late.

So why do I feel like I need to be careful at work? In a lot of ways it is an automatic reaction for me. Just thinking about it is making me very agitated. I can see that there are a lot of things I was told at a previous work place that I haven't yet sorted out,a lot of things about how incompetent I was, how I couldn't do my job, how I needed to watch what I said and did.

What I haven't internalized is that there were a.l couple of things going on there that were working against me in a big way.  The first is that I was working in a very toxic environment for people who were bullies. The second is that I had undiagnosed depression and anxiety for the whole time I worked there. These two things fed each other leading to some bad situations, which were blamed solely on me. I internalized that it was all my fault all the time. I know this isn't true, but it is hard to let go of the reaction.

Based on my current reactionto work I haven't let a lot of that go. Something to work on.

In the mean time I will try to give the real answer, the one that lets peope in instead of pushing them away.

Bell Let's Talk

Tomorrow is Bell Let's Talk day for Mental Health.  Please check out this link and do what you can to keep the conversation going.  It is so important to people like me to have some sort of normalization in our lives. It is important to be able to talk about what we are going through without worrying about judgement.  The more we all can talk about it, the better off we will all be.

http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/

Work

The last little while I am finding that I can't leave work at work. I find myself thinking about it all the time. It is an intense time at work right now, but there is still no reasom to be mentally bringing it home.

So why am I? That's a good question that I can't seem to find an answer to. Although as I think about it, I wonder if it is at least partly because I haven't really had a place to debrief from the intensity. I am I'm a different role this time around and it is a very solitary role. Most other times when this same kind of intense time has happened I have been in a role where there was a lot of collaboration. That gave us all a chance to debrief as we were living the same thing.

No one else is sharing the same experience that I am right now and there really aren't a lot of opportunities to talk about it. The experience is not bad, only really intense. It requires a lot of brain power and being "on" for very long stretches of time.

Interesting revelation. I've been saying for a long time now that I don't want to do this role again. I thought it was because it is just not interesting to me. That is certainly a major factor, but now I see that I don't like how solitary it is either. I like the team work and collaboration. I find the benefits of that process outweigh the frustrations for me. The solitary role has fewer frustrations in a lot of ways, but it is not my preferred way of working.

I hope that this new understanding will help me be better able to find ways to leave work at work.

Inspiration

After reading a friend's blog this evening I am inspired to write, just for the sake of writing.  Truth is I am exhausted today - one of those stages at work where it takes over my mental and physical energy.  They happen and are short-lived so I shall survive.

Anyhow, my friend was writing about what makes him amazing and it got me to thinking.  One thing about me that is amazing is the courage I have shown myself in the last 3+ years.  You never plan on a depression diagnosis.  You never plan on what seems like copious amounts of therapy.  You never plan on coming to terms with your sexuality at age 37.  I couldn't have foreseen any those things happening, and yet they did.  Facing them and dealing with them was difficult to say the least.  I am so thankful to have found the courage to do so.  Externally my life is pretty much the same as it was 3 years ago, but internally I can't even describe how different it really is.

I hope that I have learned the lesson that things that take courage are worthwhile.  Taking a chance, taking a risk these are the things that are important.  The outcome actually is less important than the action of trying something different, tackling tough stuff head on.  I didn't know I had that kind of courage.

Making things normal

I've been thinking a lot lately about making things normal.  Things that haven't been normal for me, incorporating the lessons I have learned in a way that makes those things the way I do things, instead of feeling so foreign.

Some of this has happened organically with time. I heard on the radio the other day that high energy new, but good, decisions can become low energy habitual decisions over time. This makes sense to me. As I learn things and see different ways of handling life it is slowly getting easier.

Other things are a bit strange still. One of these things is not feeling anxious all the time. It's still completely weird to go about my day without everything throwing me for a loop, feeling so anxious that I can barely cope.

Another thing I am still getting used to is being lesbian. I went to a dance on New Years that was women only. I found myself spending a lot of time lookong around, almost to the poin tof staring. Not because I was riveted or anything, but because I was trying to make what I saw there normal for me. Watching women dance together, grind together and sometimes make me want to say get a room.  We often see straight people make out on tv or movies, lesbians not so much. Making this feel normal for me is going to take some time yet.

So often lately I find myself wondering why I am not upset about certain things, thinking my reactions are not like me. The thing is, I think they might just be exactly like me, just not like me with depression.

3 Years

Today is my nephews 3rd birthday.  Almost three years ago I wrote the article linked below to describe what was going on for me the day he was born.  Now, three years later, I read that article and barely recognize myself, then or now, I'm not sure.  My life is so different now in so many ways.

Last night I went to a dance to celebrate the new year.  I had a great time.  Part way through the night I found myself thinking that "this is what is must be like to not be dealing with anxiety and depression".  I felt good.  I danced, I didn't worry about what others thought of me.  I let myself go and move to the music.  It was great, and such an unexpected delight for me.

A lot has changed for me since my nephew was born, and for that I am grateful.

Happy 2014.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-nephews-birth-gave-me-hope/article2040196/