Cross Road

I was talking to a friend tonight and she was saying that she feels like she doesn't have perspective or is out of focus.  I got to thinking about this for my life.  Her reasons are different than mine, but the sentiment I can understand.  Lately, I've been feeling like I am at a cross-road and don't really know which way to go.  I was, for so long, depressed and in survival mode.  I wasn't able to think about anything past the end of my nose.  I didn't dream or even think about what I wanted in life.

For the past year and a bit, I've spent a lot of time healing and dealing with so many things.  My goal really was to find a way to live, not depressed, and not repeating the habits of what got me there.  I've certainly come a long way on that.

So, what's next?  What do I want out of life?  I don't remember ever really dreaming about what I wanted.  It's hard to figure out how to start.  Often it feels to me like something is missing, but I am really not sure what that is, or how to go about figuring out what it is.  I feel a bit stuck in this place and not sure what to do about it.

Energy and Anxiety

I was thinking today while I was walking home how easy it used to seem to go and do things.  I always seemed to have lots of energy. The thing is that anxiety and the need to hide who you are no matter what, provide a lot of energy.  But it's a little bit manic in the way it pushes you forward all the time.  Eventually I crashed and burned because this is not a sustainable way to live.

So now what?  Where do I find my energy now?  What drives me?  What makes me go and do?  I'm still working on these things as I'm not really sure.  All the process of getting to know myself and what makes me tick.  I often feel tired these days, but sometimes it feels a lot like I just don't know where to look to get the energy or to find things that energize me.  Exercise, eating right and sleeping are all good starts, but they don't provide the drive to do things.  Still looking for what provides that for me.

Complacency

Shortly after I started my medications, I read an interview with someone who said that for her to live a productive life there was no room for complacency in it.  I didn't really understand at the time, but I am slowly starting to.

I know that exercise and nutrition are two ways to keep myself feeling ok, and yet I have let both slide of late.  It's so easy to convince myself I'm too tired to do anything, when in reality I am tired because I am not doing anything.  It's a vicious circle really and a hard one to stop.  I'm working on it again.  I'm working hard at a minimum of 20 minutes of exercise everyday.  Hopefully I can achieve that.  I'm pretty sure it will make me feel less tired and more able to handle things.

Wish me luck and perseverance.

Getting more comfortable in my skin

I was talking to a co-worker today and the fact that I have been dealing with depression came out.  It was not big deal for me.  I was shocked.  I just said it, without even really thinking about it.  It was relevant to whatever it was that we were talking about and so I said it.

I like that telling her was no big deal.  I wasn't worried about what she would say or what the fall out would be.  It's a fact of life for me right now and I am becoming more ok with that.

It's not the only thing.  As I have been spending time over the last nearly 1.5 year getting to know myself, I have also come to accept a lot of things about me.  A lot of things that I thought were terrible and things you just didn't show before.  Never show weakness, never give anyone a chance to find something to criticize. Be perfect all the time... ahhhhh....  As I write this, I feel the tension and anxiety that I used to feel.  But I feel it in a "holy I had some troubles" kind of way.  Not in a judging way, but in a compassionate and grateful that things have changed kind of way.

Amazing really how dealing with the depression and working on some things can change perceptions.  I am still me, but in becoming more comfortable with so many parts of me, things are easier to manage, to handle.  Life is so much easier when I don't constantly feel like I have to watch what I am saying in case I show some side of me that could be considered weak.

Stories and emotions

Every time I read a story, or hear, about someone who is struggling it makes me cry.  I know the feelings all too well.  I know the fear, anger, frustration, pain, hurt, anxiety etc...  It takes me back there every time, every time. It is such a horrible place and I wish no one had to be in it. I want so much to reach out and make things better.  I want to know that people have hope.

Good enough

This post is inspired by an email conversation I have been having with a friend.

I've been thinking about why it is that some people are so susceptible to believing what other people say about them?  I know for so long, I took in every insult, every barb, every poke, and I believed them.  Where does that start?  I have no idea.  I must have been in elementary school, I think.  I don't really remember a time when those kinds of comments didn't have a profound impact on how I felt about myself.  We say that kids are cruel, but really I would say that people can be cruel.

The other thing I know is that thinking I am not good enough and depression are decidedly a vicious circle and they feed each other, making the whole situation worse.  Comments that might not bother someone without depression, were the end of the world for me and continued the downward spiral.  I also had no way to cope with this, which just made me feel worse about myself.  When I couldn't get along with people, I blamed myself wholly.  When someone said something negative about me, I blamed myself wholly.  Why, you might ask?  Lots of reasons, but depression was probably the biggest contributing factor.

And now?  Where am I with this?  I have learned a lot about me, and about other people lately.  I know that sometimes I make mistakes, or do things that hurt other people.  Usually not intentionally, but that doesn't matter in the end.  I've learned that often we try to make other people hurt because we are hurting.  I've learned that stating my own needs and wants, and taking up my space in the world are two things I can do to keep the comments down.  I've learned that I don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour towards me.  I can address it, or leave the situation, as long as I choose my reaction.  Just internalizing it, is not going to help me out.

Lots of ramblings.  It feels like there is no real conclusion here, so you'll just have to take it for what it is, thinking through things.

Lovely kids

I was at brunch at a friends place today and one of the lesbian couples there brought their kids (I think they are 3 and 5).  These kids spend about 1/2 their time with the lesbian couple and then the other 1/2 the time with their dad.  They are lovely kids.  It got me thinking about why people are so worried about children being raised by gay people.  Truthfully, I don't understand.  I can see that both of the ladies love these kids.  One is their biological mom, the other entered their lives a bit later.  The kids are pleasant and smart and curious and well kids.

I see so many kids out there that have such challenging home lives and the kids themselves are so challenging.  Yes, having lesbian moms is a challenge for kids in some ways.  To me, this challenge is so much smaller than so many other things kids face.  These kids are growing up in an environment that will certainly encourage them and provide them with love and support.  What more should we ask for?

Looking back, looking forward

I spent the last three hours reading my blog, from the very beginning to the most recent post.  I again experienced all of the highs and lows.  Right now I am crying.  It's been quite the journey, quite the year.  I have worked hard at being better.  I have worked hard at knowing myself.  I have worked hard at figuring out what I need.  I am amazed really at how much I have accomplished on this front.  I feel stronger.

Lately I have really been able to think about the future, what I want and need.  I haven't really come to any great conclusions.  I will keep trying.

Thank you all for reading my blog and supporting me.  This is not the end of the writing, on a post to reflect a bit.