Disappointment

Sometimes doing the right thing for me is terribly hard.  Today it means not going to a friends' event, even though I really want to be there.  There has been a lot of stuff going on of late and I have been pushing through.  Today my brain said no, stop, you are done pushing.

I have spent a lot of the day sleeping.  I hope it is restorative sleep.  One of the things that has been going on lately is learning to be sad.  So often I mask sadness with anxiety or anger.  Those emotions feel like they provide energy, and they feel a lot less vulnerable to me.  Sadness takes energy and it makes me feel vulnerable, like if someone knows I am sad then they could hurt me.  Sadness feel weak to me, whereas anger feels strong.  One some level though, I know that feeling emotions, whatever they are takes courage for me.

Feeling the sadness is hard because feeling sadness about current things feels leads to old sadness that I have never felt and it feels overwhelming.  It sometimes feels that if I start to feel sad, I might never stop.  The trick is to find ways to deal with bite size chunks of sadness.  I'm working on it.

There are other things going on also.  My sister had her second child the other day.  I love having nephews, it's an awesome experience, and I'm totally in love with both of them.  One some level I think I've always had it in the back of my mind that I might have kids of my own someday, in the traditional marriage with the 2.2 kids, the dog and the white picket fence.  This is not me, and I know it.  Letting go of the last of the hope, as unrealistic as it was, is something I am also trying to do.  Realizing that who I am excludes this life is ok, but comes with a sense of loss.  Finding myself and being myself is super important, but not all of it is easy.  Decidedly some hard stuff too.

Work has also been rather challenging of late.  I have quickly learned that if there is a lot of work to do, I am fine, but the interpersonal interactions are hard, it struggle a lot more.  I have been fairly effectively ignoring it for awhile, but I have been ignoring it and pretending it was affecting me.  But it has been.

And, I am wondering if my medication isn't working how it should be.  I've been feeling very agitated, frustrated and angry of late.  I really thought it was emotional, but then someone said to me that when she was on anti-depressants this happened when her dose was too strong.  I am going to call the doctor on Monday and see about this.

I am thankful to be in a position in life where I can take a day off of life once in awhile.  I only wish, this time it hadn't come when I had plans I really wanted to be at.