Of late I have heard a lot of controversy about medications for anxiety and depression. Lots of people seem to think they are over-prescribed, not useful, or people shouldn't take them. There seems to be a lot of opinions of what constitutes depression/anxiety as a disorder and what is just a natural part of life. I am not a doctor, nor an expert so I will stick to my own experience.
I take anti-depressant medication. It also has a calming effect generally and helps with anxiety. Deciding to take medication was one of the most grueling decisions of my life. I was completely against the idea for a long long time. In hindsight, it is the best thing I have ever done.
Before I started on the medication I knew things weren't right with me. I was getting counseling and nothing was getting better. I felt like there was always some blockage that I just couldn't seem to get past. On some level I understood the things I needed to change, but I absolutely was not able to do it. I finally decided that medications were worth a try when I started to wonder about suicide again. I knew at that point I needed some other kind of help than I was getting. I didn't want to go down the path of being so desperate that I wanted to kill myself, again.
So I started on the medication. It took some time, but eventually I could see solutions to problems. I felt able to cope with life in general and a lot of the hard emotional work I have done. I felt alive, instead of numb. For me the medications have been a life saver, possibly quite literally. At some point I will try to stop taking them and see what happens. If it doesn't work and I start to feel depressed again, I will continue to take them.
I am sure there are challenges, and quite possibly the medications are over-prescribed. But, and for me this is a big but, for some of us they help, a lot.
Saturday 24 March 2012
Friday 23 March 2012
Taking back my power
I went to see a different counsellor this week to explore the possibility of group therapy (at the suggestion of my regular counsellor). Something she said really struck a chord with me. She said there are things that can never be accomplished in individual counselling because of the power differential in the relationship. Her insinuation was that the counsellor had all the power and the client didn't have any. This actually made me angry with her.
It also made me think a lot. Before I was ready to get something out of counselling, I was all the power because I would stonewall the counsellor. Not a great way to get better, but a good way to retain control. When I was ready to really be honest and work at change it felt like the counsellor had a lot of power. I was so confused and scared and down that I wasn't able to really take charge of my life and my healing. I needed someone to help, to give me ideas and things to do. In the end though, it was me that chose to do them.
Now, I feel like I have finally taken back the power over my life. I finally understand that I get to choose what I do and don't do. Just because a counsellor suggests group therapy doesn't mean I have to do it (which is likely going to be the outcome). Just because someone else gives me ideas of things to do, doesn't mean they are right. This new counsellor has no power at all as it turns out. I have the power. I get to choose.
There are days when I forget this, but it was so very nice to really see it in a situation where I have a big decision to make.
It also made me think a lot. Before I was ready to get something out of counselling, I was all the power because I would stonewall the counsellor. Not a great way to get better, but a good way to retain control. When I was ready to really be honest and work at change it felt like the counsellor had a lot of power. I was so confused and scared and down that I wasn't able to really take charge of my life and my healing. I needed someone to help, to give me ideas and things to do. In the end though, it was me that chose to do them.
Now, I feel like I have finally taken back the power over my life. I finally understand that I get to choose what I do and don't do. Just because a counsellor suggests group therapy doesn't mean I have to do it (which is likely going to be the outcome). Just because someone else gives me ideas of things to do, doesn't mean they are right. This new counsellor has no power at all as it turns out. I have the power. I get to choose.
There are days when I forget this, but it was so very nice to really see it in a situation where I have a big decision to make.
Ode to Depression
I still think about you more than I would like
But you are losing your grip on my life
You were seductive for many years
Without me even knowing who you were
Or what you were doing to me
And yet I gave in to your charms
I am stronger now
I know who you are
I know what you do
The scars will always remain and I will never be quite the same
But those will also fade until they are barely noticeable
Some days your seducing will get the better of me
I will not let you win though
I am stronger now
I am aware of you
I will find a way to be me
I will find a way to live with you there
I will use my strength to live a different kind of life
But you are losing your grip on my life
You were seductive for many years
Without me even knowing who you were
Or what you were doing to me
And yet I gave in to your charms
I am stronger now
I know who you are
I know what you do
The scars will always remain and I will never be quite the same
But those will also fade until they are barely noticeable
Some days your seducing will get the better of me
I will not let you win though
I am stronger now
I am aware of you
I will find a way to be me
I will find a way to live with you there
I will use my strength to live a different kind of life
Wednesday 21 March 2012
Owning my story
I was out with some friends for dinner last night, that I haven't seen in awhile. The conversation came around to a point where I ended up telling one of them (as he didn't know) that I am gay. I was amazed at how nervous that made me. It's funny in a way. I feel like I am totally ok with it, and really I wasn't worried about him knowing, but I heard my voice get higher and faster and I started blushing. Practice I guess, or lack thereof anyhow.
It did however get me thinking about my story and where I am in it right now. There are times when I need to tell my story, or parts of it. For me, it comes down to owning my story. I can't change any of the past and there is no point worrying about it. It's my story and I have every right to tell it and to not be embarrassed or worried or nervous about it. I suspect I'll get there, but it is, for now, another part of the journey.
It did however get me thinking about my story and where I am in it right now. There are times when I need to tell my story, or parts of it. For me, it comes down to owning my story. I can't change any of the past and there is no point worrying about it. It's my story and I have every right to tell it and to not be embarrassed or worried or nervous about it. I suspect I'll get there, but it is, for now, another part of the journey.
Sunday 18 March 2012
Knowing yourself
Courage, inspiration, knowing yourself, coming out. All topics that have been on my mind the last few days. I attended the Coming Out Monologues for two nights last week. They were amazing. So many people willing to stand up in front of 250 people and tell their stories. Some were rather painful stories, and yet all managed to infuse humour and hope into their performances.
It got me thinking about my story and the words that came to mind were silent and invisible. I was working so hard at hiding myself, not letting anyone see what was going on with me (including me) that my voice really was silenced and I really was invisible. So often I felt like I could have just walked away from my life with no forwarding address and no one would have noticed, or cared. The real me, the me underneath it all had been silent for so long, it was like she didn't exist at all. I was sure that life sucked and there was nothing different out there.
So, how do these words apply now? When I crashed with depression, I started telling people, at least parts of the story. Starting to write this blog (nearly a year ago, wow) was another step in finding an outlet to be heard. I needed to break the silence. I found a way to express what I was feeling and experiencing. In a lot of ways I still felt invisible though.
Slowly I am finding ways to be visible. Asking for my needs to be considered and met. Heck, knowing what my needs are. Not settling for any old situation, but thinking about where I am and what I am doing. Taking up my space in world.
It got me thinking about my story and the words that came to mind were silent and invisible. I was working so hard at hiding myself, not letting anyone see what was going on with me (including me) that my voice really was silenced and I really was invisible. So often I felt like I could have just walked away from my life with no forwarding address and no one would have noticed, or cared. The real me, the me underneath it all had been silent for so long, it was like she didn't exist at all. I was sure that life sucked and there was nothing different out there.
So, how do these words apply now? When I crashed with depression, I started telling people, at least parts of the story. Starting to write this blog (nearly a year ago, wow) was another step in finding an outlet to be heard. I needed to break the silence. I found a way to express what I was feeling and experiencing. In a lot of ways I still felt invisible though.
Slowly I am finding ways to be visible. Asking for my needs to be considered and met. Heck, knowing what my needs are. Not settling for any old situation, but thinking about where I am and what I am doing. Taking up my space in world.
Wednesday 14 March 2012
The ravages of depression
Depression takes its toll. I learned so many ways of dealing with the world that were totally affected by the fact that I have this illness, and it was completely unmanaged. My self-esteem was non-existent and so I behaved in certain ways that reflected this. I also was totally unable to solve problems, so again I found ways to behave that would avoid problems as much as possible. There are others...
Now, I am finding that these coping mechanisms or behaviours are no longer working for me. It's so often hard to remember that feeling better is not the only thing I need to do. I also need to find ways to see the habits that I have that were so much because of the depression and to realize that I can do things differently. And then, the harder part, figuring out what differently looks like. Sometimes I feel like a teenager who is just figuring out the world. I feel unsure and unsettled. And yet, I know more than I did as I teenager, so it is trying to incorporate that experience in as well.
It's a journey. It's being gentle with myself and know that I have come a long way down the road and this too is part of the journey.
Sunday 11 March 2012
My journey now
So I just wrote a post about what depression feels like. What is my life like now?
Now I choose everyday to live. Often this means choosing pain because that is better than being numb. It means finding hope somewhere, especially on those days when it feels like you are sliding back into it. It's finding hope somewhere to know that one bad day or one bad moment doesn't mean that the depression is bad. It means everyday remembering that there are people out there that love me and who I love. Some days it means moving forward when there is nothing else. Trusting that there is something different around the next bend.
Some days I lose perspective. I forget about all the good work I have done to get to this point and let myself be overwhelmed by some of the things I am still facing. It means then finding a way back, back to a place where I can see the truth, where I can trust my instincts and not let my emotions carry me away.
There are sometimes days when I wonder if all the effort is worth it, and I wonder how much more it is going to take to feel like I am in a good place all the time. And then, something beautiful will happen and bring me back. These moments are the hope I need to carry on, especially on the hard days.
This is a journey for me. Will it ever be over? Who knows? I'd like it to be. On the flip side I have to remember that I've really been on the healing journey for 14 months or so. That probably isn't enough to heal who knows how many years of depression. While I do feel better, most of the time, living with the depression certainly influenced the ways I saw and dealt with the world. It takes time to untangle all of these things and see how they affect what I do today.
Now I choose everyday to live. Often this means choosing pain because that is better than being numb. It means finding hope somewhere, especially on those days when it feels like you are sliding back into it. It's finding hope somewhere to know that one bad day or one bad moment doesn't mean that the depression is bad. It means everyday remembering that there are people out there that love me and who I love. Some days it means moving forward when there is nothing else. Trusting that there is something different around the next bend.
Some days I lose perspective. I forget about all the good work I have done to get to this point and let myself be overwhelmed by some of the things I am still facing. It means then finding a way back, back to a place where I can see the truth, where I can trust my instincts and not let my emotions carry me away.
There are sometimes days when I wonder if all the effort is worth it, and I wonder how much more it is going to take to feel like I am in a good place all the time. And then, something beautiful will happen and bring me back. These moments are the hope I need to carry on, especially on the hard days.
This is a journey for me. Will it ever be over? Who knows? I'd like it to be. On the flip side I have to remember that I've really been on the healing journey for 14 months or so. That probably isn't enough to heal who knows how many years of depression. While I do feel better, most of the time, living with the depression certainly influenced the ways I saw and dealt with the world. It takes time to untangle all of these things and see how they affect what I do today.
What depression feels like
Funny, now that I am feeling relatively better, there are times when I really want to describe what the bottom felt like. Maybe it's because I can see now with a bit more clarity.
Life generally is full of ups and downs. Some days are good, some days are bad and lots of days are pretty neutral. With depression the neutral days feel like the most amazing thing in the world because almost all the time things are bad. I felt so much like I was trying so hard to cope, so hard to be a good person, so hard to organize my life so that I would be happy. And nothing, absolutely nothing made me feel any different about life. I felt down and numb and totally overwhelmed all the time. I felt like I couldn't handle life. In reality I couldn't actually. And not because of lack of effort or want on my part, but because I wasn't able.
Honestly, I didn't really know there was a different way for me. I felt like things would be a struggle always and would never get any better. It's a terrible way to live, but it is not living, it is existing. And barely at that.
Life generally is full of ups and downs. Some days are good, some days are bad and lots of days are pretty neutral. With depression the neutral days feel like the most amazing thing in the world because almost all the time things are bad. I felt so much like I was trying so hard to cope, so hard to be a good person, so hard to organize my life so that I would be happy. And nothing, absolutely nothing made me feel any different about life. I felt down and numb and totally overwhelmed all the time. I felt like I couldn't handle life. In reality I couldn't actually. And not because of lack of effort or want on my part, but because I wasn't able.
Honestly, I didn't really know there was a different way for me. I felt like things would be a struggle always and would never get any better. It's a terrible way to live, but it is not living, it is existing. And barely at that.
Wednesday 7 March 2012
But do you?
You know who you are
But do you?
You know what you think
But do you?
You know what you are proud of
But do you?
You know how you feel
But do you?
You know what you want
But do you?
You know what matters to you
But do you?
You know your own value
But do you?
You know what brings you joy
But do you?
You know what makes you sad
But do you?
You know who you are
But do you?
But do you?
You know what you think
But do you?
You know what you are proud of
But do you?
You know how you feel
But do you?
You know what you want
But do you?
You know what matters to you
But do you?
You know your own value
But do you?
You know what brings you joy
But do you?
You know what makes you sad
But do you?
You know who you are
But do you?
Sunday 4 March 2012
Community
Today it really registered for me how important it is to have people in our lives that are really in our lives. People who know us and love us, people we know and love. I was listening to two trans-gendered people (those who are (or have) transitioning from one gender to the other). For me the jury is still out on how I feel about this, but what I do know is that it is a decision that comes with a lot of heartache. These two people were talking about where how they came to the place of being trans-gendered and the supports they found.
Finding myself part of more than one group that is not always accepted by society (those with mental illness and gays/lesbians) I know more and more how very important it is to have people in my life that I can call community. This journey for me has been rough in places. In the end, the only way I can really live and be alive is to be true to myself (which I am sure the people telling their stories this morning would agree with). I need people in my life that will let me be who I need to be.
I am blessed in so many ways because I have these people. My family has been great. Many of my friends from before all the turmoil as still around and still want to be there. I am also making new friends, ones that know these things about me up front and want to be friends anyhow. These are the people I would call my community.
Finding myself part of more than one group that is not always accepted by society (those with mental illness and gays/lesbians) I know more and more how very important it is to have people in my life that I can call community. This journey for me has been rough in places. In the end, the only way I can really live and be alive is to be true to myself (which I am sure the people telling their stories this morning would agree with). I need people in my life that will let me be who I need to be.
I am blessed in so many ways because I have these people. My family has been great. Many of my friends from before all the turmoil as still around and still want to be there. I am also making new friends, ones that know these things about me up front and want to be friends anyhow. These are the people I would call my community.
Thursday 1 March 2012
having depression
This week I felt like I have depression. It's odd how much harder this seems after some weeks of not feeling like it at all.
For so long, having depression was just a fact of how I existed. It wasn't good, but really I was so much in survival mode that I hardly noticed. Now, when I have a week where I really feel it, really notice it, it's horrible. I am feeling a bit better today, thankfully. It's scary to have a tough week because it feels a lot like, oh boy, here we go again. Now that I have been out of the bottom for awhile, I have zero desire to go back there and anything that makes me feel like I might is hard to take. It's hard to keep perspective. It's a leap of faith that things are actually better and to believe that one bad day, or one bad week, won't lead to another and another and another. It's a leap of faith to believe that the tools I have acquired won't let me down, that they will work. It's a leap of faith to believe, really believe, that I am stronger, that I am going to be ok.
It often feels like leaping into the abyss. I don't really know what will happen, how things will turn out. All I know is things turning into depression, risk-taking turning out badly, being unhappy etc... It's really hard to keep trying and believing I will be ok, that things are not going to turn out the way they used to. Some days I think I have taken that leap of faith. Other days, not so much.
For so long, having depression was just a fact of how I existed. It wasn't good, but really I was so much in survival mode that I hardly noticed. Now, when I have a week where I really feel it, really notice it, it's horrible. I am feeling a bit better today, thankfully. It's scary to have a tough week because it feels a lot like, oh boy, here we go again. Now that I have been out of the bottom for awhile, I have zero desire to go back there and anything that makes me feel like I might is hard to take. It's hard to keep perspective. It's a leap of faith that things are actually better and to believe that one bad day, or one bad week, won't lead to another and another and another. It's a leap of faith to believe that the tools I have acquired won't let me down, that they will work. It's a leap of faith to believe, really believe, that I am stronger, that I am going to be ok.
It often feels like leaping into the abyss. I don't really know what will happen, how things will turn out. All I know is things turning into depression, risk-taking turning out badly, being unhappy etc... It's really hard to keep trying and believing I will be ok, that things are not going to turn out the way they used to. Some days I think I have taken that leap of faith. Other days, not so much.
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