I was thinking tonight about my journey with Christianity and thinking more about what it was about it that hurt me so much and turned me right off. One thought that came to mind tonight is that I always felt like I was being set up to fail. It seemed to me that the expectations and the way of being that to me was part of being Christian were impossible to meet. And so, I always felt like a failure.
The thing for me is that I have enough trouble feeling like I am good enough, that I am valuable etc... I realize now that going to church and having Christianity as a big part of my life felt like just one more way that I was failing, that I wasn't good enough. That hurt me a lot. And made it impossible for me to keep being a part of it. I could barely cope with the things I had to do that made me feel like a failure everyday. Church was one thing I had some control over and could let go, so I did.
My understanding of Christianity has not changed in the intervening years. And so, while I feel better and stronger now, most of the time, I can't make myself believe or think that being a part of a church again will be anything but pain, hurt, disappointment and failure.
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